WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE.

Death Curse ended and spirits sated, Kek considers moving on. What a tour of spiritual destinations his allies have planned, though. He'd be remiss to not come along! With newfound power Peach charges up her shiny new teleport spell.

​

"You gotta say a rhyme about your destination for this to work, guys!", she says. "Together now: 'Now we go to Kir Sabal, where monks fly above it all!'"

​

*SHOOM!* A sensation of rising, falling, and being yanked forward all at the same time washes over the Handy Hands as they are pulled intra-dimensionally and- *splash*! Water! They're in... a broad muddy river? Glimpses of mystified aarakocra fisherfolk nearby eases the confusion. Ahh, the River Olung. A few miles from Kir Sabal! Not a direct port, but it's an easy enough 5-mile walk inland to the cliffside monastery.

 

By late afternoon it's a welcome arrival, the elder aarakocra monk Asharra greeting inside the ancient temple far above the jungle. After a cordial book exchange by Bertram and sending Clone Arnie and the dolls off to play with young prince Na, the harrowing story of Omu is told... as is their reason for returning. Arnie holds the Skull Chalice of Ch'gakare out.

 

Despite visible sadness for her crush Col not making it out alive, teenaged Princess Mwaxanaré stares in awe. The symbol of her family! The symbol of Omu royalty! There's no greater gift that could be presented to the exiled royal heirs to Chult's most powerful nation. It's a celebratory dinner that evening, the princess listening intently to stories of The Forbidden City. It's going to take considerable time to re-establish a Chultan dynasty, Asharra admits. Especially since the yuan-ti likely have no intention of ceding control of Omu, but the return of the Skull Chalice is a huge first step forward.

​

A familiar middle-aged bearded man joins the feast, looking healthier than before. And 'hippy-er'. It's Reistal the druid! It's all namaste and chakra talk until the Peach asks the important question: "Hey man. You holdin'?"

​

He scoffs. "Pfft. I'm a druid living with farming monks. I'm GROWIN'." Evening turns to night and eventually all find their way to the top of the mesa, taking in the starry sky and sharing tales as they smoke up Reistal's finest blend - 'Strangely Fuzzy Pineapple'. Prickly to the senses, yet just the right amount of smoothness! It's a good night. Come morning farewells are said, Reistal supplies a nice big bag of herb to each, and the Handy Hands are on their way. A while back they trusted care of their non-human companions to others. Time to reunite the family.

​

Peach leads the rhyme. "'Through music and spells we go, to the grand holy city of Mezro!'" And they're off!

​

The ancient abandoned city is as they left it, though to Nakam's eyes its quite the impressive first sight. Working their way towards the central Palace of Ubtao, Kek makes a speedy water-running raid to the Flaming Fist's docks, and soon all are safely rowing to the Residential Quarter. Artus Cimber maintains a home here. May be a good place to start searching.

​

Sure enough, smoke comes from Artus' chimney and a golden tabaxi takes in the sun's rays out front. It's Pottery Shard, the bard they rescued from Omu! And Dragonbait! The saurial enthusiastically hugs all and time is spent bonding over recent monumental events before plans are made to venture forth. Avoiding Flaming Fist patrols the group heads north, miles into the surrounding jungle in search of the hidden camp where their allies should be. As they near, a fat boar squeals and rushes from the underbrush, large orange striped cat in hot pursuit, and soon a crunching noise is heard. With clomping footsteps a pink-hued tyrannosaurus emerges, boar in mouth, stopping in shock and surprise.

​

"MOMMY!"

​

"COBBLER!" The awakened dino embraces his elven mother with tiny arms. Mom and son together once again! Samryn the tiger rubs against Bertram as Cobbler tells of their new tag-team hunting strategy, a snoozing Artus soon found nearby along with Manos the giant hand roosting in a pile of old boar bones. The animated dragon hand is a bit confused as to why there's two Arnies greeting it, but it's a happy reunion. A big, perversely weird, happy family reunion.

​

Talk later turns to an oddity of another sort: Artus and D.B.'s sightings of a vegepygmy that rides a dinosaur living a few miles away. It rings a bell to Kek. Esmerelda the ankylosaurus was left in Qawasha and Kupalué's care around here, along with Col's flying snake and Arnie's flying monkey. The description fits. Could it be them?

​

A partial day's journey west finds an old armored herbivore grazing near a huge hollow tree stump. It's her! It takes some convincing - it's been well over a month since they rapidly left Mezro, after all - but soon the ankylosaurus is nuzzling Kek and the others like the old friends they are. Under chattering flying monkey and curious snake a familiar vegepygmy emerges from the hollow tree, and 'Weed' celebrates the return of friends in yet one more reunion.

​

But where's Qawasha? Kupalué ushers the crew into the tree. Moss and mold line the interior, and the unmistakable shape of a decaying human corpse lies under the detritus. Qawasha. The end of the Death Curse came too late for the ailing veteran druid. Bertram's inspection finds slightly moving spores on the fungus-covered body... spores resembling Weed. The historian understands. Much like Col, Qawasha was at peace with the circle of life. Now they nourish a new generation, Kupalué's children growing on the remains. That, Bertram surmises, is a strangely beautiful sign of true friendship.

​

Eventually three crews combine as one, Strangely Fuzzy Pineapple passed around the campfire as plans are made. For most, a long break is needed and their hilltop home in Port Nyanzaru sounds like a wonderful place to do so. Weed is of this forest and will stay to raise their spores. What about Dragonbait and Artus? Will they join for a much-needed vacation?

​

Artus takes a 'pineapple' drag, then shakes his head. "All that we found out about Mezro, Ras Nsi, Omu... I can't shake the feeling that we're missing some puzzle pieces. There's an oracle far west of here. Orolunga." Bertram nods, remembering his map. "I think D.B. and I should get up to some info gathering. How about we swing by some time, catch each other up?"

​

Deal. Drinks and herbs toasted, one last night is spent in the wilds with friends. Civilization calls.

​

*         *         *

​

It's dusty, but just as they left it otherwise. 'The Handy House' - the quaint estate overlooking Port Nyanzaru gifted to them by the Merchant Princes - is a more than welcome sight after nearly two months in perilous jungles, ruins, and tombs! The city is in disrepair after a society-collapsing pandemic, but things look like they're starting to rebound. If anything the return was an eventful one. It's not every day you teleport into the middle of one of Wakanga's sexy hot tub parties! Clean clothes given along with future promise of formal recognition at Goldenthrone, soon the core Handy Hands are settling back in.

​

No time is wasted that first evening. They've been through so much. All that Arnie, Kek, Bertram, Nakam, and Peach want is time to relax for a change... but not before one final thing. Ever since their goblin companion gave his life to protect his friends and his spirit was stolen away by an archlich's soul-sucking nefarious device, there's been one goal above all others.

 

Arnie touches the urn containing Krenko's ashes. They could never bring themselves to clear out the goblin's bedroom after his passing and now stand amongst his possessions. Well. With a few additions, perhaps. Peach wasted no time decorating the room in banners and cards to greet her new friend back to life. Mountains of perfectly cooked (or uncooked) meats make the whole bedroom look like the world's largest charcuterie board thanks to Bertram and their old Pan of Perfection.

 

"Are you all ready?", the handyman asks. And the ritual commences.

​

Somewhere else, somewhere beyond, a hairy goblin takes it in. The scent of battle. The sight of feast. Goblinoids of all types raucously celebrate everything they earned in life. It's only been a moment since the Soulmonger was destroyed. Or was it ages ago? Time doesn't seem to matter anymore. Regardless, Krenko knows he's earned a place here. Does he fight? Dine? Both? Find peace here with his ancestors? A strange pull is felt. Not forward. No... backwards. A pull to return. There's an instinct to ignore it, to enjoy death here as vibrantly as they did in life. But life... Life was grand, wasn't it?

​

The urn shakes then cracks, a hand emerging from inside before the vessel tumbles off the mantle to the floor, shattering not so much from impact but from an explosive force within. Ash reconstitutes into a familiar greenish-brown hairy form (with two hands!) curled into a ball. It unfurls, rolls over, and blinks.

​

"KRENKO! You're back! I did it, guys! WE did it!", shouts Arnie. "You're ALIVE, Krenko!"

​

The goblin sits up. He made this choice. To come back! To see friends! To live life once again! Yet it feels off. Something is wrong. "I missed it.", Krenko says flatly. "I missed it all." Everyone starts talking at once about joy, parties, victory, and all the reasons to be happy instead of sad, but it's too much. "OUT!", shouts the goblin. "Everyone except for Peach OUT! ...Please."

​

"I tried, Krenko.", quietly starts Peach after the two are left alone in the bedroom. "On that pirate ship, I just couldn't make it to you in time. It's all my fault. I failed you!"

​

"Failed me?", Krenko responds. "I failed YOU! All of you! I couldn't stay alive! THEN look what happened. Col died! A bunch more people we knew died! If I was there I could have... I could have..."

​

The eladrin bard waits a moment after the goblin trails off. "Krenko. I love you. It might seem to some that you don't have a care in the world, but you've always put others before yourself. I think that's why I do. Arnie may be my best friend but it's you, Krenko. It's always been you. And we did what we did BECAUSE of you! Because... you mean that much."

​

The goblin sighs. "I know." He sits on the bed, eyeing all the delicious meat, thoughtful cards, banners, and hearing the murmurs of caring friends elsewhere in the house. "And I love you, Peach. I think... I think it's going to take some time to get my head straight after being dead for so long."

 

Peach extends her hand. "It's a nice night outside. Wanna go on a walk?"

​

The elf and goblin hold hands, open the door, and head out. Nakam and Krenko meet, perhaps not for the first time but for the first time with the paladin as himself. Some strange black grung called Kek dwells in the backyard, gracefully giving the recently un-deceased some quiet space. Many meats are consumed, and the city lights twinkle in the night.

​

*         *         *

​

It takes Peach and Arnie a few days (and drug-fueled nights) to retrieve the full gang from outside Mezro with teleport and word of recall, but soon the Handy House is a bustle of dolls, clones, and beasties small, large, and entirely unnatural. In the meantime Bertram leads the others through the oddly subdued city streets to their old haunt The Thundering Lizard. It's free drinks all around from Crumbeard, the aging dwarf crying tears of joy when he realizes it was the Handy Hands that saved his brother Rubrik from the Death Curse (DM: Another week or two and ole' Rubie would have been gone!). Once the teleporting duo return, it's finally time to see what Wakanga has been planning. Goldenthrone is aglitter in the midday sun, where the eponymous playboy sits on the former throne flanked by fellow Merchant Princes Ekene-Afa and Jobal.

​

"And now, what you deserve!", declares Wakanga after reintroductions and small talk. "Because I appreciate what you have done SO MUCH, I give you this: A Certificate of Appreciation! HO HO HOOO! Look! 'Great Job'. Because you did! I put an 'R' in the date because I was too excited! And look! I signed with a smiley face!"

​

"That's, um. Great.", Nakam says, trying his hardest to look earnest. "Thank you."

​

That Wakanga. Helpful patron indeed, but he's always been an odd one. After some prodding by Jobal and Ekene-Afa another scroll comes out. A very different scroll. A scroll that makes Arnie's heart jump upon reading.

​

"Guys. GUYS!", Arnie exclaims at peak excitement. "This is it! We're legit now! The Handy Hands Experience is LEGIT!"

​

Rights to a unique business in Port Nyanzaru. It may not sound like a reward in the classic sense, but in a tropical paradise capitalist oligarchy with high tourism demand? This is immense! Jobal expresses the gravity of the matter and his concerns, but the deal is done. The Handy Hands are city-registered entrepreneurs! Now, it's truly time for some rest and relaxation!

​

*         *         *

​

Six Months Pass.
Life is good. Finally, it's time for a well-earned vacation.

​

Arnie Lambert busies himself with the business. There's musicals to write, actors to train, and ships to outfit... especially the latter, when First Mate Gorjok makes it known that the city's kobolds developed Krenko's ideas for integrating balloon tech into the sailing ships! On one day off the handyman spies a familiar face on the beach resort. The Dude. Well, the angel who is pretty Dude-tastic, and sharing free cocktails. Turns out 'the big guy' is very pleased. The handyman abides.

​

Bertram Frode enriches Port Nyanzaru's museum and finds Mr. Withers' simulacrum a job. Maybe with enough water spraying that guy can learn to stop encouraging evil plots! Agamaya - a formal Shadowfell and Hexblade relationship since Session One - finally gets to know Bertram on a first name basis as Ayamirra. Sachiel finds his grandson with no memory of their relation, and much ice cream is eaten in bonding and forming a 'new' relationship.

 

Pe'charillimaes - 'Peach' to her friends - travels with her dino-son Cobbler to the Feywild and returns a hero, the elders of her eladrin community on the mend now that the Death Curse has ended. Once Krenko is ready she'll return and maybe see where that goes, but for now, a fey road trip for some mother-son bonding time is just what the bard ordered.

​

Nakam settles into life in Port Nyanzaru, exploring an untethered life and helping with Arnie's business needs. Happy to not be obligated to be 'Biff Longsteel' or anyone else, the changeling returns to the wood and leather trade skills that brought him happiness in youth, long even before 'Nakam' became his identity and legacy. 

​

Kek had long been formulating a start to their own tribe. A tribe for all species, one united in the ideas of beliefs over dogma, community over wealth, and respecting coexistence. After staying some time in Port Nyanzaru and finding like-minded individuals the grung says their farewells, and somewhere deep in the jungles Chult's newest community takes root.

​

And Krenko 'Tok-Tok' Kikijiki, much as he wants to be with Arnie and the others, leaves with Kek once the time comes. It's going to take some time to existentially center himself after being dead so long. He'll return when he's ready. Peach is out there somewhere and surely thinking about him. Arnie wants his star actor back. And besides... Krenko is sure as Hells not going to let that motley crew of happenstance heroes have another adventure without him!​​​​​

​

He's gone. The lich of legend has retreated in defeat. His plot to create a new god to do his bidding in ruins The remnants of the godling and the device known as the Soulmonger lie shattered and still. For months a global pandemic known as the Death Curse ravaged the world, and here deep in a primordial jungle and even deeper underground in a secret complex that threat came to an end. Little does the world know that a motley crew called The Handy Hands stand victorious.​

​

You... you did it!, Moa the jaculi says in Arnie's head. You and your friends! You have defeated The Thin Man!

​

The handyman appreciates that the Trickster Gods no longer face their killer, but first thing's first. "Peach, I got you!", Arnie says, healing the eladrin bard back to consciousness. Spending what few spell slots they have left they get Bertram up and patch up everyone at least a bit. (DM: Arnie was the only one not in single digit hit points. It truly was almost a TPK!)

​

"Kek, think your familiar can scout out that glowing blue archway back there?", asks Peach.

​

She can and will, but not before a break. There's every wish to finally see the sun again, but even with some magical healing in them they're just one step from collapsing in exhaustion. The godling - an atropal as such a thing is called - lifelessly drifts like a slowly deflating balloon as the gang tends to their wounds in the Sewn Sisters' lair. Soon after, Kek pilots her fey frog companion through the misty blue arch. Kubazan the froghemoth god pulls at her mind.

​

"There's a black altar.", relays the monk. "A bunch of creatures with single big eyes chained to the walls, too. That altar... Kubazan feels connected to it. We may need to explore more."

​

Arnie's deformed clone perks up. "Ooh! Ooh! Let me do it! I can HELP!" Sure. Why not?

 

After Kek fastens up a rope traverse the clone heads in, soon reporting back that the 'eyeball guys' are talkative though kind of weird. Kek, Bertram and Arnie follow. When Nakam starts down the struts that support what remains of the Soulmonger, however, things finally start to give. Perhaps three intense fiery area-of-effect spells too many for structural integrity!

 

The changeling instinctually and comically shrinks to gnome size to conserve mass, rolling up and over to the far balcony as Peach trails behind. There's a groan as fatigued metal finally snaps, the bard artfully leaping to safety as the Soulmonger and the entire central structure of the room plummets into the magma below. Whatever highly concentrated arcane energy that went into crafting the thing soon interacts poorly, the molten rock beginning to roil furiously. The chamber shakes.

​

"Well.", says Peach. "That can't be good. Let's go!"

​

THAT, sister! THAT'S IT! That's where we were bound! To this tomb! To these items!, Kubazan shouts in Kek's brain upon seeing the obsidian altar. The Trickster Gods in the heads of others react similarly. So this is where Acererak did it! It's an easy decision. The Soulmonger was one form of imprisonment, these items another. As much of a boon as they have been, it's time to set the Trickster Gods free. 

​

Each item is placed, used or not. After Peach places the last - Shagambi's mandolin - the altar starts to softly hum and turn transparent. Soon the nine items trapping powerful spirits glow with energy, auras coalescing into nine shapes that stand before them: a jaculi, an almiraj, a zorbo, and more. Tricksters as they were, there's still an awe to meeting mythical figures.

 

They intone one after another, each speaking towards their former hosts and to all. To us you were true. The Thin Man may return, but we are free. FREE! Their individual voices curiously start to meld, becoming closer to one multi-toned presence as they speak. We must depart. Thank... you...

​

The spirits depart, a surge of healing and empowerment coursing through the gang. The enchanted luster of many of the items fades, but not all. Moa's staff, Nangnang's egg, Unkh's cloak, Kubazan's belt, and Shagambi's mandolin remain... gifts from the gods. Reinvigorated, the Handy Hands are ready to go.

​

(Level 13 achieved! Oy, this was one long dungeon slog, eh? This Level Up was a long time coming!
One PC and many NPC deaths, but they did it. Time to get out of this dang tomb!)

​

"Free? Free us?!", one of the freaky one-eyed things pleads, the rest echoing the words before babbling nonsense. Each are chained and not really threats, though it gets Bertram thinking. If the phylacteries in the previous chamber were successful wizards in Acererak's employ, these must be the opposite. Failed lackeys, consumed and driven insane by their own magical mistakes. Wouldn't hurt to free one, right? Maybe it could even help? Moments later the unchained nothic bounds for the curtain behind the altar, revealing a hall of multi-colored paths, each color leading to a door-less archway.

​

"The colors. What do they mean?", asks Bertram. 

​

"Gold is knowledge! Purple is knowledge! Red is bad! Bad!" The other nothics echo. "Mind the bones!", responds the first, motioning to a skeleton pointing to an arch. The other creatures jabber in agreement. Peach's enhanced vision via her Robe of Eyes confirms 'red is bad': That trail leads to the oubliette that trapped Arnie at one point. Best avoid that one.

​

Nakam closes his eyes, divine senses extending outward. "There's something back there, to the left. Something undead. Only one of them though. Huh. Think it's that Acererak guy?"

​

"Could be.", says Peach. "I think he left. Let's be careful though... proceed slowly."

​

"WAIT!", interrupts Arnie. "Our friends! The little guys! We left Sebastian, Kek's bird, and the doll children behind!" The handyman jogs back and steps through the blue misty arch again and sees a slow-motion disaster. Peach noticed the magma level rising after the Soulmonger collapse earlier and now it's even higher. All feel a low level tremor shake the subterranean levels. This dungeon is in the process of falling apart! "Hey. Other Arnie... brother? Want to be a hero?"

​

The misshapen clone's eyes light up. "A hero? A REAL hero? A SUPERHERO? Yes!!! Let me help!"

​

Krenko's old monkey-sized Vest of Levitation is strapped and activated, and with a push Clone Arnie is off! Slowly he floats over the rising magma, tumbling awkwardly as he goes, eventually bonking into the far wall and giving a big double thumbs up before heading upstairs to save their tiny allies. Wait... being a clone, does he even know the way out? Hopefully the talking lizard Sebastian can help guide them out, assuming there even is a way out. Godspeed, you mutant bastard!

 

Now for the rest. Minus the red path there's two more illusory walls and one oddly goopy archway. Approaching the one with the skeleton pointing at it Bertram feels a tug in his pouch. The hags' heartstones hum with energy as he approaches a fountain full of what looks like black oil at the end of the short illusory hall.

​

"Well. Only one way to find out...", mutters the historian. "Wish me luck!" A stone in hand, he approaches. When Bertram gets close the oil moves on its own, defying gravity to sculpt into a small but familiar obelisk shape. The obelisk that marks the entrance to the Tomb of the Nine Gods! Makes sense that the Sewn Sisters would have an easy way in and out. With a pensive touch of his finger to the oil the historian vanishes.

​

Blinding sunlight. Overbearing heat. Soaking humidity. Never has this jungle's oppressive climate felt so welcome! Bertram takes in the sight of a sunny day in the city of Omu as Kek appears next to him, rubbing her eyes just the same. Another tremor and the gargoyles above scatter in disarray, thrown off by the tomb's collapse. A distant King of Feathers roars.

​

The rest below are about to follow when something odd hits Peach's ear. A dulcimer? Is that music? They've come all this way. They can't leave without knowing! Invisibility applied to herself, Nakam, and Arnie, the trio stealth down the remaining illusory hall towards the music's source. The cozy library they find isn't quite what they expected down here in the final rooms of this deadly dungeon. And who's that reading in a comfy chair? Mr. Withers?!

​

"I am the ghost of the library!", says Arnie, invisibly grabbing a book and making it 'speak'. "Boo! Leave this place!"

​

"Oh. Oh! Guests!" Mr. Withers seems nonplussed. "Please do come in! No threats here!"

​

Peach and Arnie look at each other. Well, they think they do, anyway. Dropping invisibility they have a nice little chat. It isn't so much Mr. Withers... it's a simulacrum! A fairly lonely simulacrum, too. Since 'Withers Prime' died he really hasn't had much to do in his role as Administrative Assistant except listen to his music box and read. Now that the godling and Soulmonger are destroyed there's really no point for him to be there at all. Don't worry though. He'll be fine. Really.

​

"You know, we like to run businesses too! Maybe you could come work for us?", suggests Arnie. Peach shrugs.

​

"Really? Do you mean it? Oh no I couldn't possibly..." Mr. Withers #2 looks around. Another quake shakes the tomb, books falling around them. "I suppose I may need a new place of employment! Quick! Grab as many books as you can!"

​

Arnie grabs a big stack. Withers too. Peach grabs just one, petulantly picking up a second when scolded by the handyman. With Nakam nowhere to be found (the paladin got bored and invisibly left to follow Kek and Bertram a while back) they flee the library, touch the oily black obelisk, and... light! Light and precious fresh jungle air for all!

​

"aaaaaaaaaAAAAAHHHHH!!!" A scream grows from the collapsing entrance to the tomb. It's Clone Arnie! It takes a human chain of Handy Hands and three dolls and a lizard pushing from behind, but they manage to squeeze the weird clone out around the broken door to pop him out like a cork. With one last subterranean groan something collapses deep within, a billowing cloud of dust blasts outward and coats everyone, then silence. Acererak's Tomb of Annihilation lies in ruins.

​

"Hey y'all. Meet Mr. Withers!", says Peach. "Well. ANOTHER Mr. Withers! He needs a job now that his library is destroyed."

​

Bertram blinks. "There was a library?"

​

"HUNDREDS of books, Bertram", exclaims Arnie. "You should have seen it! It was amazing!"

 

The historian vacantly stares into the distance as the rest ponder their next move. Dirty and needing a quiet safe haven, memory turns towards Omu's bath house. Shortly down the set path Kek and Peach see them - badly hiding half-snake mutants. An approaching yuan-ti emissary and escorts alleviates worry of an ambush. Nevertheless Nakam rapidly shifts appearance to resemble the deceased Col, remembering that the last time he saw yuan-ti as Biff they captured him.

​

"Greetingsss. A note from our lord, Nsi.", the emissary says. Indeed it is from Ras Nsi, and answers a few questions. The fallen bara of Mezro still leads the yuan-ti, and his post-Death Curse health is improving, but pressure from Fenthaza's attempted coup prevented him from sending assistance per Col's request. One final note of advice and warning: Leave Omu as soon as possible. Nsi has his own plans, but for now he must keep up the appearance of a serpent cult leader.

​

Fair enough. "Oh!", interjects Nakam-as-Col. "Yeah. Uh, Sekelok died saving me. He had a, uh, real great sense of humor." The smashed remains of the brutish yuan-ti warrior turned over to the derpy mutants, parting words are said, and the snake-people leave in peace. Settling in to the bath house, Arnie's mood gets reflective.

​

"Kek, I've been thinking. Becoming female, becoming a gnome, becoming overweight... I'm fairly sure they're all just curses and not permanent. Moa left me her Staff of Healing. Would you like me to try to fix it?"

​

Not permanent?! After fading from the scarlet color of their caste and making a deal with a hag, the monk hadn't even considered the possibility of other changes not being permanent. YES PLEASE! Moments later with weight reduced, gender swapped back, and most importantly an amphibious form very different from that of a fat gnome woman (though still monochrome), the grateful grung called Kek goes inside for a long overdue soak.

​

After some relaxation it's time for what they truly wanted a safe space for. The Death Curse suppressed returning souls to their material bodies... until now. Col died a bad death in that tomb. It's time to give him a second chance at life.

​

The druid's preserved corpse is delicately removed from the Portable Hole and laid out in a respectable fashion, and Arnie gets to work with his ritual preparations. No stranger to death rituals Kek joins in, two small snakes in hand as he dances with newfound froggy feet. Peach song starts softly then grows, the bard strumming a tune praising all Col had done for the Handy Hands. And finally Bertram delivers a heartfelt eulogy, recalling not just the many times that the druid had saved his companions' lives but also of their friendship, and hope for seeing that friend once again.

​

The ritual finishes. The warmth of Arnie's guiding light tugs at the afterlife... then fades. It worked. He knows it worked! It had to have! There's a moment of quiet as it dawns on him: Col's spirit chose not to return. Of course. A fierce survivor he was, but Col was always accepting of the cycle of life. It is nature's will and way. Why would the druid choose otherwise?

​

There's a slither of movement outside the bath house's entrance. A small mottled snake stops for a moment, looks in, flicks its tongue, then continues on out of sight. The Handy Hands collectively nod and sadly smile.

​

"So much planning. So much preparations...", the nearly-skeletal figure in robes grates, pinpricks of glowing eyes shining hatefully behind slotted eyewear. "Do you KNOW how difficult it is to acquire an unwanted godling from a forbidden coupling of deities, let alone GET IT HERE and feed it?!"

​

"Ya. Well. Maybe don't drain a world of life for it?", Bertram calls back. "It kind of draws attention."

 

The archlich stiffens, cracking his neck as he surveys the room. "Your insolence would NOT be tolerated on Krynn!"

​

"You're not there, pal! This here's Faerun!", shouts Peach.

​

"I've destroyed countless cities. Entire CIVILIZATIONS!", he retorts, starting to hover above the platform in the rear of the room. Nakam and Kek look up and ready for anything, the figure's orb of pure darkness floating menacingly at an arm's reach. "I am ACERERAK THE ETERNAL! And who are you? Fools! WORMS! What hope do you have?!"

​

"We're the Handy Hands!", replies Arnie. "And don't you forget it!"

​

Undead eyes flare in rage. Fingertips start to glow with arcane energy. They've come all this way. Friendships formed over shipwrecked misadventures, chaotic tropical 'vacations', wondrous dinosaur-filled jungles, pirate-infested waters, and more. They've seen this Death Curse through and they're sure as heck not going to give up now. Even if they lose, they've already won versus this mastermind's world-ending plot.

 

There's just one thing left to do. Handy Hands! Fight for your lives!

 

Acererak's arcs a searing beam of electric energy through the room, jumping from Handy Hand to Handy Hand. Kek braces herself as Arnie's clone and Peach scatter to safety, the flying spherical energy void launching towards Nakam and the monk yet thankfully avoided. Even for a frail undead figure Bertram finds him very difficult to hit, the historian's eldritch blasts going wide as spectral blue hands shoot out and painfully rot himself and Nakam. Kek leaps to action as the paladin heals the best he can... and unloads her gunpowder pistol in the lich's face!

 

"...What?", mumbles Acererak in slight surprise, lead shot slightly embedding in his forehead before harmlessly tumbling out. "A giff weapon? How cute!" (DM: 'Shoot a multi-planar undead wizard in the face' life goal complete, at least!)

​

More blue hands grasp at the chests of Kek and Peach before the bard responds with a self-polymorph - no! Denied by counterspell! The lich hovers away cackling at his own Dick Move as he lets loose a vicious cloudkill of toxic fumes over everyone that... Well. Does nothing.

​

"...What?" Acererak says again. "Heroes feast? That's annoying! So ANNOYING!"

​

Arnie's big breakfast saves the moment! Bertram and his soaring axe land a solid smite that knocks Acererak sideways and Nakam can't help but notice the lich's goofy footwear: silly little winged sandals, flapping furiously. Ah hah! That's how he's flying around! The paladin seizes the moment of distraction. One quick dispel magic later the tiny wings go limp.

​

"Whoa-shit!" Another blue hand flies out at Nakam but its too late. Acererak plummets like a rag doll and impacts with a goopy splash in the magma below, shrieking in pain and anger as his plastic shades slough off his face. Looks like even reality-hopping semi-immortal bastards aren't immune to molten rock! With time bought before Acererak can reactivate his sandals, Arnie gets to work with mass healing word as his clone, Nakam, and Peach scramble for the myriad of phylacteries across the two larger platforms. Time to deal with any potential reinforcements! 

​

Nakam smashes with his greataxe, Clone Arnie is absurdly ineffective as he pokes a vase across the room with his dagger, and Kek plays Bonk The Magma Lich With His Own Minions' Phylacteries. Nothing obviously successful, but it sure is fun to watch. Bertram dances around to get the rising archlich's attention as Peach's plan finally comes to fruition: Polymorph! Giant ape! Time to go full Kong!

​

Acererak rises, his skull-tipped staff glowing white as a powerful curse fires towards Bertram yet the historian resists through strength of will. "You pathetic pile of PINHEADS!", the archlich snarls. "Do you know what plans I have brought to various worlds? Spray-on hair! Leaden makeup! NEW COKE! So ungrateful... die!" The air shimmers. Time stops.

​

Chaos erupts in the blink of an eye. An unseen ember at Bertram's feet explodes in a delayed blast fireball as another arc of chain lightning hits concurrently along with the orb - a Sphere of Annihilation - tears through the room once again. It's massive damage on all but an artfully dodging Kek! At such low health that most are at one would have to be mad to take a risky offensive. Mad... or a giant ape.

​

"...WHAT!", is all Acererak can get out for the third time, ending his maniacal laughter to turn his head just in time to see a massive gorilla slam into him, wrap its arms around his spindly body, flip him upside down, and continue its trajectory into a badass piledrive of mutually assured destruction right back down into the roiling lake magma.

​

"HOOOOO!", huge gorilla-Peach bellows. The pair body slams back into the goop, the archlich screaming in agony as the molten rock is more than enough to knock the bard out of ape form and into that of a grievously wounded elf standing on magma (DM: last session - water walk!) with no way to escape. All Arnie, Kek, Nakam, and Clone Arnie can do is support each other as the tense scene plays out far below. Bertram, though? Bertram has a plan. 

​

"PEACH!", he shouts. "GET READY!" ...And the historian swan dives off the ledge above. Timing it as perfectly as he can a dimension door appears between Peach's feet and the magma a split second before Bertram hits, laying his hand on the bard's shoulder and both falling through the hole at terminal velocity to appear back near the stairs up high. Goddamn. It worked. Now you're thinking with portals, Bertram! (DM: I did this same move to save Erik's character two campaigns ago, and now Erik does it to save Jacob EVEN CLOSER to lava and imminent death than before! Amazing!)

​

"Now where did you- Ah. There you are!", says Acererak menacingly as he floats up and sees the duo.

​

Despite Arnie running in to triage best he can, the lightning bolt that rips forth from Acererak is enough to knock both Peach and Bertram out and bleeding. More spectral blue hands fire out - which Kek finally finds out prevent healing as they are grasping! - and things look grim for a moment until Nakam gets Peach up, who in turn brings back Bertram.

​

"Guys! I'm coming! Hi! There you all are! I can help!" Clone Arnie as he rounds the wreck of the Soulmonger to join the rest. The flying archlich looks down and smiles a rictus grin.

​

"And help you did. So nicely grouped, all of you.", says Acererak. "You may be wondering 'Didn't he already cast a ninth-level spell?'. Well... I've long left mortal rules behind. I WISH... you would all just BURN!"

​

A swirling cloud of white hot embers superheats the air and nearly blinds the eyes as the Handy Hands take in the full force of an 8th level incendiary cloud, its intense fire damage scorching the flesh of all but nimble Kek. Nakam goes down! Peach again, too! With his last ounce of strength (and hit points) Bertram drags the unconscious bard out of the firestorm before he falls as well, another blue hand sucking out what little life he had left. Arnie, his clone, and Kek have no choice but to flee in other directions or become burnt to death themselves.

​

"The quarry hides?", calls Acererak from behind as they run up into the Sewn Sisters lair. "Very well then. Let's HUNT!"

​

The archlich vanishes. The firestorm too, which would be a great relief if not for the fact that all know that the undead wizard's concentration has shifted to a strategy of stealthy assassination. More spectral blue hands fly out of the void where, somewhere, Acererak is shielded by greater invisibility. Kek stabilizes Nakam and the barely-living paladin runs for cover, yet a whisper into the monk's ear stops her dead in her feet, chilling her to the bone.

​

"Find the healer. Murder him.", it croons. The monk's eyes narrow hatefully. Yes. Arnie must die.

​

"Psst. Peach! GO!", Bertram whispers. Barely conscious himself, he imbues Peach with the meager aasimar healing that he has. Soon the pair are sprinting for safety under the effects of the bard's circle of power but it's of little use. An exasperated sigh comes from the empty air.

 

"Would you just. Stop. Trying? ANNOYING!" A lightning bolt rips through the air to fry the duo, and once again they are down and bleeding out. Within moments Bertram and Peach are back at death's door, prone and fading. "Internet message boards! Capchas! AUTOTUNE! You pale in the face of my inventions!"

​

Kek grits her teeth. She can do this. Her mind is her own! She found stoicism with her amphibian people back when she was a he, and he was a grung... and like waves to water Kek lets Acererak's mind control wash off of her. Arnie shall not die by her hand! The archlich's shrieks in frustration, his hubris momentarily preventing recall of an obvious fact: to an experienced monk, their mind is a steel trap.

​

"Gah! Fine! Then... STAY PUT!"

​

Where dominate monster can be forced away, the same cannot be said for power word stun. Muscles lock up, jaw tenses, and all Kek can do is await the final flurry of spells that will kill herself and her steadfast allies. The raspy voice starts as a victorious cackle. Doom is coming. But first, there's one thing a villain can't resist:

​

An opportune moment for a monologue.

​

"You came here with hope, 'Handy Hands'. Hope...", the invisible archlich's voice echoes in the room. "First worshiper of Vecna. First follower of The Whispered One. I am ACERERAK. THE. ETERNAL! The only arcane greater than I are GODS. Hope? What hope did you have? What hope did you ever have?"

​

From the top of the stairs Arnie looks around. Nakam barely stands nearby. His clone cowers behind. Only three tiny dolls and a talking lizard otherwise. Down below Kek's frozen body can glance upwards. Peach and Bertram lay crumpled and dying nearby. He had been retreating up here out of Acererak's gaze to pop out and support as needed, but now it's all left to him. He needs to get down there and save his friends! How to buy time, if even a few seconds?

​

The handyman wields two tools: a wrench, and Lathander's flame. And this is no time for a wrench!

​

"I'm coming guys!", shouts Arnie.

 

Arnie runs down the stairs and swipes his hand across the ledge above the magma, a divine wall of fire roaring to life as another wave of blue hands lash out and nearly kill Peach and Bertram. The barrier of smoke and flame guard the handyman's friends... and the unexpected also happens. Acererak screams. In the middle of the fiery stretch the outline of a robed figure flails wildly. The intended barrier was an unintentional direct hit! The archlich appears, invisibility broken, and looking far worse for wear than before multiple immersions in fire. Is that... panic showing in his glowing pinprick eyes? With most down and Kek stunned, it's soon back to the archlich.

​

"Bubbling, babbling, BUFFOONS!", he screeches. "Tiny shoes! Leaden makeup! SPRAY-ON HAIR! My plans and machinations are beyond you... you... HANDY HANDS!"

 

The undead wizard waves his hand in the air, a rift in time and space appearing. "We. WILL. Meet. Again!"

​

And with that, Acererak the Eternal teleports away. ​

​

Despite compulsion by the Trickster God spirits to take action, the Handy Hands hold fast looking at the horror before them. The massive malformed... fetus?... pulses and glistens as mournful cries echo from the Soulmonger, another unlucky soul pulled into the umbilical-like cord to nourish the floating creature. What is this?

​

"They're food.", Bertram hesitantly says after they pull back up the stairs. "Whatever it is, it is being fed the very essence of the dead. The Soulmonger... it is nothing but a bottle. The Death Curse. It's just a symptom of the bottle collecting food!" Recalling Mr. Withers' journal, the fetal monstrosity is no less than a god! An unborn, partially formed, and corrupted infant god, but a godling nonetheless.

​

"We need to destroy the Soulmonger! And that... god baby thing!", says Peach.
 

"Maybe we should try reasoning with it first?", suggests Bertram. The historian walks back down, poised to run, and calls out. "EXCUSE ME! MR. BABY? Mrs. Baby...? HOW, uh... HOW ARE YOU?" It isn't so much a spoken reply as it is a psychic tidal wave that assaults Bertram's mind. A stream of madness hits - cries, manic laughter, obscenities, and vile thoughts crush inward as the historian pulls away fearing for his own sanity.

​

"Well. It's awake now. Sorry for that.", he says, returning and rubbing his temples. "But point noted: Do not talk to Baby."

​

"We're half fried, guys", speaks up Arnie. "I wanna stop the baby thing from destroying eternal souls too, but those hags really drained us. We need to rest!"

​

It takes some convincing. How many more souls will be digested into oblivion as they take a cozy evening's rest? When Kek points out that if they fail it won't matter if they waited or not, the decision is made. A night's rest it is. Not without planning, of course. As Nakam and Peach peek in again to ponder how to get close and mitigate risk, Bertram clears the room of cauldron fumes, and Clone Arnie chats up the trio of friendly ex-hag dolls, Kek settles into meditation pose and switches consciousness into her familiar. The horned frog hops into the unholy nursery.

​

The magma burns intensely far below, but the metal struts that support the Soulmonger over the molten rock are wide and solid enough. The familiar passes underneath the gently writhing tentacles of the device as it goes under the sleeping god-sized fetus, hopping over to explore twin ledges behind. Pots. Metal containers. Many of them, and all inscribed with arcane symbols. Bertram later informs that they match descriptions of lich phylacteries... a terrifying thought. If this many undead wizards trust their core essences within one location beholden to its creator, just how powerful is this 'Acererak the Eternal'? At least the Soulmonger and the horrific creature seem passive for now. A plan begins to form.

​

First, Kek's scrolls are divvied. Bigby's hand in particular could be an amazing tool. A floating battle platform? Yes please! Next, ridiculously expensive spell reagents. There's no gem-encrusted chalice for Arnie to make a heroes' feast, but maybe Wakanga can help? Note and gold value thrown into the Living Pouch, they hope and wait.

​

Then there's Obo'laka. The demigod drop bear's cautiousness has served Bertram well so far, but the last thing he needs is the urge to hesitate in an epic battle when his friends are in need. The historian reaches for Nangnang's egg... yet the new Trickster God is repelled by Obo'laka. Bertram goes blind but thankfully Nakam is there with a quick cure. Again he tries. Again the grung is kicked out... and Bertram has a sudden urge to touch Arnie! Another touch from Nakam, another cure. Okay then. Third time's the charm? The egg is touched, the gods screech in his mind, and the winner croaks.

 

"Raaw! Nangnang will -raaw- help you now!", the froggy spirit calls, and Bertram is finally one. (DM: Late to the mind-host party, it's Nangnang! Sticky footed and able to store spells, the grung also infects its host with a selfish greed.)

 

*         *         *

​

"Wake up y'all!" calls Peach come morning. "I made Arnie's favorite. Pancakes!"

 

"No need Peach... check THIS out!", exclaims Arnie. With a grand wave of his hand while holding a shiny gem-encrusted goblet (that sheister Wakanga didn't even give them a discount!), a magnificent heroes' feast appears. Pancakes of the highest class, cream, berries, juices of all varieties, specially requested dishes from the crews' respective homelands... this feast has everything! The eladrin bard would be put out, but it's hard to be sad about this!

 

The final preparations are made. Blesses from Ch'gakare's skull chalice. Water walking from Peach. Nakam notes all to stand close if possible. A massive golden translucent Bigby's hand appears next to Bertram, his eyes glowing the same gold.

 

"Well Kek. You ready to punch a baby in the face?", he asks.

 

"Let's do this!", the monk calls, jumping on the hand to surf it down the stairs. The hand flies up, Kek decks the massive floating fetus in the face, and it's ON!

​

Bertram runs up the wall with his newfound sticky feet to eldritch blast yet finds his own Shadowfell energy rocketing back at him. The viscous layer on the baby! It's reflective! Kek's pummeling staff and fists have no trouble landing, though the thing's giant multi-mouthed scream as it twists in surprise. The psychic pulse is enough to weaken the knees as all try to cover their ears, all but two resisting the maddening shriek. That baby! The historian just wants get close to touch it! Too bad it's really not a baby... to one, is actually Clone Arnie's father.

​

"I always knew you were a big stupid soul-eating jerk, Dad!", shouts the clone, throwing his dagger at the malformed monstrosity. No. It doesn't hit.

​

Cut off the food source! That's the plan! Arnie's fireball detonates mid-structure and the Soulmonger whips to life, tentacles lashing in retaliation. Nakam and Peach quickly follow, the changeling paladin misty stepping above to slam down The Downsizer as the bard charges in to smack Shagambi's mandolin into the tempered glass. Nakam is lucky. Peach not so much. Tentacles circle her waist and dangle her over the magma pit... but a timely misty step of her own teleports her safely next to Arnie.

​

Unable to stop himself from getting dangerously close to the baby yet in control of his magic, Bertram maneuvers Kek's battle platform up high near Nakam. The Soulmonger has got to go! The monk and paladin tag-team smash into the huge device, cracks forming on its thick glass as tentacles fail to unseat the threats. The room grows cold as the godling screams again, Bertram going blind (again! great!) as necrotic beams begin to shoot from its mouth. The madness and magma below are threats, but this damage? Arnie's got it! The handyman fires mass healing word off and... nothing. No one remotely near this thing is fixed up.

​

"Guys? Problem!", shouts Arnie. "It's counter-acting my heals!"

​

Kek confirms. Her healing touch does nothing! It dawns on all: This thing needs to go, and go FAST! The eladrin bard risks running in again and an up-ranked destructive wave explodes at the base of the Soulmonger, radiant energy shredding through the soul-collecting machine and soul-eating fetus. Two tentacles go limp as the glass cracks further and deeper, Nakam smiting from above to put the Soulmonger in dire straits. They can do this!

​

As Clone Arnie ushers a blind Bertram to safety the magical hand repositions, picking up Nakam to move him and Kek into a safer striking position. The monk hits and a tentacle lassoes her over molten rock, yet misty step saves the day again! Arnie sets up a killing blow with guiding bolt but a lashing tentacle catches his ankle, dragging him over the ledge towards a firey death. It's a shocked cry from Peach as she looks down expecting to see her dear friend die horribly... but there floats Arnie in the air, giving a thumbs up. Krenko's old Vest of Levitation! Arnie had thrown it on under his armor earlier. If only that ridiculous goblin could see them now! 

​

Rays of rot fire from the baby but it's no good. The changeling lines up his shot. With all his divine might he smites downward and the Soulmonger critically shatters, the air going briefly silent as sound itself is sucked into a nexus before detonating. Tens of thousands of souls explode outward into a tornado-like swarm of cacophony as Nakam plummets through the middle of it all, barely grabbing a strut below as he falls. The unborn god wails as its food escapes, the screams of the dead turning to sighs of relief as they dissipate to realms beyond.

​

Except a few. A few souls linger.

​

A druid of mottled skin stands proud, smiling down at his friends as a dreadlocked man clasps his shoulder. An elegant sage of a woman nods warmly. And there, between Col, Qawasha, and Syndra Sylvane, is a hairy goblin. A hairy goblin with a wild manic grin - and two hands! - who screams.

 

The mighty "YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" that bellows forth from Krenko "Tok-Tok" Kikijiki shakes the walls even more than the wails of the malformed fetus, the ear-splitting battle cry from beyond the grave bolstering his friends who still walk the earth. The 'baby' swells in pain, rage, and newfound fury as the viscous layer sloughs off and it devours what escaping souls it can, but the Handy Hands stead fast. One Soulmonger down. One evil baby to go!

​

Kek sprints right up the shattered walls of the Soulmonger to leap to the godling's shoulder and smack it upside the head as Bertram - blind and deafened as he may be my the wails - isn't prevent him from slamming Bigby's hand into the thing's face. Arnie and Nakam try their best to rejoin the rest as Peach gets in a lucky Wand of Wonder lightning bolt. Black energy swirls out of the baby's main mouth to coalesces near Clone Arnie: a spiteful wraith let loose from its absorber! The clone flees, helping the stumbling Bertram along with himself to safety once again.

​

Necrotic rays sear out from the unborn one towards Peach and Nakam as another wraith appears. The periodic mind-breaking shrieks don't relent yet are resisted... until they're not. Finding herself point blank with the screams' source, the gnome monk's eyes roll back into her head, her limbs going limp as she starts to slide off the godling.

​

"KEK!", shouts Peach. The bard burns her last teleport upward, grabbing folds of half-formed flesh in one hand and Kek in the other. Saved! A tenuous situation though. An exit is needed! Just as Peach looks for Bertram's hand to save them, the big golden fist blinks out of existence.

​

Freshly cured of mental injuries by Arnie the historian calls forth a Shadowfell spawn to hold back the wraiths, momentarily forgetting that Bigby's hand was relying on his concentration! Nakam stumbles as the hand fades, taking a blast from the unborn godling to slump unconscious on a strut over the magma. Peach acrobatically falls with Kek to safety, but with the monk stunned, the paladin knocked out, and the rest occupied with now three wraiths slashing at Bertram and his summon as they guard the exit, how do they go about defeating this floating soul-devouring monstrosity?

​

The answer? It's Arnie Time! A flurry of searing rays and Clone Arnie rushing ahead to help Bertram punch an opening through the wall of wraiths, and Arnie Prime sprints down from behind. A critical guiding bolt rips through the air and the massive half-formed fetus screams in pain, radiant light glowing like a target for the next Handy Hand to strike.

​

"Peach! Kill that baby!", shouts Arnie.

​

Another salvo of negative energy fires at Peach, but the bard stands tall. One final wail of madness finds no purchase as she brings down Shagambi's mighty mandolin to smash a hole in the bloated thing's side. The wail turns to an ear-splitting shriek that vibrates the chamber as the abandoned godling splits down the side, black plasma and undigested souls pouring forth in an otherworldly gruesome scene. By the time Kek and Bertram's minds clear, the wraiths have been sucked away to parts unknown and the godling limply floats silently. The large triangular room softly echoes with the sound of bubbling magma far below.

 

The Death Curse is no more.

​

"Everyone deserves safe access to cleric care.", says Peach. "It's a fundamental humanoid right!"

​

It's finally over. The Death Curse. The Soulmonger. This attempt to apparently raise an unholy god-child. All are ready for some very well-earned respite. As Nakam is helped up and healed, the blue portal at the rear of the chamber glows brightly. A skeletal figure in moldering robes and clutching a skull-tipped staff emerges from the portal, ominous and deadly if not for a dance-like backwards emergence, slotted shades, and jaunty hummed beat.

 

"Ladies! This better not be another false alar-", the lich starts, words catching in his withered throat as he spins around to see the chaos. The Soulmonger lies in pieces. The unborn god floats, sundered and unmoving. And the Handy Hands stand amidst the rubble and ruin, looking all the part of children who turned a playroom into a disaster area. 

​

"What?" The figure blinks his blue glowing pinpricks of eyes. "How... no... no! My plans... I have no time for this! I was in the middle of creating HIP HOP! FOOLS!"

​

It's not over. Not by a long shot. This baby's daddy - Acererak the Eternal - has returned. And daddy is pissed.

​

"Stay close to Nakam and myself!", shouts Peach.

 

Howls and cackles reverberate as the hags close in, phasing in and out of the walls from the chamber beyond. The changeling paladin and eladrin bard both start to glow with radiant protective energies, the historian warding himself against evil as the gnome monk strikes a defensive pose. The air around the handyman whirrs with a swarm of miniature Dude-like pixies. It's the Handy Hands vs. the Sewn Sisters, their rivals since entering this tomb. Time to rumble!

​

The Widow Groat emerges first, coins-for-eyes glinting, taking a hit from Bertram's flying axe before unleashing a wave of necrotic energy that bounces entirely off of Nakam and Peach's protective wards. Kek clambers up the balcony to give her a goat-staff walloping while Nakam runs around to engage, Groat's waves of insects finding no purchase as the monk retreats. It isn't missed that the damage from Kek's staff was reflected in all three hags. A symbiotic bind? Interesting. Arnie's swarm of spirit guardians confirm that damaging one hurts the others.

​

Peggy Deadbells phases directly in front of Peach and Clone Arnie, the bard's muscles tensing as yellow gas emerges from the hag's mouth but the paralytic agent is brushed off. The third of the coven - the freakish Baggy Nanna with her writhing sack of animals in place of a head - skitters along the ceiling to try to vampirically drain Bertram, but again, the wards hold. A dog barks from the sack in frustration.

​

"Arnie's Little Helper? Is that you in there?", calls Clone Arnie. "I'll save you little guy!"

​

"Wait!", shouts the real Arnie. "That's not-"

​

It's too late. Wearing rags and armed with only a dagger, the weird mutant version of Arnie charges headlong into the fray. Kek and Nakam corner Widow Groat but the monk vanishes in a puff as the paladin attacks, the hag herself becoming ghostly and transparent shortly after Bertram's axe connects again. Damn! Looks like these ladies aren't going to make it easy! It doesn't help that their stomachs roil in the presence of certain hags with the beer, roasted meat, and desserts causing just as much harm as they do benefits. And is that the silent butler charging out to assist his masters?

 

Spells fly as the other two hags phase in and out of reality, poison and necrotic rot starting to crack through the Handy Hands' amazing defense, yet attempts to subvert the crew's minds and bodies still thankfully resisted. Arnie and Peach both land solid hits on Peggy before she phases out, Clone Arnie running to hide in his cage after an errant blast hits him far harder than expected. 

​

Kek blinks. A room full of bodies and refuse. A large head with a lever in each nostril. She knows of this place: this is where Arnie was once trapped! Pushing back mentally with her shamanic training she bursts forth from the prison, warping back into the Sewn Sisters' lair just in time to dive defensively in front of Peach and Bertram. Nakam smites the Widow Groat hard just as the hag phases back into full view. The witch reels as her sister Baggy Nanna retaliates with a green beam fired at the paladin, Nakam suddenly finding their muscles limp under the effects of ray of enfeeblement. They can land solid hits now and then, but this ethereal plane-hopping is making the coven incredibly hard to target!

​

"Pick me up!", the little straw doll known as Strawbundle calls up to Peach. "I can help you follow them!"

​

"Alright! Let's go!", says the bard. In a misty swirl Peach becomes just as ghostly as the hags when they fade out of reality, but to her perspective all is reversed. Her friends and the hags' lair lose cohesion as the shape of Peggy Deadbells becomes solid before her, the witch snorting yellow fumes with a sneer as the bard abuses their own gimmick. Peggy's sisters phase in to assist, with Peach finally taking enough damage to end her massively protective circle of power. It hurts considerably... but at least the hags now have nowhere to hide!

​

"What about you?", Kek asks the little clay boy, Clay-No-Face. With all of the Sewn Sisters phased out to deal with Peach and Kek having punched the butler (a disguised scarecrow) into a wrecked heap, there's nothing to do but prepare at the moment. "What can you do?"

​

It draws a mouth on itself. "Oh! Hold me and you won't need to eat or breathe!"

​

"What. Why?! You're entirely useless to me!"

​

The brief reprieve is broken when the hags phase back - knowing the protective wards are fading - to paralyze once again. Most resist the compulsion... but not Arnie. The handyman seizes up and Groat leaps at the opportunity, grievously injuring him within an inch of his life with a critical inflict wounds. Teleporting across the room to corner a re-emerging Baggy Nanna, Nakam and Bertram are far from aiding Arnie. But Kek didn't leave. Whipping around the cauldron the monk clocks her fist into Groat's skull and the glimmer of her coin eyes fade. Stunning Strike!

​

The opportunity isn't missed. Nakam, Bertram, and Clone Arnie hack at Baggy Nanna with all that they have as Peach phases back to slam her mandolin into Peggy Deadbells' spine. Hold person broken, Arnie steps back with a burning glint in his eyes to let loose a radiant pillar of flame strike on Groat, and soon all three of the hags mirror each other in a burning bloody mess. The hags try to phase out one last time to escape but the historian's axe is too quick. Agamaya flies through the air to catch Peggy in the chest and the witch stumbles back, yellow smoke swelling between her lips as she groans and slumps, her sisters mirroring the wound and falling to the floor as well.

​

The Sewn Sisters move no more. Except for that writhing sack of animals.

​

"Arnie's Little Helper!", shouts Arnie #2. "I gotta save him!" Before others can intervene the second handyman pierces the burlap with his dagger... and vanishes. To Clone Arnie's point of view he's been sucked into a black void. He can feel that he's under water, sinking fast, and definitely not alone. Serpent fangs, a clawing beak, and canine teeth all gnash at him as he thrashes to escape, dagger failing to pierce the sack's interior. Water is coming in! Gotta get out!

​

As the clone is unknowingly mauled by animals while drowning, the rest watch as withered fingers worn around Baggy Nanna's neck animate and begin etching runes in the air. Aww heck no! Nakam and Bertram slash the fingers from the air before the historian tears the sack open... to find three dying animals. No 'Clarnie'. And certainly no head upon the neck.

​

The paladin and warlock recoil as a geyser of blood blasts from the stump, torso of the thin hag swelling abnormally large as they back away. The chest explodes and Clone Arnie emerges from within, looking very hurt by animals yet having finally cut his way outward. Finally, after one last unexpected nightmarish scene, the remains of the Sewn Sisters fully lie still.

​

"You know...", starts Arnie, healing up his clone as he ponders the three talking dolls. "You three could come with us when this is all done! You'd be great in our entertainment business! You too, Other Arnie! Excellent ticket-selling attractions!"

​

"Abominations... always with the abominations...", mutters Kek.

​

Nakam sighs. "Maybe we should get out of here alive first before considering worker exploitation?"

​

Okay. Fine. What next, though? Clearly there's something ominous beyond the green stone doors that they went through so much effort to unlock, but it took a lot of effort to defeat the Sewn Sisters. Surely they can't linger for a day. Perhaps a short rest, at least? All agreed, the gang find a defensible spot in the room in which Kek was catching spell scrolls from the air and settle down for a bit, Peach joining last after collecting some interesting items from the corpses of the three hags.

​

"Look at these! Maybe they belong in a museum, Bertram?", says Peach.

​

The historian looks over the three black gems and two bags, the latter just as disgustingly matching the humanoid skin one that Peach had stolen from Peggy Deadbells nights before. "Ew. Ya. Those gems could be useful. The 'soul bags' though. I cannot think of any museum that could ethically show those."

​

"I've got an idea.", speaks up Kek. "I'm over hags. We're over hags. But I've been avoiding holding powerful items because I'm still in debt to one. What if we offer the soul bags to Granny Gristlegums? Settle all debts? Be hag-free?"

​

That's an idea! Peach hands over all three to Kek and the gnome sits to meditate, imagining her mind extending into the Astral Sea. She isn't sure how to ethereally contact someone at great distance, but if there's a hag-bound contract there has to be some sort of connection, right? Kek feels nothing. Yet just as she is about to stand up in frustration, a familiar voice creeps into her mind.

​

"Oh my, my little anti-grung. What has become of you?", the bemused voice of Granny Gristlegums echoes in her head.

​

"My path is my own.", Kek thinks back. "Listen. Your sisters are dead. I have what they held dear. I'd like to make a deal."

​

There's the notion of a happy cackle in response. Gristlegums, after all, wasn't such a fan of her former coven either. "Oh? A deal, now?" One can almost hear the witch's fingers steeple.

​

"All three soul bags of your former coven. In exchange, all debts of myself and my companions are paid in full." Bertram and Peach nod when Kek relays the mental conversation. The historian lost the memory of his family, and the bard some of her specialized knowledge. This could be a bargain indeed.

​

"Hmm.", the hag ponders. "Very well! Agreed! The soul bags, and all debts are fulfilled." A moment later all three soul bags dematerialize in Kek's hands, presumably to fly through the ether towards a witchy destination. "Your debt to me is no more, Kek the grung. Your friends however...  they had no debts. Their transactions are long since completed. Willful exchanges in the moment. Yours was the last. Take care now! And please to visit Granny Gristlegums' Yard Sale some time again! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!"

​

"Well, she got ya there.", says Peach after the conversation is relayed. "We're really gonna need to improve our contractual bartering skills before we go to the Hells and deal with devils to save Eku, won't we?"

​

At least all hag engagements - hostile or otherwise - are finally off the table. All that lingers is a door. A very large door, and if all assumptions are correct, the source of the Death Curse itself. And a 'baby', so they've been told. Short of somehow leaving and returning with an army, the only thing to do for the Handy Hands is to confront what lies beyond.

​

What hits first is the heat. Or is it cold? Beyond the giant door and down a stairway both temperature extremes inexplicably mingle. Crumbling balconies overlook a huge triangular chamber filled with glowing magma where there, suspended on struts, is an immense device swirling with wraith-like forms, otherworldly screams of the dead filling the air and radiating an intense necromantic cold as four long tentacles lash the air around it.

​

The Soulmonger. This must be it.

​

The source for the Death Curse would be a terrible sight solely on its own if not for what was attached to it. A monstrous... THING... dominates the chamber. Its body wet and malformed, arms and legs atrophied, oversized head dripping black goo, something that can only be described as an unholy fetus the size of a dinosaur floats nearby tethered to the Soulmonger by a twisted umbilical cord.

 

The baby. A massive unborn creation lies at the base of the Tomb. And it is being nourished by the souls of the dead.

​

​

(DM: Next session... it's The Handy Hands vs. The Death Curse! How will this long-awaited confrontation go? Regardless of the outcome, all were pleased of our custom baby and Soulmonger, continuing our tradition of fighting items that belong on shelves. Tune in next time for an epic showdown!)

​

With Yaka the floating skull disintegrated into oblivion, it makes Peach wonder. This void orb that the immortal jester floated into - this Sphere of Annihilation - is there any way to move it and use it to the Handy Hands' advantage? Try as she might it doesn't budge. Rumors are one can control these things somehow, but whatever the trick is it eludes her. It sits just as conspicuously as the Black Opal Crown of Omu royalty in the center of the room... should they even be trying to move it?

​

"There's something about that crown. It's really old. Probably very valuable. But it makes people go a bit crazy.", she relates, filling in others what she had magically detected earlier.

​

"What if we make a human chain, toss it out of the room quick, teleport with it, or hide it?", suggests Bertram.

​

Time is spent considering elaborate plans. It could work. Maybe not. Who knows, maybe touching the crown makes the Sphere 'Pac-Man' across the room to eat them? Either way, unknown outcomes are risky and cost of resources likely high. It's Kek and Arnie who talk a bit of sense into the others. No. Not now. They've got a coven of powerful hags to defeat and a Soulmonger to find. Maybe after they've ended this Death Curse they can spend time with this riddle.

​

Down they go, and down further. Nakam is impressed when the others lead him through the powerhouse-like machinery of the 5th level, Arnie rotating gears for the rest to reach their destination of the dark stairs descending to parts unknown. They hesitate for a moment... but only a moment. Lights up! Sewn Sisters, here come the Handy Hands!

​

Kek and Peach jockey for lead position on the narrow debris-ridden stairs, an eerie green haze thickening as they press further and further down. Finally the stairs open to a vaulted hall with raised balconies where sickly smoke billows from a bronze cauldron in the middle of the floor, three empty wooden rocking chairs around it. Half-tailored clothes are heaped on work benches, a large spinning wheel awaits a weaver, and what looks like an iron cage with a tattered blanket over it sits to one side. It's oddly quiet, just the burble of whatever is simmering within the cauldron.

 

The Sewn Sisters aren't home. Yet something moves. Something small.

​

The Handy Hands stand on guard as a little shape moves in the thick green fumes to hide behind a barrel. The squeak of a rusty wheel to the right. Something else small moves near the rear of the hall.

​

"You shouldn't be here.", a little girls' voice calls from behind the barrel. "They'll be mad! You should run away!"

​

"The Sewn Sisters?", asks Peach. "Oh. We're not scared of them. In fact we're looking for them!"

​

The three tiny figures that cautiously emerge and shuffle toward the Handy Hands are less than comforting: a straw doll with rusty pins sticking from its body, a stuffed monkey with the lower body of a unicycle, and a faceless child molded from clay.  What horrors are these?! Kek and Nakam are about to smash them when Arnie speaks up.

​

"You! From that creepy dream!", the handyman calls to the clay boy. "You helped me escape the witch! Hi little guy!"

​

Indeed he did! Less servants and more cruel playthings the three dolls were once children, now trapped in their new forms by the Sewn Sisters. It's early enough that the hags are away and caretaking for 'the baby' in the next chamber. Stepping forward Kek sees the path ahead. A massive door of green stone embedded with the bones of goblins and five golden geometric symbols resting in a line looms beyond the haze, and hanging strung up by the hands upon it, the lifeless body of Lukanu the royal guard. Trapped in a mirror for 100 years just to be murdered by sadistic witches. Not a good death.

​

The symbols, though. Triangle, square, pentagon, hexagon, and octagon... the weird skulls Kek has been collecting! They're keys! If any ominous door in the lowest floor of a dungeon contains the source of a worldwide plague, this would be it. The former grung debates how to insert the skulls as the clay boy says something odd. 

​

It looks at Arnie and draws a smile on his moldable face. "We're happy you came to save your brother!"

 

Brother? The gang looks at each other. The little straw girl refers to a "lookie-loo". A what? The wheeled monkey hacks up a bit of stuffing as the clay boy draws on worried eyebrows. They don't know? A moan comes from the cage. Then a voice.

​

"Ugh... Guys? Is that you? Did you finally come to save me?"

 

The handyman's eyes go wide. That doesn't make any sense. That's his voice! Arnie's voice! The rest look back and forth, all dreading what lies beneath the tattered old blanket. They don't want to know. They could just walk away. But if they do then they'll never know, and leaving unexplored knowledge behind is something Bertram cannot do. He rips off the blanket.

​

And there, in the cage, is Arnie Lambert. A second Arnie Lambert.

​

There's a gasp from the lizard Sebastian. "DUPLICATION!"

​

"GUYS! You found me! I can't believe you found me!", the second Arnie is nearly crying with relief. "Peach! Bertram! Hey, where's Kek and Col? Who's the gnome and the pale guy? Where's Eku and Sekelok, and the old man?"

​

The others stare in disbelief. They look at Arnie. Well, the Arnie not in the cage. He shrugs in utter confusion. This second Arnie doesn't look... formed well. The clothes are a mockery of the real Arnie's - stitched fruit leather for a 'shirt' and a dead animal as a 'hat' - yet the rest him is also off. The eyes are a bit too far apart and one sits higher than the other. The chin juts a bit more and the teeth don't look all there. His spine is somewhat twisted. And is that SIX fingers on his right hand?

​

"Crap work!", exclaims Nakam. "Lazy! You call this doppelganging? I can do better and I've known Arnie for like two days!" Thoroughly unimpressed the shapechanger changes shape... and suddenly there's three Arnies in the room. "See?"

​

The misshapen Arnie's eyes go wide at the display, then look towards the original Arnie. "IMPOSTER!"

​

"Oh? And how do we know YOU'RE not the imposter?", asks Bertram. "Prove it."

​

The deformed Arnie rambles and is quizzed further, but it's quite impressive. This second Arnie has the same childhood memories, he can pointedly recall their whole journey through Chult, friends gained and lost, and more. Peach figures it out once they find the gap in recollection: This second Arnie remembers nothing of their time in the Tomb of the Nine Gods ever since their first night, when the Sewn Sisters first visited them and stole some of Arnie's hair. He's a hag-made clone! But what to do with him? Bertram easily picks the lock and lets the oddity out.

​

"Oh thank you! It's been days!", Clone Arnie says. "I spent my time in there writing a new musical! It's about a two-headed deer that loves to sing, but both heads sing at different pitches, then one day they start singing at the same pitch and fall in love with each other! It's my best screenplay yet!"

​

"...Okay. Hungry? Want a pancake?", asks Arnie #1.

​

"Oh yes! I'm starving!", responds his worse half. The deformed clone grabs the other Arnie's spice pouch and dumps a line of cumin on the pancake, snorting it up before rolling the pancake and eating it whole. So Arnie #2 is weird. Really weird.

​

"This is grotesque!", says Arnie #3 before chopping down with his large axe, attempting to end this mockery of a creation. It cuts deep, Clone Arnie screaming as he scuttles back into the open iron cage to hide.

​

"Stop! Hey! Hold on!", shouts Original Arnie, moving between Nakam and the cage. "If he's me than he won't harm us. Look how hurt and scared he is! He needs help. And we're the Handy Hands. Helping is what we do!"

​

It takes some convincing but eventually Nakam, Bertram, and Peach accept that a second Arnie isn't so bad, even if he is a total weirdo. Even Kek, working on the skull key puzzle, grudgingly agrees. There is the matter that Clone Arnie still thinks that he's the original and Arnie #1 is the clone but they can work on that. In fact the opportunity comes quick. In attempt to heal it doesn't seem that the second Arnie has any attachment to his god Lathander.

​

"Oh, of course!", the bizarro version says. "I'm missing my holy symbol!" Maybe. Likely not though. Arnie #1 quickly carves a new holy symbol to test the theory, but it's no use. There's no connection between Clone Arnie and Lathander. It's a mix of emotions as the crew works to calmly convince the clone he's just that and to explain the death of Col and the others. It's a lot to process, but if anything Arnie's sense of duty in helping others was also cloned. Time to get to work. The three dolls inform that the small doors around the hall correspond with the five geometric symbols. Time to help get this gate open!

​

Bertram goes first. The 'triangle' room is sparse, containing only a reinforced glass tube with a triangular hole, lever inside. Too heavy for mage hand. With a little help from Clone Arnie and looping a rope it's an easy enough to yank the lever back. The golden panel in front of the triangular hole on the giant green door slides away revealing a slot of the same shape behind. Kek runs by to punch the triangle-headed skull in - *click*. One down, four to go!

​

Kek goes next. The 'square' room is a mess of flying sheets of parchment fluttering by, ghostly intangible lever on the back wall. The ex-grung monk grabs at the paper, inspecting their indecipherable scripts. What are these? ("Spell scrolls! Nice ones too!", Peach later discovers.) Upon grabbing three out of the air the rest coalesce into an odd little impish thing.

​

"Agree and the lever will be!", it says in a scratchy voice. What? Fine. Kek agrees. With a single word - "BLOATBUG!" - the little gnome woman starts to swell. She was 'swole' before with the power of Kubazan, but now? It's a 'roided out dense bodybuilding mess of a monk! Add it to the list of body-modifying curses that she's had to endure on this jungle road trip. The ghostly lever becomes solid, *click*, a square golden panel retracts, another skull jammed in by Bertram. Two down!

​

Clone Arnie in tow, Bertram tries 'octagon'. Just a pedestal and a small book on it in front of a wall embedded with upside-down skeletons. Huh. Only eight pages, too. The historian suggests Clone Arnie give it a read. It takes a few frustrating tries of the second handyman getting stuck in a loop, but they get there. The room rumbles with each page read - backwards from eight to one - and a small lever appears in the back of the pedestal. Another panel. Another skull. Bam! Three down!

​

"Hey, whatcha got there, smells deli- ooh! Roasted boar!", exclaims Peach as she follows Arnie Prime and Nakam through the 'pentagon' door, wasting no time stuffing food in her face. A full feast! Nevermind the eerily silent butler motioning for the gang to sample food from the three tables. It all smells and looks amazing! Arnie and Nakam sample some tasty treats as Kek and Clone Arnie wander in and join. It's been days down in this hellhole. Why not! Surely nothing bad can come of it! Hidden lever pulled by Peach, the golden pentagon retreats with a *click*, and Bertram shoves the fourth skull in. One left!

​

The 'hexagon' room is quietly ominous. Words scrawled in blood above a cracked six-sided mirror mounted on the back wall: "PIGGY PIGGY PIGGY". Five unlit candles sit underneath it. Finishing up a frothy beer Peach wanders over to light them just when Bertram notices something. A sixth candle, lodged behind the shelf. Lighting five in a room of six? Could have been bad! All six lined up, the bard magically alights each in turn, and the mirror reflects an invisible lever.

 

*Shunk*. *Click*. *Slide*. Kek kicks in the final skull.

​

The massive green stone door groans as all five skull keys rotate, slight tremors shaking the chamber. The vibrations stop... and the hum begins. Pulsing. Loud. An alarm? The Handy Hands (plus one) ready themselves as the three dolls panic.

​

"Oh no! They know! They're COMING!", shrieks the straw girl, her and the clay boy and wheeled monkey fleeing.

​

The pulsing hum continues. A shoulder is seen where it shouldn't be, emerging partway up a wall. A dark shape phases through the ceiling and skitters at a distance. A gnarled hand emerges right through the green door.

​

"We told you...", an old crone's voice echoes. "DON'T. WAKE. THE BABY!"

​

"My mother warned me to never use Divination magic around dairy products. 'Don't scry over spilled milk', she said! HAH!"

​

Peach rolls her eyes. This skull!  Occasionally its funny but most of the time the jokes are horrible. To make it worse, the thing won't stop following her! "Just... stop. Hey. What's it going to take to make you go away?"

​

"GEMS!", replies Yaka the floating golden skull. "LOTS of gems! Let's say... 10,000 gold worth! Hey! Hey! Where's the best place to hit a cleric? IN THE TEMPLE! HAH!"

​

"That's just rude!", says Arnie. Nakam and Bertram sadly determine the skull wasn't lying: It's invincible. And 10,000 gold worth of gems? No way that they have that! Guess Peach is stuck with it for now. "Let's decorate it at least..."

​

After taking a moment to draw goofy eyebrows and make a big handy handprint on Yaka's cranium, it's off to the final tomb of a Trickster God. Unkh the flail snail awaits below. The same conspicuous chest sits at the bottom of the stairs into Unkh's tomb, trap door above jammed just by Bertram. Kek mentioned a hollow-sounding floor just beyond. The historian confirms the floor tiles are very weak, and the alkaline scent of acid is near.

 

"Acid pit trap.", says Bertram. "A classic."

​

Surely they can jury rig their way to safety here! Arnie and Kek jump over to fashion a rope swing of sorts between pillars. This should do! Peach tests it. Nakam follows. Bertram gets some leverage by standing on the chest and... too much slack!

​

He arcs into the floor and it caves in, tiles hissing as they land in a big polished mirror-walled vat of acid as Bertram slams into the far wall and nearly loses his grip! The rope holds firm at least, and soon the muscled arm of Nakam reaches down to help his new ally out of what would have surely been a very painful - if not deadly - bathing experience.

​

"Yaka.", Bertram says after suppressing a panic attack. "There's gems down there."

​

"Oh yeah?! Om nom nom!" The skull dives into the acid and splashes around, only to return perfectly unharmed save for Arnie's artwork. Damn! Magic won't work, acid won't work... how do they lose this thing?

​

Flying skull distractions aside, all now see the strange room that Kek had seen earlier. A crystalline sarcophagus that shifts colors every few seconds. A balcony with a large maze embedded on the wall. Kek and Arnie are impressed when they climb stairs to approach it: under a strange layer of isolated fog, the maze is continually shifting and reconfiguring. Neat!

 

Mazes, though. Kek knows mazes. The god who reigned before the Tricksters held them sacred. Everyone knows to trace a maze is to show respect, absent god or not. She raises a new gnomish hand, touches the maze, and *SHOOM*! Stone walls shifting. Fog. The absolutely massive head of Arnie looking down from above. She's IN the maze! Distant slamming sounds are heard as Giant Arnie turns away. What's going on out there?

​

"Minotaurs! Look out!", shouts Bertram. Hidden chambers full of bones snapped open when Kek vanished, ten animated bull-headed skeletons charging outward from all sides. One forcefully slams into the historian and knocks him prone, two others chopping down with primitive stone axes as two more aim for Peach. The bard takes a step forward to unleash a massive destructive wave, but it's going to take more than that!

​

The rest of the skeletons rush Nakam and for the first time the Handy Hands get to see what the former "Biff" was holding back. The Downsizer flashing with light as he whirls it around to nearly fell a minotaur in two chops, the changeling gives off an air of confidence that bolsters his allies. Picking himself up, Bertram's eyes and mouth explode with radiant light of his own as the power of his celestial heritage swells. The bulky skeletons around him burn then careen backwards, shattering into the tomb's walls... huh. That wasn't ALL him. The historian pivots around to see Arnie holding his wrench high.

​

"Here to help!", the handyman shouts, his mighty pulse of destroy undead fading. He turns to notice a tiny little gnome running around inside of the wall-mounded maze. "Kek! Quit messing around in there!"

​

Messing around? She's kind of busy! No one else is helping with this maze! Round and round she sprints through the featureless labyrinth as walls shift and paths change. Every time she doubles back things aren't quite as they were. What's this... bones of a child? Horrible, but of no use. Something important must be here! The gnome monk sprints onward.

​

Half of the minotaurs downed by Arnie and the other half cracked by Peach and Nakam's onslaught, the gang presses into them. Arnie's scorching rays arc in and Nakam fells one more as Peach uses Shagambi's mandolin to cudgel another. Bertram positions to throw Agamaya when... a hand emerges from his bandolier pouch? Holding a rum bottle? 

​

"Agh! Bad timing!", he says, pressing the bottle back into the Living Pouch. It pops back out again shortly after with a big handful of ice, smearing on Bertram's chest in attempt to put out his divine flame. "NO, Wakanga! Not now!"

​

Meanwhile Kek runs around corner after corner. Nothing. Until, finally: there! A key! A big blue key at a dead end! She grabs the key and *SHOOM*, is shunted outward to find herself falling out of the maze, off the balcony and on to Unkh's tomb. 

​

"Kek! Stop being useless! We've got a fight going on here!", says Arnie. The gnome monk shakes her head exasperatedly.

​

A flurry of attacks later, it's over. The remaining three minotaur skeletons shatter, and the room goes quiet.

​

"Too bad we didn't shrink any.", says Peach. "Then they'd be MINItaurs!"

​

"Hey! That's my joke!", responds Yaka.

​

The crystalline sarcophagus shifts red... purple... blue. Intuitively Kek inserts the blue key and, without even a turn, the lid grinds aside. It's a sad sight within. All that remains of Unkh, last of the Trickster Gods, is bracelets made out of her prismatic shell resting atop a thick bed of salt. A cruel way to go for a gastropod deity. Partially buried in the salt with the bracelets is an amazingly colorful robe, threads just as shimmering and opalescent as the shell fragments.

​

"Well. May as well join this god party...", says Nakam, reaching for it. Ghostly slime pours from its folds and climbs up the changeling paladin's arms, forming flail-like pseudopods as it goes. I can help you, says a slow plodding voice in his head. At least, I think I'm supposed to... (DM: Incredibly resilient yet incapable of making any decisions, Unkh takes up residence in Nakam's mind! The indecisiveness may be a problem, but the Robe of Scintillating Colors is quite the thing!)

​

Kek feels... different. Something changed when she turned that key. She feels great! Well, mostly great! (DM: Immune to slashing/piercing but vulnerable to bludgeoning for a while!) She gets to work collecting bracelets made of god shell as Bertram intently listens. There's been a ticking coming from down new hall ever since the minotaurs revealed it. What's is it?

​

Creeping up with Arnie and Nakam and "Scooby Doo-ing" around a corner, an ornate tall furniture-like cabinet is seen, numbered dial and two hand-shaped spokes set over a pendulum swinging in a glass compartment. The egg-shaped stone at the tip gives off a soft iridescent light. 

​

"Transmutation magic. Interesting", says Bertram as he studies the device. He and Arnie are able to piece together it's a timekeeping creation of some sort. It's oddly resilient, though. The glass compartment doesn't open despite having hinges. His axe doesn't even leave a scratch. The hands tick slowly towards 10am as the trio search for tricks and traps.

​

Meanwhile, that chest has been bugging Kek. She jumps the acid pit to lift it - tripping the trap that was jammed by Bertram earlier - and shakes. Something rattles. She slams it to the ground, wood splinters and... nothing. Nothing at all. Kek groans.

​

"Kek! Right there! It's invisible!", says Peach, her Robe of Many Eyes revealing what the gnome cannot see. "Feel around to your right." Ahh. There it is. An invisible key!

​

*GONG*! The grandfather clock strikes 10am. Nakam and Arnie are able to shake off the magical vibration that fills the room, but not Bertram. Beard puffing up a bit, lines deepen at the corners of his eyes. Ten years! The clock just made him age ten years older! The chwinga living in his beard pops out, now having a beard of its own. Can a forest spirit even age?

​

Search resumed, the historian eventually feels an invisible key hole on the case's front door. Invisible hole? Invisible key! Inserting the new key Peach opens it with ease, pendulum stopping for easy retrieval. It's called the Navel of the Moon, so says her identify, and it's one heck of a nice spellcasting focus! Not ideal for the bard or the warlock, but maybe Arnie can make use of it in the future?

​

"Hold on.", says Kek as they're getting ready to leave. "I've been meaning to do this."

​

Kneeling down she methodically pulls out her satchel's contents. Nine tombs visited. Nine fragments of bone (and shell) collected. The Handy Hands quietly gather around as Kek prepares the ritual to speak to her deities. Not one at a time, but all of them. The ritual begins, but this is no distant connection or ambiguous entity, no. Nine items in the vicinity flare with intense colorful auras that take the shapes of a kamadan, an eblis, a su-monster, and more.

​

We are here., they psionically tone in unison. You found us. Thank you.

​

The Nine Trickster Gods of Chult. Together once again! Kek had long been waiting for this moment. But what to ask? What does one say to a pantheon, living or not? When she asks if she and her friends have what they need to take on the Sewn Sisters and end the Death Curse, the nine spiritual forms look at each other with confusion. 

 

You found us, but we are not the key., they say, each taking their turn to add individual comments. We are not what was needed. But we will help. The time has come to end the Thin Man's creation. Avenge us...

​

The auras slowly fade, their essences still felt around the very items the Handy Hands wear and hold. A strange feeling lingers, though. Their recently deceased friend Col spoke of the multiple times that they had dreamed of rainbow-like hues hidden in the forests. Each Trickster God had just manifested as a particular color. Kek doesn't know if this was exactly Col's visions, but there's something there. Col searched for place and meaning, and these spirits may be part of that somehow.

 

That just leaves the crown. Several rooms away the oddly foreboding symbol of Omuan royalty sits. May as well check that final box off, the Handy Hands figure. Who knows? Maybe it'll help versus what lies below?

​

Returning to the crown's conspicuous chamber Peach looks at it through the Mirror of the Past. Scenes of young queens donning the crown, scenes of them holding court, scenes of them passing judgement, and scenes of them acting oddly paranoid towards others. And then another scene. It's somewhere else entirely. A floating city of ancient design? A mage smiles at his new creation, holding the crown high towards the sun.

​

"It's old. Very old. Far older than Omu, it looks.", says Peach. "It doesn't seem to bring out the best in its wearers, either."

​

"If my father wore it he'd be the same, I bet.", Arnie starts, turning to Yaka the flying skull. "He never smiles. Always yells. I grew up in a cold home with only my mother ever showing love."

​

"Hah HAH.... um. Nope. There's no jokes there...", says the skull.

​

Hey. That's it! Maybe they can make themselves so unfunny that Yaka won't want to hang around? One by one the Handy Hands tell the tragedies of their lives. Nakam says he has no family left. Bertram can't remember his. Anyone that Peach gets close to just ends up dead. In search for greater meaning Kek has lost their identity almost entirely. The final nail in the coffin is when the Handy Hands explain that not even Omu is left. All its people, everyone who knew Yaka, any family the skull ever had in life, all of them murdered and forgotten.

​

"Well that's not funny. None of it. Nothing at all any more, really." The skull's demeanor changes and it goes silent for a while, turning away from the group. Finally it turns back to Peach. "Hey. That black hole around the corner. Over there."

​

The eladrin bard moves towards the utter blackness inside a screaming devil motif's mouth, Yaka following and identifying it as a ball of pure negative energy called a Sphere of Annihilation. The skull floats close.

​

"Hey, here's one: An adventuring party once entered the domain of Death itself.", Yaka starts. "They pillaged. They looted. But they never touched the pillows. You know why? They were afraid of the Reaper Cushions! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."

​

Yaka the floating golden comedy skull floats backwards laughing, into the round void, and into oblivion.

​

"AHH!", screams Kek, pointing at one breast. "AHH!", they scream again, pointing at the other.​

​

"TRANSFORMATION!", exclaims the lizard Sebastian.

​

A gnome! Kek has always wanted to abandon identity in search of spiritual truth. But this? To be another species entirely, let alone a mammal variety with all of their weird hair and mammary glands and internal sexual reproduction? This is too much! The former grung wails as they try to jump high and stick to walls as they'd been able to their whole life, only to fail. 

​

"It's okay Kek! It is still 'Kek' right? You're still our friend no matter what you look like!", says Arnie.

​

"Oh honey. Here.", says Peach, handing Kek products. "Sometimes a girl reaches a point in their lives where everything changes. I'll help you through this."

​

Panic subsiding a bit, Kek stops to think about it. The new form is traumatic but perhaps there's some tradeoffs? This mammalian skin doesn't dry out anywhere near as fast. Having eyes capable of darkvision is incredible! There's something about this form that is highly resistant to magic. That's very nice. The loss of powerful jumping legs and adhesive digits is a big loss, yet perhaps their monk discipline can be used to compensate a lot of that.

​

"Wow!", exclaims Biff. "So you guys are cool with big change like that? If they're still the same person? What if they're not?"

​

Eyes turn to Biff Longsteel. What? 

​

The himbo fighter clears his throat. "Hey. Here. I can talk a bit smarter than the first Biff." His voice wavers a bit and changes tone, almost as if the structure of his throat was changing entirely. "I... um... What if I were to say I'm not the first Biff?"

 

The Handy Hands look on in confusion as Biff changes entirely. Curly blond hair straightens and fades to white. His complexion drains of color - as do his eyes - until both are a pale grey. Even his form deflates a bit, brawny torso and limbs turning into a slightly taller and more wiry frame.

 

Not-Biff puts up his hands. "It wasn't my fault, I swear! The real Biff was dead when I found him!" 

​

"DECEPTION!", shouts the surprised lizard.

​

"A changeling!", exclaims Peach. There's many communities of them in her Feywild home yet they're supposedly rare here in the Material Plane. Identity is to them as clothing is for any other race - a fact that causes them to be mistrusted despite a breadth of personalities just as wide as any other sapient species. "So if you're not Biff, who are you?"

​

"I am Nakam.", he responds. "Biff died a long time back. No one saw. I took his place and, well... I guess I stayed as Biff for a while. Came to Chult with the Company of the Yellow Banner. You know most of the rest."

​

For the Handy Hands its simultaneously a lot to take in and yet just another bit of weirdness that has happened down in this tomb. It's been a real long last few days. They're not too sure of this 'Nakam', but they've proven themselves loyal to their word and brave otherwise. Sure. They can tag along. With Col gone they'll need every ally they can to get out of this mess.

​

(DM: Welcome to the fellowship, Nakam! Biff's secret identity proved a fortuitous option once Col had fallen, bringing a very different personality to the mix. Time will tell how a changeling paladin came to be, let alone came to be here!)

​

A voice in Peach's head speaks up. The Omu royal crown, Shagambi 'says'. It should be here with Queen Napaka. It is not. Have you seen it? The bard recalls the crown that is clearly Trap Bait in another room on this floor, but they still aren't too keen to mess with it. Maybe later. For now, though, at least they can test out this magical scepter and necklace!

​

"Wait!", says Peach, a moment after identifying the necklace. "Not that! It's set to explode if anyone puts it on"

​

Yikes. Duly noted! She and Bertram do spend a while pondering Napaka's scepter. Using mage hand to pair it with its twin on the skin-and-bone throne does nothing. Recovering from the trauma of changing forms, Kek volunteers. The female gnome sits with scepters in hand and... no... she mustn't. The power of the throne nearly overcomes her, as well as the urge to fly into a rage and murder her friends... but not today. Leaving the macabre throne room behind along with Queen Napaka's perfectly preserved corpse nearby, the Handy Hands leave after tempting fate far enough.

​

"I know it's not late, but we're spent.", says Arnie as they walk. "If we could find a safe place to- Kek! No!"

​

It's too late. Once again compelled by I'jin the former grung runs off down into the final tomb chamber. The floor clanks hollowly as she runs past the locked chest and beyond, stone sarcophagus still oscillating through a rainbow hue of colors. Touch it when it's gold!, I'jin speaks in her mind. I love gold! It's pretty! She does just so... but thankfully nothing occurs. The large engraved symbol on its colorful surface though. Of course. A flail snail.

​

"Hey!", she calls up the stairs. "I think we found Unkh!" The last Trickster God has finally been located! 

​

It's tempting to free the ninth out of nine spirits, but how far to risk it with resources nearly exhausted? As Arnie gives Bertram a lift to disarm the potential trap near the stairs and chest, Kek tries the crocodile key she found in Queen Napaka's jewelry box. No luck. No luck at the old chest, either. The monk sighs as memory comes of a crocodile-headed image of a man on the floor below comes to mind, a secret passage revealed days ago at this point.

​

"GUYS. REALLY!", yells Arnie. "We couldn't save Col and that was when we were feeling better than now. At this rate we'll lose another friend. We've GOT to rest!"

​

The others finally stop and listen. Yeah. The handyman's right. As much as they want to power through and be done with this tomb's horrible traps and riddles, pushing forward now is just recklessness. Back to Mr. Withers' office for another night it is. Nakam helps Arnie in finally moving the piles of rotting severed hands out of the place as the others tidy up. Desk blocking the door once again, it's time to kill time. It's a long while 'til dawn.

​

As Bertram searches for something new to read and Kek consorts with her familiar, Peach and Arnie get Nakam to open up a bit. They hail from a community of changelings who lived alongside non-changelings. Knowing that their natures as shapeshifters often leads them to be viewed as suspicious by outsiders, Nakam's community took on shared identities to leave their neighbors none the wiser. 

​

"I've never met a changeling before!", exclaims Arnie.

​

"Or have you?", replies Nakam, slight smile on his face. "My parents both worked part time as the same person!"

​

Nakam fortuitously took on the identity of some poor adventuring dummy named Biff Longsteel in an effort to travel far and wide. The rest, as they say, is history. Conversation trails into the night. Bertram tells Nakam of the pros and cons of selling one's memory of family to a hag. Kek learns of the centuries-long lifespan of gnomes from Peach and isn't too sure if living so long is a blessing or a curse. Items are traded to better supply Nakam and to fit Kek's new look. Appearance be damned, she attunes to the cursed goat staff once again.

 

The last to go is I'jin. Too long has this finicky rabbit god encouraged her to endanger her friends. Tearing I'jin's horn from her bone mask and throwing it aside, she grabs Kubazan's slimy wrestling belt. Dexterity fades. The little gnome lady's muscles bulge and ripple. OOH YEAH, SISTER! Say goodbye to random and quick Kek! Say hello to brave and buff Kek!

​

Night passes quietly. Clearly some maintenance dwarves are still out there resetting traps but the Handy Hands are left alone. Until the back wall of the office goes black. It flickers with muted light, silent images appearing. A dark elf emissary walks into a barrel-shaped room to get shredded by spikes. A familiar minotaur unwittingly sets off Obo'laka's tomb trap, masked ghouls swarming to dismember the royal guard. And lastly the fierce Lukanu, sweating and paranoid, descends alone into the black of the 6th floor. The wall fades to normal, fading as the silence is broken by the sudden cackle of a hag.

​

It was too quiet. Too relaxing. Arnie knew it. That wasn't a good thing. Rather than pressing them again, the Sewn Sisters have spent their evening killing off all of the remaining allies the Handy Hands had left down here.

​

*         *         *

​

"I'm getting pretty sick of this place.", says Peach over breakfast. "Let's go deal with them hags and end this!"

​

Indeed! But not before breakfast. Pancakes never were Kek's thing before. Too strange to an amphibian's taste buds. To a gnomish mouth though? These are alright! Plans are made. Let's end this damned Death Curse! Maybe a couple pit stops along the way, though. There's still Unkh's tomb to consider, and apparently a small part of the 3rd floor was missed.

​

It was on the way up last evening that they discovered the 3rd floor remnant. Secret staircase door opened, a hulking dragon-headed "entertainment ambassador"... waves? It's the one that Peach saw long ago, the one that activates the barrel room! Kek grumbled about it last night when Arnie closed the door in her face. This morning, though. This thing dies!

​

The gnome leads the charge as the Handy Hands slam into the thing from the staircase, fully unloading after a full night's rest. It hardly stands a chance. 'Dragon' mouth glowing with heat, the creature never gets the opportunity to belch fire over its assailants. Kek's goat staff slams into its neck and severs the stitched seams, smoking mask and hidden undead head tumbling to the floor as the body drops lifelessly.

​

"Hey guys. Another tunnel over here!", points out Arnie. Looks like a short crawl. Bertram and the handyman risk it to find another isolated secret chamber. Long unused, dust coating everything. A conspicuous golden skull resting on a pedestal. Magical. But what is it?

​

"Alright. Hold back.", says Peach after catching up. "I'm gonna touch it and identify." No sooner does she than the skull levitates right off the platform, eye sockets panning the audience. Then its mouth opens.

​

"Hey. HEY!", the skull says. "Any druids in the audience? No? Phew. Good. Druidic circles are POINTLESS! HA HA!" Nakam and Kek listen in on the other end of the tunnel. Bertram, Arnie, and Peach look at each other. "No? Not that one? Okay. So this one time I met a cleric who was cursed and couldn't cast create water. I told him to get WELL soon! HA HA HA HA!"

​

Identify results are in: It's the remains of the Omu's court jester, Yaka. Not only that, but if Peach's spell is reading right it's impervious to harm. She distracts it with a joke of her own long enough for Bertram to sneak up behind and throw the Portable Hole over it, but the skull doesn't take long to wrestle its way out.

​

"Hey! Ever face a beholder? The only thing you have to fear is sphere itself! HA HA HA! Ooh! You hear this one? A gnome and a halfling walk into a bar. That's it. That's the joke. The bar for this joke was set too low. Hah HA!"

​

Great. An invincible annoying flying undead comedian. Just what they needed on their way to stop a world-ending curse.

​

*tick-tick-tick-tick*... Music? The obvious trap triggered in Shagambi's sarcophagus is thankfully just a little music box. Could have been a big deal if the sound-activated terracotta soldiers weren't smashed first! Music box and gems looted amongst the oversized kamadan's remains, Peach delicately uses Bertram's cloak to pick up the mandolin inside. What a beautiful jungle cat-like finish! Clearly it is the item holding Shagambi's soul, but the bard isn't quite ready for a new Trickster God occupant yet. At least that's what Papazotl convinces her of.

​

Runed stepstones teleport all back into the mirror room. Distant screams and howling? Oh, right, Bertram's shadowspawn! Darn thing was summoned on top of a rune during the big fight and promptly vanished. Sounds like its been harassing Biff and Sebastian. Moving towards the central grand staircase, sure enough, on the far side of the four huge gargoyles the wailing creature flails as Biff wards it off.

​

"Biff? You okay down there?", shouts Bertram, calling the shadowspawn to himself.

​

"That thing is yours?", says Biff. "It came out of nowhere!" (Sebastian: "ABOMINATION!") The prettyboy fighter looks freaked out though no worse for wear. Motioned to follow, Biff and the little lizard start their way over, four huge four-armed gargoyles looming over... but something's not right. The gargoyles didn't react to Bertram's summon. But as soon as the humanoid Biff turns his backs to them to start up the stairs, stone grinds on stone. Four large heads turn. 

​

"Hurry!", shouts Arnie.

​

Biff does, but it's too late. The giant gargoyles snap to life and fly from their pedestals in hot pursuit!

​

Arnie detonates a fireball behind the incoming living statues. It's a good distraction... too good. Biff out of reach, all four of the huge gargoyles turn on the Handy Hands! Two beeline for Arnie, eight fists and two toothed jaws slamming and gnashing in at the handyman to nearly pummel him into the floor. If not for death ward, it could have been the end!

​

Unable to reach Arnie the other two turn on nearby Col, the druid turning his head just in time to see a flurry of stone limbs arcing inward. In mere seconds Col collapses in a broken heap, remaining gargoyle limbs smashing into Sekelok. The burly yuan-ti moves over Col to defend as Peach fumbles with her wand (going invisible), Kek flanking around to protect Arnie.

​

"Down the hallway! Behind me! Go!", yells Bertram as he moves to enable a retreat into narrower halls. Hopefully the gargoyles will have a hard time following! Arnie and Biff sprint by, the handyman healing himself best he can before the stone fists and teeth come in again. Kek, Sekelok, and the shadowspawn take the brunt of it, Peach doing her best to help the grung heal up and ward off blows as Bertram runs forward to smite one right off the balcony to the floor below.

​

One fallen but alive, two pounding on Sekelok, and one pressing into the hallway after Arnie. Once again the arms flurry with surprising speed and force, leaving Kek barely holding on (2 hit points!) and Sekelok a bloody but resilient mess.

​

"Oh boy. Here!", calls Biff to Arnie, placing Sebastian on Arnie's shoulder. "You guys got my back. Let me get yours!" The himbo fighter runs from cover to help Arnie, Bertram, and his wailing monster with the gargoyle lunging for the handyman ("COLLABORATION!"). Even though an errant arm smashes the shadowspawn out of existence, the surviving trio greatly damage the thing in return, wings and quadruple arms showing heavy signs of cracking along its stone 'skin'.

​

"Hang on y'all!", shouts Peach, and seconds later, *FOOM*! Her destructive wave washes outward and slams into three out of four huge gargoyles, shattering the one that Bertram had given a mighty smite earlier. One down! Soon after Kek smashes another to bits before running in to aid the hallway crew. Two down!

 

Yet two to go! Eight arms and two fanged jaws remain and don't relent! Bertram and Kek take a beating but are kept up by Arnie. Around the corner Sekelok grunts as fists assail, the yuan-ti falling under the pounding assault to crumple on top of Col. Reactively Peach stabs into the cracks Sekelok began, shattering a third as the final giant gargoyle is shunted out of the hallway by Bertram, a raging Kek leaping off the balcony edge to crunch into their final assailant with her fists.

​

The Tomb of the Nine Gods goes quiet. Dust of shattered stone lingers. Grievously injured, bloodied, and bruised by the unexpected and tough battle, the Handy Hands collect themselves and each other. The head count is off.

​

"Col? Sekelok?", calls Bertram.

​

"Over here...", responds Peach. The weary crew gathers on the balcony. There, lying face up, is the broken ruin of Sekelok. And underneath the yuan-ti, unmoving... is the unbreathing body of their druid companion.

​

Colubrin Eryx - ever stalwart since that fateful shipwreck that landed them in Chult - is dead.

​

*         *         *

​

With the smell of incense and clack of bone chimes the bodies are tended to by Kek. Words aren't for her. Tending to the passing to the next life, this she knows. Words are for those who knew Col best.

​

Bertram starts. For facing something called a Death Curse and fighting their way to a place called the Tomb of Annihilation, it's honestly surprising how little death they've personally experienced until now. In hindsight, though, it hasn't helped. If anything it has made mortal threats more of an abstract concept. Col, though? No one expected the most pragmatic of the Handy Hands to be the next to fall. From their shared dream experience long ago to his loyal reliability in general, Bertram will never forget Col.

​

Peach can't help herself in saying Col was a "grounded" person and perhaps a bit too fond of being under the earth, but it earns laughs. A druid would be one to appreciate gallows humor, they feel, especially one so prone to mimicking burrowing sand snakes. 

​

Earlier on Arnie had to be talked down from a freakout about dying friends, but now close to an hour later the handyman is more even keel. Praises are spoken of Col's calm demeanor and loyal reliability. Gently Arnie touches the druid's shoulder and casts gentle repose before the surviving Handy Hands lay Col and Sekelok into the Portable Hole.

​

"...And once this Death Curse is over, guys, I think I might be strong enough to revive the dead!", states Arnie. "Col will be with us once more! Krenko too! And Orvex... and Sekelok... We'll all be friends forever!" For the first time ever, Arnie's summoned magical talking dog companion looks uncomfortable in its master's presence.

​

"Sekelok too? Y'all know he would have probably betrayed us eventually, right?", says Peach. Bertram and Kek nod sagely. Ras Nsi's right-hand snakeman was a dutiful warrior in his own right, but they always had wondered about his motives. Was Sekelok there purely as support? Were there ulterior reasons? It was always hard to say, and now they may never know.

​

Much needed wound-tending is done. Biff had been quiet since apologizing in the wake of Col's death, even after Bertram forgave him for activating the gargoyles. There's no way they could have known. In gear redistribution Peach connects with Biff, offering 'The Downsizer' - the head-chopping executioner's axe that Sekelok had wielded - to the fighter. Handy Resources needs a new lead, right? 

​

It gets Peach thinking... well, of others. She hadn't been doing much of that lately. Ever since hosting Papazotl it's been Peach this, Peach that. Pure selfishness is just going to lead to more dead friends down here! She eyes the mandolin.

​

The eblis Trickster God's consciousness flares in her mind. Now now. You and I, we make a good team., persuades Papazotl. Don't do it. SOMEone has to lead your companions, yes? Who better than you? And me?

​

"I stand with my friends. Not above them!", says Peach. The instant her fingers connect with the smooth wood of the mandolin's stringed neck her body vibrates, the roars of a jungle cat and shrieks of a giant bird blasting in her head. The cacophony fades, Papazotl's amulet falls to the floor, and where the bird's voice once was a rumbling purr now resides. I am not your enemy, says the warm but forceful female voice. Come! Let us bring justice to those who put us here.

​

(DM: Shagambi, 8th of 9 Trickster Gods to be found, now replaces Papazotl inside of Peach! Her instrument is a powerful tool and her will to defeat opponents is strong, but come at the cost of also adopting the kamadan's unrelenting nature.)

​

"Queen Napaka. We should free her!", says Peach. "Shagambi says she was good to her people!"

​

Rested yet wounded, missing two after a half day full of trials and deadly encounters, the Handy Hands set forth. What harm can come of investigating one little tomb chamber? The secret tomb off to the side of the gruesome throne room is as they had left it. It is said that the archlich Acererak gave Queen Napaka a good death despite murdering her entire kingdom. What awaits within?

​

After finding the old skeletal dragon's manager pin and making a collar for Sebastian ("PROMOTION!"), most stay outside as Peach cautiously investigates. A smiling golden orb representing the sun hangs above the black basalt sarcophagus, a jewelry box in the shape of a large scarab rests on top. I'jin's impulsiveness gets the better of Kek as she comes to assist, the rest recoiling as she grabs the scarab... yet nothing happens. A necklace of reddish-orange beads falls out of it.

​

"Ya. The necklace and the sun. Both magical.", says Bertram as he enters, his eyes glowing gold as they sweep the room. "Evocation school... energy manipulation. Be careful."

​

Carefully the trio grind aside the sarcophagus' lid as Arnie, Biff, and Sebastian watch from a good distance. Inside, dressed in black and wearing a golden hornet mask on the upper half of her face, lies what must be Queen Napaka. Sleeping?

​

"Hello? Are you Napaka?", asks Peach. No response.

​

No. Not sleeping. No chest movements. The elderly Queen Napaka lies dead though perfectly preserved somehow, much like Arnie's gentle repose spell. Her folded hands hold a scepter nearly identical to the one on the bone-and-skin throne. The riddle. 'Find the scepter's twin'. This must be it! With little caution Peach grabs for the prize...

 

...And everything goes off at once.

​

The sun orb's smile fades as it radiates intense heat that scorches Peach, Bertram, and Kek, then the smile turns to an angry frown as arcs of flame fire outward. The bard and warlock manage to duck behind the basalt lid in time but the grung isn't so lucky, getting blasted within an inch of her life for the second time in mere hours. The queen's mouth opens and a swarm of necrotic insects spews forth, a third wave of deadly damage that the trio rush to escape.

​

"Help!", a crispy Kek croaks to Arnie as she crawls out of the room. "Heals. Water. Anything!"

​

The handyman does what he can as Kek douses herself with canteen water, drinks a healing potion, and - without thinking of its source - the skin of magical water they had collected upstairs. It's cool. It's refreshing. It's... changing Kek again?

​

The first time around 'he' became a 'she'. This time it is more dramatic. Rubbery skin turns more mammalian. Her head and torso shift in shape and proportion. Hair starts to sprout. Ear holes turn into two large round ears. Long amphibious feet shrink into things much more humanoid. The former grung looks at herself in horror. 

​

Kek is a gnome.

​

They wish the royal guards and the drow luck. Who knows if they'll have any luck finding an exit that the Handy Hands haven't, but they have little interest in teaming up with Sekelok around. After Bertram passes his Chultan For Dummies book he bought long ago in Port Nyanzaru, Tlad the drow, Lukanu, and Zaal head into the dark.

​

"So, ah, so I can hang with you guys? Right?", asks Biff Longsteel. "I promise not to get in the way!"

​

Strange. Bertram sensed something magically a bit 'glowy' with Biff when he first was freed from the Mirror of Life Trapping, but he seems normal now. Maybe it's his skin cream, suggests Biff. Or hair product? Or various other beautifying supplies? Hmm. No glow there. Col confirms - nothing toxic as well. Well, no harm in another pair of willing hands. Let's go, Biff!

​

"Ooh! I got this guys!", announces Arnie. A long dark passage ends in a stone slab carved with a hooded figure holding up their left hand. "HIGH FIVE!" The handyman slaps the carved hand... nothing. Nice try though.

​

"I think... Let me try this.", says Bertram. Standing in front of the slab he raises his left hand, and with a grind of stone on stone immediately following, the slab lowers into the floor. Strangely obvious!

​

It's less than obvious on the inside. Familiar relief carvings adorn a splitting hall beyond, rays of light arcing from a black star to disintegrate a fleeing populace. Careful scouting by a stealthy Bertram and invisible Arnie find the passageways wrap around into a simple maze-like configuration, and another open exit to the north. In a central open space, a spiked golden crown inset with a large glittering black opal rests on a marble pedestal. No way, thinks Bertram. That's bait.

​

Firmly warned not to touch ANYTHING, the rest enter. The crown is ominous but what Kek finds on a far wall even more so: another stone façade of a screaming green devil, but this one's mouth is an empty black void. A softly whispering void, at that. Peach's mage hand goes in an doesn't come out. A stone tossed in is never heard nor seen again. The whispers sound nefarious yet defy translation.

​

"'Darkness is coming. Doom is at hand.'", says Sekelok. The others turn in surprise. "The yuan-ti language is similar. It is based on Abyssal. The mouth is repeating those phrases."

​

"Stand back. I'd like to try something!", says Peach.

 

Just having to know what happens, Peach warns the others to back away. The Wand of Wonder comes out. A vomit-inducing green gas explodes over the area, the bard's nose and eyes running as the reek of skunk and sulfur overtakes her. Col's wind wall contains the stench and eventually it fades, but at least a scientific data point is gathered: a random stinking cloud does nothing to the whispering black void.

​

Darkness and doom? A crown that is clearly trap bait? No thank you! Thinking better of continuing to mess around, the Handy Hands turn north down the second exit, stairs descending slightly. Invisible Arnie with his glowing wrench that comically reveals his location, rounding a corner into a wider passage when:

​

"RECOLLECTION!", says a voice at the corner.

​

"Sebastian!", shouts Biff, running up. "You're alive!" It seems Biff isn't the only surviving member of the Company of the Yellow Banner! Well, in a broader-than-humanoid sense. It's Sebastian, the talking chameleon-like lizard that the deceased cleric Bravus used to carry around! "He's actually kind of smart.", Biff continues. "Just has a funny way of speaking."

​

An intelligent lizard companion of limited vocabulary. Sure. Add them to the companion list. Why not? 

​

Sebastian was sitting inside of another screaming devil mouth, though this one is seemingly normal by Arnie's inspections. The hallway, however, is another exercise in creepy murals. Faceless humanoids on the walls double over in pain, grasping their heads and ears. Encouraged by Sebastian ("INVESTIGATION!"), Col finds a lone button hidden in one figure's mouth.

​

"Plug your ears, gang.", warns the druid. "It may get loud in here."

​

Many ears plugged and one button pushed later, a secret panel opens in the wall raises and a wave of heat blasts outward from a cramped cell. Relief carvings depict volcanoes erupting and cities ablaze, tiny holes dot the floor and ceiling, and a blackened skeleton hangs half-embedded in the opposite wall. A skeleton holding a sconce with a burning crimson candle.

​

Huh. No other doors except for the one just opened, it seems. The grand central staircase with its four huge looming gargoyles lies to the left, and the foreboding maze-like chamber lies behind them. Curiously, the tiny room themed of hot death seems the least threatening way to go. Except for the fact that magic doesn't seem to work in there.

​

"An anti-magic field!", says Peach, watching her mage hand repeatedly dispel upon entry. Arnie recites this floor's plaque to the others - 'Death to fire, dine or drown, precious air, and falling sand'. Death to fire. How do they 'kill fire', especially without magic?

​

"My turn.", speaks up Kek. Stripping of nearly all gear, leaving familiar and skeletal songbird behind, she heads in alone.

​

The grung approaches the candle, and *WHAM*! The secret wall slams back down, trapping Kek in the small cell with just the crimson candle providing dim light. Until the molten rock starts to fall. Deftly she dodges the first few blobs of magma before the intensity increases. Can't outlast this. Need to get out! 'Death to fire'... extinguish the candle! Kek blows out the candle's wick, and with a sudden rush of teleportation finds herself in utter blackness. And a total lack of air.

 

The secret door opens. Magma cools. A candle magically reignites. But where's Kek? Unbeknownst to them the grung is in a sealed chamber nearby, doing her best to meditate and hold her breath until help arrives. With little time to debate, Col, Peach, and Bertram all step inside the magma chamber to search for Kek. The door slams shut again. The ceiling glows red with a pending rain of molten rock, but wasting no time, Peach wets her fingers and snuffs out the candle.

​

The door opens again. Arnie's friends are all gone! "Biff?", he calls. The fighter, holding Sebastian, shakes his head in fear ("HESITATION!"). "Sekelok? Let's go!" The pair rush in, blowing out the candle as soon as they can.

​

Water rapidly floods around Col, Peach, and Bertram's feet, a mermaid skeleton holding a candle alighting what will soon be a watery tomb, snails and oysters clinging to the damp walls. 'Dine or drown'! The druid plucks a snail and sucks it down, vanishing from sight. Moments later the bard and historian follow suit, slamming oyster shooters as fast as they can...

 

...To find themselves in a very cramped pitch black, airless, and silent chamber with Kek, Arnie, and Sekelok! Without light Kek and Arnie can only blindly feel around, but those with darkvision can make out an aarakocra skeleton half-embedded in the wall holding an unlit candle. But without air, Peach can't get the candle lit. Damn!

​

'Precious Air'... There has to be air here somewhere! Thinking quick the bard smashes the dagger-like Eye of Zaltec into the bird-like bones, cracking one... and air hisses out. There! Inside the hollow bones! Sekelok rips one from the wall, cracks it under his nostrils, and vanishes. That's it! Working quickly, Bertram and Peach hand out bones to their sightless friends.

 

Meanwhile, murals of sandstorms destroying cities surround Col in yet another small cell. Then - of course - sand starts to fall. An immense grinding noise is heard below, prompting the druid to shift into small sand boa form and wrap around the medusa skeleton holding this room's candle. 'Falling sand' isn't much of a clue. There has to be a way out! There. The mural in which the medusa is embedded. The obsidian necklace is a button! Not wanting to find out what is making the crushing sounds below, the sand boa pushes his head into the button. The wall opens in spring-loaded fashion, shunting Col out. Unceremonious. But safe. 

​

In contrast to the slowing rumble behind the wall, this new room is still and quiet despite its large size. And it's far from empty. Forty-eight terracotta warriors kneel towards the chamber's center where a stone sarcophagus lies, carved with a familiar image of a large jungle cat with a mane of serpents.

​

Shagambi. This must be Shagambi's tomb.

​

One by one the Handy Hands warp in on runes at the ends of the cross-shaped chamber, thankfully free of their respective elemental death trap cells. Arnie's daylight illuminates the chamber for all, but upon uttering the spoken component of his spell, pottery grinds on pottery as 48 terracotta heads turn in his direction.

​

Uh oh. Right. The riddle. 'The army sleeps in silence'. They'll have to figure out how to do this quietly! Kek motions to Peach and Arnie nearby. Maybe she can silently make it to the sarcophagus? They nod back. Movement near the central tomb is unexpected, however, as a skeletal figure rises up. A skeleton with a weird geometric head. Another one of these guys!

 

The skeleton looks at Arnie, noting the terracotta warriors' movement. It turns the other way, cocking its skull at Bertram before picking up a pottery shard. With a toss the shard clatters at Bertram's feet and the entire army of clay soldiers pivots their necks towards the sound.

​

"Why you little...", whispers Bertram. He picks up a shard himself, chucking it back at the skeleton, all terracotta heads turning a third time. The animated bones grab two pieces of broken debris to retribute and it's nearly a full-on pottery war, but fully distracted the skeleton didn't see the threat creeping up. Kek grabs and twists its weird geometric skull with all of her might, nearly yanking the head right off... but not quite the planned insta-kill assassination.

​

The skeleton gives an "ACK!" of surprise, and the room bursts to life with a raging terracotta army! FIGHT!

​

"I've got your back, Kek!", shouts Peach as she casts her Wand of Wonder at the clay warrior nearest the grung... and doubles it in size to rival the bulk of an ogre.

​

"Do you though?!", Kek responds, looking up at the giant soldier and seeing an inexplicable swarm of ice building above. An upranked ice storm commanded by Col tears across the room hitting nearly every terracotta warrior at once. 44 of 48 of them are immediately cracked, with many showing hefty damage, as the collective mood quickly shifts from daunted to optimistic. (DM: It was darn near 800 damage done with a single spell. Wild!)

​

Following suit Arnie starts up the Pottery Shredder with blade barrier and nearly a third of the army drops to the one-two AoE punch, Kek quickly finishing off the skeleton and giant clay warrior while Sekelok defends Bertram's back. The warlock gets in on the big spell action by summoning one of his nastiest Shadowfell nightmares on top of one of the runes around the room... and it instantly teleports elsewhere.

​

Welp. At least we know what the runes do now.

​

The terracotta soldiers converge on their targets but their attacks are a mere pittance to what had been dealt to them. A shatter from Peach. Pottery-smashing swings from Kek, Bertram, Col, and Sekelok. Arcing flames from Arnie. In even less time than it took to down the bone dragon that was this floor's Manager, Shagambi's tomb returns to quiet under the dust of shattered ceramics. 48 stood. Now 48 lay shattered. A sarcophagus awaits.

​

To the Hells with safety precautions. Lid easily moved aside by the Handy Hands, treasures await within. Not the least which makes Peach's eyes go wide. A finely crafted mandolin beautifully finished with the patterns of a jungle cat. At long last, days after her precious Lantanese geetar was destroyed... Bard treasure!

​

Ghoul rush! Think quick! Peach blankets the area with faerie fire a moment before the ravenous dead slam into the leading trio of Arnie, Bertram, and Sekelok. None thankfully succumbing to their paralytic claws, and it's looking like an easy turnaround. Until Kek assaults a blind painter with it's own paint.

​

The dirt-like lower tier of the throne room surges as a large clawed skeletal hand rips up from the substrate. Manos? No! The bones keep coming! Another clawed hand. Arm bones. Massive bone wings spread like elongated fingers. A huge skull emerges underneath, hissing at the shocked living as its bulk fills the chamber, bronze pin glinting on its ribcage.

​

The Manager of the 4th floor is a huge animated dragon skeleton! Get ready!

​

A blast of necrotic energy is "breathed" towards the exit, Sekelok taking the brunt as others duck out of the way. The yuan-ti looks a bit rough already, and it looks like this Manager can reanimate skeletons, too! But the Handy Hands, fully rested? Primed and charged with anti-undead spells, holy energy, and the fury of the heavens as they are? Queue the soundtrack!

​

Like a divine nuke, a ruinous wave of Destroy Undead pulses from Arnie and all six ghouls explode like Sarah Connor's worst dream before the handyman ducks to safety. Col's erupts with the blinding power of a star, sunbeam tearing through the bone dragon and nuking two of its employees. Bertram dives for the dragon, missing yet landing to viciously crit a smite, detonating in his own radiant aasimar fury as Kek reconstitutes herself to fully unleash on the dragon's face.

​

The dragon bucks and swipes with its lashing tail and long neck but there's little luck in subduing Col, Bertram, and Kek. Sekelok joins the melee menagerie just before a mighty beat of its half-deteriorated wings knock a couple prone, but a well-placed flash of healing golden light from Arnie's mass cure wounds emboldens the crew. This poor middle management bastard doesn't stand a chance. Frustrated by a strong spell resisted earlier, Peach jumps down to get into the big blast fun.

​

"I'd like to speak to your mana- oh. Wait.", she quips, nearly out of Karen-isms by this point. In a supernova of destructive wave the skeleton dragon blows apart across the chamber in a hail of dirt and giant bone fragments.

​

Dust settles.

 

Kek looks around, all of her allies glowing with the power of gods, suns, and rock n' roll. "That was incredible! All I've got like that is this...", she says, holding up the warm glow of her own ki-fueled Hand of Healing.

 

And healing time it is. As others tend to their wounds Col surveys the scenery. His solar blast dislodged one of the hornet-masked guards where a crack of a secret door is seen beyond. Another blast clears the way and a strange little room is found beyond. Not grim and gruesome at all. It's beautiful, if anything. Tiled murals of Omu in its prime decorate the walls, vibrant cityscapes with men and women going about their lives. A pristine blue sky is tiled on the ceiling where a golden orb symbolizing the sun hangs on a chain, smiling face inscribed on its surface. And there, central to all, a smoothly polished black basalt sarcophagus.

​

"Col? Kek? We're leaving!", calls Arnie. Good idea, Col thinks. Not the time to mess with this. The original goal of orienting themselves to the Tomb's central grand staircase should remain priority.

​

A small passage juts off to the left and an I'jin-compelled Kek wanders off. A rusty treasure chest at the bottom of some stairs? It reeks of 'TRAP'. A suspicious ceiling hatch nearby feels just as shady and warns to turn around, but an odd glow ahead is compelling. Under a large wall-mounted maze another stone sarcophagus lies, its surface slowly shifting through a rainbow of colors. It's amazing but... no. Arnie calls again. Shrugging off I'jin's thoughts, the grung monk wanders back.

​

After days in the Tomb finally the bottom of the main staircase is reached. And, of course, a final plaque is found. The riddles confound, though at least they're fairly certain the "iron scepter" line is about the creepy throne room. 

​

What is intriguing yet somewhat disconcerting are the four large four-armed gargoyle statues at the stairway's base. Seen up close they're not only bigger than imagined, yet curious in mount. Each one stands upon a large stone cylinder with a coin sized slot in its side, and each cylinder topped with a different layer of metal: copper, silver, gold, and platinum. What's the riddle here? The plaque doesn't mention them. Hmm. Best not risk it at the moment. Down the south passage for now.

​

A T-junction is long and dark to the left, but to the right... a reflection? A large mounted mirror glowing with a soft blue light hangs seemingly alone in a mid-sized dusty chamber of no decoration.

 

Coin slot games and what, a funhouse mirror? Neat. Add them to the Worst Theme Park list.

​

"'The mirror holds twelve.'", recites Arnie from the plaque. "Twelve what? I'm not getting close! It's dark in there!"

​

"I'll do it.", speaks up Bertram. "Don't worry. I'll keep my distance."

​

He rounds the corner, steps forward, but doesn't even make it into the room. Within a fraction of a second the historian is utterly gone, the chwinga living in his beard looking confused and alone in the hallway outside the mirror's room.

​

"Bertram?", calls Col. No response. "Hello?" Nothing.

​

Kek volunteers, but not without protection! The grung shaman wanders forward blindfolded and... nothing. Just a dusty old room. Fumbling around she eventually finds the mirror, but it's solid and uninteresting to the touch.

​

Meanwhile in Parts Unknown, a certain historian sits in a black void. Huh. One second walking down a hall, the next sitting here in nothingness. His magic works. Sort of. Not much of anything to interact with in here, though. Sounds of massive footfalls and glow of light come from behind. Bertram turns nervously to see... An absolutely MASSIVE Kek! Wait. No. Kek's normal. He's tiny! He's inside of the mirror looking outward!

​

It's Peach who identifies this strange decoration. A Mirror of Life Trapping! Up to twelve individuals may be trapped within. Looks like at least a few are here already according to Arnie's own mirror that tells of an object's history - a blonde fighter, a troll, an Omuan royal guard, a minotaur. And Bertram of course. Saying Bertram's name next to the mirror makes a tiny little historian visible inside, but nothing seems to phase his trapped situation from this side or within.

 

It gets Arnie's mind spinning when Peach mentions 'command words'. Mr. Withers' spellbook. It had some stuff jotted inside its back cover! What were those words again?

 

"KHOMARA!", Arnie shouts. The mirror's dull blue glow fades away. Ah hah! It works! Now what? "Bertram! BLACKFIRE!"

 

Just as rapid as the warlock vanished he reappears right next to the mirror, looking no worse for wear. The chwinga bounces on Arnie's fur hat in excitement, jumping down to scurry right back into its facial hair home.

 

"I saw a lot of folks in this mirror's history when I learned about it", says Peach. "Do we risk letting more out? I think one was Biff, one of them Yellow Banner guys!" 

​

Sure. Why not! Maybe not the troll that she saw, though. Name called, BLACKFIRE shouted, and perhaps just as panicked as he likely was when sucked into the mirror, the sole survivor of the Company of the Yellow Banner appears. Big. Dumb. Actually kind of attractive looking if you're into big strapping himbos.

​

"Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa-hey! It's YOU guys! From the city! And the jungle!", realizes Biff Longsteel. Last he knew he was on the run from one of the entertainment ambassadors. News is broken about the rest of the Company of the Yellow Banner. He nods, not entirely surprised. "Think I can come with you out of here? I won't get in the way, I promise! Wait... it's YOU!"

​

The dim-witted fighter points at Sekelok. Seems the yuan-ti were responsible for the Yellow Banner crew getting thrown down here unprepared! Dastardly move, but Sekelok has been loyal to the Handy Hands, and Ras Nsi seemed honorable in an odd way. The gang consider the social dilemma as an excited Peach thinks of the royal guard that she saw. BLACKFIRE!

​

With a soft *woosh* another figure appears, resembling the hornet-helmed statues in the gruesome throne room though flesh and blood. She shouts in old Chultan, takes attack position, and Bertram is barely able to cast tongues and defuse the situation in time to talk her down. Distrustful though on edge, she listens. Until she sees Sekelok too and raises her ykwla.

​

Great. TWO anti-snake people! Given their history with yuan-ti the Handy Hands can't fault them, but it is an awkward alliance to explain. Once her fellow guard - the minotaur - is released, tensions ease.

 

Exposition time.

​

They are Lukanu and Zaal, royal guards to Omu's leader, Queen Napaka. So far as they last knew Omu was just conquered by Acererak, and it's a hard come-around as Bertram explains that their beloved city has been in ruins for over a century. In turn they gain some insight into Omu's final moments and the destruction brought by the archlich. It makes Peach wonder. Who else from that time may be stuck in this mirror? Cell 1: BLACKFIRE!

​

"Hello! Fish! Salted fish! ...Oh!" A lanky older Chultan man appears with a long pole over his shoulders draped with a myriad of fishy treats. The poor fishmonger is utterly confused, his last memory being seeing two ghouls moving a weird mirror through Omu to the Tomb's entrance, but Bertram, Lukanu, and Zaal help catch him up to speed.

​

"Well then! Bad luck. At least I still have my job!", he says. "Fish! Salted fish!" Arnie motions wildly and awkwardly as one would in Clueless Tourist fashion. Locally sourced fish? Yes please! Fish for all!

 

Salted snacks are handed out for all interested, pancakes handed back to the merchant and shared around, and its a strange jovial food party held in front of an enchanted mirror deep in a death trap dungeon. Say what you want, but maybe a bit of normalcy is needed now and then. The fish vendor has some opinions about Arnie, thinking the handyman is a simpleton of sorts, but it's all good vibes for the moment.

​

Until Peach opens the next cell. Cell 2: BLACKFIRE!

​

Another rush of air yet nothing appears... until unseen claws rip into the fishmonger's chest and he drops dead. Feet are heard pattering away, Peach catching a glimpse of some invisible villain in her disrobed Robe of Eyes as it flees.

 

Poor fish-selling bastard. Over 100 years trapped in a mirror, just to make it out and get murdered minutes later!

​

Cells cautiously observed before anything else is released, eventually Peach cycles through all twelve. A ravenous troll, a giant gargoyle... nope! There is a stirge, though. An unimpressive bloodsucker, yet Col was looking for some tiny thing to cast animal messenger on. This'll do. Stirge released, the druid sends it away with a message to Ras Nsi: If possible, backup needed. There's a lot of evil going on in the lowest reaches!

 

There's also a dark elf hanging out in meditation. Perhaps them, too? They speak Common well enough. Tlad Xolbrys, as he's called, apparently picked just about the worst time to visit Omu as an Underdark emissary. He's not  too keen of the whole 'deadly dungeon' situation, but it looks like he'll have to deal with it.

​

Mirror cleared as much as they want it to be, the Tomb of the Nine Gods is suddenly alive with a few more living than there was not long ago. Biff may perhaps tag along. Zaal and Lukanu go their own way however, unwilling to ally themselves with a yuan-ti, taking the drow with them. They part ways with a revelation:

​

Acererak did not honor Queen Napaka's plea to spare her people. He did honor her courage, however. She would be the last to die, the lich promised, and she would forever rest surrounded by her city... with a blue sky and shining sun above.

​

Col looks on at his companions all mounted on the gilded mastodon. Each look at each other in turn, not quite sure how to break the silence. Having a famous ghost appear and hand over a historical artifact is just a secondary shocker to losing Eku, the couatl in disguise selling her soul to the Nine Hells to spare the lives of the Handy Hands.

​

"She really was the best of us.", says Peach.

​

"Those orphans back in Port Nyanzaru. We'll need to help them out just like she did!", says Arnie.

​

It takes Bertram a few hits with a hammer to remember that the floor and walls of this tomb complex are magically warded. They'd love to build a marker in Eku's memory but between the dust, ash, and unbreaking stone, they'll have to find another way. Not eager to hold on to a legendary item when her deal with the hag Granny Gristlegums still stands, Kek passes the Skull Chalice of Ch'gakare to Arnie. It's highly magical, indeed, but what to do with it?

 

"Cocktails from a hero's goblet!", exclaims Arnie. "Bertram! Do you think Wakanga could fit cocktail supplies through the Living Pouch?" The historian ponders. May as well try! 'Please send rum, bitters, ice, little umbrellas...'

​

"Don't forget the mixers!", adds Peach. '...and mixers.' There we go!

​

"What about this?", asks Kek. The others look at the goat-grung is holding a large flake of gilded gold that has fallen off Ghom the mastodon's leg. The sheer amount of gold here, plus the gems inlaid on Ghom's tusks... this would be worth a fortune if disassembled! Is that sacrilege, though? Would they be haunted by the ghost of Ch'gakare? They'll consider it. For now, though, it seems best to leave the gold-covered mastodon mummy alone.

​

With most barely standing, an extended rest is desperately needed. For better or worse they're isolated in a closed-off section of the fifth floor due to rotating cog position. Not too cozy. Defensible, at least. Three of the five wardrobes in the third cog are smashed to bits for firewood to ward off the permeating chill in the air, a fourth used as a door blockade, and the final Hell wardrobe (and possible Hell portal?) turned on its back to make an impromptu table.

 

With some larger sections of scrap wood Peach gets to work making a shrine of sorts. After some engraving it's done: Impressionist as it may be, there's no mistaking the warm smile and feathered hair of Eku. An "Etsy" shrine, as Peach puts it, whatever that means.

 

Each take their turn paying respect. Kek silently performs the funeral rites of her people the Handy Hands say their eulogies one by one. And one by one blood is shed - rubbed on the shrine, oaths sworn. They don't know what it will take to defeat this Soulmonger and the Death Curse it brings but they do know this: They'll be seeing Eku again. A person that pure... they can't abandon her to a tortuous fate. Come Nine Hells or highwater, they'll find a way. If other entities can jump between planes of existence, surely they can find a way there somehow, right?

​

It's settled. After Chult and the flow of souls of their world are set right, the Handy Hands go to Hell. (DM: Oh boy! Who knows what THAT will look like. But it sounds like high level Handy Hands are going to be wild times!)

​

That may be far in the future, however. For now, Peach's dome goes up and finally wounded bodies rest. Bertram's watch is nicely uneventful with just the clank of machinery echoing across the underground lake. Col's as well, overhearing the happy hum of the friendly version of Larry the aboleth. It's strangely welcome, and it's a peaceful night.

​

Until Arnie hears singing. That song... he remembers it from childhood. And that voice! Is that... no! Is that his mother?

​

"Peach! Wake up! I think my mother is down here!" The eladrin bard breaks her meditation to hear a woman calling Arnie from back down where the mastodon is. "Maybe we should go see if its really her?"

​

"Don't do it, Arnie! It's gotta be a trick!", says Peach. The voice of Arnie's mom stops and soon a distant figure emerges far down the hall, their campfire light outlining a tall well-dressed older human.

​

"Boy!", the man sternly calls. "Come when your mother calls, Boy!" Arnie balks. Dad?! It can't be! There's enough longing for Arnie to consider visiting his beloved mother. But his father? That cold void of a man who has never once has shown his son a speck of kindness? "Come before you make me hit her again!"

​

What?! His father was never loving man, but never THAT either!

​

"WHOA okay. That's neither your Mom or Dad, Arnie.", says Peach. Manifested fears and nightmares. It has to be the Sewn Sisters! They pull their heads back inside the magical dome where a cacophony of dog, bird, and serpent sound in chorus as a third unwelcome entity phases in directly behind them, writhing burlap sack on shoulders. The third hag! A purple-skinned hand sickeningly caresses Peach right before the bard reacts with a motion of her own... and the witch is suddenly a newt.

​

Put it in the Hell wardrobe! No sooner does Peach do so than "Dad" starts yelling from afar and "Mom" phases through the floor right next to them. Smiling far wider than humanly possible, the now-obvious hag phases her arm into the wardrobe to grab the newt, cackling as she passes back through the floor cackling.

 

Damn! Gone again!

​

"This is getting bad.", states Bertram. Everyone agrees. Every night the Sewn Sisters press them further and further. To what end? And how the heck did they know so much about Arnie's past? What else do they know?

​

Questions to ponder. Once Kek helps clear Peach of a building infection the hag induced, exhaustion sets in, and all rest out the remainder of the night.

​

*         *         *

​

"Arnie! YOU'VE GOT TO HELP! Please tell me you prepared that spell!", says Kek. She holds up her hands in a panic. Fused fingers like those on Devin's corpse! Her feet are even more shocking: Hooves! Cloven hooves in place of froggy feet!

​

"That's, hmm. Yes. That's a look.", says Arnie. Part humanoid frog. Part goat. It might be an endearing look for someone else. But for an amphibian, it's downright horrifying. After a traditional summoned pancake breakfast the handyman gets to work. In a molt of hair and hooves, a perfectly 'normal' black-and-white grung shaman stands before them once again.

​

Bad news from Dr. Arnie regarding the Staff of Striking, though. It's unfortunately cursed by its very nature. Whomever wields it shall become a goat-person! No stranger to body horror, Col considers it, but no. Into the Portable Hole the staff goes, and once again Kubazan's femur comes out as a big bonky replacement.

​

Other items pass hands. Sekelok attunes to "The Downsizer", as they've taken to calling the beheading axe. The Skull Chalice of Ch'gakare has useful protective abilities and also fits very nicely in Arnie's drinking hand. The Eye of Zaltec is revealed to be a sacrificial dagger of sorts, and not necessarily one with a pleasant history or positive vibe. It's a +3 dagger, though, and with the morally suspicious ability to take and even give life, who are Peach and Papazotl to say no?

​

"These hags need to be dealt with, but we're going to need all the help we can get.", says Col. "We should go back up to the 4th floor".

 

The rest agree. Their respective Trickster God passenger spirits all resound in support. Two more Trickster Gods to locate, and with any luck some even more powerful boons and items. Upwards it is! 

​

"Those riddling plaques have been helpful. Maybe we should find the one for this level?", suggests Peach. Mr. Withers' secret stairs taken, they're not exactly by the grand staircase where the other plaques have been found, but maybe there's a way over from wherever this secret door leads. A stealthy open by Bertram, and the room beyond is less than welcoming.

​

A gruesome throne of bone and flesh overlooks a large room surrounded by hornet-headed statues of warriors, where three shambling figures paint murals on the walls of the central recessed floor. Peach crawls ahead.

 

Stitched eyes and mouths, reeking of undeath, the "artists" have apparently been at work for a long while. Mural upon mural they paint scenes of deaths and close calls... hey. They know these scenes! One shows Arnie nearly getting killed by an 'entertainment ambassador'. Another shows Orvex's lone hand extending out from under the block that squished him. Another, and another. The current work is sadly that of a fallen angel smiling as Eku sacrifices her soul.

​

Hmm. Grim portents lacking, at least. No unknown scenes of horror. The room is still ominous, however. Piecing together knowledge of Omu and memories of their hosted Trickster Gods, the room is found to be a mockery of the throne room in Omu's royal palace. The hornet-man statues are depictions of royal guards. The throne is topped with the skull of Karagos, the former minotaur Captain of the Guard. The bones littering the room are likely those of royal servants. Once Bertram sees intense magic radiating from the throne and the iron scepter upon it, the Handy Hands think better of disturbing much of their present scenery.

​

As Col sniffs around in rat form and Kek walks around the (apparently oblivious) undead artists like a macabre art aficionado, Arnie eyes the large stone door that marks an exit. Looks like it goes towards the grand staircase. It may connect rooms, and even give them access to that missing plaque! Bertram tries to help the handyman lift, but it's a heavy one.

​

"Sekelok!", they call. "Give us a hand here!"

​

The big yuan-ti comes to assist, maybe showing a hint of contempt towards the two skinny humans. 'Assist' he does, though, failing actually quite horribly as Arnie uses his handy knowledge of leverage and Bertram calculates mechanical properties at lightspeed in his massive brain to grind the solid stone door upward into the ceiling. *Click*. It locks in place.

​

And that's when the two trap doors to the left and right drop into the floor, and ravenous screeching undead rush out.

​

With a hiss of depressurization and rolling fog the large sphere opens... and like an extraterrestrial visitor, Bertram emerges. Mile-per-second calculations whirr in his newly giant brain (and skull) as he stares at the large green fiend.

​

"This is illogical.", he states.

​

Head flopping sideways on his skinny neck, Bertram's summons forth Agamaya to cut deep into that which emerged from the device's moon sphere. It turns in ire. Glinting executioner's axe, headless relief sculptures abound, this thing means business! Arnie inflicts wounds as he gets out of the way but the fiend's axe brutally chops down on his neck as he runs. Visions of his head leaving his shoulders fill Arnie's mind... but no, not today! The blade cuts grievously deep, but the handyman's paranoid daily usage of death ward pays off massively! (DM: OH MY GOD. If not for death ward, Arnie would have lost his head! Players melt around the table once they realize the handyman negated a grim fate, this DM included.)

​

This headsman is nasty! Take it down quick! Arnie desperately heals himself as Kek moves to defend and unloads with her Staff of Striking. Col emerges from the duct to unfortunately find the fiend immune to acid, Peach similarly finding that it has high spell resistance. Big Brain Bertram doesn't hold back. He unloads an impressive eldritch smite to knock the green beast down, allowing Kek and Col to strike again as it flails wildly with its axe, catching Bertram and Kek with the deadly blade.

​

"I will sing you the song of my people!", shouts Peach before she does just that. The large fiend laying next to the brass contraption starts to... do the worm? Otto's irresistible dance. Can't resist that, Green Boy!

​

It stands to futilely swing as it continues to dance yet only succeeds in hooking its axe on one of the armillary sphere's concentric rings. The end comes quick. A Bertram swing, an Arnie bolt, and a flurry of Kek blows later the fiend falls, its own axe dislodging from the ring to fall into its own chest.

​

"Bertram!", says Arnie, inspecting the now-busted sphere machine while holding his injured neck. "I need a big head like that too, for stopping axes. We need to fix this thing!"

​

"I.. don't think that's how it works Arnie", responds Bertram. "In fact I think I'm just a more appealing target for a head-taker now." His head lolls from shoulder to shoulder. "Um. A little help here?"

​

Kek gets to work crafting a bone and leather neck support for Bertram (Jon: "I roll to craft a Hot Topic neck brace.") as a bit of healing goes around, then its time to assess the situation. They're pretty spent from the day's events so far, but best they can figure it's only mid-afternoon at the latest. Peach identifies the fiend's weapon as a +1 greataxe that decapitates on a critical hit. Impressive! A bit unwieldy for a bard though. She more than happily hands it to Sekelok. Promotion to H.R.! The perfect weapon for when you need to make cutbacks!

​

Meanwhile Arnie and Col explore the Control Room. Indeed there's more slime to avoid, and with some teamwork they're finally able to dislodge the star-handled lever they need to activate the golden mastodon on the far side of this level without causing another slime-based mind control disaster. Now what?

​

"We might find something useful up above before we go down", Col says, noting the unexplored 4th floor. Collectively the Trickster God spirits agree, echoing the sentiment in their respective hosts' heads. Kubazan and Unkh are still unaccounted for, and surely more boons are to be found as well! The gang are in agreement... but this star lever's usage is tempting. Very tempting. Seems like the last major thing to do on the 5th floor. Might as well, right?

​

Col staying behind to shift cogs from the Control Room and make an easier return path, the rest eventually find themselves back in the exhibit-like room of the gilded mastodon mummy. What are you, Ghom? What will happen here? Memories of fairgrounds from Bertram's and Arnie's youths piece it together - with the handle in place, it wouldn't look too different from an animal-shaped carousel mount! There's images of devils abound... do they risk it? A Hell-themed circus ride? Why not!

​

"Peach! Mount me from behind! Let's ride!", says Arnie. Questionable innuendo aside, all hop on, most on the mastodon's back with Kek and Bertram each straddling a tusk. Let's do this!

 

The star handle is placed in the slot on the mastodon's neck, the gear pedestal grinds to life, and Ghom starts to rotate. A huge stone block drops to seal the exit, the floor heats up to glow red hot, and by the time a full rotation is made flames shoot halfway up the mastodon's height. The walls erupt to life with hellish scenes, small flying devils pouring forth from the frescoes with aggressive intent. Go, Ghom, run through the Hells as you once did in life!

​

Kek quickly leaps off to easily slay one but finds the floor is as hot as it looks, burning before she can jump back to a tusk. Another falls to Peach and another to Bertram as Eku blesses the party, Sekelok awaiting foes with his new axe. He doesn't have to wait long as another rotation is made, spear-wielding shock troops with tentacle beards rushing from the walls.

​

Devils, Col! The druid hears Eku in his mind. Many devils! We may need help! Dang! This far away, what can he do? A squadron of flying snakes are summoned to rapidly clear the distance, but will they make it in time?

​

Bearded devils stab up at Arnie and Sekelok before Peach explodes her last destructive wave, annihilating all fiends save for one of the shock troopers. Yet Ghom continues to spin and soon another wave of Hell is upon them.

​

Four spike-covered devils wreak havoc, two tossing flames while the others jump on the mastodon. Bertram's awaiting blade slices one before fire and spike attacks assail the group as they try to hold tight. Flames force Eku out of her human disguise, with even the celestial couatl starting to show injury. A faerie fire from Peach is unfortunately less effective than the lightning bolt that she had fried a devil with moments before, and the mastodon concerningly continues to spin near another full rotation.

​

Col! They keep coming!, relays Eku. Having reached the stone block, Col's snakes are stuck. The Control Room is sadly no help at this moment. Shapeshifting, the druid speeds over the underground lake in hopes of making it in time.

​

The roar is heard first. A mighty devil wielding a long spiked chain stomps out to take a flying frog foot to the face, Kek leaping back to safety before the fiend flaps its large wings to pursue. The giant devil knocks Kek unconscious just moments after Sekelok had fallen to the flame tossers, the rest missing many hits against the forces of Hell as the odds uncomfortably shift against the Handy Hands. Peach's spells are continually resisted, and despite Bertram's solid hits these things aren't going down easily! Moments after Eku revives Kek with her final remaining heal, the mastodon finishes another rotation and the flames part once again. Feathered black wings spread as a fallen angel steps forward.

​

"A soul...", she croons, slight smile on her face. "A soul... and this ends."

​

Never! With new resolve the Handy Hands deflect incoming blows. They've come so far. They'll not accept defeat now, so close to their goal... and especially not during a crazy merry-go-round ride! Kek stands and heals a wounded Bertram right before the fallen angel's poisoned blade brings him within an inch of his life, Arnie struggling nearby to fend off the single tenacious bearded devil still prodding at him.

 

When Peach's attempts at crowd control are once again resisted, it starts to sit in. This is bad. Kek and Bertram are barely standing. Sekelok lies unconscious. Arnie and Peach have next to nothing left. Col can do nothing but fly as fast as he can towards a stone block. Even Eku has fully tapped her holy magic. 

​

Protect each other!, their jungle guide shouts telepathically. In a rush of rainbow feathers Eku flies forward, wrapping herself around the fallen angel to yank it back into the flames below. With renewed fury the Handy Hands strike back with all they have left. Even then, it's not enough. Not a single devil falls. Kek falls to the spiked chain of the horned devil once again. Even the victorious emergence of a musclebound Col single-handedly lifting the stone block, his army of snakes swarming in doesn't bolster too much hope. Even if the snakes were effective, there's little hope of everyone making it out alive.

​

They can't win this.

​

"One soul...", the fallen angel croons again. "Just one soul. A payment for your lives."

​

Bertram readies himself. He didn't think this would be how it would end. But he's ready for it. His friends have seen him through thick and thin, and he'll gladly give himself for them. He starts to speak - but the couatl beats him to it.

​

In dreams my end was dark. Yet it is strangely bright in here. Eku pauses, letting a small laugh slip in her telepathy. End this Death Curse. Bring good. Bring kindness. I could not be happier than to call you all my friends... Thank you.

​

ONE SOUL!, she loudly broadcasts. ONE SOUL! A PAYMENT FOR THEIR LIVES!

​

The fallen angel looks at the couatl. Not just any soul. A celestial soul. The angel's smile goes wide. With a nod, screeches sound all around as the horde of devils explode into ash. Still wrapped around the fallen angel, Eku turns to look at the wayward companions one last time, then in a final explosion of ash and brimstone the angel and the couatl are gone.

​

The floor cools. Ash falls. The stone block retreats from Col's shoulders. The room goes quiet. No one knows what to say.

​

Arnie silently works to stabilize Kek and Sekelok until a strange glow from behind Col breaks the shock. Golden light coalesces to take the form of a Chultan warrior, clapping its hand on the druid's arm as the ghostly visage walks by. 

​

It stops before Ghom, hands on hips. It smiles warmly before touching the tusk of its old traveling companion. The spirit of Ch'gakare looks at the heavily wounded yet living figures atop his old mastodon, taking them all in one by one, before the smile turns into a grin. A skull-shaped chalice manifests in its hand, holding it upward and outward in salute. It waits.

​

Sensing the intent, each in turn bring out their own drinking vessels. It toasts. The Handy Hands all toast back, drinking to this accomplishment... to Eku's sacrifice... or perhaps both. Extending the skull chalice forward, the spirit waits again. Kek takes it from the spirit's hands, finding it transitioning from golden light into a solid golden cup made from a skull.

​

"Siya Kikombe.", the ghost says, before Ch'gakare softly dissipates into a sparkle of showering light.

​

"Oh! Are the eyes new, Kek?", asks Eku as the grung heals her, the Handy Hands stopping for a rest before pushing on.

​

What? The others look over. Indeed, Kek's eyes now have rectangular pupils! First body hair, then this? The grung looks at their fey familiar. It shrugs. They had assumed the changes were due to Kek's increasing involvement with Feywild energies, but are they not? It's Col who finally puts it together: The goat-headed staff - it's cursed! Kek is becoming a goat! It's painfully obvious in hindsight, having found the staff on the mutated man-goat corpse of Devlin.

​

"Arnie! HELP!", pleads Kek. "I can handle change... but not into this. Anything but a mammal!" The thought of nipples and live birth are enough to freak the amphibian out! Arnie agrees, but it'll be a day at least to prep the right spells. Hopefully the grung doesn't get too much worse in the meantime!

​

Path debated, all decide that it's not quite time to go to the sixth level. It's seems likely that the Sewn Sisters, this "baby", and even the Soulmonger itself are all down below. Best not risk it when there's potential threats here on the fifth level and the unexplored fourth level above. That long vertical shaft flashing with energy ahead. What wonders does it contain?

​

Arnie carefully peeks in to the 30-foot diameter cylindrical shaft... this thing easily goes hundreds of feet up and down, a huge chain running the length from one storm-like nexus of energy to another! This hall ends at a small balcony but another sits a bit higher up, perhaps reachable by a short range teleport or risking a ride up the ascending chain. The handyman steps for a better view but freezes in his tracks when oscillating red lights begin flashing.

​

"INTRUDER ALERT. INTRUDER ALERT."

​

A rift rips through the fabric of reality around a hundred feet above Arnie, but he doesn't wait to see what's emerging! The sound of many fluttering wings is heard as he runs out. Nothing follows. But SOMEthing is up there.

​

"Here, Peach. Try floating this out.", suggest Bertram, handing her his trusty handheld mirror. The bard does just that and mage hands it out at an angle. A platoon of what looks like cube shaped robotic cupids orbiting a large flying decahedron are seen before a hail of arrows rain down to shatter the mirror. New possible robot friends? Arnie's excited!

​

"No, Arnie! They're just a bunch of squares!", says Peach.

​

Hostile squares, to boot! What to do? A party-wide invisible teleport scheme is possible, but it's very costly in spell slots. They could rush across, but who knows if they'll all succeed at the jump or at riding the chains? With the 'INTRUDER ALERT' alarm still sounding, it doesn't seem like they're going away any time soon. Best they just deal with the threat. After testing that his invisibility gifted by Moa works here as intended, Arnie starts the demolition plan. Fireball!

​

*Ka-FOOM*! Eight out of ten of the flying cubes are incinerated instantly, slagged scrap metal falling into the electric abyss below. Kek leaps across balconies to distract and defend as Arnie fireballs again, taking some arrows but downing another modron to leave only one more plus the big decahedron. Peach and Bertram blast the geometric shape as it closes in, all seeing that it's not an entity but a vehicle. Something is in there!

​

With precious little space on the balcony Col steps forward to morph into a huge quetzalcoatlus, skewering the decahedron to reveal... a biomechanical starfish? The larger modron flops off Col's beak and down to precariously share the ledge's limited space. Kek shoots the weird thing from behind as Arnie and Peach take turns crouching under Col's spindly form to blast the thing as it unfurls its... heads/limbs/whatever. Mouths open and paralytic gas sprays, but thankfully to no effect!

 

A few more arrows are taken by Kek and Col before the last flying cube drops, then its just a short matter of time before Col can wrap his huge beak around the starfish-thing and swallow it like the world's most terrifyingly huge pelican.

 

Two for two with Col ending a fight by awkwardly eating something.

 

What's that screaming? Oh, right. Bertram! Obo'laka shrieks in the historian's head as Bertram freefalls down the chain's shaft, a few seconds earlier thinking it was a great idea to power slide under Col for a badass maneuver that unfortunately ended with falling off into oblivion. Second chain missed, lower storm looming...

​

*FOOMPH*. A windblown and freaked out Bertram teleports next to Kek looking like a wild man. 

​

"I just ahh... I just need to sit down for a while...", he says, knees weak and hands shaking. And so he does just that.

​

Soon the rest join. Col by awkwardly flying his huge form over, Arnie carried by the rare appearance of Eku's celestial form, and Peach by some honestly Elf-as-Shit chain hopping. Arnie leads the way through a narrow passage to a disparate room.

​

Headless humanoids grimly populate the fresco walls, but the huge gleaming brass device taking up much of the room is fantastic! An armillary sphere of great proportions dominates the chamber, and much to Arnie's surprise, opens when he approaches. Rings rotate out of the way as the central sphere opens, revealing a big padded chair with many levers built into its armrests.

​

Neat! But what is this thing? Its pieced together by Bertram: it's the cosmos, at least as mortals know it! The central sphere represents their planet, Toril. A sun and moon are obvious. The six remaining rings represent the Feywild, the Shadowfell, and the four elemental planes. Odds are whomever sits in the chair can manipulate the rings, but to what end? Peach uses Arnie's Mirror of the Past (DM: first time it has been used since getting it in like... session 40!) to determine a connection between the moon and some fiendish entity, but the info is confusing otherwise. There's also the interior duct-like passage that Kek found at the base of the seat. Where does that go?

​

Like an amphibious John McClane, Kek descends, light of her magic candle warding off the frightening dark. 20 feet. 30 feet. A bit further further ahead the duct ends in an exit panel above, it looks. Pushing it open the grung emerges...

​

*Shing*! *Slice*! A heavy greatsword slams down upon a very surprised Kek. It's a secret passage into the Control Room, but what is Sekelok up to? One look at his physique - poised to kill, eyes clouded over with a familiar slick grey - and Kek knows its suicide to take on the hulking yuan-ti. More blows cut in and bring Kek within half of her life in just a few of the arcing swings before she's able to get off a lucky Stunning Strike, fleeing back into the tunnel. A few moments later, with the *thunk* of heavy weight, Kek looks over her shoulders to see Sekelok pursuing like a horror movie villain.

​

"What's going on?!", asks Peach, alarmed at seeing a badly wounded Kek emerge from the main sphere.

​

"It's Sekelok!", she says panickily. "He's coming! Get ready!"

​

A few quick heals in, the Handy Hands poise in wait. First thing out, they're blasting it! Sure as can be, Sekelok's head and torso emerge into a flurry of weapons and spells. A smite from Bertram! A bite from Col! An absolutely amazing Wand of Wonder blast from Peach! (DM: Self-mesmerized. Nothing happened. Welp.) A strong geas compulsion from Arnie to stop attacking! Nothing can stop the silently rampaging snake person... until the geas damage hits. Grey eyes clear.

​

"What... Where...?". Sekelok holds his head in pain.

​

"You nearly cut me down. Don't you remember?", asks Kek. To think she used to mock him for hardly doing damage!

 

The yuan-ti shakes his head. "I had pulled the lever as your guide asked. Slime poured in, then... I was here."

​

Peach's eyes light up. OTHER LARRY! The less-friendly personality of that aboleth mind-controlled Sekelok using its slime and tried to murder Kek! Everyone is suddenly very happy that they've never tried to test out the grey slime on their bodies. Imagine if Arnie or Peach succumbed to it earlier, or if the slime patches in the gear halls weren't cleared out by Bertram and the others? Hands could have been chopping down Hands left and right! Nice try, Other Larry, you devious fishy bastard!

​

Sekelok reunited, he and Kek healed, the gang at least ponder the convenient geography. With the duct connecting the sphere room and the Control Room, all known rooms of Level 5 of the Tomb can now be reached without changing cog positions. That's nice! Now, what about this cushioned chair with all the levers at the center of this big brass device? Do they risk playing with it, especially after learning of Other Larry's trickery?

​

Bertram ponders. He has to know. For knowledge's sake. For science! "I think I want to do it.", he states.

​

Okay then. Clear out! Col takes Eku down the duct with him. The rest pull well back into the narrow hall. Bertram pensively takes a step forward into the sphere, the sliding hatch door closing to seal him in once he sits down in the big chair. A solid brass sphere from the outside, the sphere goes transparent to the historian's view.

​

He tests a lever. One of the eight rings moves. Another tested. Another moves. Alright, alright... Concern of a death trap fading, time to have some fun! Those in the hallway watch as the rings whirr and spin like a gyroscope around the central orb as Bertram tries out different positions. It's all quite neat! Eventually it occurs to him that he has yet to try to align all of the planetary objects and planar orbs with each other. A series of lever shifts later, the last orb falls into a line.

​

A surge of energy floods the inside the central sphere, Bertram grabbing his temples for a few moments as the worst migraine headache of all time pierces his skull. A skull that throbs as it starts to grow. His brain! It's enlarging! His forehead distorts and some pain remains... but his consciousness is vast. Bertram's smarts grew three sizes in that moment! (DM: A permanent +4 Intellect. Mind bulletsssss!)

​

The surge radiates outward through the brass machinery, rings vibrating violently. The orb symbolizing the moon cracks, then shatters! With a roar a large winged green-skinned fiend emerges from its prison, gleaming executioner's axe in hand.

​

Suddenly the wall murals make sense. It looks towards the visible Handy Hands, roars again, and charges.

​

An unseen fear grips Peach, Kek, and Arnie, but there's no time to ponder. It's pandemonium in here! There's bug people! A robot thing! Orcs! A big terrifying skeletal devil! FIGHT! 

​

Or is it a fight? The freaky tailed and winged devil made of muscle over bones calmly steps back rather than engaging.

​

"So what's your deal?", Peach asks of the devil. It unfurls a scroll. 

​

"Ah.. are you 'The Handy Hands'?", it asks. Peach nods. It hands over the scroll. "You've been served!"

​

Peach glances at the scroll. "A jury duty summons? Dang it!" There's no time for this! Firing off a hold person at the orcs she gets to helping her friends with the rest of the chaos, the devil patiently crossing arms to wait.

​

Two four-armed beetle-like humanoids get the jump on Bertram and blows are traded, one summoning a magical darkness as Col investigates the Shadowfell door that Eku opened. The gravestones within have their names on them! Doesn't seem to be a threat other than the wave of fear earlier, though. Meanwhile the non-paralyzed orc, excited by seeing the robot-like creature, runs to pick it up and throw it over its shoulder.

​

"Hey! Come back with my new friend!", shouts Arnie. "Why don't you just put the little fella back down?"

​

"RUST FOR THE RUST GOD!", it shouts fanatically, taking off like a crazed football receiver. What is even going on here?

​

Kek and Peach aid Bertram as the devil watches, Col morphing into his customary giant snake to snare the kidnapping orc while Arnie flails in the dark, luckily getting an inflict wounds off on orcish skin. The second bugman's eyes glow yellow and the room fills with toxic fumes, Eku taking enough damage to actually flip her out of her preferred human form before fleeing for safety. Bertram smites the darkness-inducing bug into oblivion and the cog's interior becomes visible once again.

​

When the second bugman goes down to Kek's fists, the wardrobe's doors from which they emerged slam shut. *shhhPING!* A sharp noise to the north! What was that? The large devil claps at the gang's success only to be hit by Peach's slow, hitting every non-Handy Hand in the room. The clapping slows.

​

"Are you mocking us? This all of a sudden feels insincere.", says Bertram.

​

"No... Honestly... Enjoying... This... Just... Getting... Slowed...", responds the bone devil.

​

The kidnapping orc breaks free of Col to comedically slo-mo dash for its home wardrobe. Arnie inflicts wounds again, but it's one hardy boy! Peach's attack resisted the orc makes it through the doors to teleport back into the middle of the scene of eternal battle within, giving a shout of victory and holding the modron high. A ray from the moon-like iron cube of its realm levitates the captor and captive into the sky, pulling both within. *shhhPING!* The modron's wardrobe slams shut.

​

One paralyzed orc left. One giant hungry snake. It's an uncomfortable round as all stand around and watch Col unhinge his jaw and swallow the immobilized orc whole, terror in its eyes. *shhhPING!* The orcs' wardrobe snaps shut. All immediate threats seem resolved, they think. Except that scary devil thing over there.

​

"Well then! Excellent!", says the bone devil. "Duty calls!" With a clap of hands a series of objects and creatures warp into existence and crunch into the metal floor. A huge insectoid fiend. A half-elf dressed in rags next to it. A fallen angel weeping blood wearing a power suit. A devil with tentacles for a beard sitting behind a typing device. And a massive horned red-skinned fiend sitting behind a judge's podium wearing a curly white wig and holding a comically undersized gavel.

​

*rap rap rap* "COURT IS IN SESSION!", growls the huge devil judge.

​

Hell Court? What? This actually is jury duty! At least the Handy Hands are at trial, not on trial!

​

"DEFENDER, STATE YOUR CASE FOR THE JURORS!"

​

The bone devil takes its position as court bailiff as the giant blue insectoid devil turns to the mystified crew to exposit the situation. The defendant, the half-elf Fatima, sold her soul to the Nine Hells in agreement that her sister would be cured of the Death Curse within a certain time period. The sister died of non-Death Curse causes days before the period specified by the infernal contract, to which the prosecuting attorney states is not a breach of contract but simply unfortunate. Fatima's soul was still sold, hence the contract remains in place.

​

After a few questions are asked, the gang are given their own private Barrier of Silence to deliberate their juror's verdict. It seems open and shut! Bad luck that Fatima's sister died early, but it isn't the Nine Hell's fault, right? Sensing the vibe not going their way, the ice devil defending attorney politely enters the barrier. Perhaps a little bribery could sway the Handy Hands to a 'Not Guilty' outcome? Gold? Items, perhaps? Power?

​

"What I really wanted was a new robot friend...", laments Arnie. The devil agrees. It could find Arnie a new robot friend!

​

The defender retreats as the bone devil bailiff delivers a piece of evidence Col had requested: the infernal contract itself. The scrolled contract unfurls to an easy 20 feet long as Col unravels it, the text in Common yet getting progressively tinier and tinier in print size as it goes. After a period of close inspection, Bertram adjusts his glasses.

​

"Wait just a moment. Look at this. Far at the bottom!", says the historian. "'If the party dies of anything other than the Death Curse before the full enactment of the terms of contract, this infernal agreement upon the soul of Fatima is null and void.'". Ah hah! Caught at their own game, sneaky devils! The power suit attorney with the bleeding eyes leans her head in. How about a 'Guilty' outcome? What'll it take? More gold? More items, perhaps? A LOT of power?

​

"I want ten new robot friends!", says Arnie. The devil perks up and starts to nod. "No. Wait. ONE HUNDRED new robot friends!" The fallen angel balks. Maybe? That's a lot of modrons! She leaves to think on it. "Ahh who am I kidding. I already have you guys as friends. And I have a BEST friend too!" Arnie throws his obsidian dog statue to the floor, talking magical dog manifesting amidst the group.

​

"Hello Arnie!", says the dog. "You're still my best friend, Arnie!"

​

"Hi dog! You're my best friend too! We've decided 'Not Guilty'! Would you mind delivering the verdict for us?"

​

"Abomination...", mutters Kek.

​

And so it was. Silent circle fading, the Handy Hands and their creepy talking dog stand before the judge. Assorted devils listen intently and the tentacle-bearded one furiously types with its beard as the magical canine delivers the verdict. NOT GUILTY! A cheer goes up from the half-elf and ice devil, the prosecuting fallen angel nods in respect at the Handy Hands beating them at their own bureaucracy, and the huge red judge's gavel comes down.

​

*rap rap rap* "COURT IS ADJOURNED!"

​

Just as rapidly as the entire courtroom scene warped in, it warps back out, the hellish wardrobe slamming shut after Fatima thanks the crew. *shhhPING!* A moment later the final Shadowfell wardrobe shunts out the very same strange skulled skeleton that instigated this mess. Get him! Crushed into a heap of bones, 4th weird skull collected, one final *shhPING* sounds as the last wardrobe closes and leaves the third cog's interior much as it was before all of the ridiculousness.

​

"Geez Arnie, I thought you were about to sell us out back there!", says Peach.

​

"Oh... no. It's fine. They all reminded me too much of my dad anyway...", he responds.

​

May as well explore this southeastern passage while the cogs are aligned. Trouble is the lack of light. It was eerie but never a big problem before, yet now Kek, Peach, and Arnie find themselves actually afraid. That must have been what came out of the mystery 5th door - fear of the dark! Daylight cast on Arnie's wrench to flood the halls, the fearful find solace, yet the shape of something huge and golden sparkles in the handyman's hi-beams up ahead.

​

It's oddly a museum exhibit vibe. A life-sized golden statue of a mastodon with bejeweled tusks stands on a raised cog, muraled walls showing a mastodon and strapping warrior riding through hellish landscapes defeating swarms of devils.

 

It's all too familiar... wait. The Legend of Ch'gakare. That famous tale of a warrior riding back from the Hells to defeat their evil king... the very tale behind the gladiator event in which their departed friend Krenko starred in! "Let your bones watch over my treasure, brave Ghom.', reads the inscription to Bertram's eyes. Kek steps back a bit surprised when she sees under the gold filigree peeling back on one of the statue's legs. Mummified hide lies below.

​

This isn't a statue of Ghom. This is Ghom. The legend is real! 'Siya Kikombe' indeed! Krenko would have loved this.

 

Far up on Ghom's neck a star-shaped indentation is found - one matching the star-shaped lever from the cog Control Room. What is this? A mastodon animatronic? A ride? Asking Eku to have Sekelok pull it seems to have no effect. If they could get that handle over here perhaps they could try putting it in a new spot, but Col and Bertram aren't too keen on dismantling the cog controls just quite yet. Perhaps later! For now, time to check out that last visible passageway off of the cogs.

​

Rotate to Position #3! Gears grind and soon their position inside the third cog lines up with the northern passageway. The portcullis with the five blood drop-shaped gems has raised, gems now glowing an intense red. Ahh. That must have been the *shhPING* noises earlier! The gang presses on into a darkened corridor.

​

Sparks from beyond the hall alight graven images of rotting corpses that greet Bertram as he scouts ahead, floor littered with tarnished scraps of metal, rusted weapon shards, and decaying cloth and leather. Sometimes a spade is a spade.

​

"May as well get this over with...", mutters Bertram, stripping down to his birthday suit.

​

"Wait! We'll help!", says Arnie as he disrobes, Kek taking off their minimal gear to join as well.

 

Soon a butt naked aasimar, human, and grung are creeping their way carefully towards the archway on the far side of the assumed decaying threat. Descending stairs are found halfway down. A way into the 6th floor that Mr. Withers declared as forbidden, perhaps? Attention shifts as they approach the archway, where wonder awaits.

 

If the hall is scary, the other side is incredible! The blue sparks seen from a distance emanate from both somewhere far above and far below like twin rumbling thunderstorms to illuminate an impossible sight. Joined by the clank of metal and smell of burning oil, a pair of absolutely massive chains pass by vertically, seemingly in and out of space-time. Hearing Larry the aboleth tell of interdimensional chains that provide the Tomb energy is one thing. Seeing it is quite another!

​

But first, let's get less naked. Pulling an ivory ring out of an iron bull's mouth on top of the archway seems to de-power the decaying field and the gang regroups. Now! Where to? Into the unknown below, or through the very bleeding of planes?

​​

Last thing Kek remembers she fell asleep after a chatting with Bertram. There was a creepy dream of losing her head and she woke up feeling terrible (DM: 1 rank of exhaustion from that dream!), but what's with also waking up covered in wiry hair? Is it because of her recent studies of the Feywild? Kek looks at her fey frog familiar. It shrugs. Maybe Peach knows?

​

The bard shrugs as well. "Some people get faerie wings. Some people get rainbow sparkles. Some get hair.", she replies.

 

First fading out of their priestly red caste color, then turning black, then flipped to female, now having a layer of moist hair over their moist amphibian skin. It's... certainly a unique grung look, if anything.

​

"Keep it down!", groans Arnie. "I feel like like crap!" (DM: also 1 rank of exhaustion!)

​

After Peach attunes to The Starfallen so the spirit can better help her out, talk turns to the unsettling leather pouch that she had woken up with encountering Peggy Deadbells. It's real enough. Human skin too, by Arnie's best and least enjoyable guess. Seems empty. Insightfully Bertram and Peach put it together - it's a soul bag! Essential to a haunter of dreams and collector the souls. Peggy is really going to want this back, but without it the hag will be unable to harass them at night! 

​

Over the customary morning pancakes Col lays out the day's strategy. Level 4 of this place is unexplored, but now that they know how the gears of Level 5 work it seems the most logical place to continue. The others agree. Desk barricade moved, it's out of Mr. Withers' office and right back down to where they came from the night before.

​

None are too eager to see if the deadly gas and compost monsters are back. What about the dusty hallway to the south that they skipped out on before? Beyond where 'AWAKEN NAPAKA!' is still scrawled in blood, the hall flickers with magical torchlight and glints off puddles of Larry's slime. The floor is oddly sloped, a purple curtain hanging to the left but to the right a myriad of relief sculptures depicting animal-headed people reacting in awe to a black star. Unfortunately a dead end.

 

Or is it? Casual inspection by Arnie finds that a wall relief of a chest actually has a real keyhole embedded in it. He's all too eager to try out the big ring of keys he acquired from Mr. Withers, but eventually not a single one is found to work. Time for some archaeologist action! A patient moment of lockpicking later Bertram thinks he has it. *Click*. But it isn't the chest that clicks. It's the wall at the end of the hallway. Bertram turns to see the entire wall quickly drop into the floor to reveal what looks like a giant tank-like vehicle carved from green stone. Which immediately starts their way.

​

"RUN!", screams Bertram.

​

The historian grabs a shocked Arnie to dimension door out of the hall but Peach and Sekelok aren't so lucky. Caught off guard, the thing grinds forward with supernatural speed and steamrolls right over the duo, crushing them under its huge barrel-like wheels to take massive damage.

​

"Peach, no!", shouts Arnie. A wave of healing energy radiates from Moa's staff to hopefully keep the bard and the yuan-ti alive as Col drops spike growth to slow the thing's scary momentum. With a *FOOMP* from below Peach detonates a destructive wave like a car bomb, the juggernaut bouncing a bit and affording her enough time to fey step to safety. Sekelok isn't so lucky though, getting crushed once again as the tank starts to back up.

​

Kek had sprinted behind the purple curtain in search of safety but is faced with another dead end, a broken statue, and a riddle written on the wall. No time for this! How does one attack a stone tank? The hairy frog leaps directly at the thing and slides on to its roof to hang on for dear life.

​

Seeing 'NAPAKA' carved into the juggernaut's side as it charges past, Bertram lets loose with a charged Agamaya to further the cracks in the green stone that Peach started. It isn't impervious! Arnie pulls Sekelok to safety just before the tank begins rolling in reverse, Col's magic thorns ripping into its rollers as it repositions for another high speed ram. Sensing moment, Kek jumps down to unload her Staff of Striking on the elephant likeness of the living vehicle's body. First Peach's blast, then Bertram's smite, then Col's spikes, then a forceful monk walloping, this thing is looking rough... but not rough enough to stop moving!

 

The grung monk sprints out of the way as the juggernaut plows forward after her, right through Col's thorns once again and into an awaiting Bertram with a second charged blow. The historian's axe comes down, his smite resonates the spiderweb of cracks through the green stone, and the giant animated tank shatters. Hundreds of stone fragments carry their momentum for a second, the roll heap of rocks cascading to a stop. The hall goes quiet.

​

Something red glints at the back of the now-exposed end of the hall. Bertram cautiously approaches. A massive ruby larger than a fist sits on a pedestal behind where the juggernaut once idled. A ruby cut like a vicious hand axe.

​

"Ah. Friends, look at this!", he calls back to the rest, making a stabbing motion with his hand.

​

"...That's it!", comes a ghostly voice from Peach's lamp, The Starfallen emerging. "That is what they sought to help me!"

​

The Eye of Zaltec! The Company of the Yellow Banner came here searching the fabled relic to restore The Starfallen to life. While they sadly did not complete their quest, here it truly is. But how does it work? And does it really restore the dead? Arnie gets excited that they may have found a way to return Krenko to life after this Soulmonger is dealt with, but, the ruby's eerie sacrificial dagger-like vibe makes Col wary of the thing. Perhaps into the Portable Hole is best for now.

​

Now about that three-armed gargoyle statue that Kek found. 'Three I need, then three more, three more still, opens the door.' reads the riddle behind it. Hmm. Seems all doors and threats are taken care of here. Maybe it was a way past the stone tank? Or an easier way to the Eye of Zaltec? After a bit of handyman crawlspace investigation, all decide that maybe their original intent of trying new positions for the giant gears is a better use of time. To the cogs!

​

Compost piles returned to the earth. Sprinkler still spraying. The middle cog seems just as they left it the night before. The western one seems the same. Hopefully no traps reset or new enemies abound.

​

"Alright.", starts Col. "Sekelok? Eku? Let's do as we planned." The yuan-ti and their psychic 'jungle mom' nod. With Sekelok wounded from the attempted vehicular snakeslaughter, having Ras Nsi's second-in-command man the controls as Eku telepathically relays Col's directions seems like an optimal way to keep all the Handy Hands present. Rotate to Position #1!

​

Cogs grind. The floor shakes. The crew brace themselves when a corridor lines up with the little northern chamber that flooded out gas previously and... nothing. Not a puff of gas. No more angry vegetation. Phew! Amidst the room's inactive skull-shaped gas nozzles lies a motionless form. Fingers clutched around the throat and face locked in a grimace of pain, this poor fellow did not die a good death. When Kek investigates and a cloak falls back and reveals a familiar yellow arm band on the knight-like figure, the other Handy Hands solemnly look on.

​

Lord Brixton, stalwart leader of the Company of the Yellow Banner, sadly met his fate here.

​

"This one deserves proper rest.", says Kek. This former priest still holds tight to the ways of the dead and their rites.

​

Steel floor of the cog under the garden limiting a bit, Col's mold earth does what it can and the knight is laid to rest after a bit of salvage. A pouch of gems, a dragon hilted sword. Maybe they'll be of use in Brixton's memory. Words said, the gang turn towards the other corridor - the one that Col had intended to line up with the unexplored final cog to the east.

​

A rusted iron floor. A northern portcullis with five blood drop-shaped gems above it. And... wardrobes? Arnie blinks. What is this? A dresser-based trap room? The Handy Hands move in, fairly confused. Five nicely made dark wood wardrobes. Nothing SEEMS deadly. The gang shrugs and Col makes the call - rotate to Position #5! - and they prepare to move on. Just as the cogs lock into their new positions to reveal a southeastern path, something catches Peach's eye. A wardrobe slowly creaks open, bony hand opening from the inside. A weird skull in the shape of an octagon sneaks out to peek.

​

"Ack!", it exclaims, before slamming the door shut. Another one! Damned cartoony weird-head skeletons!

​

"Hey!" Come back here!", shouts Arnie. He rushes to open the wardrobe... and stares upon a roaring battle. Clashing orcish armies fight under a blood red sky that has a gargantuan iron cube floating in it like a huge, distant moon. Dust billows outward along with the screams of warriors and-

​

"NOPE.", says Kek, slamming the wardrobe doors shut in front of a mystified Arnie. A moment later the skeleton emerges from a different wardrobe behind Col and into a third. The druid considers chase but stops. No. It wants exactly that.

 

So that's how it is, Bone Man? A 'shell game', eh? They're not falling for its silly tricks. There's six of them including Eku. They'll flush this thing out! Each will pop a door at the same time and Kek will play offensive linefrog in the middle. This skeleton ain't going nowhere.

​

"Ready? On five!", says Bertram. "Ein... zwei... drei... fier... FÜNF!"

​

It's a flood of sights and sounds as all wardrobes are yanked open at once, five otherworldly scenes bleeding outward.

 

Two orcs locked in mortal combat slam through the wardrobe and on to the floor. Obsidian boulders float above a roiling caldera of an active volcano, two insectoid humanoids with tridents teleporting through the door. An impossible expanse of interlocking gears and machinery stretches as far as the eye can see, a funny spherical construct with spindly legs and small wings appearing next to Arnie. Waves of heat assail from a hellish landscape where an iron road leads to a basalt citadel, an ember floating in to manifest into a giant winged and bony fiend. A forlorn and forgotten graveyard, ghouls gnawing in the distance as a wave of intangible dread washes outward.

​

In an instant, what a moment before was a quiet pentagonal room descends into utter chaos!

​

The gas billows throughout the pentagonal interior of the massive cog that serves as an undead garden of sorts, burning exposed skin of Bertram and their allies as four masses of rotting plant coalesce into vaguely animalistic and humanoid forms to tower over them. The forms turn and groan, shambling forward with violent intent. This doesn't look good!

​

Control the situation! Thankfully immune to the gas due to poison dart frog ancestry, Kek does her best to distract and tank as a choking Bertram blasts a cone of cold, unfortunately discovering it is of limited effect for himself and summoned angel.

​

"You ready, Arnie?", asks Peach. The handyman nods. Reality warps as Peach dimension doors them from the Control Room right into the mix, fumes burning skin as Arnie unleashes a fireball upon exiting bent time-space... to find it just as effective as Bertram's spell. Great! They're both Cold and Fire resistant? Time to resort to traditional methods of garden trimming!

​

Much like Kek, Col knows what to do. Contain the threat, provide an escape! Dial set to 'Configuration 4', the druid flees out of the Control Room as a flying snake, squeezing through the rotating gears' connective points to fly as fast as he can over the lake surface to the middle gear. For the rest, the floor lurches. Col is up to something and they hope its good! 

​

The compost piles smash down with force but thankfully Kek, Sekelok, and their happenstance ally Kathra the earth genie are there to absorb blows. Unfortunately so is Peach. A large mound slams into her and sucks her within its rotting mess, light and air fading. Without a word Kek leaps atop to rip at the vines towards the bard trapped below.

​

The gas ticks again. Most spell slots are spent. Eku can only bless. Sekelok and Kathra aren't in the best of shape from the day's stresses. And apparently these things can pull you into their bodies. Can the Handy Hands withstand this onslaught?

​

Best they can do is try their best! With Kek's help Peach scrambles out covered in decayed matter, Bertram and friends doing their best to distract the other heaps. Arnie's mass healing word arrives just in time as another barrage of damage slams down, Eku quickly casting protection from poison to keep Peach conscious as the gang readies to return fire.

​

Bertram holds fast, his summon falling, but Kek pops off! Fists fly and the one that "ate" Peach loses some cohesion as a flying snake soars through an open passage. Col! Unfortunately they didn't get the 'fire isn't great' memo for their first attack, but the Handy Hands now fight united. Things are looking up as Arnie heals, but the vicious greenery smashes back.

​

"I did not agree to die here!", shouts a heavily wounded Kathra. In a swirl of dust the genie disengages to fly straight up through the hole in the ceiling, abandoning the Handy Hands in their time of need.

​

"Hey!", grumbles Arnie. "My next heal was yours but... fine. See if I care..." So much for fair-tomb friends. He's got an idea, though! Arnie considers his single 6th Level spell slot. Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. Blade barrier it is! 

​

"Who wants a smoothie?!"

​

A storm of razor sharp blades appear and whir like a Blender of Doom in the middle of the chamber, the animated compost mounds taking massive damage as they're caught in the vortex. Just the changeup they needed! The plant matter doesn't seem to be too cognizant however and keep on slamming. A nimble Bertram continues to dodge heavy hits but Sekelok isn't as lucky, the yuan-ti looking heavily wounded before getting pulled inside just as Peach had.

​

"We cannot stay here!", yells Eku, attempting to shepherd to the escape plan Col made available. "This way!"

​

It's no good! Too many huge rotting plant things and swirling blades in the way! Luckily Kek is able to finally punch one of them into oblivion and runs around the room to where a barely-alive Sekelok is brute forcing his way out of the thing's insides. Not missing a beat the grung roundhouse kicks the vegetation's 'head' right into the blade wall.

 

Mulch commences. Downflow, a soggy lettuce-covered Bertram wonders how he ended up in this highly unique situation.

​

Two down! With a mighty smite and sneak attack the historian is finally able to finish off the one he'd been fending off for so long. Three down! All turn on the final violent veggie as Peach slows it to uselessness and soon one more falls to Arnie's mighty smoothie blender, shoved inside by a tag team of Col, Kek, and Bertram. Time to ditch this gas!

​

It's hacking and phlegm as the Handy Hands retreat out of the cog, Col shifting to flying snake form to get the gears back in a more useful position. Soon he returns, gas has cleared, threats have gone silent, and the crew looks around at their bloody and haggard selves. It's been a day.

​

"That could have went far, far worse.", Kek observes. The rest agree. One or two more bad hits and that may have been the end for a few of them. They've pressed luck many times before, but this time it was too close for comfort.

 

Slumped on walls, there's only one thought on everyone's mind. It's late. They're beat to heck. Perhaps a day ago they would have debated continuing on. But not tonight. Mr. Withers' office upstairs seemed secure enough. Rotting severed hands, sure, but its quiet and blissfully free of death traps. Arnie sweeps inanimate hands into a corner as Col and Peach barricade the door with the room's big desk. Time for sleep. Well. Almost. Kek lounges next to Bertram.

​

"These dreams you bring alive. Are they yours? Where do they come from?", asks the grung.

​

"Not exactly mine.", starts the historian. "Remember Granny Gristlegums? I feel I'm missing a lot since meeting her, but at least let me tell you of the Shadowfell..." Conversation goes on into the evening for a bit, with Kek and Bertram exchanging stories of their respective experiences with the Feywild and Shadowfell.

 

Its good just to talk for a change.

​

*         *         *

​

She says its a romance book. Clay golem on the cover, but whatever. Bertram enjoys his own mathematics book while on watch when something other than Peach catches his eye. Something near the bookshelf. Purple skin. A Sewn Sister?

​

There's no time to ponder. A purple finger points, and Bertram sleeps into a deep slumber.

​

There. You see her?

​

Peach looks around. What? A voice in her head? Why is Bertram asleep? You see her, yes? Peach nods. That voice. It's Granny Gristlegums! Remember that I said I once led a coven but was disposed of? The one with coins for eyes - that is Widow Groat. The one with a sack in place of a head - that is Baggy Nana. This one with the chattering teeth and gassy breath - the one who TOOK MY PLACE - is Peggy Deadbells. Names are powerful. Peach knows this. But what's going on?

​

You made a deal, deary. Your beautiful cloak for a future favor. I have come to collect! But first a gift my dear...

​

The bard's eyes close, her book slumps from her hands, and for the first time in her life the elf falls asleep.

​

The ants come first. Thousands of them. Sensing an invitation Peach rolls on to them, and much like a conveyor belt they carry her consciousness right through the wall past her friends and physical form. Through a dusken jungle she slides around trees and hills until there, in a grove, a severed head awaits. Bone and feather headdress. Kek's head. A glint in the mouth. A key. Peach knows she needs it. Snatching it from within, somewhere far distant a very real grung monk groans in her sleep, parasitic hag nearby draining just a bit of energy.

​

Deadbells preys on your friends., Granny Gristlegums' voice tones to the bard. As she invades the dreamspace of others, we invade hers unseen. That key... collect more of them. The ants carry Peach onward where an ancient man sits on a stump.

​

"Peach!", says the old man feebly. "It's me! I'm so glad to see you!" Tattered furry hat, old tropical shirt. Could it be?

​

"Arnie! Has it been so long?", says Peach.

​

"So many apologies to make. I'm sorry for what I did, Peach." The eladrin bard looks on confused. "It's here...". Elderly Arnie touches his chest. "You need it. Take it. I forgive you...". Peach nods.

​

"I'm sorry too, Arnie. Thank you." She jams her hand forward into Arnie's chest, and where a heart should be is the metallic feel of another key. The elderly handyman falls unbreathing. The bard leaves on her river of ants. Unseen in another realm, a sleeping Arnie kicks in pain.

​

Cresting a ridge the familiar sight of Col awaits Peach patiently. Something is, of course, wrong. Eyes bulge, jaw drops, hand extends, and Col emits a horrible screech as Peach approaches. Whatever darkness Col's wail contains it is resisted, though, and a key is grabbed from around the druid's neck and the bard continues on.

​

A stream sparkles with light ahead. A thin figure slumps in a lone rocking chair in the wilderness, blanket over shoulders, unmoving. It's Bertram - or at least, a shell of who Bertram is. Milky eyes, gaunt cheeks, shaking hands... this Bertram has long since lost his mind to the Shadowfell. There inside of the slack jaws, though, is the glint of another key. As fast as an adder Peach darts her fingers in and out, Bertram's teeth gnashing a split second too late to likely sever her digits.

​

"Take care, Bertram."

​

Ants flow once more and Peach rides to their terminus. A large door carved into a hags' likeness seals a hillside cave. Four key holes. Four keys. Quietly unlocked and opened, the world between dream and reality blends. There, oblivious to Peach, Peggy Deadbells crouches over the sleeping Handy Hands. A malformed hide bag hangs at her side.

​

There it is!, says Granny Gristlegums. Take it! Take it while she is unaware! And so Peach does.

​

The hag screeches in surprise, tooth necklace chattering and yellow fumes smoking from her lips as she turns! She pulls at Peach's dream form, the bard pulls back, and with a *snap* the bag's tong breaks. Peach and Peggy are flung away from each other, both thrown into darkness as the dreamscape rapidly melts into nothingness.

​

Good... good..., Gristlegums' voice says once more. Consider your debt fulfilled, deary. Sleep well...

​

*         *         *

​

"Sleep, eh?", asks Bertram in the morning, weird dream of sitting in a rocking chair on his mind. "So. How did that go?"

​

"It was TERRIFYING!", responds Peach. "How do y'all DO that every night?!"

​

The eladrin bard tells of the whole experience as the others rouse, but the quizzical thing is what was next to Peach when she awoke. A strange bag. The malformed bag seemingly made of humanoid skin from the dream. Whatever happened last night, somehow Peach ended up with something very important belonging to Peggy Deadbells.

​

Well. It's one of two quizzical things, really. The second is the mysterious small creature covered in coarse hair sleeping in their midst. Arnie works up his nerve and pokes it with his wrench.

​

Poked, Kek yawns and wakes up. A very hairy Kek.

​

Gills on their necks, Peach and Arnie watch the others climb upon the dock, leaving them in the underground lake alone amongst the glow of phosphorescent crabs. Is this their life now? Breathing water and swimming around?

​

"Peach I hate to say it, but lately you've been kind of an... asshole.", says Arnie. "I miss the good old days, when we used to be best friends and go weird places and do drugs!"

​

Peach sighs. "Yeah. You're right... I'm sorry, Arnie. The last few weeks have been really stressful, and those Trickster Gods in my head really influence the mood. Let's go be sea people together and have fun. Race you down!"

​

Peach's hair turns bright red and they're off with a porpoise, soon at work building their own new dive. Furniture cobbled out of cave rocks, crabs for ambient lighting. It'll be a great place to smoke up, as soon as they figure out how to smoke up under da sea!

​

Col, Kek, Bertram, and Eku awkwardly look around. Don't they have a Death Curse to stop? Drug-fueled friendships renewed aside, it occurs that this may be more of a medical situation than a curse or true polymorph deal. Col morphs to a sea snake to bring the notion of a cure to the aquatic pair but he can't quite make his intent known without, you know, lips. Okay. New Plan. Grabbing a glowing crab on the way back up, he flips back into human form and holds the crab like a recording device. Animal Messenger time! A minute later a crab speaking with Col's voice floats down.

​

"Arnie. Peach." The pair cock their heads at the talking crab. No Jamaican accent thankfully. "I think we have an idea for a cure. If it's a disease Eku can help. How many words do I have left? Uh. So come on up okay?" The crab skitters away.

​

"Race you up!", says Arnie.

​

The hunch was right and moments later Peach and Arnie find themselves quickly shifting from gasping for water to gasping for air. Gills fade from their necks, and Peach laments the little mermaid life that never was. The Handy Hands are back in business! Looks like there's only one way out of this lake - a stone door in the tower base that the dock is attached to. Bertram approaches. The door growing a big mouth isn't what he exactly expected.

​

"Feed me! I'm so hungry I could eat you alive! I crave something light-"

​

Pocket pancake time! Not waiting for the door's mouth to finish Arnie whips a pancake into its mouth. Problem solved! When the mouth spits out the pancake and a long barbed tongue lashes out a moment later, there's no time to react. The handyman is grabbed, pulled into the mouth, and vanishes.

​

Thinking fast as the door starts to repeat the same phrase yet ending in "... something light, something crunchy!", Bertram dives off the dock and grabs two crunchy glowing crabs, swimming up as fast as he can to chuck them in the mouth.

​

"Mmmm!", says the door. "Light and crunchy!"

​

The mouth fades. The door opens on its own. There's a staircase and hall beyond, but no sign of a handyman.

​

Arnie is gone.

​

*         *         *

​

Utter blackness. The reek of death. Brightening his wrench with light confirms what Arnie suspected: He's landed on a pile of half-rotten corpses. Four walls, no features except another big green screaming devil face... and a genie. The same earth genie that Peach tried to impress before it magick'd away. And is that Jim the slaad, dead, along with a slain otyugh?

​

"It wasn't my fault.", declares the genie, its lower half a swirl of dust. "They attacked me first."

​

"Oh I believe you! Hello! We sort of met already but I'm Arnie. Where are we?"

​

After learning the unseen fight was initiated by the resident garbage monster and a recently attempted escape by Jim, the handyman and genie logic it out. This is a trash dump for the Tomb, but also where one ends up if an attempt is made to teleport away. Or give pancakes to hungry doors, apparently. What makes Arnie uneasy is that there is clearly only one way out - the devil's mouth - and that this trash has to be emptied some time. Is it an exit? A garbage disposal? Or both?

​

Closer inspection finds a lever inside each of the devil's nostrils. No labels, no clues. Great! The genie is imperious yet humbled a bit by its inability to use its strongest abilities, enabling Arnie persuade her to help for the time being. Left nostril, or right? Can't go wrong with right! The handyman "picks" the right nostril, the devil's eyes glow, and the mouth pulls him into blackness once again...

​

...And unceremoniously shoots Arnie out of the green devil mouth way back near the Tomb's entrance, the genie flopping out right behind him. Well then! That theoretically could have went WAY worse! When Arnie hears the familiar voice of Sekelok coming from the grate to the underground river nearby, the handyman assembles a new semi-humanoid posse. 

​

"I am called Keshma." The genie nod. Arnie shakes her hand. "I will aid for the time being. But NO WISHES!"

​

"No wishes. Got it! Sekelok, Keshma. Keshma, Sekelok. Let's go!"

​

*         *         *

​

Bertram, Kek, and Peach are partway through clearing acidic slime out of the narrow access passages of Level 5 when the creepy circus music of the P.A. system rings again.

​

"Attention Handy Hands! Good news! I'm not dead! Hang tight and I'll find a way down. And undead you're still FIRED!"

​

Arnie's alive! Excellent! In the mean time, back to melting ice. (DM: A clever solution to a non-trap really! Kek freezes water, the gang pushes the ice blocks, Kek unfreezes water to dilute slime.) Another secret door and they're finally to the interior of Level 5. Dusty and cobwebbed halls stretch beyond where words written in dried blood on the ceiling to the right catch Bertram's eye. 'AWAKEN NAPAKA'? It's been a long day. No thank you, cryptic and ominous message! The gang turns left.

​

Nearing what must be the interior of one of the three massive gears that sit within the underground lake, familiar voices are heard from behind. It's Arnie and Sekelok! And the genie that vanished? There's little explanation, but Keshma the dao seems cooperative and another ally never hurts. Now, what's the deal with the pungent stench ahead?

​

Maybe it was a garden at some point. Things have long overgrown into many layers of rot, sprinkler in the middle pumping up water from the lake below to Kek's enjoyment. Not so much when she's unable to find a veggie remedy to this awful wine hangover, though. A thin trail leads through the iron sheeted pentagonal chamber from entrance to exit, where massive gear teeth between short connecting passages confirm suspicions. They're inside one of the massive cogs in the lake! When the inside of the next cog over is seen to be just as empty of obvious enemies, Bertram hesitates.

​

"Wait. Could be a trap.", says the historian, working to summon one of his living bad dreams. "Let's see what happens..." The veiled sighing angel walks forward. An acid-pitted floor is lined by five frescoes of dragons, but nothing triggers.

​

"Hold up. Look there.", says Arnie. No stranger to plumbing, the handyman points at five pipes extending from the ceiling, with further investigation finding the pipes end deep in the five fresco dragons' carved mouths. Yep. Not a room to get stuck in! At least it's an easy one for the crew to circumvent to the other side out another access tunnel.

​

Kek's eyes go wide. Shiny, shiny machinery! Buttons and dials and more! I'jin's host gets all jittery before Col eases her aside. This is no Lantanese gnomish tech. This stuff is futuristic to their standards! A lever, two buttons, two dials, and five similar engravings underneath three big pipes. But what's it all do? Col gets to work trying to make sense of the engravings on the wall as the others debate the risks of pushing buttons entirely lacking labels or an instruction manual.

​

"Gear rotation options, I think.", says Col. "Not sure how to-"

​

Arnie doesn't wait. The blue dial is turned left! With an unceremonious short hum the glowing crystal under the third engraving goes out and the one under the second engraving alights. The blue dial is for selection. Got it! Now what about the rest? Bertram nervously eyes the three pipes, noting that they are dripping with caustic slime as Col goes for the red dial and turns it to the right. *Click*. Almost like something turning off. What if the druid turns to the left? *Click*.

​

"Hey Gorra buddy, how y'all... oh he's dead, that's right.", calls a familiar friendly voice. It's Larry the aboleth! "So hey! How y'all doin'? Looks like you found the Control Room! Bet yer wonderin' what stuff does in there!"

​

The Handy Hands look at each other. Did they just call Tech Support? The 'Tomb of Annihilation' has Tech Support? Who are they kidding. This place has off-hours maintenance and a break room. Of course Larry is the IT Department.

​

"The blue button does what the blue dial is set to, so y'all have fun there." Larry pauses an odd length of time. "Hey. How 'bout y'all come back down and visit?" His voice is different, a bit cold in tone. "Come say hi. Enjoy a nice swi-"

​

*Click*. Col turns the dial right, cutting connection. "Other Larry.", he says. The others nod. Looks like the aboleth's other personality took over. No way sir! They'll stay up here and play with buttons, thank you very much.

​

Kek is nearly vibrating with button-pushing desire when Bertram ushers her out of the room with himself, back to join Eku and the others in the rotting garden cog. They think they're ready. With Arnie's dial set, Col pushes the blue button. The clanking metal is a nearly deafening roar as the three massive gears that take up the bulk of the underground lake's surface rotate to resemble the second engraving. Passages unalign with each other and soon Peach, Arnie, and Col are staring at an iron gear wall where their exit once was.

​

After bracing themselves during movement, to Bertram and Kek's perspective what was their door to the dragon trap cog is now facing a new chamber. No sooner are passages aligned when thick green gas billows out of it, skull-shaped nozzles in the small room flooding the rotting garden with fumes. Skin tingles where the vapor starts to hit, but it's the groundcover that is truly worrisome. Masses of old vines, overgrown mold, and compost start to move on their own.

​

"Eku! Call the others!", shouts Bertram. "This isn't good!"

​

Col!, the motherly guide telepathically calls. Turn the gears back! Something bad is happening!

​

The druid obliges and gears grind in reverse. Kek looks upward as four large masses of vegetation take on vaguely humanoid shapes. The very garden has come alive to murder its occupants! Will the others make it back in time to help?

​

Interesting mask and amulet, Bertram thinks. May be nice for a future museum exhibit on this place. He turns to see his friends sorting through the workshop battle's aftermath. "Hey Arnie! Want some keys?"

​

"Sure!" Wordlessly, Bertram smiles and tosses Arnie something else after the keys. A pin. A shiny bronze pin. No no, this is no mere Manager pin. This one reads 'Superintendent'. Arnie's eyes go wide. "I'll be in the office!"

​

With Mr. Withers' effects looted, the historian scans the room. That newest Entertainment Ambassador was what remained of Seward, a ranger they met long ago. Poor bastard... but it gets Bertram thinking. Seward carried a very curious artifact. Eyes glowing to sense magic, a glimpse of blue glow is seen in a pile of gear no doubt belonging to deceased adventuring predecessors. There it is. Seward's lantern.

​

"Hello...", says the ghostly elf shape within, an ethereal white within the misty blue lantern. The Starfallen. Yes, that was what the Company of the Yellow Banner called her. "...Are you kind?", The Starfallen asks Bertram.

​

"Kind? Ya, think so.", the historian responds. When the spirit asks of Seward though Bertram is quick to divert. She seems willing to come along and help, even if it seems her memory has faded with time. "Hey Peach! Want a lantern?"

​

Arnie doubles back to the office, where Col's two remaining velociraptors are having a grand time shredding into well over a hundred formerly animate inanimate hands. Gross. But fitting. This is a place of handy power. Arnie basks in the possibilities for a moment... until a sharp grey gem floats out of a desk drawer on its own. It hovers for a moment before suddenly jerking backwards and 'Jim' the slaad appears, invisibility fading as it jams the gem into its own chest.

​

"Jim! Hey! How's it going?", asks Arnie cheerfully. "Guys! Jim's back!"

Its head rapidly snaps up. "I SAID THIS ONE IS NOT JIM! *hisssss*! I tire of your realm. BEGONE FROM THIS ONE!"

​

A wave of the hand later and 'Jim' vanishes much like the djinni did earlier in the day. Huh. Well, goodbye Jim. Back to what truly matters: there's an amazing hand-themed business opportunity here, and this venture needs a new captain! He leans back in the chair, throwing a pancake chunk at the noisy caged skeletal songbird before pushing the button on the desk. Familiar creepy circus music plays. Arnie leans forward to the shell-microphone.

​

"Attention staff! We are pleased to announce that this Tomb is under new management!" The Handy Hands pause int he workshop, listening to the broadcast. "There's going to be some major changes around here... starting with staffing. If you're undead, I regretfully inform you that you're being let go." Arnie looks around at the piles of severed hands around him. "Please stop by the office on your way out for a complimentary parting gift of a, uh, hand." Something brushes his leg.

​

"Arnie, get back!", shouts Peach. Startled, the handyman jumps backwards as his friends enter and see a freakish scene. A thin purple-skinned arm just like what pulled Bertram into a waking nightmare waves where Arnie's leg was, emerging from the floor. The twisted grin of a woman with gold coins for eyes leers down at Peach from partway up the wall. A third one phases through a bookshelf and smiles, a necklace of teeth around her neck chattering on their own as she opens her mouth to speak, yellow gas emerging between from between her lips.

​

"New management... Darlingggggssssss....". The words ooze like poisoned honey.

​

"Get back, you!", yells Peach, Kek and Col at her sides ready to pounce. These are no hags of her home realm. They're something darker, something tainted - but hags nonetheless. And every eladrin knows not to show a hag fear. "You go on and git outta here, okay? GO ON! GIT!"

 

The sack-headed one emerges more from below the desk, all three putting single fingers to their mouths. "Shhhhhhh...", the two with faces say in unison. "You don't want to wake the baby... HEEHEEHEEHEE!" The cackles echo as the trio phase back through the floors and walls, leaving a calm but foreboding air. How does one fight ethereal demonic witches who go wherever they please, and surely await somewhere below?

​

"Maybe you should fire them too?", suggest Bertram.

​

"Yeah!", says Arnie, turning to the shell again. "Attention creepy ladies! Um. Sewn Sisters! Babysitters? I regret to inform that even though maybe not undead I think, you're also fired! Please leave immediately."

​

"And the soul-eating baby?"

​

"Oh! And baby! You're fired too! Get out, baby!" (DM: It happened folks. 110 sessions in, we did it. We've reached peak D&D. We've fired a baby over an intercom. Our fantasy role play accomplishments are an epic for the ages.)

​

Well then. With few threats likely around, the gang methodically goes through Mr. Withers' office over the next hour. His spellbook is found, complete with what looks like names or passwords that are thankfully verified as not traps. After finding a Manual of Clay Golems Peach reads up on the 997 deaths before Orvex, the 997th unfortunately likely Lord Brixton, the leader of the Company of the Yellow Banner. Kek drunkenly prowls, eventually making friends with the skeletal bird. 

 

Upon discovering that Mr. Withers was once a Omuan historian named Gorra, Bertram and Col spend a good while reading his impeccable records. Details of Acererak's conquest are found along with demographics of the city (minotaurs were apparently common) and the royal family line (Queen Napaka was the last known ruler). It's the newest tome's contents, a work in progress on the desk, that eventually breaks the quiet.

​

"Hey guys! Take a look at this!", calls Arnie.

​

They had hoped that the child and hag caretaker thing was a weird joke. Something dead yet not, fed souls by a device that collects them? Is the Soulmonger? Is the theoretical cause of the Death Curse simply a bottle for some horrific soul-eating baby? The gang discusses and aren't too pleased with their conclusions. Mr. Withers and his undead crew were simply the greeting crew. Something impossibly evil dwells below, and the Handy Hands aren't about to turn around now.

​

But we can't move on before settling in on this wondrous new business opportunity. This place could make a great ACTUAL amusement destination! Superintendent Arnie, of course. Peach, you're promoted to Level 3 manager! (DM: Peach and Papazotl conspire to climb the fantasy corporate ladder) Who wants Humanoid Resources? No? No one? Eku, perhaps? At least Sekelok is happy to be Head of Security! They'll take Chult by storm and ruin the competition!

​

"You're starting to sound like your dad, Arnie.", says Col.

​

"What? No..." The handyman stops and thinks about it. "...FUCK!" Of all the stories he has told the others of his ruthless uncaring father, he knows Col is too on point. Arnie looks at the desk of a successful leader, stands up, and walks out of the office. "C'mon guys. We've got a Death Curse to stop."

​

It's still a while until evening. Perhaps they see where these access tunnels and Mr. Withers' keys get them? The stairs from the workshop lead up to Level 1 and pop out right next to Obo'laka's tomb. Remembering that they never checked where the underground river went, they circle around to drop down through the grate where they first entered this deadly ossuary. 

​

The Starfallen glows brightly in Peach's hand, Arnie's wrench alights, and down stream they go. A rumble grows as they trudge beyond a back entrance to Moa's tomb where the source is found. A roaring waterfall tumbles over into distant depths, easily over a hundred feet below. And what's this? A big treasure chest on a ledge opposite the falls? Easy pickings for a grung monk! Kek leaps, reaches for the chest...

​

...And the chest gnashes back! Yeah. It's a mimic. It's an easy grapple as Kek grabs it by the sides to heave it over the falls... and finds out the hard way that mimics have adhesive skin, pulling a Wiley E. Coyote and accidentally throwing herself into the abyss with it. The rest look on in shock.

​

A mighty *crash* as the mimic slams into the water below. Grung headbutt! Kek's head sticks. Grung kick! A foot sticks. Another grung kick! Luckily it's all that is needed and the 'chest' breaks, singular shiny item within tumbling into the depths.

​

"Hey y'all right down here?", asks Peach, tumbling down safely with the power of her Trickster God. Kek affirms, but where are they? There's an "'Allo!" from above as Bertram descends on a rope held by the others, and the three take in their surroundings. Grey slime lines the walls and the air smells less than fresh, but otherwise it looks and sounds to be an expansive underground lake. What is that distant clanking? Machinery? What worries Bertram is the black shape under the water's surface. It's moving. Getting closer. And bigger.

​

"Time to leave. Up the rope! Hurry!", says Bertram. But it's too late. The huge shape surges and Peach fires her Wand of Wonder, a blast of air parting the water as something resembling a cross between a massive shark, a squid, and an inter-dimensional being rears up with force.

​

"WHOA WHOA HEY calm down fella!", it says. The trio stare. "It's alright! Quite a fall eh? Y'all good? Been a while since visitors! Who're y'all?"

​

"Um. Hello.", starts the historian, swinging from his rope. "I'm Bertram, this is Kek, and that is Peach." He pauses a moment. Are they exchanging friendly greetings with a giant fish monster? "So. Who might you be?"

​

"Well hi there! I'm G'lyh'rul, but it's hard for Gorra and others to say so you can call me Larry!"

​

Larry the Fish Monster. Right. Larry's trio of vertical eyes glow bright as he greets Arnie, Col, and Eku descending along the rope, Sekelok staying up top to anchor it. Kek retrieves the shiny object she saw fall from the mimic: another Manager pin! It's just a moment before Arnie notices Larry's Manager pin and conversation shifts to mundane management duties. 

​

"Handy Hands, eh? Well good ya meet y'all! Care for a tour? No worries, I'm way nicer than Other Larry. Phew, that guy!" 

​

Other Larry? It doesn't take long to figure out that Other Larry is Larry. Larry the Fish Monster has a split personality. Great. Well, may as well explore this place while on cheery terms. Peach and Arnie grab on, the rest swim along, and off they go!

​

It's a wild place. The underground lake opens up into a massive chamber curiously lit by glowing phosphorescent crabs. The ceiling is festooned with pipes, chains, and smaller gears where maintenance dwarves hang and dutifully work over three gigantic stone cogs that rise above the water to fill much of the cavern. The churn of machinery grows louder.

​

"Y'all heard of Mechanus? Plane of modrons? Neat place. Endless power. The boss pumps it in from there!"

​

The Tomb of the Nine Gods is fueled by extra-planar energies? This they'll have to see, if they can. For now though the tour ends at a dock on the far side of the lake, rowboats and diving cage attached. Amicable goodbyes are exchanged with Larry as he swims off, confirming to Bertram that this is Level 5 before disappearing in the dark.

 

Something's off with Arnie and Peach, though. All of a sudden this air is suffocating. It's water that their lungs crave. 

​

Some days you hide from an angry T-Rex. Others you casually take a wine bath for an hour in a dungeon of doom. It may be a reservoir for an alcoholic death trap, but hey, it works. Items are exchanged, Bertram IDs Devlin's old staff as one heck of a basher - a Staff of Striking - and Kek attunes, and the historian's beard-dwelling chwinga goes for a swim. When its noticed that the wine level is notably increasing, it's time to move on.

​

"We shhhhhouldgo.", slurs Kek. "I feel... diffffrnt." Grung may be impervious to alcohol poisoning, but soaking an hour in alcohol when one has permeable skin? Things get interesting! (DM: Kek is a living sponge of wine! For the next 5 (1d6) hours, their Monk subclass has changed to Way of the Drunken Master.)

​

The footsteps are heard when the gang exits through Nangnang's tomb, though the slaad is only seen by Peach. A vicious thing, yet a trapped vicious thing in that salt pentagram. Maybe it'll aid them if released? When the bard offers freedom the slaad eagerly agrees to kill Mr. Withers, but the others aren't too keen on a creature of pure chaos to be trusted as an ally.

​

"Say, what's your name again?", Peach asks.

​

"This one does not have a name!", it hisses back.

​

"How about we call him Jim?, suggests Arnie. "Jim is a friendly name! A very Handy name!"

​

"THIS ONE IS NOT JIM!"

​

No. Perhaps not. Unleashing 'Jim' is probably a terrible idea. But that doesn't stop a certain grung infused with a god of randomness and a whole lot of alcohol. With a swipe of the foot the salt circle is broken, Jim goes invisible once more, and the monster runs cackling towards the wine room. Well. That happened. Let's hope the consequences aren't theirs.

​

The music starts. Another broadcasted announcement? "*Ahem*, attention staff!", says the familiar voice of Mr. Withers. "It has been brought to my attention that a new 'Manager' has presented themselves to you. While I do commend the clever minds of our newest guests, there is no new manager... certainly not on the 6th floor!"

​

Col shrugs. The others shrug back. Dang. So much for that certain subterfuge. Guess they'll have to find out more Employees Only areas the hard way. After a mumbling Kek confirms no other secrets in Papazotl's tomb and remaining zombies are cleared, Col uses his impressive strength to lodge the magical bronze shield under the heavy exit door. Geography still feeling off, the Handy Hands check again around the grand staircase. Ah ha! A hidden door! A well designed one too, better than the one earlier. Someone really didn't want this one found. Employees Only, perhaps?

​

A stone font of water sits in the tiny room beyond. Perfect for a grung trying to get alcohol out of their system! The ripples settle and Bertram watches in fascination as the water around Kek changes. They find themselves looking through the eyes of an 'Entertainment Ambassador' as it plods around somewhere below. It stops. Something is off. Suddenly a gauntleted hand erupts from the water and goes for Kek!

​

The fight is short but intense within the confined space, pounding hits slamming down on Arnie and Kek, yet Bertram and Peach quickly discover this one's magical strengths and weaknesses. The lobster-headed thing falls slumped over the well's edge, and the water of the scrying pool goes still.

​

"We were seeing through its eyes, then it came through... its eyes?", ponders Bertram. "Did it reach through its own face?" Who knows? Some mysteries of this absurd and deadly place may simply never be known.

​

Another secret door! Yet what lies beyond is curious to Arnie. It's well lit, there's a stairway... and an undead hand skitters away out of sight. One of Mr. Withers' hands.

 

"Guys!", Arnie whispers. "Crawly hands ahead! Think we're close to Mr. Withers?"

 

The gang moves in to find two doors, both with little swinging hatches at the bases of them just big enough for severed hands to clamber in and out of. Did they just happen across Mr. Withers' base of operations? The hand-related curiosity is too much for Arnie. He sticks his head into a 'handy door'.

​

"Uh. Hello?", says the handyman. "Little hand? Where did you go?"

​

"Well well... visitors! Welcome!", comes the voice of Mr. Withers. "Isn't this quite awkward with you down there. Come on in! I would love to have a harmless chat to discuss your Tomb experiences!"

​

The Handy Hands debate in hushed whispers. Casual conversation with the person running this madhouse? This has to be a trap! But what if it's not? What knowledge is there to gain? The gang nod to each other. And in they go.

​

Books, scrolls, and assorted paperwork would be the dominant items in Mr. Withers' packed office if it weren't for the hands. A good hundred or so of the things crawl, creep, and pile up on just about near everything in here. A skeletal songbird in a cage chirps as the masked visage of Mr. Withers himself welcomes the Handy Hands in.

​

"Come in, come in! Oh just push my handy friends aside and make yourselves comfortable!"

​

It's an unexpected yet friendly conversation that follows. Here amongst a sea of hands, fellow hand aficionados talk about all things within and outside the Tomb. Question by question answers are cordially traded. After sating Mr. Wither's curiosity of who the Handy hands exactly are, it's his turn to answer regarding this place. The Tomb is as it seems and has been for a long while, though the happenings in its lowest depths are recent developments. While a "Soulmonger" isn't mentioned by name, Mr. Withers proudly announces that his master brought in something he found in the cosmos: a child of sorts. And every growing baby needs proper nutrition.

​

"After all, as master says:", Mr. Withers says cheerily while petting a hand. "Why become a god when you can make one?

​

Make a god? The Tomb's superintendent professes no knowledge of the Death Curse, but Mr. Withers takes it in with little surprise. He states that it makes sense that soul collection would have side effects. Wait, the Handy Hands think. Is that what this whole worldwide crisis is? A 'side effect'? And did they hear that right? Proper nutrition? A baby? Souls for food? When the Handy Hands press the topic and refuse Mr. Withers' offer of a tour to see something especially created for them, his posture changes.

​

"I'm saddened to say that our conversation has come to an end.", laments the superintendent. He puts a severed hand down, reaching back to push the button on his desk that plays that insidious circus music throughout the dungeon as the dozens of hands around him coalesce. "I'm afraid it has come time for you to leave... the realm of the living."

​

It's on! 

​

Withers' hands surge forward but Col is ready and waiting, his conjure animals creating a vicious pack of velociraptors that tear into the wayward appendages. Mr. Withers himself balks at the sudden change of odds and misty steps away to run for the other doorway as he calls out to unseen companions.

​

"Ready yourselves, gentlemen! We have company! Release the creation! Let's see if we can reach 1,000!"

​

Kek, Peach, and Bertram give chase to find a sprawling workshop where an imposing forge the shape of an iron maiden hisses out steam and undead dwarves quickly are readying crossbows. Withers' wall of fire cuts off Bertram from the others as the dwarves engage, the monk getting in what hits she can while the bard eyes the room's tools and machinery. More than Col can have fun with minions! It's a veritable Tim Burton movie scene as animate objects weaponizes the workshop against its owners, the dwarves and Withers immediately taking a beating from flying wrenches and walking tanks of blood.

​

Meanwhile back in the office it's a hot mess of hands as they swarm over Arnie and Sekelok. Hand after hand is ripped apart by raptors but the swarm is seemingly endless! Fingertips rake into Arnie's flesh again and again... is this how it ends? With this supreme level of irony? Col and Eku aid but it's a difficult go without injuring their allies or getting stuck themselves. Best they can do is continue to shred Arnie's assailants while using what protective magics they can.

​

"No!", Mr. Withers shouts as Peach's blood tank crushes the superintendent's body. "My work... the master..." What a turn of events! There may be dwarves and an army of hands, but their rival is down. Things are looking up!

​

Or are they?

​

The forge hisses open and a silhouette is seen in the steam. A hulking humanoid. Huge hand for a head. A huge hand, when seen in the clearing steam, has a big smiley face painted on it.

​

"...HANDY?", it calls before turning its hand/head to Kek. "HANDY!" It charges.

​

It's chaos once again as Kek and 'Mr. Handy' slam into each other, a blur of armor and limbs as dwarven crossbow bolt volleys fly. With Mr. Withers down so falls his flaming wall, allowing Bertram to run in and assist Kek with this uncomfortably customized monstrosity. A vicious smite from the historian and critical flurries of fists from the grung shaman crack the newest Entertainment Ambassador's armor and hand/head stitching, spiders falling out from within. 

​

"HAAAAANDY!", it cries... and tiny hands fly from its body in a tornado of digits that claw at Bertram, Kek, and Peach. A few dwarves downed Peach turns her objects on the abomination as Col runs in, reasonably sure that his raptors and Arnie can finish off the hand swarm now that Sekelok is free. Moments later the handyman joins, looking rough but ready to help.

​

"You're FIRED!", Arnie shouts, scorching rays burning a remaining dwarf. Only two left!

​

As horrendous as the thing might be, this Mr. Handy is no match for this crew's fury. A spell shot from Col and a killer critical hit from Bertram sets up Kek, who smashes down her new staff with all her might. One last moan of "Handy..." is cried as it falls to its knees, hand/head seams fully splitting to rain out a disturbing amount of skittering spiders as Peach and her objects make quick work of the remaining two dwarves.

 

A hush falls over the halls of the Tomb of the Nine Gods. Gore, undead flesh, escaping spiders, and a ridiculous amount of hands litter the floors. Yet the correct Hands still stand, victorious against the dark parodies of their chosen symbol.

​

​

(Level 12 achieved! Mr. Withers is disposed of and the first three levels of the Tomb of the Nine Gods are largely explored! But what lurks further below? What terrors await? And what dark scheme is the creator of this place up to?) 

​

"Nope. Together. Hey wait!", exclaims the handyman, the druid shifting into a jaculi and springing into the room beyond. That large stone block above the room's entrance is clearly meant to trap someone inside! Sure, sure, they'd agreed 'together', but the room with the pretty checkerboard floor and golden sarcophagus that smells of wine is too intriguing! After one last call from Arnie to leave with the others, Col investigates alone. After all, shouldn't a manager inspect? Especially when newly hosting the strong and fearless Kubazan?

​

Coiled on a pillar Snake-Col inspects. A sun symbol on a gold casket? Huh. Doesn't match any Trickster God iconography. Orvex is something of a cultural scholar, but after looking with Col's approval even the Thayan scribe is stumped. Well. No worries in opening it! The lid is creaked open... but there's no remains. Just a single wooden plaque. When the magical sunlight shining down hits it the words are clear to read: 'Drown Your Sorrows'. The stone block starts to grind down. Run! 

​

The buff druid makes it out. The scholar not so much. With a screech and a sickening *crunch*, the block crushes Orvex underneath, only a single arm stretching outward into the hall. Bertram, Peach, Kek, and Arnie storm back.

​

"DAMN IT!", shouts Arnie. "We had agreed to go TOGETHER!" The sight of a thoroughly flat Orvex is a distant concern to the breach of teamwork. "Well... I guess he was pretty old...", Arnie admits of the Thayan, who insisted he was just in his 40s.

​

Kek nods. Over 40? That's ancient in grung years! Sekelok's offer to dispose of the remaining arm by consumption is denied and each pay their tribute in their own ways, culminating in a flaming pancake cremation as the sound of rushing liquid slows beyond the stone block. Words said, the Handy Hands move on. How about that 'Employees Only' room?

​

Around the donut-like tunnel to where the trapped checkerboard room should be, the door sits. Maybe daunting for a non-employee, but the Tomb of Annihilation's newest manager has the pin to prove their rank! The door easily opens for Col. What lies beyond is, if anything, a perversion. Undead dwarven maintenance staff relax on old sofas, gossip near moldering water coolers, get served fleshy snacks by severed hands... and all turn to stare.

​

"So on your tenner or your halfie?", says Col, droll and casual as can be.

​

"Like... ten DAYer?", responds a dwarf, then noticing Belchorzh's old 'manager' pin on the druid. "Oh! You new here?"

​

"Oh, yep, yep. New 6th floor manager. But you know these hiring practices, right? Hire a floor manager for a floor when its STILL off limits... so here I am, stuck wandering until it's ready. Bureaucracy and upper management, hey, am I right?"

​

A grumble of agreement goes up. Nothing like blue collar bonding with the undead working class! Welcomed right in along with Col's 'enslaved servants' (The Handy Hands trying their best not to look awkward) much and more is learned. Turns out this side of the circular hall is the 'Mirror Tomb', which the tomb's supervisor and their minions use as a design playground. The golden sarcophagus room is a fake tomb and indeed trapped to heck with massive vats of wine that flood it. Strange goodbyes are said, and the gang wanders out.

​

What a place. Dead gods, insidious traps, joyful themes, freaky witches... and workers' rights? Huh. Col pops off the pin. It's not exactly his desired career choice or business structure. Peach and Arnie debate who should be the new manager (more like Wongo and Moa argue) until it falls in Bertram's lap, the historian shrugging and adopting the role for now.

​

So this so-called Mirror Tomb seems exactly that: A near-copy of the Tomb of the Nine Gods. A bit less dusty and reeking of rot and with an odd blinking 'Under Construction' sign or two, but the same otherwise. It gets the newest manager thinking: maybe this will allow them to figure out the Whack-a-Zombie door? Indeed they figure it out shortly. The zombies are tied to chain pulleys! It gives Bertram and Arnie an idea.

​

Back out to the "real" Tomb, the smell of wine hits hard. Looks like all that flooding alcohol rushed out when the block that crushed Orvex retracted. Avoiding the poor Thayan's flattened corpse for the stairwell they find the zombies once again. One quick turn undead later, the heavy door lifts upward and the gang waltzes right in.

​

Six large glass cauldrons brimming with humanoid bones line the walls of a large room, the rear wall displaying four bronze statues of Chultan warriors flanking a big engraved shield. In the middle stands a chariot with a bronze sarcophagus strewn with treasure atop. The checkerboard room may have confounded, but here the imagery is clear as day. A tall long-legged bird with a narrow and sharp beak. This must be Papazotl's tomb!

​

"Kek, wait!", shouts Peach. But it's too late. While not a rival to the grung Trickster God Nangnang, Papazotl is an eblis, a large sentient bird species that doesn't have much more than contempt for amphibians. Kek leaps on top of the bronze casket and spits. The room rumbles. The glass cauldrons glow... and skeletons erupt outward!

​

Pfft. Skeletons? Glass cauldrons? No problem! Col's erupting earth quickly shows that both are highly vulnerable to bludgeoning forces. This could be a wild death trap of an overwhelming amount of skeletons for those caught unprepared, but the desert druid figured out "break the cauldrons!" in seconds. One by one the gang makes the rounds, Kek smashing two with her fists and Peach shattering a third. That big shield though... is it moving?

​

*ZAP*! A javelin of pure energy is thrown out of the shield by its occupant, an etched figure of a fifth Chultan warrior. *ZAP* again! Kek takes a blast followed by Peach - its clear that the skeletons are the lesser threat. This thing hurts! As Arnie and Col fend off skeletons Bertram gets close. There's Chultan writing around the warrior on the shield. 'Bow Before No One'.

​

It's Papazotl's motto as seen above in Omu, but is it a riddle? If only it wasn't mid-combat and there was time to solve it! A fourth cauldron is shattered then a fifth as more skeletons crawl out, Sekelok and Eku doing their best to help Arnie and Col as more bones rush at them. The shield blasts Bertram before he can jump aside to look for clues, then suddenly it hits him.

​

Four statues. One with no face. It is 'No One'. The historian bows. The shield warrior immediately turns away. 

​

"The statue!", Bertram calls. "It's 'No One'! Bow before 'No One' and the trap can't see you!"

​

Skeletons mostly smashed the Handy Hands rush over and bow one by one. But not Kek! No! She'll never bow for Papazotl! The others beg but the grung won't give in. With a roll of the eyes Col - swole to the max with Kubazan's power - rips the whole shield off the wall and plunks it face down. There. Problem solved.

​

Something does catch the eye in the bone-strewn aftermath. One smashed by Kek was similar to the two skeletons with weird geometric heads seen on other floors. The first triangle-shaped, the second a pentagon, and this one a square. Go figure! May as well throw the skull in her basket with the other two.

​

Then comes the question of Papazotl. Do they trust Sekelok with a known conniving deity? Do they risk pairing the spirit with Eku, who isn't quite exactly humanoid? Ultimately Peach speaks up. Wongo has been... "fun", but maybe a clever god is better than a destructive one? Sarcophagus opened, giant bird skull played with, and Papazotl's charmed item identified by Bertram, the bard goes for it. It's a war in her mind as the eblis and su-monster spirits psychically thrash, yet in the end an evil monkey spirit is shunted out and back into its horrible mace.

​

Oh yes... now they will do as we command., croons the smooth voice of Papazotl in Peach's head.

​

"Bertram, I'll be taking that 'manager' pin now.", Peach says imperiously. "We all know it's for the best."

​

"Uh. Do we really think that's the best choice?", asks Col as Bertram pulls away slightly.

​

"Excuse me, WHO was the manager when Orvex got killed?", she retorts. Col goes quiet. "That's right. Hand it over."

​

"I miss the old Peach!", shouts Arnie. "The Peach I used to do drugs with and party!" Bertram shrugs. Rather than argue the historian hands over the pin before treasure is gathered into Col's Portable Hole. (DM: Enter Papazotl! Intelligent yet convinced of superiority, this Trickster God encourages Peach to lord over her comrades. We may have created a monster.)

​

After their first act as manager to pull of a slick side drop (Papazotl's host can't take falling damage!) Peach shows off her newfound cleverness: a secret door out of here! The geography of this floor had been bugging Kek and Bertram for a while and here at least is a partial answer. But what lies beyond? A shimmering bottle in a cobweb-filled corridor? Ah hah, a literal genie in a bottle! Surely Peach's command of the situation will be appreciated! Dust swirls as an earthen djinn manifests.

​

"Greetings.", says Peach. "I am Pe'charillimeas, and these are my loyal servants. I ask for reward for your freedom." Perhaps there's a wish or three to come from this! There's a moment where the genie seems impressed. But just a moment.

​

"And I am Keshma of the Earthen Realm. You speak as if clever, but do not the stories of your land say to barter with a genie BEFORE you free them? You have my thanks and that is all. Now I leave this insipid tomb. FAREWELL." A puff of smoke, a shift of reality, and the genie is gone. Peach is speechless. Bertram snorts.

​

We're bored!, hears Kek in her mind, and the grung shaman is soon off through the corridor where another tomb lies. The reek of brimstone and a large pentagram of salt surround yet another sarcophagus. It's nefariously foreboding, but those symbols and miniature figures on the lid? Grung! Dancing grung! This must be Nangnang's tomb!

 

A quick hop to the lid and... searing pain as claws rake down Kek's back, a demonic frog-like creature cackling as it appears. She's not in there alone! Twice more the thing slashes with its spines and nearly brings Kek down as the rest sprint to assist. Yet only Bertram and Peach are close enough to act, the historian summoning a Shadowfell nightmare in range to distract. With a sudden *pop* things end as quickly as they began. Where stood a slaad now waddles a tortoise. Polymorph saves the day again! May as well loot the tomb quickly and leave, right?

​

When Col moves the lid aside with ease there's a bit of a surprise. No bones! Seems that this Acererak fellow cremated Nangnang instead and here within lies an urn. What about that big egg next to it, though? Kek knows it all too well. It's a grung egg! Petrified, but a grung egg nonetheless. It has to be Nagnang's item. Compulsion over thought, she goes for it.

​

Nangnang greets! Hello!, the croaking voice sounds in Kek's mind. Nangnang will help you now! Or not. With a thrash of spectral rabbit feet and a sound NO NO NO!, I'jin's spirit briefly manifests to beat back the grung-shaped slimy tendril emerging from the egg and... that's that. No Nangnang hosting today, it seems. Maybe another time.

​

After Col stashes the urn (which strangely gives off a very strong compulsion to violently dance) and Kek grabs a potion, they look to where Bertram and Arnie are waving them over. They found a tunnel! Smells of wine and seems to lead to the room that flooded, but maybe there's a safe spot ahead? Indeed, all crawl in to find what looks to be one of the reservoirs from which massive amounts of wine flowed out of hours earlier. And look! There's just enough warm wine left to treat it like a strange alcoholic hot tub!

 

Short rest inside a wine vat? Sure. Why not? It's been a strange few months in this land of Chult. This probably doesn't even breach the Top 5 of Oddest Places The Handy Hands Have Taken a Break, anyway. 

​

Peach and Kek flank either side of the hall branching off of the grand staircase, peeking in on their prey and awaiting the signal. Two burly 'entertainment ambassadors' - one a mockery of a pirate and the other a firenewt - stand inert with a thick chain attaching their rusted breastplates. The signal starts as a spark.

 

*Ka-FOOM*! Arnie's fireball detonates and the ambush is on! Yet as Kek runs in it's already clear that their surprise attack is slightly awry: the explosion slagged the binding chain and sent them both immediately into berserk rages, shaking their fists bearing blade-covered gauntlets. The pirate monster surges with energy as it absorbs the heat while the newt one lulls its head confusedly. Ah. Like the other two fought the day before! Energy weaknesses and strengths. Adapt and roll with it!

​

The grung shaman leads the pirate 'mascot' away and locks into defense mode as a herd of velociraptors and a weeping angel manifest, summoned by Col and Bertram respectively. As suspected, when the angel's iced blade cuts into the firenewt-headed abomination it charges with frozen energy. Damn! In response it unleashes a cone of cold that tears through six of eight of the raptors and wounding the angel.

 

Fire blasts missing, Arnie runs in right behind Sekelok as Peach grows huge and simian in front of them... A 50-foot ape! Hanging from the grand staircase Peach Kong rips off a chunk of bannister and whips it into the distant pirate horror. It's no good - only magic seems to work! Frustrated she shifts back, rounding the corner to join Sekelok and a pivoting Kek in engaging the firenewt along with Col, Bertram, and the summons.

​

With the eager bard running in to melt both enemies with a destructive wave, the pirate turns around to find its attackers grouped and finally unleash its charged fire energy. Fireball, directly on the Handy Hands! The firenewt-headed creature drops soon after but not before getting a crushing blow on Peach with a bladed fist, the bard crumpling in a heap as Kek and Bertram work frantically to injure and distract their remaining enemy. Luckily Col and Eku save the day just in time with their respective healing spirit and celestial magics, and the companions converge on the stitched mockery of a pirate. A flurry of blows and spells later, the hall goes quiet.

​

That... was something. Not an easy fight, but enough to show that something deadly can be overcome with teamwork. Decently healed by Col, the gang takes stock. Arnie? All out of spells! Col? Bertram? Just a small handful between them! Eku? Her divine energy has largely been depleted for the day. Perhaps up ahead there's a defensible spot to stop for the night? They proceed cautiously, Kek opening a door to find a curious tapestry while Col examines a large room to the right.

​

"Kek?", calls the desert druid, spying a large sarcophagus and a familiar engraved beast. "Which god is the froghemoth?"

​

The shaman's eyes alight. Kubazan's tomb! Surely the mightiest of the Trickster Gods would come to their aid!

​

But how to proceed? Four frescoes show scenes of tribute to the mighty froghemoth, and four clay frog masks adorn the walls, but after I'jin's tomb of floor tiles and locusts is this clue legit or a trick? Bertram confirms the masks aren't either magical or trapped. Do they really just enact the scenes of tribute? Col inspects the frescoes further. Offer coins. Light a candle. Eat a bug. Perform a blood sacrifice.

​

"Okay. I think we got this. Bertram? Do you have coins to offer?" The historian nods. "Arnie, here, light this candle. Kek, uh... eat that dead cockroach?" Not the grung's favorite, but she'll do it. The last scene is tricky - an animal sacrifice. Tricky, that is, if you're not a shapeshifting druid. "Peach, take this knife. Murder me."

​

With a squeak Col becomes rat-Col, casually laying over a brass bowl in front of the murals. Masks on! Bertram drops five coins - a soft hum comes from the sarcophagus. Candle lit and bug eaten - two more hums. Peach's plunges the dagger into rat-Col's belly, who comedically *bamfs* back into human form with knife in chest, and a final hum sounds. *click*.

​

Kek nods to Col. Only one Handy Hand has yet to host a god. A broad metal-buckled belt made out of perpetually damp amphibian hide sits inside the sarcophagus over massive frog bones. The druid goes for it. The rest watch in amazement as Col's back and arms, muscle by muscle, grow to incredible size. The druid 'Hulks' out. It's for-real this time. It's Swole Col!

​

OOH YEEEAH!, shouts a booming voice in Col's head. WE'RE GONNA HELP YA NOW BROTHER! LET'S GO KICK ZOMBIE BUTT AND PUNCH A THIN MAN IN THE FACE OOOOOOH!

​

Col winces. So do the others. OBO'LAKA, YOU WEIRD LITTLE BEAR-THING! Kubazan is so telepathically loud that his 'voice' bleeds into their brains as well as the Trickster God of chaotic strength greets his fellow minor deities. Loud maybe, but a fourth god along for the ride may be helpful, right? (DM: Kubazan joins the guest list! Col is incredibly ripped, but now for better or worse knows no fear. That wrestler's belt is also great for ramming and breaking things!)

​

"What a great spot to settle in for the night!", announces Arnie. " You know, Peach asking about my parents earlier reminded me of a story! It all began at a party back in Baldur's Gate before I was born..."

​

It's only a few minutes in to the world's most boring story when Kek, Bertram, and Col slowly sneak away to check out the odd tapestry that the grung had mentioned. Anything is better than enduring this! The scene of Chultan nobles feasting around a banquet table is clearly a big curtain with more room beyond. A familiar "Bwah!" sound as the curtain is pulled aside reveals another skeleton with a weird head, dashing for the door! Or at least tries to. A timely primal savagery from Col rips its skull from its body, the rest of its bones clattering to the floor in a heap.

​

Where the first had an almost bio-mechanical looking triangular head, this one has five sides. Huh. Best save the skull, Kek thinks, stashing it along with the other. It's the second most interesting bone of the day, behind the very femur of Kubazan himself that she took to use as a club of course.

​

"Please do not disturb the skeletal Park Operations Journeymen!", announces Mr. Withers. "Thank you!"

​

A second tapestry is behind the first: the same scene, but now fallen to depravity. Nobles fight and argue, some nakedly interact on the feast table, others sprawl in their own vomit. And behind the second tapestry is a third. It's a scene of horror as nobles and servants eat each other alive, the boar in the center of the table now wide-eyed and laughing.

​

"Gah! It's terrible!", exclaims Bertram. "I've seen enough!", says a disgusted Peach, the pair of them walking out as a confused Arnie arrives wondering where his story's listeners have wandered off to. Just in time for the final reveal.

​

Behind the final curtain Kek finds the huge rotting head of the very boar from the table, maggots in its eye sockets, tusks dripping with gore... and a strange compulsion for her, Arnie, and Col to stick their heads in its mouth. A compulsion, thankfully, just barely resisted. Whatever unexpected honesty there is in Kubazan's tomb, the corruption lies here next door. All opt to vacate the sordid scene before tempting fate any further. It's time for rest. Finally.

​

Well, for most. It's been dry times for an amphibian, and Kek needs to soak! The watery tide room is a relaxing enough place to hydrate for an hour for herself and Bertram. Until she finds herself alone. Bertram?

​

Blackness! The feeling of rough fabric being stitched over his neck as multiple creatures brush across his face! No! Fight it! The historian rips the bag free...

​

... And finds himself in the woods. Lynched corpses hang all around, each with bags over their heads. Squirming bags. Teleportation?, thinks Bertram. No. A nightmare. He thinks of the thin purple-skinned arms that he saw for a split second before being literally pulled into the wall he was leaning on, then of Arnie's bad dream a day earlier. A hag's nightmare.

​

If it's a bad dream, then dream logic must lead outwards. The large doorway between tangled branches seems the obvious way out, but the limbless twitching ogre in front of it is disconcerting. Especially the words 'KEY INSIDE' carved on its chest.

​

Even the ogre has a sack over its head, and this one, like the others, is occasionally writhing with animal noises. Nightmare be damned, he must see. He must know. He tears open the bag to see not a head, but a serpent, a small dog, and a chicken-like bird stitched inside over a headless stump, all three animals fleeing to the woods. This is upsetting enough - forget going for the 'key inside'! A lockpick of the door finds it was never locked at all. And within? Blood. A wall of blood.

​

The blood rushes out as thin purple arms reach out to pull Bertram inward, immediately producing a needle and thread to start sewing his mouth shut. Agamaya!, he thinks. The sentient weapon does not summon! He fights and wrestles with the emaciated hag who he now sees also has a burlap sack in place of a head, a cacophony of screeching animal noises within as she continues to sew his lips until he gives one final desperate push away -

​

A hand had brushed up against Kek's as she inspected the wall. Not today, witch. But if Bertram was pulled into this wall, how to pull him out? She turns to the sound of the room's watery curtain surging to find it tinted blood red - and a historian shooting out of it.

​

"The Sewn Sisters.", Bertram gasps, covered in water-thinned blood. "I think I have met the second of their coven." 

​

"... And that's the story of how I was conceived!", finishes Arnie, as Bertram and Kek return. A story happily missed. 

​

*         *         *
 

No undead assaults. No freakish hags in their dreams. Wouldn't you believe it, a largely undisturbed long rest! There's always ways to die in here while awake, they suppose. Now, let's head back up and see what was skipped on Level 2.

​

When rattling chains signals the arrival of three zombie mugs protruding from three face-sized holes in the second level's southern door, Arnie, Peach, and Kek can't help but stab and/or bonk them whack-a-mole style. 'Stab-a-Head' is fun. Gets a little old, though. The undead buggers just keep coming back for more. How about that eastern hall?

​

A corpse. A weird hybrid goat-man corpse. Kek calls the others up to the four-way intersection where the gang quickly finds out that the northern and southern tunnels, which appear to arc upwards, actually have their own unique gravity. The goat-man confounds until Bertram has a look. He knows him. So do most of them.

​

"It's Devlin. The Company of the Yellow Banner's wizard.", the historian says. The guy always kind of looked like a goat. Nowhere near to this extreme, though. Bertram parses through the dead adventurer's possessions as Arnie and Kek respectively walk north and south to test out the tunnels' odd curve and gravity...

​

... And see each other again? It's a circle!(DM: Think 2001: A Space Odyssey's space station!) But why do they see the tomb's grand central staircase again? Stranger yet, before the end of the hall was a dark open chamber. Now it's a closed door? Most strange of all is the door's sign: 'EMPLOYEES ONLY'. Surely something to investigate later.

​

By the time the pair return the others are considering Devlin's staff, spell book, and most notably his journal. Finally some details of what happened to their fellow adventuring crew, even if the details are grim. After running afoul of Ras Nsi the Company were thrown in here with only limited gear, and one by one they fell after being separated.

 

A sad fate the Handy Hands have no interest in repeating. Together, they move onward.

​

"I'm sorry to leave you in a hole.", says Arnie down to the angel as it lights a pipe of pungent herb.

​

"Hey man, it's okay!", the very Lebowski angel responds over wailing screams. "It happens. Divine rules and all that." Eku nods knowingly. Nearby the third summon from the previous battle, a hapless rat, frantically scampers for an exit.

​

"Sorry. Uh, ya, I'll just take that thing over here and scout...", says Bertram, instructing his summoned screaming nightmare down the hall to give the others a bit of quiet. He's got an hour for the beast. The rat's real enough but no worry of theirs. The angel though? Looks like that celestial is stuck around for a full 8 hours!

​

Bertram returns shortly to inform of what's ahead: A door with a round mirror and ten sockets large enough for eyeballs. And guess whose found ten gem eyes since waking up this morning?! The whole thing reeks of 'something scary ahead' and the Handy Hands aren't about to risk it without resting first. A few heals, one secret connecting passage opened, another sighting of undead dwarven maintenance, and one unsummoned nightmare later, it's time to see what's up with that door.

​

An invisible Arnie approaches with eye gems in hand, Bertram and Sekelok holding the rope around the handyman's waist as the rest wait on guard. The first eye fits in a socket! A second, a third, a fourth... everything seems uneventful - hold up. Every new eye socketed, the safety rope looks more and more deteriorated in the door's central mirror. Returning to the rest and returning to visibility Arnie scopes it out. Huh. The rope looks fine. So does he. Welp! Back to socketing! 

​

Back around the corner he freezes. A nearly-dead Arnie stares back from the mirror. Nope, don't like that - invisibility once again! With no ill effects other than a reflection of advancing decay, the rest of the eye gems go in one by one. The door grinds down into the floor to reveal a large domed chamber beyond.

​

Polished marble floors. Something large and spherical floating under a black cloth in the center. And treasure! So much treasure! Thousands and thousands of coins and shiny objects sit in alcoves circling the round room, all seemingly without any obvious threat. Kek is brave enough to step in and out. A very slick floor, but besides that nothing scary. Obo'laka worries about 'eyeball monsters' in Bertram's mind as he confirms both the floor and whatever is under the cloth is magical, but still, no obvious threat.

​

Then Peach steps forward, her eyes drawn upward. The bard freezes. There - invisibile and only known to her due to her Robe of Eyes - is a horrific creature of eyes and flesh leering down with a spreading grin.

​

"Arnie...", she softly says to the handyman, who's all ready to go in and loot. "Step away, outside the door, real slow-like..."

​

After gathering her companions far around a corner, Peach explains. A huge... thing! Made of eyeballs! Waiting to murder whoever falls to its trap! Bertram thinks of old horror stories he has read and recalls beholders, which fits but is far from a comfort. So what's the plan? Calmly and quietly walk away? Yes!, most agree. But there's just one problem.

​

Influenced by I'jin, Kek never sticks to a plan.

​

The gang can hardly react before the grung monk sprints full speed into the round chamber and leaps for the black fabric in the center. The cloth sloughs off to reveal a large iron sphere... which hums with energy and *WHOMP*, Kek finds herself immediately yanked by her metal belt and stuck to it. It's a huge magnet! A gurgling cackle is heard from somewhere above as three beams sear into her skin, two resisted yet one rotting flesh before Kek can use the belt to dimension door back out into the hall. Magically slick floors, a massive magnet, and an INVISIBLE beholder? Nope!

​

"We gotta get this door closed again!", shouts Arnie, but he and Bertram soon find it futile and pull back to find solace in the handyman's pocket pancakes. A voice comes from within.

​

"Hah! You fight like flumphs!", the unseen villain calls, weaponizing purple mold nearby to manifest an eye and fire another beam. Looks like there's no escape now. Great! The chaos of Wongo grabs Peach for a moment and she steps forward to fire a random blast from the Wand of Wonder - a lightning bolt! The beholder shrieks as electricity washes its body, briefly outlining what Peach sees to the rest. That's it! Reveal it any way possible! Time to kill an eyeball monster!

​

As Kek wheelhouse kicks where the air still crackles and Col lobs a fiery projectile upward, Peach drops Wongo's mace to walk in without metal on her to make the nine alcoves to come alive with animate object. Crowns, masks, gold statues, and piles of coin all spring to life... and promptly get stuck to the big magnet. D'oh! This orb is clearly a huge problem.

​

"Arnie, I could use a hand here!", Bertram calls back. His eldritch blasts are slowly cracking the floating magnet but at this rate it'll take all day. The handyman sighs. He was JUST about to enjoy a pocket pancake snack break when his friends decided to go all in on an apparent boss battle. Fine, fine. He'll help. But don't think pancakes aren't afterwards!

​

"I need a ranged weapon!", grumbles a frustrated Sekelok. "Give me one! You!" Arnie shrugs. "You!" Bertram shrugs. "You?" Col hands Sekelok his blow dart gun, the hulking yuan-ti comically failing with a little dart vs. a beholder. "Bah! Useless!", he says, throwing the little tube and stomping away.

​

Another salvo of skin-melting rays from the unseen foe force Kek to retreat, leaving Peach exposed. An unsuccessful faerie fire and her sole non-metal object - a little clay chameleon - attempt to locate the beholder but earns its ire, with more eye beams searing out to wound Peach. That chameleon gives Col an idea though: Flood the area with non-metal summons! One upcasted conjure animals later the room is a seething mass of Chultan flying snakes that all beeline (DM: clever use of Blind Sight from both Peach and Col!) to essentially outline where the floating monstrosity is. There you are, sneaky bastard.

​

"No! No one reveals Belchorzh the Unseen!", the snake-swarmed beholder shrieks. And an all-out artillery war commences.

​

Eye rays fire left and right as Arnie and Bertram chip away at the massive magnet, Col's ice knife tears into beholder skin, and flying snakes and chameleon bite deep. (DM: Little does the gang know how crazy lucky they're getting with saves, as a lot of the resisted eye beams are paralyzing or petrifying!) Seeing a healed up Kek running back into the fray Peach lines up the Wand of Wonder again: another lightning bolt! It fries half of Col's snakes, but the beholder is briefly lit up again just in time for the grung to jump right at its main eye...

​

*Ker POW!* Stunning Strike! Time to take this thing out! The Handy Hands go all in on nuking, Bertram getting a bit too eager and getting himself stuck to the magnet for an... actually somewhat convenient new firing position. Stunned, this 'Belchorzh the Unseen' can only drool as Peach viciously mocks it with, um, vicious mockery.

​

"Good thing you're invisible, 'cause YOU UGLY!", she shouts. A lowbrow blow, but the beholder's ego shatters as badly as its skull and chunks of now-visible viscera spray across the chamber. Handy Hands 1, Eyeball Jerk 0!

​

"You alright in there, man?", calls the stuck angel from far down the hall.

​

"Yeah! Yeah dude! We're good!", Arnie responds. He's covered in beholder brain matter, but never has a pancake break sounded so fine! There's a familiar hum of tinny circus music as the Tomb's magical P.A. system activates once again.

​

"Well, well. It seems Belchorzh's management style finally did him in!", announces Mr. Withers. "I suppose congratulations are in order, despite the mess? Don't worry, there are still many wonderfully deadly traps - err, rides - out there designed to improve your Tomb experience. I look forward to- hey, get off of there-"

​

The gang blinks. Huh. Not the first time Mr. Withers seemingly has a cat on his keyboard, so to speak. Well. How about this room? As Bertram and Sekelok smash the magnetic orb Arnie notices the purple fungus all over this level getting particularly soupy. Good, that gross stuff is finally going away, even if it does mean Col's jar pet is also losing cohesion. Speaking of the druid, Col emerges victoriously from what remains of the beholder's body with a shiny new brass pin:

 

'MANAGER'. Of course it reads that. Col sticks it to his studded vest. There's a new manager in town.

​

And what great wealth otherwise! After Peach's animated creatures settle down a tally is taken of the beholder's hoard. Oh my. If they can get out of here alive, this is far more than enough to comfortably retire on or maybe start up a legit business.

 

But that's neither here nor there. First some rest and healing is desperately needed. That battle could have went WAY worse and the Handy Hands are very aware. Kek in particular. She considers I'jin's horn embedded in her bone mask. The Trickster Gods are her gods, but maybe the wily almiraj isn't for her. I'jin's influence nearly got her and her allies killed! There doesn't seem to be a way to purge a god's spirit, but with any luck maybe they'll find another Trickster God's spirit to push I'jin out.

 

Now, what next? After casually resting and smoking up with the Lebowski angel, the Handy Hands take the long way back to the central staircase. There, off to the left, are the two chained 'entertainment ambassadors' seen earlier. Despite a rough day so far, fire pumps in their veins. Enough of stumbling into traps alone. If they can defeat an invisible beholder and his slippery magnetic room, they can punk a couple of undead horrors.

​

So they plan their ambush. As a team. As one. The five fingers of this 'hand' curl into a fist.

​

"Want some food, little guy?", says Col, offering a ration morsel to the little eye on a stalk emerging from the purple mold he collected into a glass jar. The eye blinks.

​

Sure. Why not keep some of the weird eyeball mold as a pet? After all, interacting violently didn't go so well. Kek's attempt to destroy a patch of the stuff caused a larger eyeball to emerge and fire a ray at her, the grung now paralyzed frozen.

​

"I will carry the pitiful frog person!", declares Sekelok, stepping forward upon the agreeing shrugs of the Handy Hands, only to hilariously fumble around with the greased-down Kek before she regains mobility. Well. That was fun while it lasted. How about a short rest in that isolated chamber between the tiny passages before continuing on?

​

As Col experiments and Kek incorporates I'jin's Horn into her headdress, the others peek beyond to see what Kek's familiar saw a bit earlier. Long room, deep pit, floating wooden platforms... another fun "ride", Arnie hopes, though Peach isn't too keen on it. Bertram notes that the fiendish statue at their end of the chamber has articulated fingers on its clenched fists - something's in those hands. As they turn to leave Peach catches a distant view of a wandering skeleton with a weird shaped head... Hmm. So there's more than one of them.

​

Around an hour later it's agreed: Head toward this level's center and regain bearings. But what's a plan without I'jin's compulsion to break it? No sooner has Col started to lead the way when a certain horned rabbit god speaks in Kek's mind. Let's go jump on platforms! Let's pull that lever! It'll be fun!, I'jin says to her, and the grung is off! Col sighs.

​

Bertram, Arnie, and Peach chase to the platform chamber just in time for a distant Kek to yank a lever down. *WOOSH*! Winds crash at a skull-shattering volume that's enough to drive one out of their mind. And indeed they do! Apparitions appear to Peach, Arnie becomes highly suggestable, and Kek drops in a drooling heap. Bertram shrugs, looking up to see the statue's fists opened up to reveal two more eyeball-like gems to add to their collection. Eight of these things now?

​

Enough of this room's tomfoolery. Col and the others await behind.

 

"C'mon, guys. This funhouse just keeps getting less fun.", says Arnie. Hopefully Kek can find their own way out.

​

Minutes pass. The winds died down, but where's that grung? The others sigh. May as well do a bit of cursory exploration while they wait. The central staircase is found, confirming that this indeed is the third level down, along with another plaque of riddles. Those first three lines would have been useful a few hours ago, but so it goes. Hey. Where's Col?

​

Having a feeling that they know where Kek went, the druid had shifted into snake form to slither down a tiny passage in the assumed direction. A steel door resembling a minotaur's head blocks the way, but sure enough, the sounds of a frog person fumbling in the dark come from the other side. There she is! Easy enough for a little snake to squeeze through a minotaur's eye hole, where Kek shows Col the curiosity she had found beyond. An upward slanted hall ending at a hole in the floor, and a barrel-shaped room below? Interesting.

​

"I don't know. Do we go in?", asks Kek. I'jin has been bugging her inside her head to be highly impulsive, but after a string of unfortunate outcomes she's beginning to lose faith in this particular Trickster God. The shapeshifted snake, though, nods its head and slides down. The grung deftly follows. There's a *shunk* as the hole magically closes behind them.

​

And that's when the circus music starts.

​

An invisible Arnie is just back from scouting out a hall guarded by two chained 'entertainment ambassadors' when the music loudly broadcasts across the floor. "Dangit!", he says exasperatedly to Peach and Bertram. It's quickly hitting the handyman that maybe this theme park isn't for their amusement. "We can't keep splitting up! We're going to talk about this later!"

​

Round and round they go, spikes emerging and flames spewing as the entire round room Col and Kek find themselves trapped in the world's worst Gravitron experience! There's a door with three conspicuous keyholes, but the grung shaman quickly finds that bones and knives are no substitution for a quality lockpick set. When Col loses his footing and impales on a spike, the druid has had enough. Over a month ago the Merchant Prince Wakanga gifted him a Portable Hole, and it's high time to finally use it!

​

"Kek! Jump in?", shouts Col, slapping the cartoonish magical hole on the floor. The grung shakes her head. "Welp. Suit yourself." The druid jumps right in, his arms emerge to grab the hole's edges and crumple the fabric up and himself out of planar existence, happy to ride out this crap like a shirt in a laundromat dryer. (DM: I... just... incredible. Citizen Kane clap.)

​

Flames and spikes and flames! Can Kek survive? The shaman monk runs mad Sonic 'gotta go fast' loops as Peach, Bertram, and Arnie scramble to locate their friends. They find their route through the minotaur door (actually found to be a giant guillotine blade when lifted... yikes!), but it's sealed off! The historian quickly determines the sealed hole is magical, but Peach sees even more with her Robe of Eyes: another monstrous 'mascot', watching the scene below and operating a lever.

​

It waves. She waves back.

​

Peach's Wand of Wonder loaned from Arnie doesn't do the trick (DM: but it does make flowers!), but Bertram's dispel magic does. The barrel room winds down, flames cease, spikes retract, and a badly burnt grung is seen next to a pile of black fabric. A rope lowers.

​

"Okay! Everyone up! Get up here! We need to TALK." Uh oh. Is it Arnie Dad Talk Time?

​

Peach rolls her eyes. "What? Are you going to tell us another episode of your childhood trauma? What even is your dad's name, anyway?" (DM: Sick burn points +1)

​

"What?! No. And it's 'Mr. Lambert', okay?", Arnie says. "Look guys. This isn't fun, and these rides SUCK! The Handy Hands gotta stick together!" The handyman goes on for a bit and it's a side the others haven't seen much of in Arnie. He's not only angry, which is rare, but there's a fear in his voice that hasn't really been there since Krenko's passing. Maybe he can be delusional about this whole jungle 'vacation', but there's an earnestness in this moment. The others listen. It's a good point.

​

Duly noted and agreed. But they're here now, and, well, may as well continue this way right? Kek sure made a mess of the triple-locked door, though. Maybe they can bash it down? Might work. Except for the fact that Bertram and Kek are about your two least buff door bashers. It's a humiliating few tries until the burly yuan-ti Sekelok steps forward to force it open.

​

Two statues overlook a pit with a third statue and a chest within, though the grung shaman quickly finds out that a magical forcefield covers the pit. Though a devout follower of Lathander, Arnie knows these depictions: they're Azuth and Torm, two other well-known gods. "Right the gods...", Bertram chimes in, remembering the plaque stanza. The two with statues seem to rotate, and there's an empty third platform. Peach and Bertram wonder together: what if they rotate them right?

​

Why not?! Col stands on the empty platform as both Arnie and Peach spin their god statues 90 degrees. With a rush of air, suddenly Col is in the pit and the third statue is where he was... but it's no statue! It swings wildly at the nearby Orvex as Bertram recoils. Rotate! Again! A moment later Col is back up and the animated clay "statue" is back in the pit and inactive.

​

"Okay...", starts Bertram. "Maybe Orvex this time?" The linguist is unsure but he goes along with the historian's plan. A few moments later Orvex is in the pit, the clay golem is smashing into the Handy Hands, then it's reset once again. Hmm.

​

"Send me in!", shouts Sekelok. "I will slay that which you are too weak to defeat!" Okay, cocky snake-man. Fine! On an educated guess Arnie thinks that one statue teleports up, and the other down. Rotate one, perhaps? Just the Torm statue is rotated, and with a correct guess Sekelok is teleported down for a Battle Royale with the golem. Place your bets!

​

Wham! Crack! Ker-POW! It's a brutal back and forth as the big yuan-ti and the clay monster slash and slam into each other exchanging blows. Sekelok is holding his own, but when the golem speeds up to pummel even faster and harder the Handy Hands look at each other with a bit of doubt. They're not exactly fans of Ras Nsi's arrogant champion, but an ally is an ally and it's looking like there's a chance of losing. Send in the ringers!

​

Soon Bertram and Arnie are in the mix, one thing leads to another, and next thing the spectators see is a wailing two-headed nightmare (summon shadowspawn!) and a laid back visage of The Dude (guardian of faith!) tag team beating down the sole vicious defender. It's beyond weird. But it works! With a groan the clay man creaks, crumbles, and is fights no more.

​

The key on the golem's neck opens the chest, and of course... more eyeball-like gems. Ten in total, now? The gang ponders their myriad of ways to go next. That is, best they can ponder under the distractions of a celestial slacker lighting up a joint as a living nightmare continues to scream. It may be uniquely bizarre to many.

​

But to some? It's just another moment in time in the daily life of a Handy Hand. 

​

Five gold a person to safely sleep in Peach's tiny hut? Fine, whatever! Wongo sure is making her a feisty one to deal with.

​

After a bit of pondering the day and attempting to logic out I'jin's tomb puzzle, all bed down with Arnie on watch. It's an eerie near-silence. The occasional insect. The shuffling sounds of assumedly undead residents below. ...And a few severed hands skittering by? Arnie watches curiously from Moa's gifted invisibility as more and more gather, then surge around the corner and past the magical hut. A literal wave of hands! Another, larger surge comes, this one bearing a robed and masked passenger surfing on top. Wow! If it weren't for their nefarious surroundings, the handyman would be fully impressed by the whole hand-themed display.

​

"Ah! Our newest visitors!", says the masked figure in a familiar voice. It's Mr. Withers! "Oh, what fun awaits you. Sleep well, my guests... if you can!" Mr. Withers leaves as strangely as he arrived, and soon Arnie's watch comes to an end.

​

"Bertram! There were SO MANY hands! It was kind of cool!", says the handyman as he exchanges guard duty.

​

Uh. Okay? Arnie must have dozed off and dreamed. Whatever. His time for watch. When footsteps approach from below in the dead of night Bertram pulls back to spy a group of albino dwarves walking by, carrying tools and not looking entirely alive. What's that carved into their backs? 'Maintenance'? Ah. Of course. Every "theme park" needs a repair crew. He sneaks around as they fix the deadly fan that Peach broke and watches them retreat, thankfully not harassing his friends... though meanwhile, all may not be well within the hut.

​

Fog. Ants crawling on skin. A squishy floor. Arnie awakes in a hall made of corpses, each with gold coins over their eyes. Gross, but with his thoughts still askew from the previous day - looking slightly tasty. A corpse flails and scratches as he takes a couple of coins, but he balks at the wooden door at the end of the hall, carved to resemble a sneering woman with coins for eyes. The floor squishes again as a corpse's mouth opens, a small animated clay doll with no face climbing out from within. It'd be nightmare fuel for some, but when it draws a smiley face on its blank head, Arnie lights up.

 

"Hello!", he says. The doll waves. "You seem friendly!" The doll nods. "Should I open the door?" The doll points to the two coins that Arnie is holding, then draws coins over its own poked-eyeholes. "You want the coins for eyes?" It shakes its head, pointing to Arnie again. "I should wear the coins?" The doll nods eagerly, then points to the door. "Ah. Okay! Thank you, little guy!" The handyman opens the door, just as he feels a strange pull at his scalp.

​

The bard awakes, rubbing her eyes and looking about the small hut. Seven... eight bodies. There's one too many in here, Peach thinks, right before noticing the eighth is menacingly crouched over a sleeping Arnie. Elongated limbs. Claw-like fingers. Purplish skin... and glinting gold coins for eyes. It slowly turns to grin a dagger-toothed smile at Peach.

​

"Get off my friend!", she yells, waking the others. "GET AWAY!" The womanlike creature cackles madly as it yanks a lock of hair from Arnie's scalp, its wild black hair flying in a nonexistent wind as it grins even wider, turns ethereal, then sinks right through the stone floor while laughing. 

​

Damn! What was THAT? Bertram returns as the rest let the adrenaline settle, and a memory comes to mind. Granny Gristlegums - the hag with the jungle yard sale - had spoken of a rivalry with a powerful coven called The Sewn Sisters who lurked under Omu. Welp. Looks like the coven found them. Great. Another tomb horror to add to the list.

​

One could say Col's watch was peaceful though Eku, rising early, wasn't about to let it be the least emotionally impactful. The notion of a murdered girl trapped inside a skull in Moa's tomb, stuck in an unending blind personal hell thinking that she is alive, it had been haunting her all night. What sort of monster is this Acererak to do such a thing to a child? Col nods. He understands. Ending this curse is far beyond any of them, but at least they can end her torment. A blast of magic missiles into Moa's tomb and a shattered skull later they walk back to the hut in silence. Mercy is for the strong.

​

*         *         *

​

Thankfully fully rested in the morning, it's back down the (horned) rabbit hole! From 2nd floor to presumably 3rd, the gang is committed to figuring out the riddle of this tiled floor around I'jin's funeral boat.

​

Many waves of flesh-eating locusts later, however, it's more frustration than anything as spell slot after newly recovered spell slot is burned just to stay alive. A subtle shifting motion is heard upon every new tile success of Kek and Arnie as Col directs them around, however. Something is going right. When they figure out a pattern based on poor dead Bravus' approach, the room whirrs. The sphynx's mouths close, floor tiles deactivate, the stone block to the east lowers, and the golden casket of I'jin pops open with a click. 

 

Kek wastes no time. The more gods the better, in her mind. Rabbit bones crumble to ash and swirl with golden light as she reaches for the intact unicorn-like horn of I'jin herself, offering to resistance as she feels the Trickster God spirit enter her body. "Quick, quick! We must stop the Thin Man! Go go go!", says the rapid voice in their mind.

​

Obo'laka sighs in Bertram's head. "This isn't good. I'jin doesn't count to five. I'jin doesn't count to ANY number!". The irony isn't lost on the Handy Hands. Four Trickster Gods released, and they just happen to be two diametrically rival pairs that dislike each other based on their shared myth. Great. "So...", asks Bertram, doing his best to ignore Obo'laka. "How's I'jin?"

​

"She's... impatient.", responds the grung, making no effort to suppress the god's urges as Kek runs down the now-open eastern passage. (DM: I'jin dwells in Kek! Her Dexterity is now off the charts and the horn is a wild spell focus, but they come at the cost of being just as random and skittish as the Trickster God herself.) A rotating golden disk of all the floor's tile symbols is seen - damn! That could have been used to solve the puzzle without a single wave of locusts! Well, no way they could have known given their point of entry. The rest move out as Bertram collects the few valuables left on Bravus' corpse. Hmm. Two spherical gems resembling eyeballs, one blue and one purple. Interesting.

​

The smell of rotting flesh - is it coming from the weird purple mold everywhere? Arnie inspects... and an eyeball emerges to inspect right back. He plops a coin on it, remembering his dream, and it sucks right back into the mold. Weird indeed!

​

There's a few ways to go in this funhouse/tomb. May as well take the door on the left. Is that a giant stone cauldron of tasty smelling green soup? Kek freezes. Never mind the soup. Someone is on the other side of it.

​

"Hey y'all, what's in... oh, Kek. It's you!". Peach appears to be right. It's a shadowy copy of Kek, facing away from them! Indeed, every time Kek moves, the shadow mimics her movement. She waves. The shadow waves. She steps forward. So does the shadow. She walks it forward to phase through a door on the far side of the soup, the rest entering despite Arnie and Bertram clearly being creeped out by the situation.

​

"Kek, your shadow's just hanging out in here!", says Arnie, as he opens the far door to find it standing still, back still towards everyone. "Maybe you should turn it around?" Seems a good plan as any.

 

Until they see its face.

​

A wave of heart-stopping terror radiates from the shadow-Kek's indescribably horrific melted-face, and instantly the Handy Hands minus the grung drop to the floor. (DM: All 4 failed the save and dropped to 0 HP!) Arnie had death ward active: safe! Peach rolls a nat 20: safe! Col and Bertram: nat 1s, dual Death Save fails! It's panic as three rush to get up, but they do it just in time. Phew! Unfortunately it burns through even more spell slots and ki points, but all are alive. Close call!

​

Most vacating to hide from shadow shenanigans, Kek dives into the soup - determined illusory by Bertram. An orange eyeball-like crystal sits at the bottom. Curious. After comparing to the three found, it's onward into ankle deep water.

​

It's another odd one. An archway waterfall bisects a room of mirrored appearance, weaponized murals and little tunnels on each side. As Arnie crawls through the duct-like passage, Bertram inspects an illusory pedestal to find yet another "eye". What are these things?, ponders the historian, just as Kek breaks a curtain of water splitting the room. *FOOM!* A tidal wave of water crashes out from the center of the room, hurting all and nearly knocking their linguist companion Orvex out.

​

"Ya...", mutters the Thayan scholar. "Something tells me I may not be cut out for the adventuring life..."

​

Meanwhile in the tunnel, the handyman comes to a dead end. Or is it? There's a grinding noise as the path behind him changes, shearing off the ropes that Bertram and Col had tied to his ankles. When Col shifts into snake form to help Arnie he finds a straight tunnel with no dead end... and a corpse. But not Arnie's. Bigger. And not fresh. Another click and grind.

​

Arnie's back, but where's Col? The druid, now stuck in a double dead end, kills time by inspecting the corpse. It's been a while, but he remembers this dragonborn! His name was Seph, paladin of the Company of the Yellow Banner. Looks like Bravus wasn't the only one to die alone in this deathtrap of a dungeon. And what's this in his pack? A fifth eye crystal? 

​

It takes a few tries but eventually the gang figures out what's up. It's a rotating crawlspace! Where Kek's familiar isn't quite enough weight to activate the pressure plates to free both Col and Arnie, the bulk of Seph's pack is, and it's finally onward.

​

Water curtain frozen by Kek, and another illusory pedestal beyond. ANOTHER crystal eye, light green this time! What's the deal with these things? Surely they must have a purpose. Six down. How many to go?

​

"Arnie, wait.", says Kek, the handyman considering the crawlspace mirror to the one he got stuck in. "Let my familiar scout ahead this time". Her eyes glaze over as she pilots the odd horned frog that follows her around and hops onward. No rotating tunnel this way, it seems. In fact, the opposite: a small room apparently devoid of traps entirely. Hmm! Might make a nice resting spot in the future, even if it is cramped.

​

Beyond that is a far, far larger chamber. A long deep pit, a large fiendish statue, and a series of floating wooden platforms. This may take some further manpower and study. For now, though, it's time for the Handy Hands to ponder their options.

​

"It's fine...", says Peach. "I'm not defined by my material possessions."

​

Is she not, though? The others can't help but notice how sad she seems about the loss of her prized Lantanese geetar, in particular. Arnie feels terrible! If only he hadn't agreed to let her go in the rusty chest instead of himself! Yet she insists its fine, even if the list of her lost items is an unfortunately long one.

​

After Eku and Bertram connect and share a hug, attention turns to Wongo's now-crystalline tomb. No apparent hinges. Kek advises: Why not simply smash it? And so Arnie does. Hopping into the pit he brings down his trusty wrench, cracking open the glass... and the mummified su-monster within turns to look at him. With a shriek and a wave of fear-inducing energy from the mace its holding, it's on! When the mace bonks Arnie on the head, however, it's over as quick as it started.

​

"LET ME IN!", shrieks a new voice in his head. The spirit of Moa protests but the internal battle is won, the good jaculi god forced out and an unstable Wongo settling in Arnie's mind. This voice giggles. "My old body! It's yours too! Make it do something! Make it dance!"

​

Disgusted at his newfound mummy buddy, he throws the mace down. "Gross. Go jump off a cliff!", the handyman says. Sure enough, it starts climbing the tomb pit to throw itself back down. Yet the mummy goes limp when Arnie grabs Moa's staff and attempts to fit the friendlier Trickster God back in his skull. Moa succeeds and Wongo is pushed out... but it seems jamming spirits into one's brain isn't without strange consequences. Arnie turns to the mummy hungrily.

​

"Forbidden fruit...", he mutters, licking his lips. Uh oh.

​

Craving a new weapon to take place of her old gear and not considering consequences, the bard picks up Wongo's mace and willingly lets the evil monkey into her mind, his selfish thoughts melding with her own. "Quit screwing around, Arnie.", she says to the handyman currently licking mummy bandages. That's disgusting. YOU'RE disgusting."

​

Arnie looks back in shock. What? His good friend Peach, his friendly buddy in all things, being mean to him? She must really be angry about the chest thing! He climbs up to apologize when he spies someone watching them from back down the hall. A skeleton. A tasty, tasty skeleton.

​

"I'm gonna feast on your bones!", shouts the handyman. And he's off!

 

Kek quickly joins and the duo sprint around the main stairwell, Col and Bertram following at a distance while Peach retrieves her Immovable Rod. The skeleton is tackled near the tomb's entrance while the handyman's magical dog is summoned to help, Kek herself tearing off an arm. It's a scene so strange that no one notices a key difference until Col rounds the corner: a huge figure on the far side of the crystalline wall to Obo'laka's tomb - a mess of rusted welded armor over stitched body parts, gruesome yet comical with a skinned beard under an oversized wizard hat. Staring silently. When Bertram catches up he sees another lumbering up from below, severed gorilla arms attached to a human frame under a mascot-like primate mask. It turns its head right towards the historian. Then breaks into a run.

​

"We've got company!", shouts Bertram. And the halls erupt into violence. 

​

Eldritch blasts rocket out as the stitched man-gorilla beast accelerates to an unnatural speed and smashes into Bertram with its simian arms, Peach's polymorph failing to have any effect and Col running in to assist. Abandoning the skeleton for the greater threat, Kek takes a defensive posture as the second monstrosity shatters through the crystal wall and begins to pummel her. The skeleton's not getting off east, though! Arnie crunches his teeth down on its remaining forearm and his dog rips off a foot as it escapes grip, hobbling away while Sekelok and Eku block its way while assisting Bertram.

​

A shimmer as her webbed hand glances off. An arcane shield! Kek finds the mockery of a wizard incredibly hard to hit even for her precision fists. It slams down once again, sending the grung monk back on the defense and making it clear that she can't keep this punishment up for long. The gorilla-armed one, however, howls as it ignites from Arnie's well-placed fireball. It's distracted by fire! A wildly flailing arm smashes into Sekelok and Bertram, knocking the historian unconscious, though in spinning around reveals the source of its great speed: the partial remains of a spellcaster channeling haste stitched to its back. A huge critical bite from Col distracts it long enough for Eku to heal Bertram and it swings in return, injuring the desert druid before he and Peach can finally bring the smoldering gorilla-man down.

​

What about that gimpy skeleton? Arnie's on it! The handyman smashes the legs out from underneath it as it runs by, causing it to tumble right into Kek's awaiting karate chop, sending bones scattering in all directions (DM: queue comical xylophone sounds - thank you Abe). Weird triangle hat on that skull - Kek will have to check that out later.

​

It's all in on the "wizard mascot"! Arnie barely keeps Kek healed up and alive as the creature continues to slam down on her, Bertram and Col doing their best to attack from afar and get through its resilient shield. Another psychic blast from Peach reveals a surprise: much like the first was distracted by fire, this one is addled by psionics! It takes another couple full rounds of trying to beat the monstrosity into submission until it finally drops to its knees.

​

"Thank... you...", comes a muffled voice within the rusted helmet, and its pained moans finally stop.

​

"*Ahem*", rings Mr. Withers' voice from the magical P.A. "How pleased we are that you've met our themed Entertainment Ambassadors! Clearly though, as there were no casualties, their provided amusement was not thorough enough! Proficiency in fire and psychic abilities noted... we'll be sure that your next experience with them is even more memorable!"

​

'Entertainment Ambassadors?' What were those things?! Inspection confirms what Bertram had dreaded: 997 adventurers are said to have perished in this Tomb, and each one of these creations is a stitched amalgamation of a few of those numbers. If they're customizable, the Handy Hands shudder to think of what Mr. Withers has in mind.

​

That skeleton, though. It's weird. Turns out its triangular hat isn't a hat at all, but something of a bio-mechanical fusion of dark metal and bone. Odd. Seems worthy to keep around, and Kek jams the skull into her large basket as Arnie munches on spare bones nearby. Wounds being mended and the entrance confirmed to now have closed once again, Peach wanders off compelled by Wongo to act without concern for the others.

​

"Peach! Wait! I'm sorry I didn't let you have the mace first! We really need to rest!", calls Arnie. The bard doesn't stop.

​

"Come! This way!", Wongo says in her mind. "We must find him and destroy him! The Thin Man!"

​

The Thin Man?, she thinks. There's a name from long ago. Ah yes... the mysterious arcane experimenter in the ruins of Eshowe! Nine strong animal spirits trapped in ruins, both there and here. Are Acererak and The Thin Man one and the same? What's his goals? (DM: Playin' the long game! See mentions of 'The Thin Man' way WAY back in sessions 41-48.)

​

Bones. Thousands of them line the main stairway as macabre decorations as Peach descends, the others rushing to catch up when they realize she's not turning back for them. As Bertram and Kek investigate a room immediately to the left on the 2nd floor down, Peach spies a dusty plaque mounted on the wall. It's another stanza of riddles, much like the obelisk above!

​

The open-mouthed green bearded devil in front of Bertram and Kek is much like the one upstairs, but this one is on the floor facing upwards. 'Descend into darkness', the plaque says. Sure, why not? One tied off rope and a froggy dive in later, Kek descends into a well lit chamber and lands on... a boat?

​

Four stone sphynxes sit in the corners of a large room with curious floor tiles, the corpse of a dwarf off to the side. A dais raises in the middle where the boat rests, and behind Kek on it, a small golden coffin emblazoned with the symbol of a horned rabbit. An almiraj! This must be I'jin's tomb! After a quick call up to verify safety Bertram and Peach descend, Col flying down in crow form and a tired Arnie silently trailing invisibly due to his boon from Moa.

​

In true I'jin fashion the tiled floor is clearly a puzzle. The coffin is sealed shut - perhaps the floor is the key? The dead dwarf is clearly a hint that the floor can be deadly, though Bertram notices something else. A yellow turban. They know this fellow.

​

"It's Bravus.", states the historian. "The friendly cleric from the Company of the Yellow Banner." Last the Handy Hands had heard of their old comrades was from a note in their ruined camp in Omu - they were searching for the Tomb of the Nine Gods when apparently ambushed by yuan-ti. Somehow the adventurers they had made friends with back in Port Nyanzaru in defending against a zombie hoard had found a way in. And here one lies dead.

​

Well. Sadly nothing to do about it now. The corpse is far from fresh. What about that floor? Bravus is dead on a 'foot' tile, so perhaps a different one? As most of the gang ponders it out, Kek just goes for it. A leap to a 'staff' tile and *vvvvsssshhhh*, swarms of locust emerge from the four sphynxes and begin to devour the grung!

​

"Guys, c'mon!", complains an invisible Arnie. "We REALLY need to rest! I'm out of heals. Can this wait?"

​

Sleep, or free another Trickster God? Kek can't wait! A leap to the nearest 'foot' tile confirms exactly what Bravus must have found out in his final moments. Another *vvvvsssshhhh*, more locusts, and one nearly dead grung monk later, the Handy Hands finally make the call. Perhaps Arnie's idea is a good one.

​

Up the rope, up the stairs, and back near the entrance. Seems a secure place as any for Peach's tiny hut, who is playing nice with her friends for the time being. Col and Bertram chat about the riddles of I'jin's Shrine vs. I'jin's Tomb as Arnie sulks outside, concerned about how much he may have upset Peach. At least he's not thinking about eating 'forbidden fruit'.

​

And now, to see just how well this literal death trap of a dungeon will let our heroes rest after a very long day...

​

The inner door slowly opens and the Handy Hands reflect. They're here. Through nearly half a year of jungle misadventure, growing friendships, questionable business ventures, and looming terrors, here they stand with conviction. The Tomb of the Nine Gods - or "Tomb of Annihilation" as its known - hides the origin of this world-affecting Death Curse somewhere within. 997 adventurers have died here, this Mr. Withers says, but the Handy Hands are more than just numbers.

​

Arnie would love to be #1,000, though! As Mr. Withers gives another short speech about the Tomb being warded against certain types of spells, the handyman's illusory armor shifts into amusement park swag and he's excited to go in... after two others, of course. He can't wait to see what rides and attractions this place has!

​

"Careful.", says Peach. "Trapped floor."

​

The first damp halls of the Tomb of the Nine Gods lie before them, roots and vines of the jungle above breaking through along with the occasional sliver of daylight. Kek is a tense ball of amphibian muscle as he skips over the traps, ready for anything. The rest follow Peach (Arnie third, of course) to a T-junction where a sculpture of a screaming bearded devil rests on the wall, the inside of its mouth impossibly black. Best not mess with it now and take in the immediate surroundings.

​

Muddy waters flow under a metal grade to the left, and a curious transparent crystal wall lays beyond. Bertram and Arnie get a closer look and aren't sure what's creepier in the mausoleum beyond: the large bronze disk engraved with animated eyes that scan the room, or the six dried corpses sitting in chairs wearing masquerade masks. Meanwhile Peach investigates to the right, where the passageway opens up to a grand chamber where countless stairs descend into the dark below. The eladrin bard looks over the balcony to see at least three other levels below... and something staring back, replica of the green devil face worn as a mask. And without a word, the figure steps out of sight.

​

"Well, it's really big.", Peach calls back. "Also... guys? We're not alone."

​

Where to go? Hidden threats lurk below, but northwest from the stairs seems relatively safe. The long room beyond is a strange one though, housing only a large rusted statue of a knight and piles of rust at the far end. It only takes a step within for Arnie to make sense of it when his coin purse starts to lift off his belt. The statue is highly magnetic! Kek runs right by and Peach as well, but Bertram loses his footing and slams right into the statue, cringing as he sees his +1 shield and armor deteriorate into rust. Luckily he's able to push off and run for it before his Belt of Dwarvenkind or other gear shares that fate. Stripping of metal gear left with Orvex the translator and Sekelok the yuan-ti, Arnie returns with ease as Col and Eku follow. 

​

The large fountain in the next room over is crusted with moss, but otherwise its a peaceful scene for a so-called "Tomb of Annihilation". The water looks fresh and it's been a while since Kek's last soak. Bertram determines the water has transmutative properties, but what harm can come from an amphibious dip? A few collect water for potential future uses as the grung monk soaks... and something changes. It's hard to tell exteriorly in his species. But Kek knows.

​

"My gonads shifted...", says the grung. From he to she, Kek's sex has entirely changed!

​

"The water's turning the frogs trans!", exclaims Col. (DM: ba dum *crash*)

​

So that happened. It's fine though. Kek doesn't mind. Thoughts of a male Peach comes to mind when she tests the water as well, though the results are very different as she loses her voice entirely. Uh oh, not good for a bard! A couple cure wounds don't do much but thankfully Eku's restorative magic returns Peach's voice to her throat. Enough of this silly room. Onward!

​

A return investigation of a dead-end hallway past the rusted statue by Peach finds its opening mechanism, but the other side is a bit disconcerting - it's the room with the creepy masked corpses and bronze eye disk. Surely there's a riddle here? In an *ah hah* moment, it hits Arnie. The obelisk's inscription! It didn't fully make sense at the time. Each line... they're clues. "Don the mask or be seen." Seems obvious enough to the handyman.

​

"Excuse me, Mr. Dead Guy, if you don't mind...", says Arnie, as he gently removes the black feathered masquerade mask from the corpse sitting in front of them, puts it on, and walks carefully into the room. Nothing happens. Phew! The animated eyes on the large disk look right past him. One by one he retrieves masks for his friends, and soon the five Handy Hands stand over the stone sarcophagus engraved with a familiar symbol.

 

Peach's x-ray vision confirms. Giant zorbo bones. It's Obo'laka, one of the nine Trickster Gods. The literal body of a deity.

​

More than bones, though. Peach saw a ring in there too. Stone lid pushed aside, Kek works to reverently collect an actual physical piece of one of her gods, while temptation overcomes Bertram. What's archaeology without a bit of risk? Dust swirls into a giant drop-bear form and surges forward into the historian.

​

"I, uh, hi, hi there. Thank you thank you!", he hears in his head. The Ring of Protection is his (and instantly attuned!). But it seems that something else came along for the ride.

​

"So, um... .", Bertram starts. "There's a nervous drop-bear in me. Obo'laka. It seems I may be spiritually possessed." 

​

"This is a GOOD THING!", exclaims Kek. "The gods will help us!"

​

Bertram isn't so sure. Being co-inhabited by a minor god definitely has some perks, but how will this overbearing backseat driver in his body affect him otherwise? (DM: The Trickster spirit fun begins! Obo'laka allows Bertram to attune to additional items and gifts his ring, but all of his obsessive-compulsive faults also impose on the ring's wearer.)

​

Opening another secret door and getting scorched by a sparked gas pocket, Peach finds an entrance to an underground river and scouts ahead. A hanging treasure chest? Neat! With a bit of shatter on its chains and levitate she tows it back to the others for inspection. 'I will devour all but the greatest thief', reads the lock's inscription. Welp. May as well try! One very lucky lockpick later by Bertram, the crew stands over to appreciate the small pile of loot. A bunch of gold, a scroll of remove curse, and a frowny face mug that smiles when its full. Nice! Obo'laka is none too keen of their host's risky move, but 'Greatest Thief" bragging rights are now Bertram's.

 

Circumventing the magnet statue, Arnie doubles back to join their allies and returns to the metal floor grate to help up their friends through the muddy water. After a test of the utter blackness within the screaming devil's face by Kek reveals grasping hands, they're sure they have no desire to investigate further and head onward to the eastern side of the grand staircase.

​

One... two.. three... CHOMP! Going through the mouth of a giant stone skull seemed a bad idea, and that crushing bite on the third person thoroughly sucked for Peach, but the sight of another room on the other side was too tempting. Another sarcophagus, too. And the symbol of a large serpent.

​

"It's Moa!", says Kek excitedly. "Arnie! Moa is good, like you! You should help Moa!"

​

"Hello? Is someone there?" Before Arnie can respond to Kek a resonating young voice comes from the far side of the room. Inside a class case, a single skull the size of a child's floats. "Hello? I cannot see! Who's there?" Arnie pauses. 'Speak no truth to the doomed child', warned the obelisk. Sigh. This is unfortunate.

​

"We're the Stinky Feet!", he growls back. Peach and Kek do their best to stay silent.

​

"Are you friends of my father? How did I get here? Please, help me!"

​

"No! We hate your father! We're... we're bad people! Yeah! We don't help others!"

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It goes on for a while and as unlikely as it seems, the handyman somehow manages to thoroughly lie to the spirit of the child and never address the fact that she's apparently a floating skull. Lid to Moa's tomb opened, oversized serpent bones coil around a caduceus staff, and after witnessing Bertram's "possession" and hearing Kek's advice Arnie wastes no time in grabbing it to let the essence of another Trickster God flow through his body.

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"Let me help you!", a warm sibilant voice calls into his head. "Together, I promise we will be good! Are... YOU good?"

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"Oh I know I'm good! See?", says Arnie as he throws his figurine to the ground to summon his dog. "Who's good!?"

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"YOU'RE good, Arnie!", Peach and Kek recoiling as the weird magical dog speaks. "You're the nicest guy around, Arnie!" (DM: And Arnie comes to host Moa! Invisibility at will and a powerful healing staff... but ironically he's now unable to lie.)

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Meanwhile, deterred by the chompy skull, Bertram and Col head north with Eku to investigate the last obvious path on this level. Carved birds soar along a corridor where a massive propeller of gleaming sharp blades sits inert. The historian looks down at the chwinga living in his beard, who gives a thumbs up. Why not? With two souls in his body, he's feeling good.

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"Nonononono!", shrieks cautious Obo'laka in his head but it's too late. Bertram sprints full force at the fan, its blades whirring to life as he sets foot in the hall, intent to dive through spinning death. Head first he goes - then panics mid-air. Bad idea! With a *bamf* he misty steps right past the fan and tumbles into a pit within the room beyond... and next to a third sarcophagus. The symbol of an evil monkey. Wongo's tomb.

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"I'm fine!", he calls back to Col and Eku. "I think Wongo is here. Mind the scary fan... floor activated!"

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Col is reasoning out a creative solution when Peach suddenly runs past him (DM: Freshly emerged after getting skull-chomped a 2nd time!) and down the hall. She dives forward and *CRUNCH*! Black smoke roils out both towards Bertram and back towards the others. When the smoke clears, there lies Peach: upper half of her body among the blades, her Immovable Rod held in front of her nose... and a disabled propeller of death just inches from her face.

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"Come on in, guys!", she calls back.

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Beyond the pit of Wongo's tomb, three open treasure chests sit on small daises. Onyx on the left, frosted silver on the right, and pure rusted iron in the middle, each one with a golden key embedded on their interiors. 'The keys turn on the inside', stated the obelisk carving. It seems obvious as to what to do, but surely nothing good awaits. Kek is quick to volunteer for the silver chest and Peach for the rusted one, though it takes Bertram some force of will to suppress Obo'laka's protests to the potential danger for the onyx chest. A gentle hand touches his shoulder.

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"Bertram...", Eku says softly. "Remember the vision of my death that I told you? It is likely that I will die in a dark place, in a space even darker than the rest... yet surrounded by friends." She smiles. "Let me do this for you."

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The historian thinks about it. No. Eku is a force for good in this world and has been nothing but the kindest caring person to himself and the others. He could not sentence her to this fate. He smiles back.

 

"Should I not live, Eku", he says. "Take care of the others. Ready, Peach? Kek? On the count of five..."

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Col, Arnie, and the others watch and listen to the muffled countdown, then: *woomph*. Muffled noises come from all three chests as the keys are turned in unison. Chest lids pop open. A nearly-frozen Kek scrambles out, brushing off shards of piercing ice. Peach emerges covered in the rust of all her metal worldly possessions, even her prized Lantanese geetar (DM: this suuuuuuuuucks... but what's a dungeon without a bunch of new stuff to loot?). And there, in the final chest, a severely injured Bertram struggles to emerge after his body had been shot through with a huge amount of necrotic energy. 'Nearly killed' is still 'at least a little alive', and so the historian is! Trial of the chests survived, Arnie and Eku rush in to heal Bertram as Col notices a shimmer of light from behind.

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There, in the pit, the once-stone sarcophagus of Wongo has transmogrified into transparent crystal. The mummified corpse of an oversized su-monster lies within, and in its desiccated claws a wicked looking mace.

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Previous entries have been moved to improve load times and your reading experience. Click below to find them!
 

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• Chapter 1: "A Shipwrecked Misadventure." - Entries 1 through 11.
  ​After a disastrous journey at sea, four travelers become necessary allies and eventually friends as they get their bearings in a beautiful but hostile land.​
   

• Chapter 2: "The Shining Jewel of Chult." - Entries 12 through 20.
  Chult’s great city of Port Nyanzaru hosts a wealth of possibilities, where new friends are gained as the fledgling adventuring party establishes themselves.
   

• Chapter 3: "Famous and Infamous." - Entries 21 through 27.
  Local fame leads to larger concerns, and the crew find themselves as notable figures involved in the city’s events and intrigues.
   

• Chapter 4: "The River Expedition." - Entries 28 through 38.
  The Handy Hands bravely set forth into the uncharted jungles of Chult on a mission... and this time, they have experience and planning on their sides.
   

• Chapter 5: "Ruins and Robots." - Entries 39 through 55.
  Rumors of forgotten temple ruins are just too good to pass up, and the goal of retrieving a dead wizard’s construct leads to odd encounters with the locals.
   

• Chapter 6: "Death and the City." - Entries 56 through 67.
  A return to Port Nyanzaru is both welcome and ominous, as evil plots and villains abound, and news of an escalating 'Death Curse' ravaging the land emerges.
   

• Chapter 7: "Salty Shenanigans." - Entries 68 through 77.
  As city-sponsored privateers and entrepreneurs of dubious skill, the Handy Hands take on nautical threats both piratical and supernatural.
   

• Chapter 8: "On the Trail of the Dead" - Entries 78 through 94.
  From somewhere in Chult, the Death Curse radiates. The Handy Hands follow clues and their instincts, leading them deep into the unknown…
   

• Chapter 9: "The Forbidden City" - Entries 95 through 101.
  Omu. A wretched hive of snakes and villainy. The Handy Hands close in on the origin of the Death Curse, but the city's inhabitants won't make it easy.

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