WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE.

Light is snuffed. All go silent. Nakam crouches as still as possible, listening to the low rumble of Aremag breathing, resting near the lava cavern below. Pitch black as it is for himself and Arnie he's fairly sure they are unnoticed. Good. 

​

Coins softly jingle as Krenko ascends a small mountain of precious metals to reclaim his magic trident. Arnie!, he messages telepathically, What if we light this place up and ambush right from the hoard?

​

Perhaps! Even as an ambush it is risky though. They've seen how bad things can go when all of the dragon turtle's targets are in the same place. In hushed whispers they plan. This hoard of riches is huge enough that they can easily spread out. Yet Aremag isn't exactly close - a problem for anyone without long distance attacks.

 

Any useful hoard items to consider? It's quite the selection! A crab-hilted claymore, a crystal ball, an enchanted chain shirt, a curious potion and scroll, and more. A familiar wooden figurehead catches Bertram's eye: It's the prow of the Marid's Whim, the very ship that wrecked their vacation from the start! Something looking like a slug made of hair approaches Peach's foot. She brushes it away, though Krenko takes interest. A toupee? No. A living mustache! It's what every crocodile-man needs! 'Stache set to 'massive handlebar', the plan is settled. Spread out, hide, and lure in Aremag with an illusion.

​

What illusion, you ask? Why, Chad the Dragon Turtle-Hating Mermaid, of course! With Krenko's image, Peach and Bertram's sound effects, and a touch of light from Arnie, one douchebag-looking thief of a merfolk appears to rifle through the hoard.

​

"YOU.", comes the bellow, immense shape of Aremag rising into view. "YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE."

​

It's on, Handy Hands! Operation: Turtle Murder... GO!

​

The historian's axe glows mightily as Arnie charges it with holy weapon and Bertram, Krenko, Winchton, and Nakam explode out of hiding. Slash! Slam! Stab! Weapons fly forth mightily as Peach's animate objects turns Aremag's very own hoard against them, coins whirring in the water. The dragon turtle reels in surprise, flailing madly at any target in range before the water around it starts to boil as it had a day before. Time to scatter!

​

The scorching aura and geysers appearing in the lair water badly burn most. Krenko seizes the chaotic moment to chomp down on the eyelid of Aremag's good eye and start twisting - ouch! Holy weapon not lasting through the boiling barrage, Arnie retreats, Nakam left flailing blindly until his branding smite gives the dragon turtle a weird ghostly glow. Unfortunately Peach's concentration fails as well, coins drifting down as the bard misty steps back to safety. The Pirate King chucks another harpoon as Krenko continues to gnash and death roll, Aremag grunting in pain.

​

"OFF!", it growls. "GET! OFF!"

It surges backwards to knock off Krenko, clawing and biting at any who dare approach as it repositions slightly away from its hoard. Currents from nowhere surge the Handy Hands into less than ideal proximity... it controls the very waters of its lair! A lucky blight from Bertram connects, somehow draining a sea monster of water. Arnie channels mass cure wounds through his Staff of Healing - which is concerning. Not even two rounds in and they've already taken this much damage? Peach tries to stifle the onslaught with polymorph, but no luck. A creature this fearsome has ways to resist spells!

​

Spread out again! Winchton, Nakam, and Krenko flank from different angles as another flaming geyser erupts under Peach as the former lava chamber suddenly explodes with light. Arnie's daylight! With newfound fury the melee contingent rapidly strike, teeth and clawed fins lashing out in retribution. Looking hurt, Aremag snatches up Krenko in its jaws and swims to the side, a furnace-like glow of heat crackling in its throat.

​

"MINE! IT'S MINE!", Aremag roars. "IF NOT, THEN NO ONE SHALL HAVE IT!"

​

The panicked crocodile-man forces his way out between teeth just in time, boiling breath surging forth behind him. Nearly all are caught in liquid death! Nakam falls unconscious, all but Winchton looking horribly burnt.  

​

"Peach, hold my hand!", shouts Arnie, the bard doing exactly that as another wave of mass cure wounds thankfully gets Nakam back in the fight. "We may need to make that quick retreat!" 

​

Long strands of bull kelp animate and lock the pair in place, Bertram retreating nearby to hide after getting in a solid hit. A revived Nakam charges up his executioner's axe and swings mightily, divine smite grievously wounding the side of Aremag's head. Such a critical hit should bring any wounded beast down... and very nearly does.

​

The dragon turtle groans. "Wavemother... Sea goddess... Bitch Queen... I CALL TO THEE. SHOW THEM THE WRATH OF THOSE WHO DEFY THE OCEAN!"

​

The figurehead of the Marid's Whim - no, the Sea Bitch, that's what true name was disguised underneath - glows a sickly blue-green, then: *SHOOM!* A broad arc of energy shoots towards Aremag, crackling its shell with electricity as much of its wounds heal. The Handy Hands despair. Blessed by Umberlee herself! Can they outlast this monstrosity?

​

Lightning arcs between shell plates as Winchton, Nakam, and Krenko do their best to evade the storm. Though fried by another geyser emerging Bertram swims outward to launch another blight - another success! Bolts of electricity crack then fizzle. Aremag may look healthier, but at least the storm has been dispersed. A shout of inspiration from Peach and a guiding bolt from Arnie set the tone: They may not make it out, but they're not going down without one heck of a fight! 

​

It's a whirl of blades and spells as everyone goes all in. A hit! Another hit! A crit from Bertram! A crit from Winchton! There's a moment of confidence before the raging monster reacts in fury. A gnash of its teeth nearly knocks Nakam out again before a battering of clawed fins finally beat Krenko into submission, his body going limp.

​

"Krenko! I'm coming for you, old boy!", Winchton yells from across the chamber.

​

"Wait!", shouts Bertram. "This better work..." Kelp failing to grasp him, the historian rockets forth with great speed (DM: what a time to have a Ring of Swimming!) to cradle the unconscious Krenko in his arms, then *bamf*! Dimension door! A quick heal from Peach and the former goblin snaps back into action. Team effort! What a save!

​

Without a raging barbarian to soak blows, however, wrath turns to Winchton and Nakam. The living island lashes out again, knocking the paladin out once again and nearly downing the Pirate King. Arnie charges his staff for a final mass cure wounds but not before noticing something very strange: Nakam isn't Nakam. The 'Biff' persona faltered as expected, but the unconscious changeling floating there is a different changeling entirely. No time to ponder whatever that means now! The heal goes off, the paladin revives and immediately flips back into Biff, readying another strike.

​

"Nakam! Winchton!", Peach calls. "Get to Arnie! We need to get out of here fast! Krenko... ?"

​

The former goblin stares at Aremag. Retreat? No. There's no way they can regroup in time. Despite protests of his nearby friends he swims forward at maximum speed. Whether its a great or terrible one, he has an idea.

​

"Hey! Turtle Boy!", Krenko yells, stopping right in front of Aremag's yellow eye. "I've tasted your cloaca before! This time I'm gonna eat my way right in!" The crocodile-man smiles a toothy grin, new mustache flaring. Then charges for the rear.

 

Aremag's eyes go wide, jaw slightly drops. If a dragon turtle is able to make a face resembling concern, this must be it! The massive creature whirls to pursue, not even bothering to fend off Nakam and Winchton's strikes. This is it! Do or die! 

​

Chunks of the dragon turtle's shell and hide are carved and blasted off by the combined force of the Handy Hands, but they're barely hanging on by a thread. 'Die' it might be! Aremag thrashes, felling Krenko in a flurry of slams before turning around to do the same to Nakam. Both float listlessly. Four remain.

​

Peach has one final play in mind. It's Aremag or it's the Handy Hands. Destructive wave! The blast catches the dragon turtle in the side and blasts away a large chunk of shell. It's a lot... but not enough! Badly wounded but relentless, Aremag swats the bard aside to bleed out. As much as Arnie wants to escape, there's not a chance that his word of recall can save more than just himself and Bertram at this point! Three remain.

 

Aremag spins, eyes on hoard, puny humanoids within. Another burst of geyser fire and Bertram falls as well. Two remain.

​

"DIE!"

​

The living island surges forward towards Arnie, jaws open. With little swimming speed himself all the handyman can do is try to not get bitten in half as Aremag swallows him whole. Winchton, barely alive himself, is helpless to do anything but dash, hoping that he can reach any of his allies before it's too late.

​

Teeth gate like malevolent prison bars in front of Arnie. A fiery red-orange glow builds behind. Is this how the Handy Hands end? Forgotten in a watery grave? The glow grows brighter. Hotter. No friends to heal. No way to escape. About to be boiled alive by a raging torrent of steam... the handyman slams his hand down on Aremag's tongue.

​

Inflict wounds! 5th level! (DM: Nat 20! The crowd goes WILD!) Black rot spreads encompasses the tongue and the dragon turtle howls, flames halting in its throat as necrotic energy surges through its skull. The howl turns to a deafening screech, then cuts abruptly. Eyes fade. Jaw goes slack. The great shell drifts.

​

Aremag - island-sized bandit of the Bay of Chult - is dead.

​

*         *         *

​

It was a panicked rush to prevent any deaths after that titanic battle, yet very surprisingly not a single Handy Hand died that day. A glittering mountain of wealth has new owners, a the massive mangled corpse floats nearby as reminder of what this adventure nearly cost them. Close to an hour later spotlights from caverns below signal the arrival of the Scarlet Marpenoth, and its a welcome dry return to the surface. No worries for this giant hoard - it isn't going anywhere, and only the Handy Hands and Zardoz know the location. They'll retrieve it soon enough.

​

It's a two day trip by sea back to Port Nyanzaru. Zardoz parts ways. Rumors spread. The Pirate King defeated? Aremag dead? Incredible feats and claims! It's days later when Krenko finally delivers Aremag's giant head that the city rejoices. Not all celebrate, but all know: The Handy Hands, happenstance vacationers-turned-adventurers, are the true lords of the sea!

​

The Handy House is another matter. Wall smashed, kitchen partially on fire, Mr. Withers with makeup smeared on his mask for some reason, the dolls are running around with knives... Maybe Cobbler wasn't the best choice for a babysitter. 

​

A few days later Winchton arrives with the orangutan Lovely, bags packed. The Pirate King may be assumed dead, but the half-orc ranger, father, and lord of the Carmichael estate of Raven's Bluff remains. "I think it's time I show Esmerelda where she comes from, friends. She deserves a warmer household than I ever had." he says. "Besides, Wadsworth has more than earned a place in our family crypt."

​

One by one he hugs his old friends, the ones he crash-landed on to Chult with so long ago.

 

"Bertram, old boy, I'll miss your keen wit and companionship. Arnie? I've never met a friendlier man... even if 'helping' sometimes means 'on fire'! Biff - if that is your name or not - you're in good company, it's been good to fight by your side. Peach? If only more could experience your warmth and generosity... maybe they will."

 

"And Krenko? One thing I've learned about relationships lately it's that people want kindness and communication. Turns out Liara was actually turned on by the notion of me one-upping her by becoming a pirate king!" The half-orc looks to Peach and back. "Just something to consider, my former goblin friend. Farewell all! May you long enjoy this tropical air!"

​

Winchton Carmichael waves one last time, turns, and walks away with Lovely in hand. One of their own finally leaves Chult both in one piece... and at peace.
 

​

(Levels 14 and 15: Achieved! Yes, two levels! After multiple crews of pirates, an entire nautiloid full of mind flayers and their brain-minions, and an ancient dragon turtle, it's more than deserved. And they're rich, baby! So, so RICH!)

​

"We've found it! Well, almost." says Bertram, he and Krenko emerging with map in hand from Fort Beluarian's keep to find the others outside. "Aremag's lair must be somewhere in this 10-mile search radius."

​

Amazing work! It took the duo a small mountain of nautical and navigational data from three different sources and a whole heck of a lot of calculations, but they got there. It's still a search area, but in terms of ocean size, it's a small one. Especially if they reasonably assume it's only the sea floor in that area worth searching.

 

But how to go about it? Get close and lure Aremag out? Could work. Just yesterday they saw how badly ship vs. massive dragon turtle can go, though. Krenko did leave his Trident of Fish Command lodged in Aremag's shell. Perhaps that could be useful in magical tracking?

​

"Locate object, that I can do.", says Winchton, walking up hand-in-hand with Lovely and looking much more calm than last seen. "We'd have to locate the lair first though. Not the greatest range for that spell I'm afraid."

​

"I might be able to teleport to the trident...", muses Peach. 

​

"And I could word of recall us back to Port Nyanzaru, if it goes bad!", says Arnie. There's a lot of things that could go wrong there, but there's also merit in skipping the subterfuge and getting straight to the ambush. More ideas go back and forth. What if they weaponize bait, such as an exploding treasure chest? What if Krenko was the bait, disguised as the Pirate King?

​

The lizard-folk barbarian wrestles an unsuspecting Winchton to the ground, the half-orc grunting indignantly as Krenko steals his hat and puts it on himself, both getting up to dust themselves off as a new figure approaches. Naked save for a blanket over his shoulders, smoking a pipe, stupidly huge captain's hat still on head... Zardoz Zord. Great. This guy again.

​

"The Handy Hands.", he announces with a wave of his pipe. "Shipwrecked on the shores of Chult. Chance adventurers, yet defenders of the Silver Gauntlet, defeaters of pirates, and most of all saviors of the world by ending the plague known as the Death Curse... yet so few give you credit! Then you open a theater company, and now aim to suicidally throw yourselves against an ancient dragon turtle." He smiles. "I like you. You're crazy. I want in."

​

The gang look at each other, then back at Zardoz. How does this sex-crazed buffoon know more about them than virtually anyone else? 

​

"Why are you here, Zardoz? What's the catch? And how do you know so much about us?", asks Peach.

​

He answers each in turn. He states that he's an underwater scouting specialist, and was originally planning on locating the Pirate King's hidden base - one he suspects is under the waves. As for the catch, he swears there is none! The Flaming Fist have paid him handsomely, and as long as the Bay of Chult is peaceful in the end, the means are flexible. As for knowledge, well... that he's coy about. The most Zardoz is willing to say is that it's more valuable than gold. Anyway. Didn't he overhear that they needed explosives?

​

Arnie perks up. "Yes actually! We'll take any assistance you can offer!" The others roll their eyes. Are they really getting in bed with this guy, figuratively if not literally? Wondering if there's more than meets the eye Bertram activates his Eldritch Sight. There. He knew it. This 'Zardoz' is an illusory costume.

​

"Well if he's coming, there's no way I am not!", Winchton huffs. "Besides, that damned giant turtle has it coming!"

​

"No bringing a baby into combat this time!", scolds Bertram. The half-orc nods. Of course not!

​

After one final offer of sexy time to Peach in Elvish (DM: Which the eladrin hilariously does not speak but others do, who blush red), the ridiculous dandy of a man turns to leave and prepare for departure. The historian tries to resist, but he's got to see. Dispel magic! Save for the blanket thrown over his shoulder the entirety of Zardoz changes. The hat shifts from red to purple. Skin from pink to dark grey. Long pointed ears sweep back. An eyepatch appears. Naked Zardoz is... an equally naked one-eyed drow?

​

A slight turn, a sly smile, and a slow clap directed towards Bertram are the only retribution that come. With a snap of the fingers the illusory human Zardoz reappears, and keeps on sauntering away. Huh. Strange fellow.

​

*         *         *

​

Hours later all convene at Fort Beluarian's dock. A few chests full of items were secured to rig as bombs. Arnie's happy to have loaded back up on the Flaming Fist's provisioner's famous hot sauces. Who knows, maybe dragon turtles hate them! After Winchton - now fully back in non-pirate gear - has a moment to explain to his remaining crew that the Pirate King and Winchton of the Handy Hands are one and the same, preparations commence. 

​

"Come on over to the Eyecatcher for dinner.", invites Zardoz, dropping his act a bit. "My troupe prepares a fine meal!"

​

Arnie perks up. "Troupe? You're a theatrical group as well?!"

​

"Traveling circus actually. I'm the ringmaster, of course!"

​

The handyman swoons. Fellow thespians of sorts! That sells it! Zardoz is 100% to be trusted! The others have more than a few questions regarding why a circus troupe are also mercenaries for hire. They have even more once Zardoz sends over a dingy full of performers to help repair the Emerald Eye who all visibly turn from human to dark elf once they leave the proximity of their own ship. At least the day's repairs are greatly sped up, affording Arnie the time finish his new scripts.

​

"Krenko? Do you think you could have a look at our newest play?", the handyman/theater director asks.

​

The former goblin speed reads the first page in seconds. "I'll have it all fully memorized by nightfall!"

​

Arnie swoons again. New actors and crew hired. An old friend who is also a legit Pirate King willing to guest appear. Fellow peers in the arts community connected with. A leading man who went from flubbing all of his lines to memorizing entire scripts in hours... sure, there's been catastrophic death and destruction, but this return to sea has been AMAZING!

 

Evening comes, and its off to the Eyecatcher for dinner. Curiously the dark elf circus crew on loan turn back into humans upon boarding their ship. Curiously they're also all male, it seems. Captain Zardoz Zord welcomes the Handy Hands below decks where a feast is laid out among overly piratical décor bordering on the absurd.

 

Conversation continues well past sundown. Upon request Zardoz drops the illusion, ridiculous half-naked scarlet pirate dispersing to reveal a now fully-clothed and dapper dark elf. Likely as it is that 'Zardoz' is not his real name, it works for now. He talks of a stifling life underground in drow society, life as a very successful leader of mercenaries, and his earnestness.

​

"I meant it, you know. Free of charge... I want in.", Zardoz says over wine. "I'm rich. Really rich. But you know what gold can't buy? True excitement! Raiding a dragon turtle's lair? That sounds fantastically fun. And I CAN help you find it."

​

The gang is still dubious. Peach speaks up. "Say we trust you. How exactly would you scout for an underwater lair?"

​

The dark elf smirks. "Come! See! You'll love this."

​

Wine glasses brought with, the Handy Hands follow Zardoz down to the darkened cargo deck. In the center of the ship a large circular tube containing a ladder descends down past where a ship's hull should stop. It occurs to Nakam: no wonder the Eyecatcher doesn't list and rock like a normal ship... there's something large attached underneath! One by one the gang descends down, finding themselves in a different vessel entirely. Small mostly-metal halls and hatch-sealing doors of fine artificer engineering show off what can only be described as a fully underwater ship.

​

"Gentlemen, my fine lady eladrin...", announces Zardoz, "Welcome to the Scarlet Marpenoth!"

​

This is certainly something. Looking out sealed porthole windows they spy the overall manta ray-like shape of the vessel. No wonder Zardoz boasts of underwater scouting. He has a mechanical sea creature for a secret stealth ship! A handful of curious gnomes in workman's clothing round the corner, eager to view the tourists.

​

"Are you okay?", Arnie asks them in alarm. "If you need help, blink twice!"

​

"What? Oh!", Zardoz explains. "The Scarlet Marpenoth is a Lantanese creation, legally and ethically purchased. I admit the tech is beyond me, however. This fine gnomish crew are well paid for their expertise, operating the systems of this wonder."

​

Well then. Impressive indeed! Though back to that question of the morning: With all the tools and means of approach at their access, how will they go about dealing with Aremag? Thoughts are pondered, more wine is had, and eventually all meander off to their own vessels. Better get some good sleep. Tomorrow, a dragon turtle becomes the prey.

​

*         *         *

​

"I spoke to that Zardoz fellow for a while last night", Winchton confesses in the morning. "Comes from wealth, craves excitement in life, more than a passing interest in piracy... I admit. We're more alike than not."

​

Bertram nods, otherwise focused on today's strategy. Yeah. It was kind of 'right there' but he's happy Winchton saw it for himself. The historian's thoughtful expression scrunches up when he realizes something Krenko told him. Fire immunity! Damn! So much for the explosive treasure chest idea. What else have they got?

​

What if Krenko was in the chest? Wouldn't that be a stab-happy surprise to Aremag! Boiling fire does come out of that mouth though. Maybe not the best place to be stuck in. What about a deadly treasure chest into its cloaca? Hopefully it's not fiery death in that hole as well? No, no... as comical as that would be, it isn't very practical. Also debatedly feasible. 

​

What about infiltration via the Scarlet Marpenoth? All things considered it's probably their safest option. Should that wacky submersible ship get noticed though, Aremag would tear it to shreds. 

​

"I meant what I said yesterday!", reminds Peach. "I'm pretty sure I could teleport us right to Krenko's trident."

​

It's insane. So insane it could work! Aremag wouldn't expect anyone to brave their lair. What he really wouldn't expect is a wild pack of heavily armed adventurers to appear out of nowhere! Hit and (if needed) run on a grand scale. Let's do it! 

​

Zardoz is informed, and though the mysterious mercenary captain is a bit miffed at the strategy he's more than willing to pilot the Marpenoth down to help distract and extract if necessary. The Emerald Eye sets course for Port Nyanzaru - no need for the rest of their crew to risk their lives in such a wild plan - and the Handy Hands gather around their eladrin bard.

​

The scroll of water breathing is cast. Peach closes eyes and imagines Krenko's trident the best she can. Then... *WOOSH*!

​

Black stillness yet the sensation of supersonic movement at the same time. A preserved corpse in a royal sepulcher holds a trident... no. *WOOSH*. A triton warrior charges into battle, forked spear above his head... no. *WOOSH*. An elderly lady knits, faithful trident of her adventuring days mounted above the fireplace... no. *WOOSH*. A three-pointed spear rests somewhere dark, somewhere deep, on top of a glimmering pile. There! That's it!

​

Immense water pressure. Utter blackness. The feel of... loose metal underfoot? Bertram risks a bit of light for his friends without darkvision. Jaws drop. This is no pile. This is one of a series of veritable hills of gold, silver, and platinum! Precious and unique items dot the mind-blowingly massive hoard of coinage and gems. Hundreds of years of thuggish dragon turtle robbery, all here, deep inside what appears to be the cave-like interior of an extinct underwater volcano!

​

A shape moves below the cave ledge - one the size of an island. Light is snuffed. With whisper and a hand wave Winchton's pass without trace settles over all, and the full might of the Handy Hands burrow into that which Aremag values most.

​

This big turtle bastard is going down.

​

Scorched bodies. Flaming wreckage. Amidst the softly rolling waves on an overcast afternoon in the Bay of Chult, Aremag the dragon turtle has left only ruin in its wake. The Emerald Eye, damaged as it is, smolders and creaks as it circles what remains of the shattered Stirge to rescue Peach and a strangely blissful-looking Krenko.

​

The Handy Hands survey the devastation. Excluding Winchton and his little girl only four crew of the Stirge remain. Many more had made it over. Unfortunately Aremag's final ruinous breath followed, their burnt bodies now littering the Emerald Eye's deck. Among them lies their own crew: Kobold inventor and bosun Skeek is a small scorched heap... and the intelligent and charismatic Wadizi is only recognizable by her ape-like form and four arms. With a *tink*, the elegant metal headband that Wadizi always wore falls to the deck.

​

"Captains!", Gorjok calls from the helm. "We need a heading. We shouldn't linger here!" Noting their own shredded sails and very limited crew, somehow they'd need both emergency repairs and to cover distance.

​

"I've got it. Throw me some ropes!", says Peach. The bard dives off and grows massively in size, polymorph'ing into a grey whale to tow the Emerald Eye. All hands on deck, old crew and survivors! Sails first, then far from this scene as possible!

​

Nakam and Arnie do their best to patch up wounds before the collective crew follows the cook Bill's lead, hacking off burnt and shredded parts of sails to quickly patch over with reserve sailcloth. The rapid repair work is interrupted only by the appearance of Winchton from below decks. Looking haunted and not saying a word, the Pirate King walks to the stern and looks down at the scorched body of a small elderly man: Wadsworth, Winchton's long-time butler. The large half-orc picks up the body, returning below deck in silence.

​

Sails repaired enough for now and Krenko's dragon turtle tail stew in belly (DM: Aremag's resistances are learned!), ways are parted with the Brazen Pegasus, Captain Ortimay angling her ship south to Port Nyanzaru for some well-deserved respite. For the Handy Hands? It's only half a day to Fort Beluarian. Though far from fighting shape, revenge is on the mind!

​

"Winchton?", Arnie calls softly through the door to the captain's quarters. "May I come in?" The handyman enters, finding the boisterous Pirate King on his knees over the body of Wadsworth, his child Esmerelda quietly cooing from the bed.

​

"I've... I've made some mistakes...", Winchton says, eyes not rising to Arnie's. Moments pass. "I never should have asked him to join me here in Chult. Wadsworth meant the world to me. I may be a Carmichael of Raven's Bluff, but only by blood. Have I told you that, Arnie?" The handyman shakes his head. 

​

"I never knew my father. Nor my mother, really. She died soon after I was born. An bastard orc boy in a noble human family... I had the name, but that was it. Unwanted. Unloved. Except for one kind butler who saw a young boy needing a father." Winchton smiles in remembrance. "He was the best father any boy could ask for. And my pride and hubris got him killed."

​

Arnie touches his fanny pack full of reagents. "We lost Krenko a while ago. The diamonds you gave me, Winchton... I could do it again. Bring someone back. We can make this right."

​

The Pirate King thinks for a moment. "Every bone in my body says 'yes'. But old Wadsworth, he would say 'no'. He never asked of others. He'd want you to help your friends in need, not an ancient butler. I know it. But I thank you, Arnie."

​

"You're a good man, Winchton. Remember that.", responds the handyman. 

​

With daily repairs thankfully getting the Emerald Eye into slightly better shape, all settle down for a night of travel. Wadizi's old tiara is just what Peach and Bertram suspected: a Headband of Intellect. No wonder she was such an intelligent four-armed ape! It draws Krenko's attention as he drinks himself silly. What would it be like to be smart for a change?

 

Whales in the night are of little concern to Nakam, and much needed sleep comes after a disastrous day.

​

*         *         *

​

"He does this, you know.", muses Winchton, Lovely serving hot cups of tea as most watch the dawn sun rise. "I've lost him three times now. Every time he reappears the next morning, serving tea. Strangest thing! I have NO idea where the porcelain ware comes from!" The calm is broken by a scream, Bill the cook bursting up from below.

​

"MONSTER!", Bill shouts. "There's a monster in the galley! Tail! Scales! Pointy teeth!"

​

Arnie leads the charge! The tea-drinking gang runs downstairs to see, there, amongst the pots and pans and a shattered pickle barrel nearby... a lizard-man admiring themselves in a knife's reflection? 

​

"Step aside, I've got this beast! Have at ye!", says Winchton. Slippery pickle juice turns his diving tackle into a belly flop, utterly missing the creature. The lizard-man turns towards the handyman, arms wide and with a crocodilian grin.

​

"Arnie! It's me! I've EVOLVED!" the creature says. Too confusing of a situation for anyone to react, it scoops up Arnie into a big hug. "My kind friend and theatrical director... I shall now have no problem remembering all of your scripts!"

​

As Arnie starts crying tears of happiness, Peach blinks. The lizard-man is wearing Wadizi's headband, last seen being played with by Krenko, who typically fell asleep in a pickle barrel. No way. "Krenko? Krenko, is that you?"

​

"Ah, yes, Peach. It is I!", the lizard-man states, now holding both Arnie and a squirming Winchton in something between a giant bear hug and a headlock, breath reeking of rum and pickle juice. "Now that I have the vocabulary voice my thoughts, allow me to explain you and I." The all-new crocodile-like lizard-man Krenko lets his targets loose, approaching the bard.

 

"Peach. I am breaking up with you. I lived. I died. I'm alive again now. I'll die again. We come from nothing, we end as nothing. I reject the notion that love is needed in between. So! You and I... we are done!"

​

No words are needed in return. Open palm to scaly face... *slap*! Peach runs out of the room. She was expecting words, but not this! Smart Lizard Krenko is a jerk!

​

Bertram ponders the headband on newly-reptile Krenko's head. Ah! He had a strong suspicion that Wadizi's headband was cursed, but this is a step beyond! The headwear makes someone very intelligent but also gets stuck there, that he guessed. But it seems it mutates humanoids into other forms as well. Unfortunate! Or is it? Krenko seems quite pleased. When the, uh, 'Genius Barbarian' asks to join in enjoying books for the rest of the ride, who is he to argue against shared interests?

​

An hour later the Emerald Eye docks. Another ship is anchored nearby - a garishly painted one named the Eyecatcher. Who's this now? After greeting guards and loading up Esmerelda and Wadsworth's wrapped body on to awaiting dinosaur mounts, it's over an hour inland trek to the frontier base. 

​

Fort Beluarian is much as Bertram and Arnie remember it. It's been over a year since they first arrived here after being saved by a tribe of vegetarian dwarves. It feels like a lifetime ago! After taking in fort upgrades it's a welcome reconnection with Ruhl, the jokester dino trainer they goofed around with so long ago. All is fine until they're on the way to meet Liara Portyr.

​

Winchton panics. A story. They never crafted a story! They can't just say the truth, as wild as it sounds! The gang works together to craft a narrative that makes sense, then it's into the lion's den. Blaze Liara Portyr - stern and fierce commander of the Chultan regiment of Flaming Fist mercenaries - awaits behind desk in her ceremonial plate looking all business.

​

"Winchton! You took our daughter to sightsee Port Nyanzaru for a week, that was over a month ago, and just NOW you're return... Why do you look like you've just lost a fight? And why are you dressed like a fancy pirate?"

​

The Pirate King smiles innocently, putting on his best non-Pirate King demeanor. "Honey, HELLO! Why, Esmerelda and I were having such a great time, especially after I reconnected with my old friends! You remember the Handy Hands?" The rest wave, trying their best to look completely normal. "They run a theater troupe now, can you believe it? And they invited ME to guest star in their shows! Of course we had to stay a while."

​

"Yeah!", adds Arnie. "To play a pirate! A... LORD of pirates!"

​

"Then we got robbed by Aremag on the way back!", interjects Nakam. "Got a little violent!"

 

"Ya!", says Bertram. "Winchton is such a good father, avoiding danger with his child and safely bringing her home!" 

​

The military commander stares. People sweat. An eyebrow raises, then features soften. She bought it! By the gods she bought it! Talk loosens and almost turns to catching up, with Portyr making it nervously clear that she is also highly invested in taking down this Pirate King Laskilar. So invested, it seems, that she's hired outside help.

​

"Making sure Laskilar isn't a problem...", Peach muses openly. "Long-distance connections can help with that."

​

The bard and commander stare at each other as the others watch on nervously. Oh boy. This could undo everything! Should this go south, at worst they start an international war with Baldur's Gate, at best they don't all make it out of here alive! No one can fault Peach for being sour after the way Krenko treated her, but being the one voice that Portyr may know due to Sending Stone messages long ago, now alluding to corruption and treason? This could be very bad.

​

Luckily the commander doesn't piece it together. Or at least take the bait. Instead she shifts topics. Portyr has hired her own specialist to find this Pirate King's secret base: the captain of the Eyecatcher. And here he is! The man who walks into the room is... a specimen. Flamboyant giant hat, sweeping waxed mustache and, well, not much else. Between the neck and big red boots all he wears is matching red bandoliers and vaguely erotic skimpy red underwear.

​

"Why hello ladies, gentlemen, and ladies again.", he croons in lusty tones, bowing. "Captain Zardoz Zord, at your service!"

​

Bertram and Nakam lean away. Winchton's eyes go wide. Peach flutters ("I can't believe I'm saying this in D&D but... 'roll to seduce?'"). Arnie takes off his Lab Coat of Many Things, throwing it around the nearly naked man's shoulders.

​

"You must be chilly.", he says. "Here! You can catch a cold, even in the tropics!"

​

Zardoz's hand caresses Arnie's. "Oh I do love a man skilled with his hands. All types are welcome, you know..." The sounds of expectant women come from down the hall where Zardoz came from. Arnie recoils as the half-orc hunter's wide eyes narrow. Winchton's greenish skin turns red.

​

"JUST ONE MONTH, Liara?! One month, and you turn to... to... THIS?!", he gestures wildly towards Zardoz. "I do all I can for my family, but no! Is it a randy dandy pirate man that you want? If you wanted a pirate who could get things done-"

​

"-Then it's a good thing Winchton has friends already on the job!", interrupts Bertram. Phew! Just in time. An indignant Winchton nearly blew their entire story plus his own cover! "Now about those shipping logs. We think we can triangulate Aremag's lair, and we have a good notion that if we deal with the dragon turtle that the pirate issue will solve itself."

​

The Flaming Fist commander excuses Winchton and Zardoz to cool off each in their respected ways, then gets to business. Talk turns to dragon turtle attacks, known patterns, and log books are given to Bertram. Conversation awkwardly pauses. Both sides know there's a lot left unsaid, and with how Portyr is speaking it seems she finally pieced history together.

​

"It was a poor choice.", she says. "But I had people I was responsible for protecting, and it was the choice that I made. If I could go back in time I can't say I would have chosen differently. I don't need you to understand. But maybe you do."

​

The Handy Hands collectively nod. Portyr caused a lot of harm by forming a pact with the pirates of Jahaka Bay long ago. But to what end do they seek justice for crimes of the past? Do they risk international conflict? Are they at the very least fine with destroying their friend's marriage, and leaving his child without a mother? It may not be over between them and Blaze Liara Porter of the Flaming Fist. At least for now, however, it's a truce.

​

"Krenko? Would you like to test your new reading skills by triangulating shipping logs?", asks Bertram.

​

The former goblin turned crocodile-man squeals with joy. "I thought you would NEVER ask!!!"

​

Walks are had. Tempers mellow. Old acquaintances from long ago around Fort Beluarian are connected with. Bumping and grinding from Zardoz's room above Krenko and Bertram's work area are tolerated. Hours pass. The historian and barbarian trace line upon line on a map of the Bay of Chult, then look up at each other.

​

There. That has to be it. Somewhere on the sea floor in that small quadrant... Aremag's lair hides. Time to find that bastard!

​

Libations pour well into the night. The plans are pored over as well, getting murkier by the pint.

​

"If we find Aremag's lair, then what? Pose as minions? Who'd be minions to a dragon turtle?", asks Bertram.

​

"Tortles?", suggests Winchton.

​

"TORTLE COSTUMES!", shouts Arnie. "Yes! We can make tortle costumes from our stage supply!"

​

A good plan? No? It's hard to tell. Things have gone fuzzy. The Star and Garters' small stage gets increasingly chaotic as Nakam joins Krenko, the pair drunkenly entertaining the late night crowd. Arnie goes full skeleton. The gang at least agrees that getting out of here on the Stirge and rendezvousing with the Emerald Eye is a good idea. No need to swing by Port Nyanzaru - they've already got Harbormaster Zindar's records. Sights will be set on Fort Beluarian. Problem, however: once Aremag's lair is hopefully located, how will they breathe underwater? A slurring Arnie jams a request note into Bertram's Living Pouch. Hopefully their patron Merchant Prince has a spell to help!

​

Pirates stumble out in search of beds, but Peach lingers. Waiting for the goblin on stage to finish his current song, she gives it a shot. "Hey Krenko. A lot happened today... would you like to talk?"

​

"About what? Nah.", he replies hastily. "Goodnight Peach!"

​

The elven bard sighs. First the cold shoulder after her return, now he acts as if nothing is bothering him at all? Even after she likely saved his life earlier today?! Not sure how to proceed, Peach sighs and leaves, the ruckus behind her showing no signs of stopping before the wee morning hours.

​

*         *         *

​

After waking up in the bar's pickle barrel (classic!) and a booth respectively, Krenko and Nakam ooze whiskey from their pores as they wander towards the familiar voices a few buildings. Ah, the Pirate King's Booty Storage. The handyman is entertaining himself by double-layering his Eyes of the Eagle with Eyes of Minute Seeing to produce a microscope effect. 

​

"Take those, Arnie! Debatably useful I suppose... as is this...", says Winchton, holding up a tree-shaped amulet.

​

"What does it do?", asks Bertram.

​

"Why, it's a tree!", the Pirate King responds. "That's it. It turns into a tree. A normal tree." Another item of questionable use but the historian won't turn down a gift. After convincing Winchton to spare some diamonds to top off Arnie's reserve of reviving reagents, a familiar brown hand extends from Bertram's pouch. Wakanga responds! With a spell scroll of Water Breathing no less! Of course the impossibly wealthy yet notoriously cheap bastard demands a fancy dinner in repayment. 

​

"You know, I've always wondered what that would be like...", muses Bertram. Wakanga has been doing it for the better part of a year. Why not in return? The historian cautiously sticks his hand into the pouch... and keeps pushing. Eventually he feels warm air, a solid wooden surface beneath. Surely the other side of Wakanga's matching pouch! Can he move the thing? He pulls with his fingers until he finds what feels like a fancy quill before his hand is rapidly slapped back out. Well! Can't fault a scholar for exploring space-time pocket wormholes!

​

After prep it's time to depart. "Board up, friends!", calls Winchton. "With half the crew still healing from the fireballs and insects we'd appreciate all hands on deck!"

​

'Laskilar' takes the helm. The Stirge drifts forward. Just as the ship's namesake figurehead almost pierces the giant air pocket that surrounds Reaver's Reef it moves out of the way, bubble wall expanding until they are fully beyond the base's boundaries. They separate into a smaller bubble, the Stirge lazily floating upward like a returning deep sea diver . Surface light grows more intense behind the rippling façade of the surface, until, with a mighty *SPLOOSH*, the Pirate King's flagship breaches the surface. Daylight ho!

​

It's a careful return to Pombu Cove - especially after a warning shot from the Emerald Eye. Luckily Krenko's new ability in illusion helps, summoning a giant grinning thumbs-up head-plus-hands version of himself to signal familiar friends! It takes Arnie and the others some two-way convincing (to the Pirate King's crew that they are actually actors learning piratic ways, and to the Handy Hands' crew that the pirates can be trusted) but soon enough they're on their way. Destination: Fort Beluarian, home of the Chultan regiment of the Flaming Fist.

​

*         *         *

​

Hours pass. Bertram fishes. No luck. Nakam and Peach hang out while Arnie and Krenko busy themselves below deck using costume supplies to craft tortle shells. Never hurts to be prepared! 

​

"SHIP HO!", Wadizi calls from the crow's nest. Arnie confirms. A ship coming from the south, and fast! Bertram pauses. Fast, and from the south? He asks for Arnie's glasses, looks for just a moment, then quickly reaches for his Sending Stone.

​

"Brazen Pegasus!", he shouts. "Divert route! Divert route NOW!"

​

The return call is delayed. "...Bertram?", comes Captain Ortimay's weary voice. "Two and a half days and it hasn't stopped! So... tired... Is that you ahead? Oh no. The boys have little left to give!"

​

"What is it?!", Winchton shouts from the next ship over.

​

"Friends! Friends pursued by Aremag!", Bertram shouts back.

​

Like an isolated tidal surge a massive mound of water rises behind the Brazen Pegasus as it rockets towards them, three palm trees cresting the surf as the much smaller smuggler's ship struggles to stay ahead. They arc their path but cuts it too close to the two larger vessels. The emerging island slows. Then rises. A huge dragon turtle's head turns and glares, good eye burning with hatred when it sees the Stirge. Then it bellows.

​

"LAAAAASSSSSSKIIIIIILLLLAAAAARRRR!"

​

The island of a shell drops beneath the waves, gigantic black mass surging forward underwater. If the Pegasus can't outrun it, they have no chance. To arms! To arms the best you can! Nakam mounts his griffon, the rest preparing spells as Krenko leaps off the deck with a strange gurgling yodel, Trident of Fish Command in hand to call forth... a tuna? It'll have to do!

​

The massive black shape arcs around the two ships and nearly pulls them into a whirlpool before it dives deeper, surges, then: *KRRRUNCH*! Aremag slams into the bottom of the Stirge with the force of a mountain, nearly upending the Pirate King's ship and sending half the crew flying overboard! Hoping to end this quick Peach fey steps across to cast Otto's irresistible dance and... nothing. Damn! He's immune to charm spells, and now she's stuck on the Stirge!

​

After launching a volley of blasts Bertram follows Peach's lead, dimension door'ing to the familiar trees growing on Aremag's expansive shell as a large tuna rapidly approaches. It's Krenko! The goblin leaps 'aboard', lodging the trident in the shell as he sprints towards the tail with blades in hand. Meanwhile on the ships Arnie buffers his allies with protective magics as Winchton's crew fires, unfortunately missing right before the raging dragon turtle sinks its huge maw into the Stirge's side... then inhales.

 

The air shimmers with heat. Then hell breaks loose.

​

Superheated steam bellows forth from Aremag's mouth like an unholy tropical storm! The two ships light ablaze as their crews drop scorched and unconscious, ironically only those knocked overboard earlier are spared. Nakam - flying above Aremag's head and smiting down - risks a flying retreat and goes into triage mode, activating aura of vitality to save Gorjok and the rest of the Emerald Eye's crew. A mass heal from Arnie brings the rest of their crew back to the fight as a thoroughly burnt Peach leaps out of the blast zone to polymorph into a giant shark.

 

The shell crew leaps to action! Bertram fruitlessly seeks for a weak point as Krenko leaps over the edge to grapple Aremag's giant-yet-stubby tail, sinking his teeth in. His eyes go wide. Sweet, sweet MEAT! Rarely mentioned to even his friends, long has it been his deepest desire to consume dragonkind. Dragon... dragon turtle... more than close enough! In the wash of ecstasy Krenko hardly even notices as Aremag dives once again.

 

 *KRRRUNCH*! Once again the mountain of a dragon turtle smashes the Stirge from below, thrashing with maw and claw as Winchton steers madly to right his flagship. Crewmembers conscious and unconscious alike fly through the air... and into water that shimmers with rapidly increasing temperature.

​

"Pull back!", shouts Bertram from the surf, but it's too late. Overwhelming heat radiates from the entirety of Aremag's body and the superheated water boils, scorching the historian, Krenko, shark-Peach, a handful of Winchton's crew, and the Stirge itself. The force is too much to bear for the Pirate King's beleaguered ship. The hull cracks fatally down the center. Flames and boiling water surge into the lower decks.

​

"ABANDON SHIP!", Winchton shouts. "ABANDON SHIP! Wadsworth, Lovely - go! I'll be right back!" Leaping over his ship's wheel the Pirate King sprints for the Stirge's lower levels and is soon out of sight. Half the Stirge's crew is still injured below decks, but there also a toddler down there in need of a father. Hopefully he can make it out in time!

​

Another inhale. Another ruinous exhale of scorching steam! The side of the Stirge is blasts inward, screams of agony heard across both ships as Arnie and Nakam's high-speed triage work are undone. Bodies fall limp around them, but Bertram and shark-Peach don't relent. If they can't force Aremag to retreat no one is making it out of here alive! The polymorphed shark gets off a huge critical hit as Bertram eldritch smites with all of his might, Nakam soaring in to deliver another fly-by smite as the dragon turtle thrashes to fight off its assailants. 

​

Far away an unseen drama plays out. Aremag's thick tail slams into Krenko yet can't dislodge him as he forcefully crawls underwater, goal in view. There! A cloaca to end all cloacae! A hand goes in, then the other. The goblin barbarian pulls apart with all of his might... then bites. The dragon turtle's eyes go wide. Teeth should NOT be there! (Peach: "Did Krenko literally just eat ass as a combat action?")

​

Enraged, Aremag whirls then surges upward, head towering above the two ships. The shell expands as it inhales yet again. Winchton barges out the rapidly disintegrating Stirge, child in arm, bounding through the air with his Boots of Striding and Springing to land on the Emerald Eye just before a third apocalyptic blast rages forth. The Stirge blasts apart. Screams go silent as life forces fade. The Handy Hands' vessel creaks in distress, sails half shredded away.

​

"Captains! We can't say here!", Gorjok shouts from the wheel.

​

"Go, Gorjok!", Arnie shouts in return. "Get us out of here!"

​

The Emerald Eye lurches forward to escape. The massive island-sized monster sinks below the waves, no doubt fully able to ram the Handy Hands into an early grave... but it the killing blow doesn't come. The black shape below the waves shrinks in size, smaller and smaller as the dragon turtle swims into the depths.

 

The end may come, but not today. Whatever hurt the Handy Hands put on Aremag made the creature retreat after the destruction of Laskilar's ship and crew. Death and ruin surround. But as few as they are, at least some survive.

​

"Krenko! Wait!"

​

By the time Arnie catches up to it's too late. Remembering his love for exotic meats in the battle's final moments - and perhaps doing his best to avoid addressing the fact that Peach just saved his life - the goblin jams the third mind flayer brain into his mouth. Colors explode. Alien psychic energy washes over Krenko's mind as he falls off the deck with a splash. His arm moves. One of the ship's tentacles moves. He waves. It waves. Krenko's eyes go wide. He is the ship! The tentacle lifts him back up to the ship - his own private elevator! - before madly bounding through the ship eating every dead thing possible.

​

"What if we talked about our feelings? Therapy can be really- nope." Arnie stops as Krenko runs up a deck to stuff a brain-dog-thing into his maw. "Well. Maybe later."

​

Peach rolls her eyes. "Men. Anything to avoid a conversation!"

​

The organic vessel's very walls react to Krenko's presence as he runs by, fascinating Bertram. A psychically-powered ship! He starts poking around as forceful vomiting is heard above, the goblin finally shoveling one too many fatty brains into his stomach. The ship's reactivity fades. Darn. That would have been nice to study.

 

Bertram turns to the big barrel-chested half-orc who has been awkwardly waiting for a moment. "Alright then. Winchton? Pirates? Underwater bases? Mind devouring allies? This all REALLY needs an explanation!"

​

Their old companion scoffs. "Who's Winchton? I am LASKILAR! Captain of captains! The Dread Pirate King himself! Old adversaries wander into MY base of operations... I believe THEY should start explanation!" The half-orc nervously glances at the few crewmates of the Stirge watching the interaction then back at Bertram, leaning in to whisper. "Look old bean, it's 'Laskilar' here. They don't know! I'll explain it all. I promise! One moment..."

​

Crew sent back to tend the Pirate King's ship, Winchton relaxes, then grins. "Hah! The Handy Hands themselves! It's so excellent to see you all, old friends! I can't believe it! Welcome to Reaver's Reef!"

​

Arnie looks incredulous. "Winchton... Handy Hands help! Piracy isn't a nice way of helping! Are you a bad guy now?"

​

"Why Arnie, I'm helping the best I can!" Their old companion sighs, then smiles. "Here's how it started..." Away from his crew, the Pirate King's tale finally comes out.

 

Some time after leaving the Handy Hands Winchton suspected his paramour - Liara Portyr of the Flaming Fist - of cheating on him. Investigation led him to Jahaka Anchorage, where he met Captain Laskilar and found out the truth of Portyr's deal to keep pirates from interfering with her organization's ships. The matter seemed all but concluded when the Handy Hands scuttled the entire pirate network, but a chance meeting with Laskilar a month later led to an interesting opportunity.

​

The pirate captain was apparently earnest in wanting to retire. What better way for Winchton to subvert the entire dilemma than by taking over the seas, cutting all pirate ties to Liara Portyr to keep his family safe? A deal was made. He'd become Laskilar, jump-starting his reputation! And so the crew of the Stirge was disbanded, a new one brought on with the original Laskilar called Winchton by that name, and a new iteration of the Dread Captain Laskilar was born.

 

'Pirate King' came later, after multiple crews were wrangled under his banner. He lost himself in the role a bit, he admits, but Winchton is adamant that he's doing the right thing in enabling organized (yet gentlemanly and civilized!) piracy.

​

"And these things?", asks Peach, gesturing to the dead mind flayers. "Eating brains isn't very gentlemanly, Winchton!"

​

"Slavers! I let them loose upon the crews of slaver ships!", he responds. "Terrible business I know, but no one misses a slaver and I had to wrangle the brain biting bastards somehow. Fell from space, I'm told? I believe they were trying to fix their giant snail ship to fly once again. Many thanks, by the way. Glad to be rid of them!"

​

Bertram points a finger. "But your child, Winchton? Who brings a baby to a ship battle?!"

​

"Hey now, you all brought the fight here! Reaver's Reef was peaceful until an hour ago. I told Liara we've been making trips to Port Nyanzaru to enjoy the culture. Besides, Lovely is a wonderful nanny!"

​

The debate continues for a while. Happy to see an old friend yet frustrated by his obtuse stubbornness as to how he's not really helping like he thinks he is, they at least agree to not heighten the argument at this time. It does however become clear to Arnie that Winchton and Liara may not be on the best of terms. Maybe there's another angle there? For now, at least, Winchton Carmichael, a.k.a. The Dread Pirate King Laskilar, leaves to tend his crew and permit his old friends the spoils of war. 

​

The organic interior is creepy but thankfully devoid of further threats. The pods of the prisoner holds contain no unwanted surprises, though the cargo hold turns up a couple of welcome ones. Comfy velvet slippers Peach identifies as Slippers of Spider Climbing, and a gravity-defying crystal revealed as an Ioun Stone of Absorption. Not bad spoils at all!

​

Where's Krenko, by the way? Grunting from above is tracked down, where the goblin is manhandling what must be the helm of this bizarre ship. It responded to him when he ate brains earlier. That faded, now more brains aren't doing it! Frustrating! What if he just... thinks at it? He casts message - 'Go ship!'. 'Go ship!', he hears back... from a nipple?

​

'Hello?', he thinks again. 'Hello?', the organic nub resembling a nipple repeats. Ahh! What is it?! Arnie arrives to relate his idea to masquerade as actors researching roles just in time to see Krenko freak out, rip the nipple from the control 'board', and throw it over the deck's edge. 

​

"Oh. Hey. That's magical!", exclaims Nakam, detect magic active as a curiously magical nipple flies overhead. There's a scramble to repair it with mending, but... now what? There's a magical joystick-looking nub, too. Seems this so-called 'nautiloid' is fairly useless unless you're a mind flayer. May as well harvest and try to repurpose both! 

​

After meeting Winchton's kindly old butler / father figure Wadsworth for some tea (and fruity drink for Arnie), it's down into the Stirge to rest up a bit and do exactly that. The weird wobbly joystick nub is unfortunately a lost cause after Bertram accidentally snaps it, but the 'nipple'? This he can work with! An hour later the thing grotesquely but artfully hangs on a braid of rubbery skin - a Nipple of Mind Shielding!

​

There's talk of what to do. There's no desire to turn over their former companion to port authorities. And Winchton probably wouldn't take open murder of his remaining pirates too lightly. Either way if something happens to him by their hands, who knows what wrath Liara Portyr would respond with. There's her to deal with too, by the way. Yet something is bothering Peach: Winchton mentioned something about a deal with the massive dragon turtle Aremag. What's up with that? 

 

"Ahh, there you all are!", 'Laskilar' barges in and interrupts jovially. "Now as promised - how about that tour?' 

​

*         *         *

​

The dinghy ekes forward Winchton's power as he narrates like a cruise guide. Reaver's Reef! What a place! A merfolk colony long abandoned for some unknown reason, the previous Laskilar along with former enemies captains Elok and Al-Zarouk had worked out a deal with Aremag to acquire the new secret base location so close to prime shipping routes. They never got to enjoy it before the Handy Hands gutted the Jahaka Bay operation, but Winchton inherited knowledge of the place along with his title. In rambling about his plans for his small fleet of ships, one name sticks out.

​

"Winchton. The Bane of Kythyss... we found it. It wasn't lost in a storm. It's worse.", says Bertram.

​

"Aremag smashed it right in half, and made off with all the loot!", interjects Nakam, still disguised as Biff.

​

The half-orc shakes his head, laughing. "You must be mistaken! Aremag is an ally! The previous Laskilar set up a deal with-"

​

"A greedy monster? One that craves nothing but gold?", interrupts Peach. "You do pay it a cut, right? ...Right?"

​

The Pirate King is silent, features slowly falling from a grin into one of dread realization. And somewhere far, far away on a relaxing sunny beach, a retired mustachioed dandy called Laskilar in his previous life suddenly sits up, recalling that he completely spaced and skipped a critical detail when informing his descendant. 

​

"...Oh. Oh no.", Winchton quietly mutters. "I... think I need a drink."

​

The Stars and Garters is a colorful if not curious place. Pirate chic on top of merfolk architecture certainly makes a unique atmosphere for a tavern. After meeting the bartender Ringo - a sentient ooze who arrived with the mind flayers' ship - the gang joins the Pirate King at a booth. Well. Mostly. Krenko sits a table away, still unsure of how to interact with Peach.

​

Pints are had as the dilemma is laid out. There's the pirate problem, partially whittled down yet complicated by the fact that the Pirate King is a good friend. There's Liara Portyr, never brought to justice for enabling the previous pirate confederation, yet also Winchton's spouse, let alone the diplomatic conundrum. And then there's Aremag. A brutish thief the size of an island, smashing every ship in sight due to Winchton's unwitting failure to hold up a deal.

 

"Don't worry about Liara.", Winchton says. "We may not be on SPEAKING terms, but it's my concern to deal with. Aremag, though... I don't even know where to begin!"

​

"Just catch up on paying it bribes?", suggests Nakam. Heads shake. No. This has likely gone far beyond the time for that.

​

"What about a trap?", says Peach, watching Krenko take the stage to entertain (or maybe just avoid conversation).

​

Arnie perks up. "OOH! An island! We make it look like a sexy female dragon turtle!"

 

"A sexy island?!", says Bertram. "And then what? Encourage mating in Port Nyanzaru? It'd crush the city!"

 

Winchton ponders. "A ship trap may work. After that though who knows. Assuming we survive, Aremag would just flee."

​

The quandary is discussed at length. Getting Aremag's attention has never seemed incredibly difficult. To permanently deal with a dragon turtle the size of an island, though... you'd have to leave it nowhere to run. You'd have to corner Aremag in the one spot its greed would never allow it to leave: it's lair and treasure hoard. Maybe the Flaming Fist could help?

​

"Winchton... You know that we cannot overlook Liara Portyr's crimes.", says Bertram.

​

The Pirate King fixes his eyes on the historian. "Mr. Frode. You're a good friend. One of the best men I've ever met. But understand that I have a family. My daughter will grow up with a mother, and I will fight to the bitter end to see that true. Do you understand?" Bertram has his reservations, but he nods. Compromise rarely leaves everyone happy. "Besides...", continues Winchton, "Perhaps with a way to save face, there's a way for us all to have a chance."

​

Perhaps not. Yet perhaps so. Over drinks and a kickin' remix breakdown by a rocking Krenko on stage, a soft plan is made. Between the pirates, Port Nyanzaru, and Fort Beluarian there may just be enough route data to triangulate Aremag's lair. It's a heck of a gamble. But if the old bastard of a island-sized thug can be dealt with? Having both a Pirate King and the good graces of the Flaming Fist in your pockets are two handy things indeed! 

​

Somehow their old friend Winchton Carmichael became a Pirate King and has - among other oddities - an organic ship full of brain-eating monstrosities in his fleet. With whatever agreement or truce established between them clearly just ended, there's no time for alternatives or to make sense of it all. A cosmic horror of a crew just went rogue! Man the battle stations!

​

The shrieking 'mind pirates' with vacant eyes swarm Peach in her t-rex form and rip grievously into her hide, yet the bard amazingly holds spell concentration throughout the onslaught. The dinosaur roars and takes out two in return as Nakam (still disguised as Biff Longsteel) and the Pirate King leap ships to assist, Arnie doing his best to heal Peach's wounds at range. One of the nautiloid's massive tentacles arcs over head and slams into a crewman of the Stirge... and they vanish in a puff of smoke? Avoid those tentacles!

​

Krenko hesitates. He's been restored to life for over half a year, but hasn't raged since. To make it worse, last time he did it it was to jump on a ship and fight a pirate crew. And here he is again! Peach needs him though. She can't take them all on alone. With a scream the goblin barbarian rages and sprints into the fray, slashing all in his way before setting his eyes on some weird brain/bird/tentacle monster emerging from the ship's interior. Whatever it is, its going down!

​

Crew loyal to the Pirate King exchange close-range ballista fire with mind pirates on an upper deck before Arnie defiles the balcony with another insect plague. Bertram's dark angel of a shadowspawn paired with his eldritch blasts tear into the mass of enemies around dino-Peach where Krenko, the Pirate King, and Nakam down them left and right, Lovely swinging around above with baby in arm to shoot with his pistol.

​

"Lovely! Get Esmerelda inside! This is no place for a baby!", shouts Winchton. The orangutan hooting in acknowledgement before high-tailing it back to the Stirge. 

​

The raging goblin whirls, a tornado of blades, newly-grown beard, and pirate swag. Yes! The chaos of battle! He had forgotten how much he had missed this! He shanks the gross beaked brain thing and shoves it back, ready to pounce for the killing blow when- *CHOMP*. Peach's t-rex mouth descends from above, devouring his quarry. No! She wouldn't even let him have this moment?! Krenko's eyes grow wide and wild.

​

"RAAAAAAAAAA!!!", he screams, looking around in fury and battle lust. He eyes the nautiloid's interior.

​

"Krenko! Wait!", Arnie yells. "Remember what happened last time!"

​

It's too late. As the Stirge's crew returns fire and the nautiloid's tentacles arc down to 'disappear' another crewmate, a berserk Krenko charges inside looking for something, anything to take his anger out on! Up a deck, into the nearest door looking for a victim... he finds it. A gangly, rubbery-skinned creature with tentacles where a mouth should be, flanked by what can only be described as giant brains with dog legs pause. They're just as surprised to see the goblin as he is them! Krenko doesn't waste a second. He leaps on the thing to bite its face, wrap an arm around its neck and swing to its back, stabbing it repeatedly.

 

He's not trapped in here with them. They're trapped in here with him!

​

On the insect-covered ballista deck above Winchton sees another tentacle faced-alien emerge. A second one! Air shimmers aboard the Stirge as it motions its arm. The present Handy Hands thankfully shake off a psychic invasion though a number of the Pirate King's crew succumb to confusion. Two stare into space. Two more swing wildly! Despite missing a spell Arnie is able to extricate himself towards dino-Peach and the rest aboard the nautiloid, where Nakam systemically works with the Pirate King and Bertram to clear the deck of remaining threats.

​

Winchton looks up to the ballista deck and calculates risks. What a mess! "Enough with the bugs today, Arnie!", he calls.

​

He's got to do it, though. If not for the remaining ballista, then for the second mind flayer. He knows these things. There's three of them: psionic alien co-captain triplets who came to him with their bizarre squid ship, asking only for brains in payment. The closer they are to each other, the greater their deadliness. Got to risk it! Magical boots activating again, the Pirate King soars upwards right into the swarm of carnivorous insects to make quick work of the surviving mind pirates. 

​

Meanwhile, Krenko's screeching goes quiet. The rest grow alarmed. They know the sound of Krenko in action... something must not be going well in there! Indeed the grappler has become the grappled, and as the first mind flayer's tentacles wrap around the goblin's head it's prey goes limp.

 

Stunned. About to have his mind devoured by a variety of brain-craving freaks.

 

Not if Peach has any say in the matter.

 

"KRENKO! I'M COMING!", she yells, dropping her t-rex form and half sprinting, half teleporting up the stairs past Nakam and Bertram. She may be relationally out of sorts with Krenko but she's not about to let history repeat itself! *Ka-THOOM!* A blast of radiant energy explodes outward, utterly exploding both of the brain-dog things and another approaching brain-bird thing, also greatly injuring both the mind flayer threatening Krenko and the second one running from Winchton. 

 

Seizing the moment, the Pirate King wades through the biting insects to whip around a loaded ballista and fire it square at the back of the second mind flayer. A resounding hit! A shape hovers down from the nautiloid's bridge far above in the open shell interior. The third mind flayer! Just as Winchton starts to dread how bad it could possibly get a floral-shirted handyman runs into view, hands glowing with the heat of the sun.

​

"ARNI-HILATION!!!", he screams (DM: as the other players groan). A beastly 7th-level scorching ray blasts out and upward just as the third of the mind flayer triplets comes into his view. What a hit! All three of the tentacled captains reel back from the combined blasts, but the battle isn't over yet. (DM: What a save! If not for Peach, Arnie, and Winchton taking absolutely crazy and amazing turns, Krenko's history indeed was very likely to repeat!)

 

It's far from over. Krenko in front and the entirety of its foes conveniently lined up, the first mind flayer shrieks a mighty psychic wave across the deck. Nakam, Peach, and Krenko all swagger, minds frozen!

​

Kill them..., Winchton hears in his mind. KILL THEM ALL. The Pirate King's eyes glow red as the second mind flayer takes over his thoughts. The half-orc turns a hateful glare towards Peach and charges.

​

"EIGHT MONTHS!", Winchton screams, pike in hand. "Then nearly a YEAR! You never visit! You never write! Not for our bonding ceremony! Not for the birth of my daughter! NOTHING!" A stunned Peach can do nothing but mumble as the Pirate King's pike stabs into her repeatedly.

​

His own stun fading, Krenko sees a chance. He snarls and saws his blade across the first mind flayer's neck, rips off its head, then screams as he sprints across the room towards the second mind flayer. Holding the head its mouth tentacles and swinging it like a morning star Krenko smashes one mind flayer head into another, the second's eyes going white for a moment as it loses psychic focus. Winchton's face calms, he regains his composure, and looks down at Peach's wounds.

 

"Oof. Sorry old chap.", he says sheepishly.

 

"Hurrmmurr uhh ohhay...", the addled bard mumbles, trying to regain her own wits.

 

Another wave of crushing psionic stun from the descending third mind flayer hits like a migraine, yet most shake it off. The air shimmers as the second one tries to flee from a maniac goblin. It's trying to escape via the ballista deck! Winchton charges forward and- *WHACK*! Runs face first into an invisible wall of energy. The creature croaks a burbling laugh.

 

Peach has seen this. It's a wall of force! Stun shaken off she sprints downstairs in hopes of cutting the mind flayer off outside as Arnie launches another salvo of up-ranked scorching ray at at it. Bodies may be blocked, but not spells! The arcs of fire pass right through, laughter turns to a scream of pain, and the air shimmers again. Wall of force broken! All hands on deck!

 

A raging Krenko charges once again and beats the second mind flayer down to the ground, screaming as he bare-handed rips its head off as well. Covered in gore he stands in victory, mind flayer head in each hand held up high by the face tentacles. Totally gross! Yet totally rad!

 

Injured and far from an escape point, the third mind flayer stands no chance. Nakam slashes at its legs. Bertram blasts. Winchton throws his pike like a spear. Arnie lets loose one final torrent of fire, and the hovering tentacle creature falls. 

 

The former mermaid settlement dubbed 'Reaver's Reef' by its new occupants goes quiet.

 

The Handy Hands and their allies descend to the nautiloid's main deck as two mystified Stirge crewmates come from below, teleported down there earlier by the ship's giant tentacles. Brain-dog things lay unmoving by the dozen, partially phasing out of the 'mind pirate' skulls they were piloting before themselves expiring. The organic ship itself hums slightly, tentacles slowly idling now that none control the helm.

​

"So.", starts Winchton Carmichael, looking over his old friends. "It would seem I have a bit of explaining to do..."

​

Shark-Peach quickly scans the waters searching for further threats. Nothing. For better or worse the seafolk pirate crew went all in on assaulting the Handy Hands, paying with their lives yet leaving none left to question. Their ship - the Dredge as its nameboard reads - is at least a fascinating vessel. An inverted sailing ship with masts converted into keels and a bound water elemental as a propulsion system. Not quite a full submersible, but impressive nonetheless!

 

The surface, on the other hand, is a minor disaster. The Emerald Eye floats in-tact yet on its side, Nakam futilely trying to right the ship alone from the air, while Arnie and the others tend to the dead.

​

"This will take most of the day.", grumbles First Mate Gorjok. "We'll need to unload weight before she can be righted." The gang nods and immediately gets to work. As eager as they are to explore the Dredge's interior, they can't risk being utterly defenseless at sea. An hour later an approaching ship raises tension, Nakam flies to thankfully receive a friendly greeting.

​

"Ahoy! We're the Morning Moon, out of Calimport and bound for Port Nyanzaru.", calls their captain. "Barely evaded pirate troubles ourselves! Looks like you could use a hand?" When Nakam reports back, it's welcome assistance!

 

With the extra aid the momentous task of righting and loading back up the Emerald Eye takes less than a couple hours. Excellent! Time to see what upside-down pirates consider valuable, yes? Bertram cautiously explores, finding the Dredge's interior just as unpopulated as its "surface". A semi-organic trident is quite the prize! What's more curious though is a large conch shell horn giving off a slight magical aura. What's this for?

​

A voice rings out. Right! They had heard someone inside the pirates' ship just as the battle ended earlier! Krenko works his way up into what would be the lowest level hold of a proper ship and finds it full of air. Dirty hovels in the corner. This must be where the cannibal dwarves dwelled away from their seafolk peers. And there, along one wall, a prisoner in the brig.

​

"I am KRENKO! Captain! The Bearded! The Mighty!", he announces to the lone man in the jail cell.

​

"I'm Eddy! With a 'y'! The uh... Captive? Hey! Get me outta here, okay?", responds the blue-haired sailor.

​

The story isn't too glorious. The rest join and Eddy explains that his merchant ship was headed towards Chult, he got caught when scouting the oddity of the upside-down 'wreck', and his ship fled without him. Due to his water genasi heritage the seafolk pirates didn't kill him right away... and the things he heard as a captive fly on the wall!

​

The seafolk spoke of the ship's dead leader (Captain Kraknass), cannibal dwarves (no one liked them), controlling the bound elemental (it speaks Primordial), and returning to Pombu Cove to pay tribute to the Pirate King. The last bit didn't make much sense. Pombu Cove? The gang passed it on their way to Jahaka Bay long ago. It's a tiny sea cave hardly large enough for a ship to fit inside. How can that be where this new pirate alliance is operating out of?

 

It's a lead at least. Clues are pondered as time is well spent fully looting the Dredge. What a haul! Heaps of platinum, gold, silver, and gems. A few potions. A Belt of Hill Giant Strength that fits a certain paladin just right. A pewter tankard that constantly emits smoke when its tankard lid is open delights Arnie. A smoke machine? What a perfect stage tool!

​

Eddy escorted to the Morning Moon after Arnie offers a job with the Handy Hands Experience, the merchant ship takes off. Time to plot. If this Pirate King is in Pombu Cove, how do they approach this?

​

Krenko ponders. "Laskilar will know the Emerald Eye. He knows we were last on it. Hard to be sneaky."

​

"What if we disguise ourselves as prisoners, and take the Dredge?", suggests Arnie.

​

"Ya, I have an idea for activating the elemental.", says Bertram. "The Emerald Eye is far better for direct combat, though."

 

"What if the Dredge tows the Emerald Eye?", suggests Nakam. The rest light up. Convince the Pirate King that Captain Kraknass finally defeated the Handy Hands? Yes. That could work!

 

Arnie, Krenko, and Peach get to work assembling the costumes needed for such a ruse as Bertram rigs the ships together. Hole bashed into the Dredge for easier access, Nakam enacts Bertram's plan. Shapeshifting into the visage of Captain Kraknass and with tongues cast on him by the warlock historian, the paladin asks the elemental to return to Pombu Cove.  The swirling shape in the orb glows. The Dredge lurches forward on autopilot, slowed even more by towing the Emerald Eye. A slow autopilot, but slow is fine! The Handy Hands plot and plan into the night, rest well, and prep for infiltration.

​

*         *         *

​

Surf breaks within the tiny sea cave known as Pombu Cove. No walkways. No humanoid activity. It's definitely the place, though. Another trick is just how small the cave is: only one ship can safely fit in at a time. So much for the Plan A.

 

Okay then. Plan B: Hiding in the Dredge and impersonate Captain Kraknass for a semi-stealth infiltration as their own ship guards the entrance. Less firepower but more sneaky. Could work. The inverted ship heads in alone and... nothing. The water runs very deep below, but no illusory walls, tricks, or responses to Peach's hails are to be seen or heard.

​

"Well. Here goes nothing.", says Bertram. Recalling what Eddy overheard and noting the cave water's surface has a weird enchanted sheen to it, he raises the mysterious magical conch horn to his lips. BWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 

​

The Dredge sinks in the water... no. The sea is rising! The gang watches in suspense as the very water rises like a thin sheet around the inverted pirate ship to form a liquid dome over the entire vessel. Bubble fully formed, the ship and occupants drift under the waves as the bubble travels downward. Pombu Cove isn't a pirate base. It's the top floor of an elevator!

 

In awe and wonder the Handy Hands travel below the sea. Schools of fish swim by the giant traveling air bubble, Krenko not missing the opportunity to use the Trident of Fish Command that Bertram found to force one to jump right into his mouth. The V-shaped surf of a rapidly moving ship is seen from below, and behind it, the immense shape of a pursuing island-sized turtle. Over a day later and the Brazen Pegasus still is on the run, kiting a relentless Aremag! 

​

Bertram can't help but be impressed at the commitment. "We're going to be paying their bar tab for ages..."

​

A glow comes. Not from filtered light above, but from phosphorescence below. The bubble sinks lower and lower beneath the waves where up ahead the outlines organic structures of coral are lit by luminous reef life, surrounded in a massive bubble of its own. An underwater town! As their own bubble approaches it merges with the larger air pocket a layer of seawater perhaps twenty feet deep between their hull and the sea floor acts as an artificial "surface". Their vessel's water elemental slowly plods forward around the wondrous town's edge. A distant figure on a coral tower rings a bell.

 

"Get ready, boys.", mutters Peach, scouting for threats.

​

A mast rises into view. Another. A third. There's no mistaking the familiar figurehead of the ship ahead: it's the Stirge! The Pirate King... they're being ferried right towards him! A piercing headache familiar to Peach suddenly comes over all, strong enough to cause Krenko and Arnie's noses to bleed. This was stronger, though. More intense. Whatever it is, at least it fades to a dull throb as their inverted ship crawls to a standstill on the starboard side to none other than the Pirate King's flagship.

​

An elderly man, well dressed for a pirate, hails. "Ahoy! Ahoy there! Captain Kraknass, how fare you?"

​

"Well!", calls Nakam, disguised as the sahuagin captain. "The seas are ripe, and we return to bring the King his share."

​

The old man nods. The rest of the crew is motley to say the least. A hobgoblin, a few tortles, two kobolds, a handful of humans, an albino dwarf... and is that orange ape swinging around the crow's nest wielding a flintlock pistol? "Your arms, captain! What happened?! And your ship. Why do you ride above it rather than below, and alone surrounded by captives?"

 

Nakam sweats. Crap! Right! Captain Kraknass had two pair of arms. Maybe they were, uh, lost in battle? "Oh. Lost 'em. And we bring captives... former enemies of Jahaka Bay.", he responds. There's an uncomfortable pause as the Stirge's crew murmur amongst themselves. The elderly man turns back to Nakam.

​

"You see, sir. Something is quite worrying to us...", the old man replies. "...Captain Kraknass never speaks in Common." A tense few seconds go by in silence. Damn! They've been made! "TO ARMS! IMPOSTERS! GO WAKE THE PIRATE KING!"

​

"HEY!", yells Krenko, pointing at the old man as weapons are drawn. "What's a pirate's favorite letter? ARR!" His target's face is blank at first but hideous laughter takes hold and the elderly fellow drops to the ground in a fit of laughter.

​

Wasting no time to get nasty Peach throws off her phony bindings and leaps forward, polymorph-ing into a huge t-rex and slamming into the Stirge's deck. The ape hoots as it swings around to shoot the big dino in the back with its gun, nearby enemies largely scattering at the unexpected apex predator. With a "YARR!" Arnie morphs into his skeleton pirate visage and launches forth an insect swarm over the rear third of the enemy ship as Nakam jumps on their bow, executioner's axe in hand. Despite inferior numbers, this surprise attack is off to a great start!

​

Until the headache throbs again. Where one rival ship are now two and... what in blazes IS that thing? Instantly appearing on the far side of the Stirge is a techno-organic monstrosity that can only be described as the halfway point between a tentacled mollusk and a battleship. The disappearing ship that Peach and others saw! It was here the whole time, psionically convincing their brains that it wasn't! The crew of the new 'ship' raises their arms to point and shriek in unison. Seafolk pirates, underwater bases, psychic horrors... what else does this Pirate King command?

​

Stirge crew flee Arnie's insects by jumping to the Dredge where Bertram and Arnie stand vigilant. Spells and weapons clash! Krenko tag teams with Nakam to slash down defenders on the prow as the tyrannosaurus thrashes and snaps, enemy pirates getting off a couple well-placed crossbow shots in return before surging in on Nakam, Krenko, and dino-Peach.

The chaos elevates even more when the thick double doors leading to the Stirge's captain's quarters kick open from within. And there, large tricorner hat on head and huge pike in hand... it's him. Laskilar. The Pirate King.

​

"Who dares intrude on the lair of the dread pirate king Laskilar? Arise, me hearties! Fight for home and heart against these scurvy dogs!"

​

Showing no fear the King superhumanly leaps into the air, wrapping an arm and his pike around dino-Peach's neck and grabbing the other side to swing around like some obscene necklace. Krenko follows, running up Peach's tail to face off with this Pirate King... yet something's off. Krenko never met Laskilar, but his 'WANTED' poster was that of a stylish dandy of a human. This Laskilar is big. Broad. Greenish-grey skin and protruding orcish tusks. And even stranger: oddly familiar. The goblin pauses his thoughts as he holds on for dear life, dino-Peach leaping for the third ship to tear into the new threats.

​

This aggression will not stand with the handyman! Hands glowing, Arnie sends forth a mighty fireball that detonates the middle third of the Stirge, much of its crew collapsing. A resounding success, if success is measured in charred corpses! Bertram defends Arnie before they trade roles, enemies closing into melee range... when the unexpected happens.

​

"Hey.", says the reddish skinned female hobgoblin. "Weren't we, uh, at the same party once? Rich guy's house? You were investigating a murder with your friends?" Bertram cocks his head in recognition.

​

"You!", says the albino dwarf, pointing at Arnie. "Over a year ago but how could I forget! NEVER SALT A SNAKE, I said!"

​

"Aww man, it's him!", comes a call from a skinny pirate on the central ship's deck, pointing at Krenko. "The Dino Whisperer! You're a LEGEND, man! Mountain Dew Baja Blast? Whatta ride! It's me! WOMFORD RON! Remember?"

​

What is going on here?! The Handy Hands look around. Leirisk the hobgoblin guide. Grim Ironwood the dwarf. Womford Ron the dinosaur racer? That tortle looks familiar, too. And is that a sewer kobold over there? Then there's the Pirate King. Large half-orc. Barrel chested. Drooping mustache. Tiny glasses. Utterly fearless with a polearm.

​

That isn't Laskilar.

 

The Pirate King. The Pirate King is Winchton Carmichael. Gentleman ranger. And former Handy Hand.

​

"Stand down you brain-eating maniacs!", the Pirate King shouts. The odd crew of the third ship freezes in place. The King lets go of his pike, drops to the deck and hops to the Stirge to better survey the scene. "What in Tiamat's tumultuous teat is going on here?! Bertram? Bertram Frode? Is that you?" The historian nods, still half disbelieving.

​

'Laskilar' looks at the walking skeleton wearing a tropical shirt, then back at the goblin on the t-rex. "Arnie? Krenko? By the gods Krenko, you maniac! You finally went and ate Arnie! And the pink dinosaur, I can only assume that's Peach?"

​

Dino-Peach turns around, pulling off the best surprised t-rex face she can. "WERRNSHTERN?"

​

"You though. I don't think I know you.", Winchton says, looking back at Nakam.

​

The changeling quickly morphs into familiar blonde himbo mode. "I'm Biff!" The half-orc raises an eyebrow. The wounded elderly man stands up as the orange ape re-emerges from below decks, baby in a bjorn on chest.

​

"Dread crew of the Stirge? I'd like you to meet my OLD crew... my good friends, the Handy Hands.", says Winchton. He motions to the old man then the orangutan. "Arnie, Peach, Bertram, Krenko, and... Biff? This is Wadsworth, my oldest and dearest friend. You know Lovely, of course! And this is my daughter. Esmerelda."

​

"WAIT!", shouts skeleton Arnie, dropping back to his usual visage as Lovely waddles over to give the handyman a big bear hug. He panickily looks at the charred pirates bleeding out all over the deck. "You mean I just fireball'd all of your... your... friends? OH!" As the handyman rushes around the deck trying to stabilize as many of his victims as he can, there's too many questions. What! Why! How!!! Last they saw their good ally he left to be a good father. Now he's a notorious pirate lord?

​

"Esmerelda? You named your daughter after a dinosaur?", asks Krenko.

​

"Well why not? Better than naming her after a dog!", Winchton responds. "Besides, she was a very kind and loyal-"

​

The half-orc hunter/pirate halts. The creepy staring crew of the bizarre third ship all turn to stare at him. In unison they screech, lurching forward. Something is wrong. The ship's tentacles lash furiously.

​

"Brain sucking bastards! I'll explain later. Let's go!" And the Pirate King charges, Hands to the rear.

​

"Ahh! What is it?! LOOK OUT!"

​

The massive silhouette wooshes as it sweeps in and out of view, city residents' shouts of panic ringing in the warm sunset evening. The huge beast lands with a crunch on top of a nearby building and roars mightily.

​

"RAAAAOOOooooh hello uncles Bertram Arnie Krenko and Nakam!" A little arm waves. "We're back!" An elven figure waves from the flying dinosaur's back. It's Peach! They've returned from the Feywild! And boy did Cobbler get big! Matured to nearly adult size, and with fey-touched little vestigial butterfly wings into full-blown colorful majesty, no less.

​

It's a welcome reunion. For most, anyway. As the Handy Hands finally fully reunite after over half a year apart, it's Krenko who seems less than fully enthusiastic. He and Peach poured their hearts out for each other after he was resurrected, then she just took off for half a year? And now acts like it's no big thing? The goblin doesn't quite know how to take it.

​

Peach is quickly caught up. A meeting with the Ytepka Society was organized after the Handy Hands showed vested interest in dealing with the current threat of a so-called 'Pirate King', who has organized crews into a formidable force to plague the shipping lanes of post-Death Curse Chult. Now, a few days later, it's time to meet and talk business! Descending to a lower level of Kaya's House of Repose, the gang arrives as guests of the city's egalitarian 'secret' society.

​

Ahh, familiar faces. There's Pock-marked Po. The senior Merchant Prince Zhanthi. That darn fish vendor Arnie has been harassing for nearly a year now. Harbormaster Zindar, of course. And Captain Ortimay, their gnomish drinking buddy at the Thundering Lizard! Sharing drinks with Krenko and quickly catching up, seems like the gang is in for a bit of a presentation.

​

Things get down to brass tacks. Zindar recaps (DM: see last session). Ortimay - hired by the city as a naval scout - adds curious details: Jahaka Bay shows no signs of pirate activity, yet this Pirate King's raiding territory is uncomfortably close to Port Nyanzaru and overlaps with Aremag the dragon turtle's established shakedown spots. It doesn't really make sense. There's no way a new piratical base of operations exists so close to town. And the possibility of an alliance between sea bandits and Aremag? The notion is downright scary.

​

Bertram cringes when a surviving merchant sailor detail their encounter with this Pirate King: A ship description that matches that of the Stirge. Captain Laskilar's ship. Damn! In the wake of Krenko's death and not wanting further casualties the Handy Hands had let the final captain of Jahaka Bay go without a fight. And here he is again. Great. This problem just got personal.

​

The contract is readily agreed: 5,000 gold plus all the spoils of battle they can carry. Ortimay agrees to the Brazen Pegasus running distraction on Aremag as the Handy Hands investigate. There's some Arnie confusion regarding this not being naval conscription, uniform choices, and if he should be a living skeleton or not, but its par for the course for the handyman. Arnie's Little Helper III is drydocked for upgrades, so the Emerald Eye is deemed the battleship of choice.

 

A few days to prep and head out. Time for a montage! 

​

Gear is prepped by Bertram before he acquires a copy of Zindar's shipping records. That should help sort out what other traffic SHOULD be at sea. Nakam uses newfound divine ability to summon a friend - a griffon, named Feiglion! Why walk when you can fly? Krenko, Peach, and Arnie all get to work on their own ideas of what anti-pirates should look like: Krenko goes full spike-covered Blackbeard (with the help of Bertram's old Belt of Dwarvenkind!) and commissions his old prosthetic hand to be turned into a mace, Peach buys every too-much-cleavage leather bustier she can find, and Arnie secretly toils to create "costumes", so he says. Cobbler is left in charge of Clone Arnie, Esmerelda, the living doll trio, and even Mr. Withers, freshly coached in how to give seminars on dungeon profiteering. Hopefully they don't return home to chaos.

​

*         *         *

​

With a cheer from the kobolds working on Arnie's Little Helper III, the Emerald Eye takes to the seas! A passing "full moon salute" from the crew of the Brazen Pegasus signals their arrival and the pair of ships head out into the rainy morning seas. Now, where to begin? A known recent shipwreck a day's sail to the northeast seems like a good place as any to start.

​

"Krenko, you okay?", asks Arnie, noting his friend's nervousness. "Didn't you DIE on this ship? Wow! That's gotta be weird!"

​

"Oh. It's fine.", replies the goblin. It's clearly not. It doesn't help that Krenko and Peach spend the day in close quarters doing what they've been doing the last few days - alternating between ignoring each other and sniping comments like bickering divorcées. Peach's taunting flirt with an oblivious Arnie nearly sends the goblin below decks.

​

"Maybe new clothes will cheer people up! Gather round guys!" The handyman unveils the custom theatrical (and highly stereotypical) pirate costumes "Look! Custom embroidered name tags, too! This one's for deck swabber Bert Rum. Another for Leach the Wench! Cabin Boy Seacomb! I'm First Mate Blarney. And of course here's Captain Kranky!

​

The rest stare, silently daring each other. At sea just a matter of hours and Arnie is already in Unrealistic Production mode? Of course he is. Do they aid and abet this? Bertram sighs and folds first, donning the deckhand digs. 'Bert Rum' it is!

​

Late day arrival at wreckage-strewn coastal rocks breaks up the awkwardness. Nakam takes to the sky to get a sense of the spread of debris, Bertram and Krenko diving into murky water as Arnie and Peach water walk on up. It's a wreck alright. What's glaringly apparent is the method of destruction: smashed just like their initial ride to Chult, The Marid's Whim! Back on the deck of the Emerald Eye half an hour later, the clues that don't quite add up as expected. Bertram found a hidden smuggler's compartment and loot box. Picked clean of loot otherwise. Peach located the ship's sternboard - the Bane of Kythyss... not a ship name known to the Harbormaster's ledger.

​

"This was a pirate vessel.", reasons Nakam. "Yet destroyed and looted by Aremag? Hmm."

​

"Look, another ship!", calls Peach. Yet when the rest turn to spy the distant silhouette of an oddly shaped vessel that the eladrin bard saw on the horizon... nothing. A strange dull headache suddenly rings in her head. An hour later in hot pursuit of the sighting, remaining light fading, still nothing. A new ghost ship? Both this and the shipwreck. They don't make sense. 

​

"Wave surge!", Ortimay's voice suddenly calls over the Sending Stone. Three palm trees and a moving 'island' break the surf. They've been spotted! "AREMAG INBOUND! COMMENCE OPERATION DISTRACTION! Handy Hands... good luck!"

​

The small smugglers' ship jets off at an angle to skirt the massive dragon turtle, Bertram relieving Gorjok from the helm to rapidly escape northward as the Brazen Pegasus lives up to its name, boldly flying past Aremag's snout and into the dark. The Emerald Eye sails throughout the night, sleeping in shifts and not risking a stop until well out of known turtle territory.

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*         *         *

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No threats come dawn. Good. Calm seas, rising sun, a passing pod of dolphins. *WHAM!* Krenko's Grapple Fist version 2.0 slams into a dolphin, the bard-barian soon follows, and the morning seas run red.

​

"Dolphin meat for breakfast!", he cheerily announces, dragging the corpse on board. Y'know, with the Pan of Perfection brought along to aid Bill the cook, no one can really complain. This dolphin meal is perfect!

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They're not even two hours into traveling southwest towards another known wreck when Wadizi the garillon calls down from the crow's nest. "SHIPWRECK HO!" What? It's nearly a day's travel to their destination. Eyes turn starboard to see, indeed, an entirely capsized ship floating upside-down in the middle of the open ocean. Nakam and his griffon return with one of a few waterlogged bodies - a sailor, for sure. No holes in the wreck's hull, though. What happened here?

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*Ploop*. *Ploop*. Arnie looks around as logs float to the surface. Six logs, curiously all around the Emerald Eye. What is this? The handyman watches on quizzically as the logs angle themselves towards their ship... then rotate. Albino dwarven riders spin into view in dugout cockpits, goggles worn over bloodstained lips... filed teeth...

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Arnie's eyes go wide. No! It can't be! FOR REAL ACTUAL CANNIBAL DWARF SNEAK ATTACK!

​

Using hand cranked paddles the six logs bear forward, bobbing to reveal rotating drill-like mechanisms that begin spinning as they approach the Emerald Eye's hull. Take them out, quick! Bertram blasts one as Nakam and his griffon land on another dwarf's log. Arnie terrifying blade barrier whirrs into action on port side, absolutely shredding two logs and their drivers, while Peach gets creative by using animate object to commandeer one of the "drill boats" and slam it into another.

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"Keep calm, Krenko... keep calm...", the goblin mutters. Last time he raged on a ship, he died! Keeping his cool Krenko leaps to an approaching drill boat to slam its dwarven driver in its stupid pointy teeth. Movement under the water catches his eye. More dwarves on logs? No. Swimming shapes. There's more to this ambush! The others look towards the upside-down hull as two devices angle into view on its edge, appearing from below the water's surface. Ballistae? *FOOM*! Dual hooked harpoons with thick trailing chains launch over the Emerald Eye, catching on the far side of its deck just as a snarling hoard of various seafolk - tritons, sahuagin, mermaids, fish-people - rise into view.

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That's not a shipwreck! That's an inverted pirate ship! And their aiming to flip the Handy Hands upside down!

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As Nakam and Krenko take out two dwarves and Bertram summons his shadowspawn, the chains go taut and pull! "HOLD FAST!", First Mate Gorjok calls, but its too late. The Emerald Eye lurches and turns entirely on its side, dumping all but the historian into a fierce mob of aquatic pirates. This isn't good.

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"Krenko!", shouts Bertram from the Eye's sideways mast. "Don't move!" With a calculated dive the warlock drops down right on top of the pirates and their intended goblin victim, dimension door firing off at just the right moment to bring the pair of them to the "top" of the attacking ship. Gotta break the chains before they can fully invert the Eye! One chain busts under the combined effort of Bertram and his shadowspawn, the other unfortunately holding fast. Better than none!

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Surrounded by enemies. No Krenko nearby to help. Just like him! A fuming Peach eyes a new target for her ire: that large four-armed sahuagin who is shouting commands! Dropping animated objects for polymorph, a giant Peach-colored shark munches down on the seafolk pirate captain and starts to death roll.

 

Dwarves largely dealt with, Nakam mounts back up to follow Krenko in rushing a pair of spellcasting kuo-toa. Unfortunately the Emerald Eye's crew - and Arnie! - are on their own, desperately flailing in the water to avoid the swarm of seafolk attackers. The handyman is able to extricate himself, but not everyone is so lucky. The young Chultan ship surgeon, Juma, falls to numerous cutlasses. The single intact chain pulls again though thankfully just angles the sideways vessel, lacking the fulcrum to fully invert it. That enemy crew of 15 or so seafolk, though... even with the chain success, this is bad news!

​

The historian has an idea. It's not a pretty one. But it'll work. "Sorry Nakam! Sorry Peach!", he yells across the waves, jumping in the water and angling best he can to let loose a furious cone of cold. Two friends are hit, but so are every single one of the sea-based raiders! A third drop dead. The other two thirds look quite wounded. Bertram looks towards Arnie.

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"...Fuck it.", says Arnie.

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A targeted firestorm rains down on the handyman's command, nuking the remaining pirates and leaving only a few left swimming. Some hits are taken in return but it's mostly a matter of mopping up for Krenko and Nakam as they prowl the waters. Soon all that is left is the sahuagin pirate captain, still vice gripped in the jaws of shark-Peach.

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"Peach!", shouts Krenko. "Don't kill him! We need him for questioning!"

​

Shark-Peach stares at the goblin. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. He leaves her AGAIN and now dares to tell her what to do?! 

 

With a mighty chomp, two halves of a fishman captain splurt into the water.
 

It's been almost a year since that fateful shipwreck. Almost a year since a few survivors braved a strange tropical land, picked up allies along the way, and eventually became known as the Handy Hands. An unlikely yet stalwart group of adventurers they were - and still are, to a point - who became the little known heroes of their age by defeating a dimension-hopping undead wizard and his attempt at puppeteering his way into godhood. Finally, some rest and relaxation was earned.

​

Months pass. Times are good.

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Well, as good as times can be during a rebound from a pandemic recession during the tropics’ rainy season. Port Nyanzaru continues to restore itself to normalcy and even though trade is still down, spirits are high. On many stormy nights lately the sound of music and laughter can be heard resonating under the patter of rain. It’s one of those nights at the charmingly rowdy dive called The Thundering Lizard that old friends casually meet for an evening of drinks and stories…

 

(DM: What follows is a 'coda' of sorts. News of the world is covered, some loose ends are addressed, and most importantly, new adventure plans are made! With the 'Tomb of Annihilation' dealt with, what's next?)

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*         *         *

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~ News From Around Chult ~

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The Order of the Gauntlet, led by Commander Undril Silvertusk, advanced into Aldani Basin and established peaceful relations with the strange lobster-people of the same name. Cultists were dealt with near Matolo, as were Lantanese profiteers illegally lumbering the forest. It is unclear how much truth there is to the rumor that an elderly witch doctor was responsible for cannibalizing the entire populace of Mbala, but regardless, the mesa-top village now serves as a forward base of operations in fighting undead threats.

​

Reports are that, while still great in number, the undead hordes across Chult have returned to disarray as they were before the ill effects of the Death Curse. The communicable spread of undeath has also very thankfully not been witnessed since then, with necromantic energy functioning as ‘normally’ as one could expect.

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Through the efforts of Merchant Prince Wakanga O’Tamu, Syndra Sylvane was brought back from the dead. The retired adventurer and mage returned to her home outside of Baldur’s Gate, but not before letting the Handy Hands know that they’ll always have an ally in herself and, should they have need, the support of the covert organization for good known as the Harpers.

​

Word has spread that an heir to Omu exists and seeks to rebuild that aspect of Chult’s legacy. Regardless if The Forbidden City itself is part of the vision or not, reception has been lukewarm. Some welcome an imperial return as a way to make Chult a world power yet others view it as a relic of the past, with Port Nyanzaru’s mercantile oligarchy as a better path forward.

​

Health improved, Rubrik Kegbelly returned to the ‘Librewery’ in Blingdenstone to check up on its operation and the greater Kegbelly clan. Lennik 'Crumbeard' Kegbelly continues to operate The Thundering Lizard, which is just as charmingly shabby as always.

​

Artus Cimber and Dragonbait have not yet been heard from, presumably still far from civilization on their own investigative quest. At least the reports of a massive frost giant ship have dwindled, and perhaps the ranger’s pursuers have moved on.

​

The Ytepka Society have reported that as trade has been rebounding, so has piracy. A self-styled ‘Pirate King’ is rumored to be consolidating and organizing ship-based banditry, hindering Port Nyanzaru’s process of economic reconstruction. Aremag's presence has not helped. The cantankerous old dragon turtle is aggressively exploiting their dominance in the Bay of Chult as shipping lanes pick back up, along with the pirates hindering operation of any ‘oceanic tourist experiences’.

​

The Flaming Fist have been keeping to themselves in recent months. Word is they’re still strengthening their presence in eastern Chult, conspicuously unaffected by shipping lane troubles otherwise. Though aware of the evidence against Commander Liara Portyr, the Merchant Princes have yet been able to overtly take action due to delicate economic and diplomatic complexities.

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*         *         *

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There's food there. Somewhere. For better or worse the bar cook Goldie has moved on from his cumin obsession and on to 'garnish'. All of the garnishes. At once. At least there's burger patties under the mountains of greenery and Bertram, Nakam, Arnie, and Arnie's clone enjoy another meal at their usual haunt. Though Peach and her dinosaur son are still touring around, Kek and Krenko are in town visiting and that's cause enough for a celebration! Recent times are caught up on.

 

Bertram works at the Museum of Chultan history alongside chief curator Zaidi, doing his best to make sure history stays local and doesn't follow colonialist trends. His grandfather, the celestial Sachiel, has been called elsewhere and departed on good relations for a change. The historian has been in cautious contact with his mother and sister via letters, rebuilding a sense of family. The chwinga in his beard wasn't much for city life and eventually parted ways with Bertram's glorious grey mane. The tiger Samryn rarely leaves his side however, becoming a familiar sight alongside the historian during his frequent trips to the Grand Souk and Red Bazaar for 'kitty food'.

 

Arnie has been hard at work with the Handy Hands Experience, writing musicals, hiring new actors (ex-gladiators Timmirith and Crazy Larry, and Talgali the aarakocra), and fixing up the ships. Dockside shows (standup, improv, and poetry nights!) aboard the Arnie's Little Helper III have helped business expenses break even, true profit and oceanic tours still hampered by the rebounding economy and threats at sea. He and his mom have been writing to each other frequently, and we suppose Clone Arnie has been too, though most of the stuff that guy writes is weird as heck.

​

Nakam has been working small jobs around the city to earn his keep and honestly is pretty fine with the situation. It's been a while since he's been able to just be himself and enjoy the little things in life. The changeling still doesn't talk much about his past, but keeps himself busy in the present. With 5,000 gold spent by the Handy Hands to convert the larger of their two ships - the Emerald Eye - into their main tourist vessel and renovate Little Helper into include Krenko-inspired kobold flying technology, there's been no shortage of ways for Nakam to help Arnie out behind the scenes.

​

Kek's tribe has been thriving. Around 20 strong now, their new multi-species collective attracted individuals from numerous walks of life. Former jungle guide Azaka has been an invaluable member, her secret were-tiger lycanthropy accepted in the startup community. Kupalué is the latest happy new addition to the family, emerging from the eastern woods to join with their three tiny newborn spore-children. With peaceful relations with a nearby albino dwarf tribe and undead threats low, the monk's vision of an egalitarian community flourishes.

​

And then there's Krenko. Hiring a bard to basically act as his therapist, the goblin roamed for a while, sometimes with Kek and sometimes out and about. There's a lot to get off one's mind after being dead for a while! Traveling with a minstrel renewed Krenko's interest in entertaining others but also fueled a longing: going alone has been great for mental health, but what's an entertainer without people to entertain, and friends to do it with?

​

As the goblin rouses the patrons of The Thundering Lizard with his jaunty flamenco guitar-backed tale of his travels and new interests (multiclass 'bardbarian' time!), Arnie's wheels get spinning. New scripts. Krenko's new stage desires. A changeling friend who is honestly a terrible actor but can play nearly any role. This is just a test run away from solidifying!

​

"Nakam! Stand over there. You're King Toloki, alright?" The handyman puts on his director hat (a furry beret with ear flaps), his clone mimicking his moves as he goes. "Krenko! Tell us about the time when Captain Grapplefist fought his nemesis for the third and final time!"

​

What a tale it is! Sort of. It honestly doesn't make a lot of sense. The spirit of Eshowe's ruler returns at sea, there's a flying monkey for some reason, Krenko has both hands but also a grapple prosthetic that becomes a foot, Toloki swings the chain-foot back but everyone is missing, and no one knows how to end the scene. But the energy is great. And perhaps most importantly, it's enough to make the goblin want to return to acting.

 

It's hard to say no... especially since there's actual danger out and about! Sure, there's a pact to save Eku from her fate in the Nine Hells, but it's said that time is an eternity in such a place and what's a few more weeks at least? There's pirates to fight once again, a desire to return to Jahaka Bay and perhaps deal with the large dragon in that area, and Commander Liara Portyr of the Flaming Fist to bring to justice. Not to mention a massive dragon turtle that has been plaguing the Bay of Chult that someone should finally deal with. 

​

Handy Hands, reunite! Adventure awaits!

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(DM: The tale continues at their 13th level and beyond! A bit of time is needed to plan that out, however, and it's a great opportunity to take a break and play around with other game systems. See you all soon!)

Previous entries have been moved to improve load times and your reading experience. Click below to find them!
 

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• Chapter 1: "A Shipwrecked Misadventure." - Entries 1 through 11.
  ​After a disastrous journey at sea, four travelers become necessary allies and eventually friends as they get their bearings in a beautiful but hostile land.​
   

• Chapter 2: "The Shining Jewel of Chult." - Entries 12 through 20.
  Chult’s great city of Port Nyanzaru hosts a wealth of possibilities, where new friends are gained as the fledgling adventuring party establishes themselves.
   

• Chapter 3: "Famous and Infamous." - Entries 21 through 27.
  Local fame leads to larger concerns, and the crew find themselves as notable figures involved in the city’s events and intrigues.
   

• Chapter 4: "The River Expedition." - Entries 28 through 38.
  The Handy Hands bravely set forth into the uncharted jungles of Chult on a mission... and this time, they have experience and planning on their sides.
   

• Chapter 5: "Ruins and Robots." - Entries 39 through 55.
  Rumors of forgotten temple ruins are just too good to pass up, and the goal of retrieving a dead wizard’s construct leads to odd encounters with the locals.
   

• Chapter 6: "Death and the City." - Entries 56 through 67.
  A return to Port Nyanzaru is both welcome and ominous, as evil plots and villains abound, and news of an escalating 'Death Curse' ravaging the land emerges.
   

• Chapter 7: "Salty Shenanigans." - Entries 68 through 77.
  As city-sponsored privateers and entrepreneurs of dubious skill, the Handy Hands take on nautical threats both piratical and supernatural.
   

• Chapter 8: "On the Trail of the Dead" - Entries 78 through 94.
  From somewhere in Chult, the Death Curse radiates. The Handy Hands follow clues and their instincts, leading them deep into the unknown…
   

• Chapter 9: "The Forbidden City." - Entries 95 through 101.
  Omu. A wretched hive of snakes and villainy. The Handy Hands close in on the origin of the Death Curse, but the city's inhabitants won't make it easy.
   

• Chapter 10: "Tomb of Annihilation." - Entries 102 through 128.
  Somewhere deep below Omu, a nefarious archlich and his Soulmonger infects our realm with the Death Curse. The race to save the world is on!

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