WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE.

Eight layers down in the Hells a hot rod still roars. The pursuing swarm has grown impossibly big, catching up bit by bit as the machine diverts around barriers. A hag and a human race, and above them, a snake monster with a plunger on its head.

​

In that snake monster's head is an orphanage. Devil children wander as their enormous caretaker devours. Fighting off a mob of stuffed toys stands Bertram Frode, ripped and fierce, another plunger on his head.

​

Dusk. Fog creeps in on the eerie mining town of Hilltop. Arnie knows the name well - many a time Bertram mentioned his hometown as a place he never wished to return. But why is it here at the heart of his mind? And Eku, too!

 

The couatl stands in human form... or is she? Nakam and Arnie find her weirdly out of it and sometimes phasing between celestial, fiendish, and human. Her thoughts come and go. They're getting somewhere at least: it's at least better version of her than the orphanage level 'above'. Is she able and willing to guide them through Hilltop? Why, yes, of course!

​​

Before departing, Fish hears the sound of a ship's mast creaking inside the barn. She knows. She shouldn't look. Hair raises on the neck. She's scared, but of what? She must know. Turning around the monk sees... her silhouette? It swings through the barn's wall on a shadowy rope and vanishes.​ A vision? No. Nakam and Arnie saw it too! Eku already heading into town they have no time to ponder and rush to catch up.

​

Hilltop has a strange oppressive malice. Candlelight windows that wink out as they near. Quiet save for whispered voices ever out of sight. Was this Bertram's childhood? A low-flying raven the size of a mansion reminds them that this is no reality. Quick! HIDE!​ The rotting raven croaks and caws, intruders spotted, and the whispered voices grow agitated. Left exposed while Peach and Fish dive for cover Nakam throws up darkness and grabs Arnie and Eku to run for a nearby home.

​

"Knowledge!", croaks one angry villager as it approaches the door, the trio flat against the walls and silent inside.

​

"Murder!", caws another, eagerly circling the house.

​

Dozens of them, all strange blends of corvids and people wielding tools and torches, and all rasply calling. "Murder!" "Knowledge!" "Murder!" Despite the almost comical limited vocabulary of these things they need a way out. Arnie checks the bedrooms. Soft violin music? Interesting. Slowly opening a door a hunched figure is seen over a small debris fire. It turns.

​

"You shouldn't see me!", the gaunt man screams. "NO ONE SHOULD SEE ME!" The figure jumps out the window, bird people cawing in surprise and giving chase. The massive undead raven flies away and all goes quiet, but who was that? Arnie can't help but notice it looks very similar to Nakam when he's unconscious or dead.

​

"Uh. Nakam? I think I saw... you? A live you, looking like dead you, but still not looking great." says Arnie.

​

"If it ran away we should have nothing to fear.", Nakam responds. It doesn't sit right, though. Just like Fish's apparition he had a dread feeling about that bedroom. Fish and Peach joining they make sense of why this house and others they've seen from the outside feel 'off': Everything is superficial. These aren't houses. They're ideas of houses. Bertram's mind made Hilltop but didn't necessarily flesh it out. That must mean there's something here of detail. Eku? Lead on!

​

Mentally disguising themselves as bird people and casually interacting with locals as Eku leads ("Murder?" "Murder." "Knowledge!" "Barrel." "(Shh Fish, 'knowledge' or 'murder' ONLY!)", they find the heart of the phantasmagoria. Bertram's deal with a hag over a year ago has caused specifics to be forgotten, but the Frode residence is easily more detailed than the rest of the town. A young man yells at his family within and there - silent and staring at his dinner plate - is a crisp and clear teenaged Bertram Frode. Knocking at the door does nothing, nor the window. Shall we try to go inside?

​

The second that Fish picks the lock and opens the door it is clear that the house is wrong. No warm light and dinner table. No family. A long dark hall... a smiling grin. The silhouette of Fish runs at her full speed, growing cohesion and laughing maniacally until dissipating into a spray of seawater. Ropes creak and waves splash in the distant air.

 

This isn't good! Going 'deeper' may have softened Eku and hopefully Nephetys too, but what else is coming loose? When Peach mentions that she keeps seeing a dead t-rex with butterfly wings out of the corner of her eye it gets them wondering. Are they becoming 'soft' too? The sound of Nephetys' shouting draws their focus towards city center.

 

There's Nephetys' tracks, her voice now sounding from a nearby tavern. The Town Hall's bells ring... no. Church bells? Arnie freezes. He knows these bells. The bells of the Temple of Lathander in Baldur's Gate. He and his mother would go, always receiving disappointing looks from his work-obsessed father upon return.

​​

"Boy...", whispers a figure on the bell tower. The Sewn Sisters mimicked his dad long ago, but this feels MORE real. 

​​

No! Don't look! Arnie breaks into a run out of Hilltop, motion exciting squeals of 'knowledge' and 'murder' from a new voice resonating within Town Hall. Do they even want to know what Bertram's mind keeps locked away in there? It takes some talking down before Arnie is coaxed back... with no small help from a bottle of dream-wine summoned and chugged by the handyman. Glowering shadow and freakish Town Hall occupant quietly left behind, the nameless tavern is entered.

​

There's Nephetys, cornered by a mob locals! Arnie ordering a 'knowledge' drink and Fish dream-manifesting a glowing 'KNOWLEDGE? MURDER?' sign outside clears out all bird weirdos except for the bartender and the devil.

​

"Where am I? Who are you? Explain yourselves!", Nephetys demands suspiciously. No recognition? Interesting.

​

Bluffs fly out quickly from all. They're friends! From, uh... Tophill, next town over! They HATE bird people there! We're here to rescue you! Unfriendly yet confused, surprisingly the erinyes is just as quick to buy their shoddy story. Interesting again. Nephetys seems less and less herself as they descended from mind to mind, yet Eku is becoming more and more herself. But now what? Any mention of mind heisting causes Eku and Nephetys bleed from the nose. There's dozens of bird people outside now, and whatever as in Town Hall seems to also have emerged to check out Fish's sign, trapping them here.

​

The tavern's wooden distorts into a hag's face. Mad Maggie! Less cohesive than in the orphanage and definitely harder to comprehend, luckily Nakam's comprehend languages saves the moment. Maggie confirms. They're right: they need to keep softening Eku and Nephetys! Hopefully one more mind layer deeper will do it. If there's anywhere to somehow end Eku's soul contract it'll be there, with maximum Eku and minimum Nephetys.

​

"I'll do it.", volunteers Peach. "Use my head next. Gotta be happier than Bertram's brain!" The bard currently appearing as a child mine worker takes in the sounds outside. "I think we need to find somewhere much safer to plunger, though..."

​

There has to be somewhere not scary in this town. Yet leaving the tavern by the front door seems dangerous. Back door? Perhaps. WAIT! One mind level higher Maggie said that one might be able to temporarily hijack the dreamspace from the dreamer. Fish has to try! The kobold suit-wearing monk closes her eyes, thinks really really hard, and-

​​

*FOOM!* Fish yanks control of Bertram's mind and twists reality. Tophill is real and at war with Hilltop! The historian made refuges there based on all of his friends, including a shrine for Peach! Bertram's friends are always welcome! With a thought the monk rips the back door off the tavern, everyone within being violently ripped out yet calmly floating into Tophill.

​

"WE GOT BIRDY ALL OVER US!", shouts a mine-helmeted Tophill human over the chaos of battle, pointing his pick axe at rows of archers firing at a wave of approaching Hilltop bird people. "GET TO SAFETY! GO!"

​

No arguments, sir! A huge gnarled tree experiencing all four seasons at once and door embedded with a glowing sign reading 'Peach's Palace' clearly must be the place. Running to the sanctuary sadly gets the hapless bird bartender who was sucked along for the ride utterly Platoon'd, but somewhere warm and not creepy is found at last. Musical trophies and Cobbler-shaped bean bags abound, child-sized Peach reclines, ready. Plunger Time #3: Go!

​

*         *         *

​

Heat. Humidity. Wild undergrowth. Massive trees. It's Chult! Well, sort of. The occasional Feywild twist hints that this may be more of a blend of Peach's home and adopted home, but it's a welcome change. Of immediate appreciation is that they have manifested as how Peach idealizes her friends: Nakam as immaculately handsome and ripped; Fish as an actual and elegant half-dragon, and Arnie as a consummate turtleneck and beret-wearing playwright. Better than babies or miners!

​

"YOU'LL FAIL, JUST LIKE ALWAYS." The voice of Arnie's dad is hot in his ear as he checks is theatrical notes for any mention of the once-again missing Eku and Nephetys. Gah! Scenic as Peach's mind is, they were clearly followed. Keep on guard.

​

'Keep on guard' leads to voices. Jogging ahead Nakam finds the source: A dragonborn, a halfling and their cat, and a particularly buff wizard, all hopelessly lost and frustratingly looking for their fourth adventuring companion, an elf named Peach. It's Magic Mike and the gang! It took a bit to click but Peach has many a time spoke of how she regretted being the only survivor of two previous adventuring parties. Perhaps long dead, but here their memories remain.

 

Peach's personified regrets wander off but soon other sounds are heard. Decidedly undead sounds. The shambling pack of zombies is instantly recognizable. A tropical-shirted tourist, a headless changeling, a moaning Fish, a lurching Bertram and even a lumbering Winchton haphazardly make their way forward. In their middle an undead Eku drags along- no. Wait. Catching eye contact with Arnie Eku diverts, dropping the zombie act. ​​​

​

"Arnie? You are alive!", she says, Nakam and Fish arriving. "This makes very little sense but I am happy to see you safe."

​

It's her! Kind, bright eyed, full of the spark of life. While painfully unaware that they are in a mind inside of a mind inside of a mind (and who could fault her), it's Eku as they knew her! Has Nephetys has been affected in such a way as well?

​

A whine. Not of the jungle, but above. The whine turns to a roar as a large flaming object enters the atmosphere and grows closer and closer. The jungle shakes and fey-birds scatter as the object slams into the forest floor, revealing its form.

​

A giant peach?

​​​​​​

Across the inhospitable crags and ice sheets a hot rod roars. Behind them: an unknown hundreds of devils alerted in Cania's capitol of Mephistar in pursuit. Destination: their ultimate goal. Arnie uses control weather to gain an advantage, but its hours to go. What to do once they find Eku? Spying on her with the crystal ball didn't show the most agreeable of creatures.

​

"We might need to subdue your friend Yek Yoo before she'll listen!", advises Fish. Good point. Wrong name.

​

Acting as a living compass pointing to Eku until now, Nephetys smiles when Arnie's hurricane slows and reveals a hulking figure at the edge of the storm's eye. Even in silhouette it is imposing. Easily over 12 feet tall not including it's full serpentine length, what remains of Eku is found. From the waist down it is pure fiendish snake, ending in a scorpion's barb. From the waist up the humanoid form resembles a horned and chitinous-plated Eku with a pair of bat-like wings.

​

"EKU!", Arnie calls. "It's us! The Handy Hands! We've been through Hell trying to save you!"

​

The huge creature turns. Not one hint of recognition - only burning rage. It roars, extending an arm as a long blade of pure ice manifests in its hand before hurling itself towards the infernal engine. Spinning out to keep the hot rod, herself, and Brandi safe Mad Maggie speeds away as the Handy Hands heroically jump to the snowfield. Fine, Eku. The hard way it is!

​​

The feral devil-monster charges in fury, most plant their feet to engage as Arnie steps away from the pending melee crush. Even heavily armored Nakam and agile Fish are taken aback by the sheer force of the former celestial. The monk uses her stolen prize from Handy Con to summon a mighty Bigby's Hand to lock the monster in place but it doesn't stop Eku from skewering her like a shish kebab on her ice sword.

​

"Hello!", she says, as Eku stabs Nakam, bringing Fish temporarily face to face with the changeling. "Goodbye!"

​

Between the sword and tail barb huge chunks are taken out of the paladin's hit point pool. Wisely Peach and Bertram put some distance between themselves and the melee chaos. They need to stop this quick, but how to do it? Split strategy on the fly: Wear her down while trying to get inside her head!

​

"Eku! Don't you remember?", Peach yells. "You trekked across Chult with us! You helped us save everyone!"

​

The devil-monster's eye twitches. Some hint of recognition? Keep it up! Arnie switches to full defense to keep up Nakam and Fish as they are repeatedly pummeled. Another twinge of recognition. Every call to memory seems to wear her down (DM: Every successful skill check removes Legendary Action charges and lowers her saves.). After a mighty smite from Nakam Peach grabs Eku's staff from Arnie and tries a third time, just as the monstrosity teleports out of Bigby's Hand and next to the handyman.​​

​

"Eku! The orphanage! You never asked for payment. You were the kindest. The children all miss you!", Peach yells.

​

Devil-Eku freezes. Her eyes roll back into her head. She freezes, fully catatonic. Feeling bad about it but needing to subdue this threat, Fish, Nakam, and Bertram go all in to knock her unconscious. One final blow from the side of the historian's axe and it's done. Okay. Great. Nephetys AND Eku acquired. Now what? They ponder their options for a while before Arnie squints into the distance behind them, his storm long faded.

​

"Uh. Guys?", he says. "We gotta go!"

​

The others soon see it. A seething swarm of Cania devils headed their way, noticeably larger than before. No time to plan further! Using Nephetys' magic whip to tie Devil-Eku to the roof, a fully at weight capacity hot rod creaks and grinds its way back up to full speed as Arnie boots his storm back up. Again... now what?

​

As the machine cruises various thoughts are tried. Yelling at an unconscious Eku does nothing. The staff doesn't seem to do anything. Nephetys keeps insisting that it's all for naught without a time machine. At Nakam's mention of past miseries, Mad Maggie perks up. Misery? Misery removal? Why, besides running a wastelander gang, that's her specialty! Whipping out her trusty plunger she suctions on to the huge devil's head and vanishes. Minutes later she returns.

​​

"Hoo boy, what a gobbledy gooky mess in there!", Maggie exclaims. She reports on her inability to do much in there, then lets out a quick laugh. The laugh builds into a mad cackle. "ONE old hag can't extract that misery, but what if a BUNCH OF MANIACS all go inside her head to dig out that kernel of a celestial friend that must be somewhere in there?"

​

Wait. Is Maggie proposing what they think she is? After a casino heist doing a... mind heist? THEY'RE IN!

​

Staying to pilot away from the pursuing horde with Brandi riding shotgun, Maggie preps the crew. Peach can command Nephetys to join. Unconscious Devil-Eku has no choice. If Maggie attunes the Handy Hands to her plunger but not the two devils, the devils' psyches will get more and more fragile as they descend mental layers. Time to take the plunge! A rushing feeling not unlike teleporting, and the five Handy Hands and Nephetys find themselves quite tiny in a very large room.

​

"Hrm. Something is not quite right here...", mutters Bertram. Baby legs and a diaper from the waist down.

​

Everyone looks at themselves. Baby legs for all! Toys and soft colors abound. Cherubic devil children babble to each other on the other side of the massive room. Familiarity sets in. This is the orphanage that Eku used to volunteer at! With a deep clinking chunk the latch on a 50-foot tall door opens and an equally 50-foot tall version of Devil-Eku emerges... smiling and making soothing noises? She reaches down to coddle a devil child, grins wide, unhinges her jaw, and eats the child whole.

 

"I'm glad I can't remember MY childhood!", quips Fish. Testing 'reality' she and Arnie both imagine copies of Eku's staff into existence and work to corral some devil kids away from the towering caregiver. Devil-Eku eats another, visibly turning more fiendish as she goes. 

​

Nephetys groans. "Trapped in a baby farm with baby legs in your dumb celestial friend's head. She's already lost! This can't negate a soul contract! You can't even control me here! This is bullshit!"

​

Movement on the shelves above. Stitched yarn plushies of ice devils waddle to the edge and glare down with button eyes. Nephetys' agitation seems to be triggering a response. Moments later they begin jumping down with hostile intent.

​

Silly as it is to be half-baby and attacked by stuffed toys, the ice devil plushies' blows actually hurt. What happens if you die in someone else's dreamspace? Let's not find out! Blow after blow are traded between toys and baby legged Handy Hands. Arnie torches a contingent with an imagined fireball, which gets Fish thinking. Can she imagine being a spellcaster? Indeed she can! Thinking of the handyman's staple blade barrier she conjures a wall of slashing safety scissors. Yeah! Dream magic!

 

Oblivious to the toy warfare giant-sized Devil-Eku goes for another child snack. Seeing Fish shape 'reality' Peach acts quickly. What do babies hate? Choking hazards! A pile of small blocks appear and 7 out of 8 devil children toddle over to promptly shove them in their mouths. Devil-Eku panics, rushing to "save" orphans by eating them. A success? Who knows, but at least it bought them time to deal with the stuffed ice devils. (DM: Easily 'Top 3 weirdest things I've ever narrated'.)

​

The plushies dish it out but get shredded just as easily. The problem is they aren't stopping. More and more manifest and jump off the shelves, appearing faster than they can be dealt with. The ceiling shimmers as a huge hag's head superimposes over it, Maggie peeking into the mind space.

​

"The erinyes' subconscious! It's reacting violently!", she says. "You're going to have to take her deeper to mush up her squishy brain parts more. Imagine my plunger. One of you will have to host it!"

 

As Peach takes the advice to manifest a plunger, Bertram looks at his axe. He drops his shield and reaches over to it, ripping it into two axes. With a roar the historian bulks up in incredible fashion, his shirt shredding to reveal a 'roided out body builder's physique as he imagines himself as large and burly as possible. Growing in size yet still swaying over chubby baby legs he turns to face the stuffed toy legion.

​

"I'll host it! I will murder toys - and babies - if I have to. Go! Take the devils inside of me!", he shouts over his shoulder.

​

There's no debate. Hands grabbing the wooden handle together the plunger comes down on the back side of Bertram's head above his swollen neck muscles and: Darkness. Silence. The smell of molding hay?

​​

When Arnie wills light into existence its his hat's lantern that glows. A miner's hat. Inside in old dilapidated barn he KNOWS that it is his friends before him, even if they hardly resemble themselves. Nakam is an old timer smudged with soot. Peach is a child laborer. Fish strangely looks herself though out of place without her kobold outfit. The handyman himself is gaunt and mustachioed, but Nephetys is nowhere to be seen.

​

A crow calls. Cautiously cracking the barn door reveals small mining town on the edge of dusk. Fog creeps in under a haunted sky. Candle lights in windows. Hushed whispers drift to the ear. This is far from a whimsical orphanage.

​

To the left of the barn... there. A sign. 'Hilltop. Population: 136'. And there, standing next to the sign, is the human Eku.

​​​​​

This could have been an uneventful train ride. All they had to do was not meddle. Now, a train car of modrons have had their heads exploded, a passenger car is a haphazard murder scene, and 'bottomless cocktails' may have been shown to be a poor choice by modron hospitality 'bots. At this point, why not intrude on matters of interplanar law and order?

​

Fish takes a meditation break while the rest follow up on the rumor of someone on board who knows True Names. Exiting the cabins during travel through the chaotic plane of Pandemonium proves to be nearly insanity-inducing, but luckily Arnie is on the spot curing ailments. The next car up is labeled 'Jail Car'. Shouldn't stop a handy set of lockpick tools.

​

​A voice booms from above. "Speak your business, trespassers, and speak it truthfully."

​

The jail car is a series of demiplane cells off of a two-level series of iron walkways where a large stocky blue-skinned angel with flaming wings calls down from the second level. Crap! There's no desire to fight a servant of Helm. Perhaps they can bluff their way in? The celestial isn't buying Arnie's 'Nice Guy' routine. Surprisingly even Peach fails to deceive her way past his gaze. The bard reasons it out... this guy just seems really bored. What if they're just honest, and hang out a bit?

​

Fine, fine. Yes, there is a captive here who knows many True Names. The angel warden has no idea of the exact crimes, but for playing checkers with him he'll allow a five minute visitation. Deal! The angel easily thwarts Arnie but a deal is a deal. The warden unlocks the cell with his massive key-shaped mace. Five minutes!

​

"Howdy, partner.", the stranger says. The captive inside is... a cowboy? "Lemme guess. You want a name."

​

With a face that can't quite ever be made out and wearing Dimensional Shackles that keep him secure, the Handy Hands aren't quite sure who this might be. He does know the True Name of Nephetys, though. Knowing the True Name of the devil whom Eku signed a contract with would be wildly useful in saving Eku! All it'll cost is jailbreaking the cowboy. Nakam and Arnie aren't too keen on freeing a prisoner of the gods, but Peach and Bertram sway opinion.

​

Why plan big when simple will do? "Excuse us, Mr. Angel Warden?", Peach calls. "Could you join us for a moment?"

​

The angel is hardly in the cell before he's distracted just long enough for his giant key mace to to be smoothly grabbed and touched to the cowboy's shackles. Magical chains falling off the cowboy leaps to his feet and kisses both of Peach's heads. 

​

"Nephetys. Greater devil of Cania.", he says quickly into her ears. "True Name: (throat singing moan) (hand waves above the head) (5 thigh slaps)." And with that, in a puff of sparkling dust the cowboy teleports away.

​

The angel turns around just in time to see the captive vanish. His eyes go wide. "Oh. Oh NO! My creator will be so mad! SHIT! What am I going to do?!"

​

It's fine, your new friends the Handy Hands will help! It doesn't take long to convince the panicked warden of a purposefully stupid plan: Just say yes to Feeblemind! Become a drooling idiot for a month, Helm or whomever inquires will figure the angel was just taken advantage of in an impaired state, and by the time it wears off weeks later the heat will have passed! Surprisingly, the angel bites. It may cost Arnie a few more games of playing checkers with a dumb angel (but now winning!) and who knows what planar trouble they may caused, but hey, Nephetys' True Name. What a deal!

​

Thankfully the rest of the journey is uneventful. Fish attunes to and plays with the highly powerful Handy Con grand prize bracelet with hand-themed powers. Maggie day drinks her travels away. The mind flayer and cambion culprit depart in Elysium, Peach gifted the detective's magical spyglass. Hours later the final plane shift occurs and soon it's time to depart.

​

Cania, the 8th level of the Nine Hells. Winds whip under an angry sky over a hostile frozen wasteland. It would be death if not for coming to this utterly inhospitable land prepared for extreme exposure. The train folds back into travel form, the horn blasts, and the Concordant Express takes of for planes unknown.

 

Standing with their hot rod in the middle of desolate frozen nowhere, the Handy Hands ask themselves... "Now what?"​ With so much focus on getting out of Dis and into Cania they hadn't planned further! Suppose they better locate Eku? Unlike in Avernus where her scrying orb failed, this time Peach has no problem spying in on the target. There she is. Eku! It has to be, but what the crystal ball reveals is shocking. The huge humanoid-snake fiend barely resembling their friend roars into the frigid air, slamming ice walls and boulders in a feral rage. 

​​

That will have to be subdued somehow. Yet it's no good without the officiator of the soul contract. They'll need Nephetys as well. Luckily the scrying orb reveals that the erinyes returned here to her home plane after The Red Belvedere and Handy Con went tits up. The devil paces a swank condo, small city outside the window, a pair of jagged peaks... and is the city slowly moving? Fish triangulates best she can despite knowing little of Cania though spots the twin peaks on the horizon.

​

"So.", Maggie asks, confirming the plan. "Drive right in, kidnap a greater devil, throw her in the trunk, then speed away?"

​

"Yup.", most respond in unison. Casino heist planning was exhausting. 'Smash n' Grabs' are so much easier. Let's rock!

​

Close to an hour later Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper rolls around a mountain ravine and all see why the city appeared to be moving. It is! Mephistar, the capital of Cania, sits entirely on top of a glacier that crushes through the low mountains at a supernatural speed (well, speedy for a glacier). The infernal engine rumbles up the glacier's icy switchback road.

 

Perhaps going in incognito will help. Mad Maggie offers seeming once again. What's common for a frozen plane of the hells? Ice devils, right? Never mind that ice devils are 10-12 feet tall. 5-6 foot tall ice devil disguises for all! There are many curious looks from Mephistar's denizens as Maggie drives casual towards the loft, but none stop to question as to why a posse of half-sized bug-devils are riding in to town. The condo building isn't hard to find.

​

"Hello there.", the building's devil doorman welcomes. "Buncha cute fellas! Not often that you see BABY ice devils!"

​

Baby-ice-devil-Fish wastes no time. "Hey pal. You don't see us questioning YOUR height, do ya? Emergency maintenance on level three and we're the Handy Hands. Get outta our way! We're professionals damnit!"

​

Flustered by a pack of mini devils with aggressive repair man energy the doorman steps aside. Let's see here, building directory... there we go. 'Nephetys'. Sixth floor. The erinyes barely has the door cracked before the gang kicks it in.

​

"(Throat singing moan) (hand waves above the head) (5 thigh slaps)". Peach intones and pantomimes the True Name and, to add absolute insult to injury, uses wish to cast planar binding at 8th level to instantly cast it and bind Nephetys to her will for half a year. Brutal! "Release our friend Eku from her contract. I command you!"

​

Compelled by both True Name and spell Nephetys has to do nearly everything Peach asks, but at this, she sneers. "Soul contracts are bound by the fabric of the multiverse. You cannot simply just void one, no matter your control over me! Soul replacement, perhaps. Let's say... two of your 'Handy Hands' souls in exchange? Adequate for a celestial soul. Otherwise I'd rather die, and have fun redeeming your friend's soul if that is-"

​

"Shut up.", the bard says, the devil's voice halting in her throat. "No talking unless I say so first. Arnie, I'm going to make her work at Handy World for half a year for this. Dang it. She has a point though."

 

​There has to be a way to get the soul contract changed or voided. As the Handy Hands discuss possible options it doesn't go without notice that the erinyes is silently smirking. Hurried activity is heard next door, then downstairs, then radiating out into the city streets and neighboring buildings. 

​

Crap. Peach said she couldn't TALK. Many greater devils are telepathic. Nephetys has let Mephistar know that it has been infiltrated! The jig is up! The tiny ice devils hug around the erinyes and word of recall down six floors and outside into the hot rod, where angry devils of many sorts are furiously emerging. Maggie! Floor it! 

​

Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper tears to the edge of Mephistar, barely slowing to harrowingly drift down hairpin switchbacks at high speed and rocket back out of the mountain ravine. Behind them the telepathic chain of command echoes, and the icy fiends of Cania pour out by the hundreds to pursue.

​​​​​

Coming down off the high of a madcap casino heist and desperately needing to make themselves scarce, the hot rod and griffon cruise as casually as they can into the outer wards of the City of Iron. The blighted industrial ruins are ominous, but at least they are quiet. After a pit stop at a very crappy but affordable Nine Hells clothing outlet to outfit for frigid Cania, it's off to find this "little robot boy" that Mad Maggie had mentioned.

​

Dark corridors under collapsing brick walls, broken glass, and giant rusted machinery... the factory is right out of a horror movie. The strange bronze box draped with a flayed hellboar skin doesn't fit, though. Curiously approaching, Fish is unfazed when the box sprouts two eyes and a mouth, shrieking in Infernal. The rest step back. The monk, though, knows the words.

​

"Welcome Hell-Dis citizen!", hails the box-face. "Lovely weather tidings! How may I be of assistance to you?"

​​

Extending arms and legs and toggling a language dial on its chest to Common, the box starts to make a lot more sense. A modron! Glitch, as this one calls itself, seems dilapidated but still strives to fulfill its purpose: to facilitate hospitality aboard the interplanar train, The Concordant Express.

​

The what Express? And what's a train? Glitch is pleased to help! A giant modron construct, The Concordant Express is the multiverse's only interplanar passenger transit system. It'll safely get the Handy Hands to the 8th layer of Cania if they don't mind a day's trip through multiple other planes first. All it'll cost them for tickets is "something fascinating"!

​

Arnie tells of his mutant clone 'brother' Clarnie. Not the best telling, but with a drawn picture aid it'll do. Peach tells of her beloved son Cobbler, and Nakam gifts the long-unused Tooms' Ooze from storage. Both quite fascinating! Noticing slots on the backside of Glitch where two missing appendages used to be Fish thinks of her own costume design. This modron is missing its wings. She knows wings. Half an hour, numerous small metal scraps and bones, and one cut up hellboar skin later... wings! Joyous as any 'little robot boy' can be, Glitch prints tickets for the rest. Next stop: The Concordant Express!

​

Nakam confirming the distant casino chaos is still distant, it's off into the mountains near Dis' planar edge. Far from civilization Glitch points excitedly to a barren cliff edge. This is it? There's nothing here! An unexpected horn blast and trailing smoke signals the arrival of a shining bronze stretch of modron machinery, clockwork limbs working furiously on either end to lay down and pick up track sections that hover in mid-air. Ah. So this is a 'train'!

​

Slowing to a stop the Concordant Express unfolds a tiny boarding station. Tickets presented, Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper loaded into cargo, and Maggie asked to continue on as their driver, goodbyes are said to Fish's declared New Best Friend Glitch. Hell awaits... well, after a relaxing train ride through multiple elsewheres.

​

A private suite awaits but it takes walking past many an odd passenger to get there. Sentient ooze people. A hippo man. Telepathic bugs. Merfolk. Both rabbit people and turtle people. Everyone needs to get somewhere it seems. Just after the train warps reality from Dis to it's celestial counterpart of Mercuria, they find their rooms. Modron servants, pillows and luxuries galore... this is the life! Or at least it will be after a good night's sleep. It's been a long two days of casino robbing.
 

*         *         *

​

"So, ah, Peach? Arnie?", asks Bertram as the current plane of Ysgard whips by outside. "I know you wanted simulacrum snow, but I trapped Arnie's girlfriend in a demiplane to save her from the tsunami. I can only access these once a day..."

​

Fine, fine. N'creme's successor can wait. Brandi flops to the floor after half a day trapped in a maddeningly bland pocket reality. From Baldur's Gate investment banking, to a Nine Hells convention, to meeting the REAL Handy Hands, to riding interdimensional transit rail. It's been a wild last few days!

​

As Arnie and Brandi take off for food and endless mimosas, Peach mentions a rumor. Something about a captive on board with knowledge of True Names. Could be worth investigating? The gang wonders if it has something to do with the sea lion noises from her chambers last night but the bard blows it off. (DM: Bard only sleeps 4 hours. Bard turns into devil. Bard one-night stands with an incubus. Polymorph was involved. Incubus was into playing 'zookeeper'. It is best that no one knows more.) Sounds good! But first, breakfast. Plus Nakam needs to take Feygllyyb to stretch his wings, and Bertram and Fish are curious about a few carts back.

​

The self-declared 'Math Wizard' leads a traveling interplanar classroom, the modron professor and students eagerly asking travelers to challenge them with arithmetic. Most had no interest yesterday but Bertram couldn't wait to return. Plus Fish has always wondered if there was need for anything beyond the kobold numbering system of "one; two; many".

 

Distracted by an impossibly complex equation on a chalkboard the historian gets to work. Modron eyes grow large and jaws drop as he flies through the algebraic riddle. Fifth line, carry the six, a negative fraction to the eightieth power... The sentient constructs begin to moan loudly. The moans turn to existential wails. Fish stares in awe as the modrons' heads begin to explode like popcorn until, finally, the Math Wizard himself goes full Blue Screen of Death.

 

Huh! Math was more violent and entertaining than the monk thought! Grabbing the chalkboard for, well, reasons, the duo head back and rendezvous with Nakam, having hurriedly ushered his griffon back inside. Nope, certainly not a bunch of angry Ysgard spirits outside. Nothing to see here. Wonder what Peach is up to?

​

"Nobody move a thing! This entire cart has become a crime scene. There's been.... A MURDER!"

​

The eladrin bard freezes at the sight of the illithid. A mind flayer wearing a fedora and trench coat? An actual murder mystery? This train has everything! Peach can't resist herself. Plan to learn more of the supposed captive are forgotten entirely as she leans into every procedural cop and detective drama trope that she can think of. 'Beat cop' starts first. 'Gruff Detective' comes next, followed by some personality that says "elementary" a lot.

​

She's part way through 'Good Cop / Bad Cop' with her own two heads when the rest enter followed by a tipsy Arnie and Brandi. The mind flayer hands pipes to all. Gotta look official when doing these murder mysteries! Arnie should be able to solve this quick, though, right? Speak with dead and raise dead are prepared? No? Okay then. The hunt for clues is on.

​

So whodunit? The victim was a mapmaker. Was it the academic drow, jealously searching for a rare dragon? Was it the cambion, tinkerer and traveling salesman? Or the azer, grumpy and speaking little Common? The flaming dwarf is quickly ruled out. The other two seem to have motive, though. Yet the clues lead to an impasse.

​

Peach pauses when Fish mentions the pillow fort she built with a helpful servant. "Just one more thing...", she says gravelly.

 

These private cabins have mute modron servants, just like their own. Surely they know something? Indeed, when asked who the killer was, the cambion's modron points to himself! Only one person could have commanded this modron to kill someone. J'accuse, cambion! For reasons of seeing another grifter (the dead) pushing in on his mark (the drow).

​

The modron guards lead the guilty away, the mind flayer detective thanks the crew, and Nakam may or may not have stolen crime scene evidence and given it to a drunk investment banker from Baldur's Gate. Nice place, this Concordant Express.

​

Now what were they doing, again?

​​​​​

​Alarms. Casino-wide rolling brownouts. Total power failure on the vault level. Fighting is an option, but nah, let's beat feet! Nakam, Peach and Bertram make a mad sprint to escape the Infernal Generator Room as backroom security responds. Quick, take the back passageways towards the coliseum! Between Peach's eyebite, Mantle of Inspiration, a lucky evasion of an orthon's binding shot, and a pair of timely dimension doors they immediately gain a great lead as Nakam telepathically calls to his griffon. Feygllyyb! Grab N'creme and meet us at the hot rod!

​

​Meanwhile, the monk stands in utter blackness. No lasers, a ton of traps likely disarmed, but now what? Luckily Fish had prepped for this moment! (DM: Mechanic shenanigans! The players were given 3 'heist tokens' which could be used to trigger an Ocean's 11 style flashback to say how they prepped for a situation. Fish wisely uses one to say Bertram - the only PC with Sleight of Hand and lockpicks - gave her lockpicking lessons in their hotel room.) The main vault room is where the casino's profits are held. Eku's staff must be in one of the two side vaults. Picking one at random, she gets to work.

​

"Hey! Out of the way!", the horned devils in the Count Room say to Arnie and the janitor. "We need to secure the level."

​

"Now sir, clearly it's an engineering issue!", Arnie bluffs. "I'm sure there's not much we can do down here but wait."

​

The handyman sweats under his illusory skeleton disguise. The big devils sigh and shrug. They bought it! Less than fifty feet away Fish deftly and quietly opens the side vault door and slips inside. (DM: They both rolled the exact DCs needed. Close!)

​

Startled devils at a water cooler shout in confusion as a hunky Biff Longsteel rounds the corner. Nakam knows these walls from earlier scouting. He's just under the Scarlet Coliseum! The paladin dimension doors​ at an upward angle. Late night stage hands setting up the next day's first event (something to do with a giant atropal parade float?) kindly point the himbo in the exit's direction as Bertram and Peach sprint and teleport below, a bit turned around but trying to catch up.

 

Down below, Arnie bluffs again. "Tell you what, we janitors know piping and conduits pretty well. We'll go have a look!"

 

Surprisingly it works, and soon enough the handyman is there to aid Fish in the cracked vault. He brings his cleric light into the room and both gasp. There it is! Eku's staff! The monk deftly grabs it along with a very fancy bracelet labeled 'For: Handy Con Final Event' and turns with greedy eyes towards the rows of private customer safety boxes, then looks across the way towards the other side vault. Do they risk it? Damn. Too dangerous if they fail in any way. Extraction plan time. Hugging Arnie and all anti-magic wards still not yet rebooted, the pair vanish in a flash of holy light.

​

...And appear in madness! Piloted by Mad Maggie, Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper had plowed straight through the wall of the casino's parking garage just before Fish and Arnie word of recall teleport into passenger seats. The hag cackles, angling the tank-like speedster towards the casino's main walls.

​

She turns and grins like a madwoman. "YOU BOYS LIKE WAR?!"

​

Casually walking out of the coliseum Nakam strolls by a pit fiend squinting towards the Handy Con riot across the way. Does this Biff have any idea what's up?

​

"Beats me man.", Nakam quips, speed walking away.

​

*WHAM*! The Red Belvedere already in a few states of disparate chaos, it's utter shock when a souped-up infernal hot rod crushes right into the casino plaza like a devilish Batmobile. Peach and Bertram find their way out of the coliseum to see a handful of huge pit fiends turn to engage the vehicle and there, flying in from the far side, casino owner and dreaded champion of Tiamat herself, Windfall. The tiefling wheels in frustration at the scenes of mayhem all over her establishment.

​

"This is horrible business optics.", she yells, her voice rising. "GUARDS! STOP THAT INFERNAL MACHINE!"

​

Standing next to Brandi and waiting for the right moment the friendly Terry's Terror pit fiend pivots, slamming into two of his huge coworkers confused at the betrayal. More chaos. Excellent! Nakam-as-Biff sprints for the opulent fountain at the middle of the casino's plaza as Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper barrels towards him, Bertram and Peach not far behind after one final dimension door. 

​

The synonyms for 'chaos' are exhausted a moment later when everyone converges near the fountain. Arnie waves to Brandi and drops a blade barrier as Mad Maggie skids a circular donut stop, Fish leaping off to breathe electricity while Windfall locks down Bertram and Peach with hypnotic pattern before they can board the hot rod. Nakam slaps Peach awake and drags Bertram into a seat before the bard eye bite fears a pit fiend away, Feygllyyb soaring in to drop off N'creme as she polymorphs herself into a T-rex.

​

The melee gets even wilder. Pit fiends assault both their Terry's Terror ally along with the hot rod itself (DM: Just missing the Mishap threshold on all attacks. Amazing.), Windfall now dazing both Bertram and Nakam. It's getting very bad very quickly. Time for that heist classic: a high speed getaway!

​

Feygllyyb grabs Nakam to fly to safety as Arnie mass heals all. Fish takes a split second from pummeling a pit fiend to dodge to the side of the revving hot rod, the huge guard run right the heck over. Heroically (and hilariously) T-rex N'creme crunches down on Windfall and runs away. Between that and eye bite scaring off the last nearby pit fiend, the window for escape it found. Floor it, Mad Maggie!

​

As Fish sprints right up the walls of The Red Belvedere to board the griffon with Nakam and Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper burns rubber out the way that it arrived, behind them it's a sight to see. Through a newly created insect plague Arnie waves to Brandi, his first date miming "sending me" through cloud the bugs. Handy Con is an utter riotous mess, Mr. Withers #2 seen with both of his arms ripped off. And there just as our heroes round out of view, the loyal dinosaur N'creme being dogpiled by a pack of devils far stronger than any simulacrum.

​

Then there's the tsunami. 

​

From the hot rod's exit direction a 300-foot wall of water surges, slamming into The Red Belvedere! The water slams into the hotel and collapses part of it before terrifyingly looming over the casino's central plaza. One can only imagine the looks on the faces of Windfall and her security forces right before thousands of cubit feet of force crushed down upon them. (DM: It was the last heist token, Peach burning it to cast 'tsunami' through 'wish'! May as well make a stylish exit, yeah? Either that or use it for Fish to steal Windfall's holy symbol of Tiamat!) 

​

"Peeeaaachhh...", Arnie whines. 

​

"What?!", the bard responds. "Oh. Right. Your girlfriend. I, uh, THINK she's okay?"

​

Bertram raises a finger. "Yah. I was part of the plan. Though... I may have just trapped Brandi in a featureless demiplane that I may or may not be able to open again until tomorrow? No food or water, but she should be alive!"

​

With that, one souped-up tank of an infernal engine and an extremely fast griffon race down streets and sky of the Iron City of Dis, putting as much distance as they can between themselves and the incredible shitshow they left behind. With any luck it'll be hours before anyone at The Red Belvedere can piece together that they were robbed, let alone as to how all the many events of the last hour were connected. 

​

But where to? Out of Dis, that's for sure. Further down the River Styx is an option. Teleportation is a trick as only a devil could help there. Ears perk up when Mad Maggie mentions knowing of another option: something called a "train". An interdimensional train at that. Sounds like it'd beat a long and dangerous river ride to the 8th layer of Cania, at least. 

​

Everyone is in. An extraplanar locomotive? Let's go!

​​​​

​The plan was simple.​​​

​

Divert guards from multiple locations. Steal an elevator key crystal from a greater devil. Polymorph Fish into a bug or something while they may or may not be astral projecting, then stuff them in a safe. Get Fish delivered to the vault. Start a distracting riot at Handy Con. Fake it 'til you make it in the Employee's Only zone, disabling security and power. Break into Windfall's office simultaneously. Somehow bust the vault doors. Make an escape by any means possible.

​

See? Simple. Easy peasy.

​

Nakam has a point in that there's far less moving parts in a more brute force attempt, but with all the ally support options (now plus Brandi, for whatever that is worth) the others feel they can risk a more convoluted multi-stage plan. Besides, how else could you have cool split screen montages while the heist music plays? Tonight, it's Go Time.

​

Allies are informed of their roles. Last minute prep is done in the Chultan Experience suite. Lacking telepathy or sending at least there's a pair of Sending Stones for Peach and Nakam. With creative effort Arnie actually manages to sanctify Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper as a shrine to Lathander... a mobile godmobile a cleric could word of recall to! 

​

Everyone ready? Let's do this. Cue the music.

​

Step 1: Prime the Payload. Fish tasting the rainbow of reality from N'creme's 9th level spell slot foresight, it's nearly a fumble from the start when Peach botches a showy 'magic trick' in the Cerulean Hall as they attempt to get the monk into a vault-bound safe. Ta da! A lizard! Wait. No. Lizard... brained? Yes. That's it. With quick saves from their tiefling dealer ally and Fish herself, soon enough a polymorphed jesus lizard gifted with premonition is covertly among the gold and jewels without much concern from the security guards present. Check.

​​

Step 2: Office Break-In. It's a harrowing setup as Bertram solo sneaks to rob a pit boss who could likely kill him, but the crafty historian pulls it off. Elevator crystal key acquired. Hopefully it's a while until anyone notices it's missing. Smoothly passing it off to Arnie, the handyman and their barbed devil janitor ally casually walk right into Windfall's office like they have every business to be there, not a pit fiend guard in sight thanks to their final ally. Double check.

​

Step 3: Backroom Tour. Why, it's just a senior pit fiend guard taking a few high rollers on a little jaunt! Unfortunately it goes south quick for the pit fiend, Peach, Bertram, and Brandi, with the devil's coworkers not fully buying the deception. Okay then. Plan B. Scatter into the shadows and go about it covertly! With the seduction skills of a Level 0 Commoner Brandi fails out with a patrolling orthon and gets evicted back out to the casino plaza. Better luck for the bard and warlock, at least, who waste no time in Housekeeping dressing as maids. Sexy maids. Because why not! Triple check. Sort of. Now, how to get to and deal with the Surveillance Room security?

​​

Step 3.5: The Fixer. Wisely Nakam is on full flex duty, and when the Sending Stone call comes in the situation calls for maximum dumb. Biff Longsteel? Get to work! As his altar ego from long ago the changeling utterly smashes slot machine after slot machine in the Veridian Den, nearby Mad Maggie cackling wildly as techno-organic machine guts fly. Response guards rush out of the back rooms to deal with a hopelessly clueless Biff, leaving halls free for sexy maids. Perfect.

​

And how sexy they are. The "Feywild migrant exchange program workstudies", as Peach puts it, are fairly distracting to the dual horned devil security monitors within the Surveillance Room. Just in time, too! Over devilish shoulders the historian and bard watch the scrying orb displays. There's Biff and Maggie, playing dumb with a whole response team. There's Arnie and the janitor, waltzing right into Windfall's office. Hmm. A bigger distraction is needed. Next step... any time now... there!

 

Step 4: The Riot. On scrying displays of the main Handy Con floor the planned distraction starts. Valindra and Mr. Withers #2 bicker as to who was the better Tomb of Annihilation villain, leading to a "fight". All is on plan... until it's not. Things go from zero to Mass Chaos in a matter of moments as hundreds of cosplayers rally behind their favorites and things get real. Fists fly! A replica axe is used as a real axe into someone's head! Was that a severed limb that just whizzed by the scrying eye? It's a full on rampage over there! It's all devil hands on deck, and from their respective angles Peach, Bertram, Nakam, and Maggie watch all non-casino room security flood towards Handy Con. 

​

Well. That's a plus right? Maybe? Mass violence, sure, but it'll do. Time to heist this bad boy.

​

Step 5: Vault Infiltration. Taking the crystal-activated lift down from Windfall's office Arnie - disguised as a 'devil skeleton' - and the janitor arrive to the hidden vault level. *BLAM!* An explosion of steel shrapnel shocks the devils of the Count Room outside of the vault as Peach ends her concentration on polymorph, Fish painfully expanding from tiny lizard to full-sized kobold-wannabe monk and forcibly breaking the safe. In the few seconds of confusion in the room she quickly goes invisible and jumps to the ceiling. Please don't be devils with truesight, please don't be devils with truesight...

​

"Hey! Janitor!", one of the two horned devils in the Count Room calls out. "Get in here and clean up this mess!"

​​

Phew! No truesight! Thankfully much of the heavy surveillance is on the way into the vault level, not the vault level itself. As the janitors walk in, Fish sneaks out. Hopefully Arnie can keep the devils in there away from seeing what she gets up to.

​

Just as their Terry's Terror allies had relayed, the vault hub itself is terrifying. Dozens of disintegrating ray lasers rotating in overlapping patterns. A hefty anti-magic field. Who knows how many hidden alarms and traps. The monk times it just right and smoothly walks straight forward towards the hub center, but now-

​

*FOOOOOoooooooommmmmm...*

 

Unseen far above and not a second too late Nakam had sprinted towards Peach and Bertram's call for assistance. With casino security hands all on deck with the Handy Con riot, getting to the Infernal Generator Room was a snap. Let's see... controls were easy enough. More power? Less power? The bard looked towards the paladin hefting his greatsword.

 

Yeah. Fuck it. Smash this bitch. 

​

Lasers fade. The sound of unseen arcane traps powering down. All vault level lights die. Surprised shouts echoing in the pitch black halls. Mass power failure. Fish grins excitedly. Let's get to robbing!

​​

​The gang pulls aside in the public plaza. A handful of allies? Check. A good idea of security? Check. Hidden entry? Nakam and Bertram believe getting tiny within HVAC ducts (the 'H' stands for Hell) are an option. Planar shenanigans? Peach scrys to make sure the vault is on this plane, which it is, but also finds some serious anti-magic wards.​

​

Some more footwork is needed. To the Scarlet Coliseum! 

​

No cover story is needed if you're actually there for a pit fight you signed up for. Perfect excuse to scout, though! A bit of changeling trickery and Nakam is just another coworker. Endless backroom halls eventually connect to the underground Employee's Only area. Excellent. Close to the generator, security, and housekeeping chambers, too!

​

Meanwhile, Arnie peruses the crowd from the bleachers. Friends, enemies... there has to be more here. No luck with the general mass of cosplaying pseudo Handy Hands. That hulking pit fiend security officer, though. Is that a Terry's Terror tattoo? It is!  After initial doubt Arnie is in cahoots, and soon the big devil is offering all sorts of information on guard routes, schedules, and seniority to conveniently make gaps. 

​

"Alright, big guy.", says Arnie. "You'd do anything for Terry. You ready to do anything for the REAL Handy Hands?"

​

A big red thumbs up. "You son of a bitch, I'm in!"

​

To blasting horns the trio of Peach, Bertram, and Nakam emerge on the coliseum floor. The crowd roars as the hand-themed amnizu Master of Ceremonies introduces. The costume contest victors are back once again! Two more gates open and their rivals emerge: four centaur-like demonic abominations. Ready? FIGHT!

​

Two nasty blasts of lightning make it clear that these things need to be shut down fast. And shut down Peach does. Taking out half with hypnotic pattern signals the massacre. Bertram and Nakam pile on the blows until a nasty crit from the historian absolutely destroys one demon. Not to be outdone the changeling paladin murders another with his own massive Divine Strike crit, the poor damned demons never getting a chance as Peach refreshes her hypnotism. The crowd goes wild!

​

Meanwhile, Arnie's nowhere to be seen. After hearing that there was a third Terry's Terror at the Cerulean Hall casino, the handyman ghosted his friends to mingle with high society. Tuxedos, fancy dresses, fine cocktails that oddly moan. Nice.

​

"My friend recommended this place... you know... Terry? Quite a terror at blackjack.", Arnie says coyly. He wins a solid hand before realizing he has the wrong tiefling blackjack dealer. Crap! Relocating with his smoking and moaning drink he finds the next table over much more in cohort. "I'm putting together a crew. Need another inside expert. For Terry?"

​

She waits until the dwarf and ogre at the table walk away and flashes a conspiring grin. "You son of a bitch, I'm in!"

​

The coliseum's roar is deafening as Peach, Bertram, and Nakam hype the crowd (DM: Nine rounds of total crowd control put to use!). Another hexblade crit and a pummeling from the other two, and then the charmed demons were down to one.

​

The hand on Arnie's shoulder is uncomfortably both undead and familiar. Her corpse-like figure wearing an elegant cocktail dress, it's none other than Valindra Shadowmantle, the lich who was a 'frenemy' before the Tomb of of the Nine Gods! Recognized as the one true Arnie the handyman goes for a quick exit, but Valindra's words sway him. Despite being shot in the face by Kek, she's actually quite appreciative of the Handy Hands!

 

"Appreciative enough to get in on making devils look dumb?", Arnie asks.

​

"And miss an opportunity to cause some chaos if I don't?" She raises an eyebrow. "You son of a bitch, I'm in."  

​​

Back at the coliseum it's hardly fair. All it takes is one more pitiful round as the last demon is summarily executed. The crowd loses it. Winners of contests of both costumes and brawn! Thoroughly impressed by the display and crowd hyping the Master of Ceremonies awards a huge 150 soul coins to the trio before the festivities begin to wind down for the day.

​

Reconnecting, info is shared. More backroom recon and opportunities. Arnie's three new allies. Interesting info on vault deliveries and Windfall's personal office and elevator. Though either great victories or gambling successes, everyone also earned a special runic symbol that will get them into a semi-secret High Roller's Club. Excellent! It's been a heck of a day, though. Time to find some privacy and rest in the hotel suite they paid good money for.

​

Potted plants. Fake tree trunks. Illusory bird and monkey calls. Magical fog machine. Very real heat and humidity. The multi-room suite is a wild thematic playground of everything Chult. 

​

"It's just like home!", Arnie shouts in glee. 

​

"It's just like home...", intones everyone else, heading for the private bar to mix something strong.

​

Feygllyyb the griffon lounges on the couch as the gang gets down into it. No scrying eyes here, Peach confirms. They're hardly into planning a multi-front heist strategy involving infiltration, distraction, and security shutdown when there's a knock at the door. Who's there? DINOSAUR! A devil in an inflated sack of dinosaur skin marauds and promptly faceplants, happily agreeing to get incinerated by Arnie in the name of customer service. It inspires the handyman to go on a cannibal dwarf Hide n' Seek hunt... and of course some are hiding in the rooms.  Evicted and not even tipped by Bertram (Nakam: "Dang Europeans..."), it's finally time to relax.

​

The High Roller's Club. That's the last unknown. Perhaps Arnie's committal to a date is excellent cover for casing it up?

​

All except for Arnie head to the large dragon statue in the center of the hotel's lobby, which now appears to have five heads due to their temporary runes. Gilded elevator door on the statue's backside they head down to the exclusive floor. It's quite the display of super-rich multi-planar socialites! Bertram has the best cocktail of his life as the others scout around. Private shops. A few beefy guards. Is that Windfall's private office's entrance? Good to know.

​

Up in the hotel bar Arnie picks up his date. Out of the Actual Real Cannibal Female Arnie costume she's... actually fairly normal looking? The two mingle. She's Brandi Irlentree, Baldur's Gate native, insurance consultant at J.D. Lambert Financial. It pays very well but it's a drag, especially her boss Mr. Lambert. Into cosplay and edgelords she hard bounces off Arnie's affirmations that he's the real Arnie Lambert, but she's totally into a date at the High Roller's Club. How fancy!

​

Once down below it doesn't quite click to Brandi that this is the actual Arnie Lambert. But who's to fault her? Arnie tries again. Bertram removes his obscuring mask. Nakam does a quick shift. Peach ​​greets in Elvish. Fish waves enthusiastically. Good gods. IT'S REALLY THEM!​

​

"Brandi.", Arnie starts. "The Handy Hands are here, and, well, we're robbing Hell. We could always use another."

​

The Baldur's Gate banker flushes, then takes a big sip of her magical cocktail and floats sideways holding hands with Arnie.

​

"You son of a bitch. I'm in."

​​​​

​A casino and an entire convention in their honor? There's so much to do! As Arnie continues to hunt for sweet merch, the others sit in on a seminar on tomb building until Bertram spies an erinyes swarmed by fans walk by. Isn't that the devil that Eku sold herself to to prevent the Handy Hands' deaths? Signaling to Nakam and Peach, the trio trail at a distance. Indeed it is! Not only that, it sounds like the erinyes, Nephetys, is a founder of Handy Con. She must know more!

​

Distracted by but thankfully not fully seeing through Nakam's 'Bertram' disguise, Peach absconds to the nearest bathroom and breaks out her trusty Crystal Ball of Mind Reading. The erinyes' mind is an easy break-in, and the bard risks probing deeper. There it is: Memories and anticipation of an end-of-Con celebration. Eku's staff in hand. Images of Eku's staff being brought out of a vault by a fancy looking lavender tiefling. Good. Breaking off mental invasion before she can be detected any further than she already was Peach and the others break off contact and share notes.

 

Excellent. It's confirmed that the staff is in The Red Belvedere's vaults, and that they'll have to somehow get to it before the end of Handy Con. The casino heist is on! But first there's a costume contest obligation. Extricating Arnie from a pack of other cosplay Arnies, it's back to the Scarlet Coliseum. 

​

Nakam bails, Peach takes his place, and it's on! The 2nd Annual Handy Con costume contest! The amnizu master of ceremonies officiates, fully decked out in gruesome ornaments of real severed hands. Judges critique, and of the thirty or so contestants nearly half are out in the first round... including Arnie. The original handyman, failed out of being himself! And the 'For Real Actual Cannibal Lady Arnie' gets to stay in? This is bullshit!

​​

Second round. 'Ettin Peach' is out. So are 'Ogre Arnie' and 'Action Eldritch Blast Bertram'. Only four are left in the finals, including the real Peach and Bertram as Mr. Withers. Performance time! The bard grins. It's a rock solo and light show for the ages! 'Inflatable Snake Col' and 'For Real Actual Cannibal Lady Arnie' stood no chance. Surprisingly impressive is Bertram's act. What starts as a cheesy magic show as Mr. Withers erupts into aasimar flame as he reveals his true self with shock and awe, Peach aiding with background lights. Amazing! It's hard to upstage a College of Glamour bard, but the warlock came close. 100 soul coins to the victor!

​​

"HEY! YOU!", Arnie shouts at 'For Real Actual Cannibal Lady Arnie'. The judges didn't buy his impudent display at losing minutes before, even if he did do drugs to cry actual blood while he shot out flames. And now this living insult is just walking away? "Just who do you think you are?! You disgust me!"

​

It's an instant Mean Girl situation. Fish, Bertram, Nakam, and Peach are immediately at his back negging and insulting the woman. The cannibal caves. Fake filed teeth dentures are removed. Makeup is smeared. Hat and tropical shirt removed. She's actually... kind of normal under the costume? The "Baldur's Gate Pride" shirt underneath is curious. Defeated and starting to walk away and mumbling about her old Lambert boss Arnie quickly reengages. She worked for his dad?

​​

Minutes later it's an entirely different scene. Sure, she's a Baldur's Gate banker and may not be against cannibalism, but she also hates his dad, just like him! There may be a casino to heist, but Arnie may have scheduled his first date this evening. Dating advice follows (Peach has decades of experience, Nakam has the insight of every angle of gender), and the handyman wanders off for some pre-date shopping prep.

​

Time for some mixed rec and recon. Nakam strikes it big at cards - of course a changeling has a perfect poker face - while scouting the Veridian Den's casino floor. Wards against Divination, Enchantment, and Illusion magics. Luckily his own innate shifting ability isn't considered arcane. Suspicious of 'cameras' are confirmed both inside and out by Peach and Bertram: arcane eyes and scrying orbs are abound.

 

After a quick stop to buy out a snowman's worth of "Athkatlan Ice" for future shenanigans which Bertram stores in a chilly pocket demiplane, Fish joins the bard and historian to scout a way to the vault. 'Employees Only' entrances don't seem to have anti-magic wards. Scrying eyes, but less than in the gambling halls. Somebody big and invisible walks by, though. Backroom security? They sure could use some inside intel- hey. Wait. It's that janitor seen earlier in the lobby. His forearm - it has a tattoo of the ancient symbol Terry mentioned!

​

Indeed, he's a Terry's Terror, sworn to help the Handy Hands! The lanky spiky devil in a coverall confirms scouted details. Orthons do patrol Employees Only zones, but otherwise they're comparatively lax in security. A quick map drawing helps. The lavender tiefling is Windfall, proprietor of The Red Belvedere, and a champion of Tiamat. Fish's eyes go wide. Of course! The casino's five buildings are each a chromatic color. No wonder she liked the vibe here despite the convention. 

​

Back from his own adventure finding a carnivorous flower and a bow tie for his date, Arnie (still crying blood) joins Nakam and the others shortly after Windfall is spotted on the far side of the casino's central plaza. Do they attack? Get sneaky? Play it cool? They settle for the latter.

​

Turning from her chatting companions (DM: Devil attorneys from way back in Session 114!) Windfall greets new faces. Ostentatious but professional, the winged tiefling is a gracious host. Yes, she'll be at the closing ceremonies tomorrow. Yes, clients do store items of note in her vault. No, they don't have a long-term Lost & Found. 

​

Enamored by a champion of dragons, Fish seizes the conversation. Tiamat is great! Praise Tiamat! They're looking for a staff - does Windfall know of a feathery one? Bertram quickly interrupts and apologizes for his friend's eccentricities. Crap! Did they blow it? Is she on to them? The lavender tiefling raises an eyebrow, but she's hard to read otherwise.

 

Awkwardly disengaging as Windfall greets a passersby, the Handy Hands ponder how exactly they intended that chat to actually go. As next steps are discussed away from the crowds a lone spiky janitor sweeps by... dropping a crumpled note.​

​​​

​Damaged infernal machines clunking up the blistered mound to the palatial Bleeding Citadel, it's small talk as adrenaline comes down. Fish and Arnie are feeling great about this 'wanton destruction' thing! Nakam and Bertram find it more a reminder of mortality. Peach's musings on letting go and trying new things rambles into talking of an ex-husband named Kleeto, which is a wild thing to drop on friends after knowing them for years. Anyway! Back to business! 

 

Escorted past massive forges worked by enslaved giants, the Handy Hands and Maggie's remaining posse are brought before a throne of bones. The archdevil Bel is surprisingly pleasant! Never mind his terrifying size and disconcerting belt of humanoid heads that still move and moan. Avernus' second-in-command is a cordial sort. There's even free drinks! Celestial relics inspected (and feral elf kid found), Bel acknowledges Maggie's request to aid her newfound allies. A favor for a favor.

​

"We seek the location of the soul of Eku. A couatl. Died in Chult around a year and a half ago.", says Peach.

​

"Indeed?" Bel motions, and impossibly long list is summoned in a burst of flame. He scrolls for a minute. "Ah. Yes. Her soul is in Cania... mostly. Her staff is in the vaults of Dis, currently located in The Red Belvedere. You will want that."

​

Q&A time commences. Cania is the 8th of 9 layers and a frozen wasteland. Eku is there and likely transformed into a devil. Hope lies in the staff. Celestial relics contain celestial essences - in a sense a part of their soul. If they can retrieve Eku's staff, they stand a chance to restore her once they find her. Dis is just below Avernus, and The Red Belvedere shouldn't be hard to find. There's also the matter that she willingly contracted herself to a devil, but one issue at a time.

​

The talk gets the gang suspicious. Why is Bel, general supreme of the Blood War, so welcoming and forthright? Peach and Bertram reason it out: It isn't about them. Abetting a hellish jailbreak doesn't make Bel look bad. It makes his superior the Archduke Zariel look bad. Devils and their games... Well. If the Handy Hands benefit as a side effect, why not?

​​

A feather of Eku given to Nakam along with an offer of a river barge with infernal engine hookups, the gang opts out of an alternate route to Dis called the Pillar of Skulls and readies to depart down the River Styx. Mad Maggie is invited to come along and assist, and best of all Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper is theirs to keep! Mickey, the feral kid, and the lone surviving redcap say their goodbyes as the hot rod's engine is rigged to the barge. Never mind the weirdo merrenoloth captain. 

​

Soon to leaving a... thing... appears in the River Styx. A massive whale-dog abomination of a demon is coming toward towards the Bleeding Citadel, and fast. Demonic invasion! Gun it out of here! The barge blasts forward out into the river as the creature beaches itself, vomiting a huge amount of gnolls into the citadel's lowest level. All hang on for dear life as they ramp water wakes at high speeds. Gnoll forces seen up on high and Bertram spotting what can only be the demon lord Yeenoghu behind them, there's no desire to help fight. Leave the Blood War to the fiends. They have a friend to save.

​

(DM: Avernus complete. Level 18 achieved!)

​

Despite literally being full of shrieking eels the creepy mute captain competently navigates, and for nearly half a day all threats are avoided as they traverse the River Styx. Then, for the first time since arriving in Ribcage, the sky shifts. Burning red storm clouds turn to ashen grey, choked with coal smoke. Avernus is left behind as the land rapidly transitions from blasted wastelands to craggy dead mountains backlit by an urban glow. Minutes later it comes into view.

​

Dis, the City of Iron. A plane-spanning megacity so large that its name and that of its plane are one and the same.

​

Iron spires, smoke-belching factories, and other hostile architecture sprawl in every direction away from the River Styx. Even the nicer streets look like shady alleys one could get murdered in. Their yugoloth captain pilots to The Red Belvedere and, like a worst industrial dystopian version of Venice, they follow blood red canals through the city. Debarking at a dock to take streets from there, Peach spies... herself? A human with fake elf ears dressed like her waves.

​

"Hi Peach! I'm also Peach! Cool costume!", fake Peach calls. "Are you going to The Red Belvedere Casino too?"

​

Wait, what? It's a casino? And why is this woman dressed as Peach? A version of Bertram walks by. There's a buff guy painted blue looking somewhat like Nakam. What's going on?! Rushing the last few dismal city blocks an extravagant sight comes into view. Wondrous fountains. Flashing light shows. A grand complex of ornate buildings, and a giant marquis:

​

The Red Belvedere Casino
welcomes...

The 2nd Annual HANDY CON!

​

More Peaches. A few Arnies. Bertrams of all sizes and species. Keks, Cols, and even a few Biff Longsteels. Humanoids, devils, and those of even odder origins fill the plaza, many of them cosplaying as the Handy Hands. What is going on?!

​

Arnie waves down a bearded devil dressed as himself. "Hi Arnie! I came dressed as Arnie too! Remind me of how Handy Con started? I love to hear that story!"

​

"Oh man, it was the best!", starts the devil, actual dead animal on his head like a hat. "Some lich ruined the flow of souls out of the Material Plane, and five absolutely vicious mortals called the Handy Hands punked him and his plan. If not for them, souls would have stopped flowing into the Nine Hells, we would have lost the Blood War, and demons would overrun all of creation. So yeah. They're stars, man! Absolute ROCK STARS!" 

​

A year and a half ago they saved the world, the world hardly knew, and they've lived comfortable non-celebrity lives since. But what this devil says checks out. They didn't save the world. They saved the multiverse. And while their home plane may not know, the Nine Hells absolutely does. They're famous here! Wildly famous! With a convention in their honor!

​

If Eku's staff is here, that means one thing: Casino Heist! Handy Con has some wild potential if they reveal themselves, but ironically being Handy Hands in a sea of Handy Hands is excellent cover. Time for some recon. With Maggie disguised as Kek, Bertram as Mr. Withers, Nakam shifted to be devil-like, and Fish perceived as an "O.C.", it's up to the lobby.​ 'The Chultan Experience' suite is purchased from the disturbing bugs-in-a-human-skin receptionist devil, along with a few con passes. Last two acquired from a savage murder of a cosplayer by Fish and bit of petty theft by Bertram, they're in, and a giant illusion of Archduke Dispater greets them. Handy Con!

​

With five main structures The Red Belvedere is a lot to take in. Let alone the special events, speakers, panels, and sea of cosplaying superfans that have no idea the actual Handy Hands are among them! Interest pulls towards the Scarlet Coliseum where combat and special Con events happen on the hour. A few sign up for an upcoming costume contest, and a few for a melee battle later today. Gambling floors await, but perhaps the convention center next?

​

Nakam nearly has a panic attack after running the real ghost of Biff Longsteel - the identity that brought him to Chult to begin with - before he hurries to catch up with the others. The casino's Alabaster Racetrack has been repurposed as the central Handy Con location, coated from end to end with vendors, meet and greets, and assorted booths. What great upcoming speaker panels, too! (DM: Cosplay tips. Contract entrapment. Even Michael Bay and Mike Mignola!)

​

May as well enjoy their fame as incognito outsiders! Arnie goes shopping while the others spy familiar faces. The frizzy purple-haired hag Granny Gristlegums signs an autograph while relating the story of when she mind controlled Kek to shoot a lich in the face with a gun. The Merchant Prince Kwayothé walks by, thankfully not taking notice. At a booth bragging about living with the Handy Hands... is that their house simulacrum, Mr. Withers #2?

​

"-the most devious thing an evil person can do is, uh... be... good!", he falters, finishing a story as Arnie and Bertram approach and reveal themselves. Panic. "I CAN EXPLAIN! The house is fine! There's still a babysitter!"

​

They quickly hush their house tender. Shh! It's all good. If he can counted on, that is. The actual Handy Hands have a casino to infiltrate. If needed, Mr. Withers #2, will he act if called upon? The simulacrum emphatically agrees.

​

A familiar ally is gained, but what's the plan? Somewhere in this casino is Eku's staff for the heisting. Yet there's a whole Handy Con to experience. Perhaps the plan is both business and pleasure?

​​​

DM: Once again it was a very short session leading into a longer one, and once again it made more sense to post them together as one full series of scenes. Weeks delayed, but we got there. Enjoy!

​​

Engines rev and dust flies outside the compound built around the hand-shaped rock formation. From the rock's caves a tall woman wearing tattered robes covered in mud, blood, mold, and worse emerges, followed by a hulking creature built of fiendish parts trudging with a limp. After taking in the scene outside the walls she notices the group, eyes moving independently of each other as she approaches.

"My goodness!" she croaks, grinning far too widely for a human-like face. "Where did you lovelies come from?"

 

This is Fort Knucklebone, she explains, and she is Mad Maggie! The big fellow is Mickey, her golem. Ignoring the chaos outside she greets the Handy Hands warmly as welcome guests. It's uncomfortably suspicious. Maggie is clearly a hag, and the last time they ran into hags it was a definitively evil trio called the Sewn Sisters. Maggie seems unhinged but is quite the friendly optimist. What's her deal? Turns out its misery! Normally hags have to work for it. Here in Avernus it's just laying around. Literally! In addition to plumbing misery out of memories (again literally, with a plunger, an offer both Arnie and Peach consider), Maggie's gang scavenges the wastelands for celestial relics to sell to the archdevil Bel for favor.

 

The problem is the goons outside. The Ninth Remnant and their leader Praetor Kovik - an entire defected remnant of Hell Army devils - finally figured out the value of the "scrap" they've been digging up. It's why they pursued the Handy Hands, and why the hag isn't too surprised at current events.

 

"Fey witch!", a call comes from outside the walls. It's Kovik! The large chain devil addresses from his big infernal engine strapped with redcap corpses. "You are clever, but the Remnant now knows your schemes. Your relics will be ours, along with your engines. You could be crushed… but there has been too much violence. Too much pain. I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your relics, your vehicles, the whole compound, and I'll spare your lives. Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the wasteland. I await your answer. You have a day to decide.”

 

Maggie proposes the opposite: How do the Handy Hands feel about high-speed violence? If they help her get her newest shipment of relics to Bel, it all but guarantees that the archdevil will be willing to help reveal Eku's location. It's an easy sell. To heck with these hell raiders. It's time for some road warrioring!

A couple hours later they're ready to go. Peach made friends with a weird feral elf kid. Nakam taught his griffon how to ride in a car. Arnie did what he does best, repairing a speedy machine he dubs 'Arnie's Big Hot Rod Helper'. A literal firestorm approaches, and its just the disruption needed to bust through the siege and race towards Bel's Bleeding Citadel.

 

All vehicles are prepped. A seeming spell cast by Maggie gives all fearsome wastelander visages (DM: Peach and her second head go both Tina Turner and Humungus. Arnie goes hand-themed War Boy. Bertram goes leather bear daddy. Fish turns into an actual kobold. Nakam... is kinda old hat to this changing thing.) The storm is near. Time to blast out of here!

 

Dust flies as the firestorm hits and nine vehicles waste no time in roaring out of Fort Knucklebone. Maggie's armored junker pulling the trailer of celestial relics is guarded in center formation with Peach, N'creme, and Mickey on board as muscle. Two spiked dune buggies and three cycles loaded with redcaps whirl and flank. Nakam and Feygllyyb cling to the back of the kenku brothers' big monster truck as Arnie leads the way in his souped-up Hot Rod Helper. Last but not least Bertram speeds through on his stolen bike, his flying broom 'Russell Scarecrow' pulled on a rope tow with Fish riding high.

 

Even with the storm it isn't long before they are noticed by the Ninth Remnant. Horns blare. Evasive maneuvers! 
 

Playing the hits Arnie fires off another blade barrier to delay the pursuers but soon enemy bikes and dune buggies are upon them, ramming the trailer. They're after the payload! Between the twin Peach's spells and Nakam flying over to assist they are fine for now, though Arnie is having issues with bikers harassing him. Bertram and Fish are on it! The flurry ends with one biker dead and the other laying across the hot rod's hood.

 

Larger Ninth Remnant vehicles are catching up, but so far so good... until the storm flares. Fire tornadoes! A series of flaming twisters touch down and sew scorching chaos. Much of Maggie's redcaps are burned alive along with the kenku brothers, wrecking three vehicles and drastically cutting the number of friendlies (DM: So few DC saves. So high a damage roll. Dice are gonna dice!). Burned themselves the Handy Hands quickly recoup, Arnie now alone in his hot rod and Nakam taking over the driver's seat of the monster truck. Fire immune devils push in on all sides. Look out!

​

The handyman, historian, and dragon monk furiously work to dislodge boarders in the front of the pack as Nakam swerves to crush buggies under his giant wheels, but the rear is getting messy. Junkers loaded full of devils board and swarm Peach and N'creme, but not before the simulacrum pulls off a wild maneuver. Animate objects on enemy infernal machines! To the shock of their eight passengers the two remaining Ninth Remnant buggies swerve and slam into a big armored truck, shredding into scrap in the storm's winds. A wild success, despite their current melee beatdown predicament!

 

Arnie motions to the right. A break in the storm! But what's moving on the other side of the dust?

​

Devils and demons! Thousands of them! Rocketing out of the storm the two rival groups of chasing vehicles blast right into the middle of a huge Blood War battle scene. Guts and limbs fly by the riders as the infernal machines plow through foot soldiers and lurching seas of half-formed manes and lemures, avoiding the larger fiends that dot the battlefield. Cycles wipe out in the hot mess, Bertram abandoning his own to jump in Nakam's ride as Fish leaps for the enemy armored truck.

​

Double destructive waves clear out much of the devils assaulting Peach and N'creme, but a solid hit from a junker's claw break the celestial relic trailer's hitch. Mickey's on it! The golem bridges the gap between Maggie's ride and the trailer and holds on to both, but it's clear his stitched body wasn't made for this as it starts to pull apart at the seams. Finding a bottle of "nitro" demon ichor Arnie screams ahead, Blood War battlers parting in waves of gore to the left and right. 

​

Bertram taking the wheel, Nakam mounts up to destroy the remaining devils harassing the payload. Safe in the middle and front for now! Not far behind the armored truck and its stronger devil crew has caught up, but it's a trivial matter for Fish. Already half cleared of passengers by N'creme's rogue buggies, the monk wastes no time shoving the driver right out of the vehicle and commandeering the wheel. With a giant chipper-shredder mounted on the front, this should be fun! Fish floors it, obliterating the remaining Ninth Remnant buggy and plowing into the last enemy junker. Feeling the steering wheel lock up, it's time to abandon ship.

​

Up ahead the wide expanse of the River Styx looms. Arnie's path of destruction leads to an ancient bridge span, but will they make it? They're down to just four vehicles and a single redcap. Mickey is ripping apart. A roar from behind signals the arrival of Kovik himself, animated chains lashing off his huge vehicle as demons crush under wheel. It's time for an action-packed deadly hot climax!

​

Or is it?

​

As Nakam and Fish finish off the last of the boarders and Bertram and Maggie snipe stragglers, Peach points at Kovik and uses her last spell slot. Feeble mind! Arnie stops to watch, casually dropping one last blade barrier to ruin the huge monster truck's steering. Reduced to a drooling idiot, Praetor Kovik - fierce leader of the Ninth Remnant - anticlimactically drifts off the side of the bridge to sink into the red waters below.

 

With their leader dead and the rest of the Remnant horde still mired in the Blood War battle behind them, the Handy Hands and what remains of Maggie's crew rumble off down the cracked road.

​

Within a half hour distant sprawling encampments are seen. An entire fresh army of devil's finest soldiers wave by the familiar hag, and soon their few ragged infernal machines are limping through a stinking blood swamp up to a disgusting scab the size of a large hill. On its top sits The Bleeding Citadel - a domed alabaster structure affixed by iron chains to the grotesque mound. Somewhere within, the archdevil Bel awaits a delivery.

​

A need to find allies and connections. A sanctuary in the Nine Hells containing all sorts of oddball planar individuals and shops to appease all. Safety is likely an illusion. You know what means? Time to split up!​

​

For Peach and Nakam it's just a string of badly inflated merchant experiences. Fish's 'woman on the street' interviews with fellow passing travelers - a nasty little guy, a clueless bug-man, and a pair of disinterested travelers - don't get her far. Bertram and Arnie reason a barber would overhear much, and to the barber they go.

​

Entering an empty tent they're soon followed in by a little round dragonborn lady, copper scales tarnished with age. Burnie the Barber is a curious one. Grandmotherly and perhaps too much of a talker, the historian and handyman relax and let down their guards. They don't mind as she reads thoughts, seemingly uses divine magic despite Mahadi's 'no spell casting' rule, and asks a few intrusive things. She even fixes Bertram's long-swollen forehead and gives Arnie a (not so) stylish haircut for the low cost of 1 gold piece each! What does she know about tracking a soul through the Hells?

​

Her answer is largely expected. Mahadi. A person with the connections to allow The Wandering Emporium to exist in a devilish police state clearly knows people. But, Burnie cautions, allow that thought to cause caution as well.

​

Reuniting in the dusty streets, the crew approaches Mahadi once again. Help the Handy Hands formally meet the archdevil Bel? Of course he'd be willing to help! That is... if they're willing to jailbreak/kidnap a person of interest out of a docked flying fortress to help earn Bel's goodwill. The gang ponders. Something's up. Perhaps the strange barber knows more?

​

They make sense of it as the others get to know Burnie as well. Muscle. That's what Mahadi wants. And plausible deniability, especially when it becomes known that the docked fortress is none other than Archduke Zariel's flagship. The merchant lord is trying to involve them in some serious Nine Hells treason! Arnie grows despondent. Everyone here in the Hells is out for personal gain! Surely there's a way to find Eku's soul without evil plots and war crimes?

​

Burnie smiles. "Look at me. Good can exist here.", she says. Who is this lady? Mahadi may not even know her true nature. "Not all here seek harm, just perhaps personal goals. Seek the small man with the red hat. Another path may be an option."

 

Exchanging farewells with the suspected celestial, they leave. Wait. Did they even enter? Fish can't recall! (DM: Something about Fish preaching Tiamat? We may never know!)  What she does remember though is the nasty little guy she met earlier. He wore a big red hat! Spotting him chewing on a massive grub, Peach immediately knows what they're looking at. A redcap! If this redcap is a wastelander, she has a good idea what sort of leader a murderous Feywild creature would follow.

​

"Redcap! Take us to your witch master!", Peach calls out. She says it again. Upon the third repeat the vile small man hisses. The Rule of Three. Classic Feywild. No villainous single-minded creep can resist! 

​

Not wasting a moment longer in Mahadi's traveling honeypot the Handy Hands make for the exit. Who knows what chaos a postapocalyptic gang of dark fey creatures may be up to, but anything has to be better than high profile devil espionage. As Arnie tries and tries again to master the Rule of Three but just ends up trading insults, the redcap readies an odd metal horseless vehicle - jagged and rusted scrap welded on top of four big wheels. When the redcap slips a Soul Coin into a slot on the dashboard it roars to life with the sound of anguished screams.

​

"Get in and hold on, assholes!", he says.

​​​

And they're off! Powered by a hellish infernal engine literally fueled by souls, the spiked dune buggy tears across the salt flat, The Wandering Emporium fading in the distance. For hours they traverse the varying but always-terrible landscape of Avernus, griffon and flying broom struggling to keep up with the vehicle's surprising speed. A Blood War front and even a section of the great River Styx are thankfully only seen at great distance. The badlands of Hell are as 'safe' as they can be until a ridge is crested to look out upon the wreckage of a battlefield... and a whole mess of wastelanders scavenging it. A flare goes off. Shouting. Wastelanders run for their own infernal vehicles, hungry for the scrap that just came into view.

​

Shit. Spotted! Go go go!

​

Minutes later a lone dune buggy, a broad man on a griffon, and a thin man on a broom tear across the desert, 50+ insane hell vehicles piloted by devils in hot pursuit. Several blast ahead of the pack, where the handyman draws first blood. Blade barrier! Most of the closest pursuers slam right into the wall of razors, some tumbling out as a slurry of steel scrap and devil flesh. As Bertram and Fish blast the marauders who quickly ride up on two-wheeled machines, Peach and her simulacrum teleporting on to what looks like a truck with a crane claw mounted on it. Hijacking time! One destructive wave later the bard slips into the now-empty driver's seat. 

​

Javelins fly left and right as devils with creepy cherub-like masks throw volley after volley, but most miss their marks. A nasty guiding bolt from Arnie smokes a devil off their infernal cycle, Bertram quickly descending to jump on and stash his broom in a move that would make any action hero proud.

 

Fish horribly biffs a jump for a pursuing vehicle, gaining some nasty road rash, but it's all good! The monk teleports on top of the missed target's roof, dodging confused devils like a pro until something catches the corner of her eye. Something big. Something incoming! Grappled and tossed by Peach and N'creme's truck like a demented claw game another vehicle tumbles in sideways. Thinking fast Fish grabs the driver to throw the devil's body across herself. SLAM! It's a brutal vehicle pancake, Fish and devil squished between. Diving down Nakam extricates the injured monk from the wreckage, the gang speeding as fast as they can before more of the vehicular horde can catch them.

​

There. Ahead! A fortified compound rises out of a cratered landscape, a rust-colored craggy hill resembling a hand clawing out of the ground at its center. Floor it! Gates open and shut behind the Handy Hands just in time. War banners of a stylized number '9' now clearly in view the chasing mass of war engines part and circle threateningly, but thankfully to no danger. Safe... for now. Surrounded by dozens of redcaps, a couple kenku, and a few assorted gangly fey creatures, the Handy Hands dismount their rides in a daze.

​

"Hey, birdbrains!", their redcap driver calls to the kenku. "Get the boss lady. Tell her she has guests!"​​

​

The going is hard. Nearly every aspect of Avernus is uninviting to mortals. Size and distance warp and deceive. Twisted wildlife prowls. The terrain is angular and hostile. Fire literally rains from the sky. Making do best they can the Handy Hands push through fatigue to cover ground.

 

Distant sounds grow until a giant battlefront of the Blood War comes into view. Thousands of devil troops ward off hordes of demons, siege weaponry and long blade-like flying fortresses blasting in a massive onslaught. No interest in getting close to that! With smoke from wastelanders pillaging battlefield scraps to the east, sight is set on a long series of jagged canyons to the west. With any luck they can stay hidden as they work around this mess.

​​

Sounds of war come and go from above as sunken twists and turns are quietly navigated. So far so good. A metallic hum above - something huge approaches. Scatter! By the time a flying fortress' lower decks pierce into view the gang has made themselves scarce, save for Arnie and Manos. The ship shows no interest, however. Phew.

​

Abyssal whispers catch Fish's ear. Demons! Four vulture-human mockeries led by a black scaled creature scale down right past her, Peach, and the simulacrum, also keeping low. So this is what the fortress was searching for. If they can stay hidden still while the demons pass they can- Wait. Is that Arnie alone in the middle of the canyon? Crap.

​

Spying the handyman and hungering for flesh, they pounce! Peach and N'creme teleport in for dual blasts of destructive wave, the bard regretting her decision as the demons start tearing her apart. Two break off to slash at Arnie under Manos' finger bones as Nakam and Bertram soar in, Fish sprinting towards Peach to assist. Necrotic blasts, paralyzing screeches, and toxic spores largely resisted, things are looking manageable. Until the flying fortress returns.

​

Salvos of acidic missiles rain down from above, indiscriminately burning all. Caught in the middle of carpet bombing! The lead demon is utterly shut down by mental prison and later hold monster, but the four vrocks cause issues. Black ichor sprays out of them as they drop one by one - avoidable by some, but Peach, N'creme, and Fish take unavoidable splashes.

 

After a second salvo from the flying fortress and remaining foes are killed they sprint for cover... or at least try to. Manos, his draconic bones greatly disintegrated by the acid bombardment, takes a few steps and falters. A giant finger lifts one last time before the animated hand crumbles into half-melted shards of bone. No time to process! Fish and Arnie quickly grab a few pieces before all sprint/fly/teleport for canyon cover once again. The airship thankfully doesn't follow.

​

"I can bring him back!", exclaims a frantic Arnie, holding bone shards. "Just like Krenko. I can do it!"

​

"Arnie... Manos was undead.", explains Bertram. "Maybe you can bring him back, but it might bring back an entire living dragon, not a big animated skeleton hand. Only necromancy can do that."

​

Others console, confide, and confer. Bertram is right. Sadly there isn't much they can do. But facing each other does bring up another immediately alarming topic: What in the literal Hells happened to Fish, Peach, and N'creme?! The monk has sprouted a big rat tail! The bard has a freakin' second head! The simulacrum's ears flap like wings and their eyes protrude on stalks! The demonic black ichor - it must warp the flesh. Huh! Not entirely unwelcome changes. Fish actually seems delighted with their new tail, and they do say that two heads are better than one.

​​

*         *         *

​

Rest in the tiny hut wasn't great. Lack of a proper day-night cycle and the Hells making even Arnie's divinely conjured food tastes horrible and left them wanting, but at least they were hidden and safe. 

​

Emerging from the canyon to find the Blood War front thankfully moved on, the path flattens out ahead. What seems a relief at first becomes another travel struggle as craggy terrain gives way to an endless salt flat devoid of features. Time drags for hours. Nothing but a faraway dust plume from what must be a large band of wastelanders signals any sign of life. Flying high Nakam spots the distant tents and machinery first, Bertram joining to confirm. Within a horseshoe of armored wagons is an odd sight is seen - colorful flags, an inviting open air market. This must be it. The Wandering Emporium!

​

Under a banner curiously understandable in any language reading 'All are welcome here! No fighting! No spellcasting! No exceptions!', a well-dressed and friendly merchant welcomes the crew. He is Mahadi, leader of The Wandering Emporium, and more than happy to provide a respite from Avernus to all! He is extremely strict on rules of proper conduct, however, down to requiring all guests to sign a contract agreeing to pay for all items and services before leaving.

​

The Handy Hands hesitate. Terry warned them about contracts. Giving Mahadi's contract a thorough look, though, doesn't reveal any trickery. While one's soul may be stuck at The Wandering Emporium if they cannot pay, everything is consensual up to that point. Seems honest enough for a merchant literally operating in Hell. Names are signed. Let us in!

​

Despite the hot Avernus air it's almost like a trip back to Port Nyanzaru. The vibe of The Wandering Emporium is that of a festival grounds on a relaxing day. Curious individuals of all manners of species and backgrounds mingle. Colorful tents and signs advertise a variety of goods and services both mundane and strange (A larva farm next to a barber? Sure.).

 

What catches the eye in particular is Infernal Rapture - according to Mahadi, the only dining establishment in the Nine Hells where food doesn't taste like ash and sulphur. Ooh, what's on the menu? The offerings sound delicious, but at one Soul Coin per meal they may need to visit some shops and do some haggling first.

​

And so the Handy Hands wander the strange oasis in Hell. Perhaps someone here knows of a way to get close to Bel?​

​​

DM: Time-wise, Session 157 was 80% of a normal session and Session 158 was 50% of one. As they narratively covered the same story beat it made sense to combine them as Parts 1 and 2 of the same entry. Read on and enjoy!

​

Part 1:
 

The huge devil looked ridiculous in his 'cloak & dagger' fedora and coat. Why the theatrics? Terry explains. Getting into the Nine Hells isn't hard - he's actually secured a travel visa for the crew - but despite common thought Hell is actually a place of control and order. Pain and damnation, sure, but the ultimate police state of pain and damnation. For a high-ranking devil to aid in freeing a celestial soul such as Eku is the highest sort of treason, and in the Hells there's ears everywhere.

​

Due to this and more Terry isn't able to give direct support, but he can offer this: Entities new to the Nine Hells must enter them in order. That must mean Eku came through Avernus - the first layer - and in true orderly fashion there must be some record of where her soul went from there. A celestial would be worth recording, after all.

​

There's all sorts of other stuff. Survival tips. Something called The Blood War. Confusing yet seemingly important delineations between devils, demons, and yugoloths. Advice to keep it low key lest devils take note of actions. And, most importantly: Never. Sign. ANYTHING without fully reading the details!

​

With a *bamf* of brimstone the fiend vanishes. A week to prepare. Well then. Time to get back to partying! The Thundering Lizard is a rollicking blast, the all-night musical cast and crew afterparty rivaling the best the dirty old dive has ever seen. The wiser go to bed as Arnie and Bertram join Wakanga's after-afterparty for hot tub teleport cannonball dives, stealing the Merchant Prince's fine dinnerware, and an oddly enjoyable session of doing unknown drugs to shoot streams of blood out of tear ducts. Let it never be said his debaucherous parties aren't entertaining!

​

*         *         *

​

A few days later all is ready. Gear is set. Adamantine armor is crafted. Krenko took off with a crew of city kobolds to start the construction of Handy World in Jahaka Bay. Tempting as it is to travel in style Arnie's Flying Helper is deemed too much of a flashy liability to fly around the Nine Hells in... best travel more incognito. Much to Cobbler, Clone Arnie, and Mr. Withers #2's disappointments only Manos and the simulacrum N'creme will come along on this dangerous jailbreak of a venture.

​

Loose ends are tied up. Terry is contacted. Let's GO TO HELL! The hulking pit fiend traces a line in the air that becomes flaming double doors that crack open to reveal a dismal town and a bleak otherworldly landscape beyond.

​

"One last thing!", Terry says as the gate opens. "While not able to help directly, I was able to set up a loyal network. If you need covert assistance, draw this symbol so ancient that none no longer know its meaning." (DM: I couldn't help myself.)

​

And with that, the Handy Hands step through the doorway and out of their reality. Vertigo tears at the senses as the familiar comforts of tropical jungles and colorful civilization are left behind entirely. At blinding speed they soar over a warped and ruined landscape. Massive armies of devils and demons battle across war-torn regions, huge sword-shaped flying fortresses launch forth salvos of weaponry and flying troops, and a distant town among bone-like spires is soon upon them. With a *thunk* their feet find purchase on an iron sky deck of sorts built into one spire, the town stretching below them.

​

"Welcome to Ribcage.", a bored a tentacle-faced guard drolls. "Step through the metal detector. One at a time please."

​

After making sure everyone DOES have a weapon, a talking pile of flesh wearing an official hat asks questions. What is the nature of their visit? How long will they be staying? Do they have anything to declare? Man, the Nine Hells sure are careful about their borders!

​

Past info kiosks and Blood War recruitment officers its into the streets of Ribcage, numerous low-key grifters engaging along the way. Getting their bearings here on the edge of Avernus the immensity and trickiness of their mission truly sinks in. Nine layers of nebulous landscapes, probably millions upon millions of devils, a raging eternal war in progress, and no idea where to start asking the very risky question of where a certain celestial's soul may be. Where to even begin?​

​

​

Part 2:

​

Hmm. If the Hells are orderly evil to the extreme, then there must be a paper trail of inbound souls somewhere. Secondly, not everyone here is a devil and isn't obligated to play by the devils' rules. Time to hit the streets and get to work. Nakam posits inquiring with city officials or fiendish lawyers but that may blow their cover very quickly. Peach risks hiring a courier service, but that's as far as they're willing to go overtly.

 

After exchanging currency for 'Soul Coins' and earning accidental identities as flesh merchants, buying Avernus survival gear and disguises, and inquiring about yugoloth mercenaries, the gang retreats to a local Helliday Inn to conspire in private. It's Peach's Crystal Ball that reveals an interesting truth: Eku's soul is not in Avernus. Okay! That's both bad and good. This may be a trip deeper into the Hells than thought, but it does rule out 1 plane of 9. It also makes it clear that a record of souls is exactly what is needed. Risky business asking random devils of such, though. Who else may know? Back to the streets!

 

Sometimes the lowest of scummy places are the best. The lower the prestige, the looser the lips, they hope, and things pay off nicely. Who would have thought a con artist imp named Butt Stuff would be horribly incompetent? Easily reverse conned out of his own Soul Coins, the imp tells of a non-devil information broker called Mr. Fox. Sounds costly, but why not?

 

Mr. Fox's is a curious one. His modest dwelling in Ribcage's slums is nicer and far larger on the inside than it should be. The thin dapper human within is classy and cordial, welcoming the Handy Hands in to talk business. The offered tea isn't toxic, but something is off. Mr. Fox's health doesn't seem the best, occasional coughing fits disrupting his illusory self to briefly reveal, well... a fox man. Not just that - he's been eyeing Bertram oddly ever since entering. The sneak attack comes quick.

​

"Did you think I wouldn't recognize you?! After what your master did? DIE!", shouts Mr. Fox, but the spell fizzles along with his human illusion. Hands and weapons go up in a standoff.

​

"Easy... easy...", Bertram says calmly. "This is a misunderstanding, and I believe I know why." Disguising himself using the mask and robes of the original Mr. Withers to hide his own half-celestial heritage while in the Hells, the warlock historian slowly and non-threateningly removes Withers' mask and cowl. Tensions relax as Mr. Fox realizes who are in his parlor.

​

"So you're them? Those who defeated Acererak's 'death curse' scheme on Toril?" Mr. Fox spits after saying the name. "He ruined me! Drained my essence! Disposed of me once that Mr. Withers was brought on board. But now? Plot ruined. Tomb and minions annihilated. Handy Hands... I am at your service, free of charge!" A smile spreads on his canine face.

​

As a particularly intelligent and well-sourced yugoloth Mr. Fox provides all he can as a non-devil. Maps. Tips for travel. A handful of known destinations within Avernus. Crucially useful is the knowledge that the second-most powerful devil in all of Avernus, Bel, is the keeper of the Nine Hells' new soul acquisition records. 

​

Again, bad and good news. Next to the Archduke Zariel, Bel would the 2nd worst devil to tip off about their Hell Heist plans. On the other hand... it's an open secret that Bel hates Zariel. If a celestial soul goes missing due to Avernus happenings it makes her look bad, not him. The trick is, how to get to Bel without it being sure death? Ideas emerge.

​

Option 1 is Wasteland gangs. One in particular - the Knucklebones - vies for Bel's favor and may help. Option 2 is The Wandering Emporium - a mobile sanctuary that supposedly houses many exceptions to the Nine Hells' bureaucratic policies. Option 3 is the most ruinous: seek out the evil dragon god Tiamat. It's another open secret that she has always wanted Avernus to herself, and helping fuel her vendetta against Bel may lead to a change in management.

​

Bidding farewell to Mr. Fox it's back to the Helliday Inn. Routes are debated. Fish is all about aiding the dragon god that her queen Tzindelor spoke of, but the option sounds catastrophic otherwise. The Wasteland gangs have potential, though they do sound like the wild card option. The Wandering Emporium has the most appeal. A place that resists the influence of the Nine Hells must have some aid to offer!

 

And so bags are packed, and Hell awaits. Reality itself transitions as the Handy Hands walk out of the main gates of Ribcage, finding themselves fully in the first layer of the Nine Hells. The blasted and war-torn red lands of Avernus stretch limitlessly in all directions, angry roiling clouds punctuated by the occasional fireball above.

 

Somewhere in this vast inhospitable plane of existence, The Wandering Emporium travels. 

​

Dual mine carts roll down the rickety tracks at a solid pace. By Fish's accounts these tunnels lead many miles away to her home of Wyrmheart Mine. At least, in-tact cart tracks did in the Hrakhamar dwarves' day hundreds of years ago. Earthen rumbles and a red-orange glow from behind leave no time to debate. Easy path seen, Arnie hits the diverting track lever.

​

"Why ya taken da hard way out, mon? Good luck!", the two smoke mephits shout as they soar by. Great!

​

It isn't long before pursuers join. Heads up! Two carts of firenewts! Collapsing old scaffolding is an easy peasy move for Bertram, taking out the first. Before the second can be dealt with a big fat carrion crawler freezes in the headlights ahead. Thinking quick Peach polymorphs it into an ant that the cart easily rolls over before Fish burns, popping it back into full giant grub size right in front of the second pursuing cart. Newts scream! Crawler explodes into a cloud of acidic bug guts! Newts scream some more! High five for team effort!

​

The carts plunge at breakneck speed down a steep track warped by time, Arnie both regretting face protection as they smash through a swarm of stirges and pondering the invention of seatbelts as sharp turns and debris are encountered. The track corkscrews around and down around a roiling pool of magma, many junctions bringing in another set of angry chasing firenewts. Looking almost bored the bard flicks her wrist, a force cage invisibly appearing on the tracks behind their carts.

​

Somewhere between a Wile E. Coyote sigh and a sad trombone, all pursuers flop to their doom.

​

Safe. Well. Except for the greatly agitated magma. And that stalagmite that just grabbed Arnie! Between a nasty harm and a flurry of punches from a flying monk the handyman is readily saved by Fish, the carts' drivers flipping tracks just in time to avoid a hot death and rocket away from Hrakhamar.

 

Are they safe now?  Tectonic rumbles say otherwise! Tunnels shake apart, boulders roll by, and gouts of spewing magma threaten existence as the very mountain collapses around them. The surging tidal wave of magma approaching from behind gets dangerously close, magmins surfing the ride. Up ahead the track arcs up. This is it. The final stretch to Wyrmheart!

​

And the track is out.

​

Peach launches her cart full blast, clearing her, Arnie, and Nakam over the gap. Bertram attempts the same but mis-times the brake... and the second cart plummets Fish and the historian to their fiery doom below. 

​

"BERTRAM!", shouts Arnie. "Oh gods..."

​

*Bamf*. The handyman doesn't notice that their cart slows and creaks. Bertram leans over the cart's back, panting and sweating profusely, nodding in approval of his dimension door salvation of himself and Fish.

​

"Bertram! I thought I lost you!", exclaims Arnie as he cries.

​

Fish's kobolds run and fly in. They're almost there, but the overloaded cart's brakes fail in Peach's grip. Hold on boys. It's gonna be a rough entry! 

 

A red dragon lies curled on her hoard. Cart wheels and screams approach at terminal velocity, whipping off track to slam unceremoniously into her lair's wall, the din of eruption left far behind. For the first time in a long time, the dragon smiles.

​

*         *         *

​

Negotiations, bribery of treasures, and a couple days later, the misty and dismal Jahaka Anchorage finds itself host to the returning heroes, one big dragon, and her minion posse. Handy World. Yes. This is workable. Tzindelor settles for 30% of the profits - hard to say no to a prima donna actress the size of a small city block, but where else in the world can boast such an attraction?! The deal is made. Pending supplies and help from Port Nyanzaru, the dragon's kobold minions and handful of pirates will get to work renovating the anchorage into a tourist attraction complete with daily dragon scares.

​

Except for Fish. The monk is horrified. 'Relieved of duty'? After so many years of service Tzindelor is just casting her aside? It turns out that dragons are highly intelligent and insightful. Some of the real talk Fish isn't ready to hear - mainly the fact that she's a human in a kobold costume. The rest, though, she gets. Port Nyanzaru half a land away, and her queen needs eyes afar to hold these 'Handy Hands' to their deal and keep the wealth rolling in. It's a hard pill, but Fish swallows it.

​

For Arnie, though, he sees opportunity. If Krenko is managing home operations, having a highly capable 'kobold' lady along for field operations is incredibly useful. The hand had been down to four fingers. Time to regain a fifth. Welcome Fish, former dragon champion, newest of the Handy Hands!

​

*         *         *

​

Is life in Port Nyanzaru a fever dream, strange nightmare, or a beautiful real-life phantasmagoria? While Peach, Nakam, Bertram, and Arnie treat the sights and activities ranging from unusual to downright insane as mundane normal life, it's a lot for a newcomer like Fish to take in. Tamed dinosaurs and vertical gardens, communist kobold city workers, a water pipe transit system... not to mention the Handy House and it's freakish residents. Why is there a second Arnie that looks very off? Is that three creepy dolls possessed by child spirits? An undead mastermind doing household chores? A talking chameleon? It all makes a sentient T-rex teenager seem normal.

 

Well. Best to settle in.

​

One Month Later...

 

Nakam finally got paid, and invested in the best mattress money can buy. A second Peach named N'creme has appeared thanks to the bard investing in the simulacrum spell... a decision that will surely be treated responsibly and lead to no hijinks. The dwarven relics are identified as an extremely valuable returning throwing hammer and an invaluable gauntlet-shaped artifact dedicated to the albino dwarfs' prime deity. Fish is feeling less out of sorts in this tropical city wonderland. What's most important is that tonight is the opening night of 'The Pirates of Chult Chance'!

​

Cheers erupt across the Handy Theater. Everyone in attendance - most of the Merchant Princes, Mother Sibonseni, many of the city's movers and shakers - jump to their feet in applause. Peach and N'creme wipe away each others' tears as Arnie stands proud on stage, the crowd roaring for Krenko and every other actor that he encourages to bow. It's the mysterious floating note that lands in Bertram's hand as he steps out for fresh air that shifts the vibe.

​

~ Midnight. Dock Warehouse #5. Handy Hands only. ~

​

Huh. Too obvious to be a trap. Besides, this whole town loves them. And why tonight of all nights? This better not make them to miss the cast and crew afterparty at The Thundering Lizard. After closing up the theater the gang warily heads over.

​

The scent of sulfur drifts out as a revealed imp cracks the warehouse door, confirming identities. Following the little flying devil inside beyond darkened rows of crates, a huge figure awaits. Easily 12-foot tall, broad as an elephant. A giant khaki trench coat and fedora mask much of the dark figure but blazing eyes reveal the red skin and horns of a fiendish creature. The voice, to most of the crew, reveals more.

 

"So... Handy Hands. Been a while.", grumbles Terry the Pit Fiend. "You ready to go to Hell?"

​
​

​

DM: ...And that's the story of how Fish joined the Handy Hands. Welcome Dex (Fish) to the table! With no new blood in the weekly Nerd Group since Logan (Winchton) retired years ago, it was due time even if very deep into an existing campaign. 

​

Entirely unrelated, this is also an story of how the great Krenko 'Tok-Tok' became an NPC. Jon (Krenko/Kurururu) has been with us since nearly the beginning of this long adventure, but wouldn't you know it, working on a grad degree while starting a private practice while also working multiple jobs leaves nothing for reliable free time. Go forth and kick all the butts, sir, and the door is always open if time permits!

Across the river of magma they see them. Firenewts. Dozens of them! The noisy clang of forges and machinery mask the intruders' spying but reveal the fiery creatures' intents. What remains of Hrakhamar is nothing short of a refinery complex for making adamantine - an artificial metal of supernatural strength and lightness. The firenewts aren't just building numbers. They're preparing for war against Tzindelor to claim her mine. 

​

To make matters worse their numbers are easily more than dozens. Many chambers remain out of sight, and Arnie finds even the magma river is teeming with firenewts below the surface! They'll have to strike hard and fast. Anxiety runs high.

​

Sneak attack. SHOOM! Double SHOOM! Bertram and Fish blast cold over a wide tunnel housing a dozen fearsome firenewt mounts and their riders and... they shatter into ice statues? It takes a moment to click. For so long now the Handy Hands have been delving into Chult's most dangerous far flung reaches, gaining great experience and ability. Two years ago they were scared of beach crabs. A month ago they fought a partial god the size of a tower. It wouldn't have been pretty but they could have even rivaled Tzindelor. And now they're punching silly lava amphibians. At level 17.

 

They're not trapped in here with them. They're trapped down here with the Handy Hands. Let's get nuts!

​

Arnie's insect plague, Bertram's cones of cold, Peach's geetar blasts of lightning, and Fish's variable dragon-like breath tear great swaths through the hoards of firenewts, Nakam brutally taking down any stragglers behind. Even the swarms of newts emerging from the magma river are no major threat. It's an absolute slaughter. Newt after newt falls, heaping upon the bodies other newts fallen just moments before.

​

Battle lust taking hold, Fish charges through Arnie's insects to single-handedly tank an entire wave of reinforcements by blocking them in a doorway. Teleporting to catch up, the others help splatter the walls with elemental amphibian guts as Bertram invisibly dashes ahead. Knowing dwarves, odds are high that the firenewts have vested interest in these ruins for more than just scrappy old machinery. An intricately carved vault door stands resolutely shut in the distance.

 

The historian's search is interrupted by a crazed firenewt priest calling out to some unknown deity and diving headfirst off a high bridge span. Seconds later, the magma river swells unnaturally. Whatever was asked, the volcano is answering!

​

"Get up here, quick!", Bertram calls back. "Dwarven vault, but the magma is rising. Hurry!"

​

As Fish darts back to grab firenewt-crafted gear for her queen and kobold friends Bertram gets to work. The mold found for the keys to this great door are a big help in popping it open, but the immediate threat of being inside a volcano about to erupt leads to the rookie mistake of not checking for traps. FOOM! An arcane blast propels Bertram and Arnie backwards as the high bridge retracts, sending both into hot liquid magma. Thankfully it's a quick dimension door retreat despite great bodily harm. And oh... the treasure that await above.

​

Crates of fine metal ingots for crafting. Adamantine for days. Intricate dwarven-craft arms and armor. Rare adamantine weaponry. A singular gauntlet of adamantine and gold inlaid with gems. Shove it all in the portable hole, and RUN!

 

The high bridge now just barely crests the rapidly rising magma as the gang sprints back the way they came. Walkways are submerged or melted away. The far tunnels leading upward are fully under magma. Damn! The far side of the ruins thankfully sit at a higher elevation. Two mine carts remain on the tracks. GO!

​

Loading in and pushing off as hard and fast as they can, two carts loaded with panicked riders skid across melting tracks and into the wild dark yonder of twisting downhill cart tracks ahead, with no less than an erupting volcano behind...

​

(DM: "You guys wanna just teleport out? Or do you want a wacky mine cart ride?" PCs: "WACKY MINE CART RIDE!")

​

~ DM: We're back! The legend of this band of weirdos continues... though in a more truncated format.
For 153 sessions I somehow managed to write a short story entry for each one. Time is simply more precious these days. While the adventures will continue to be posted, entries shall take on a format around half the length of before, focusing on session highlights rather than an ambitious block of writing. Don't worry. It's still all silly. Read on and enjoy! ~

​

*         *         *

​

Where does one start with the Handy Hands? Is it at their unlucky origins as four shipwrecked castaways? Is it when new friends were gained and their unusual moniker declared? Is it their rise to fame through a bizarre combination of daring jungle expeditions, high seas pirate hunting, and theatrical events with immersive production value? Or is it with their greatest deed of heroism - stopping an interdimensional lich from sucking the very life out of their world?

​

Or is it perhaps in more recent times, in which a pirate resurgence and the mighty Aremag were defeated, or their airship journey to a doomed land to rescue friends and learn the truth about the Chultan god Ubtao? Maybe one can start without all the baggage. Once upon a time there was a group of unlikely heroes who had saved others more times than one can count yet found their own dream still not fully realized. The dream of a fully immersive theatrical destination resort:

​

Handy World.

​

A couple months after the events within the Bakumora, the Handy Theater debuted to positive reviews. Krenko 'Tok-Tok' Kikijiki, his taste for adventure satiated after literally eating the 'God Meat' of Ubtao and now finding himself a star of the stage, stays behind in Port Nyanzaru training actors for their biggest production yet - 'The Pirates of Chult Chance'. For the rest, it's off by airship to the former pirate base of Jahaka Anchorage. Around a year ago there were wistful thoughts of returning one day to make it a happening locale. Time to secure Jahaka Bay in the name of artistic immersion!

​

Indeed the Anchorage isn't much to write home about. Twice over networks of pirates had been broken up by the Handy Hands, and the once-deadly hive of villainy is a shell of its former self. Only a handful of maimed, overly crusty, or unwanted pirates remain to drink at Bosco's Bilge. With a sales pitch for theme park renovations by Arnie, casual threats of violence from Bertram, and awe struck by Peach in showing off her dinosaur son Cobbler and Manos the giant skeleton hand, the residents are quick to get on board. Handy World it shall be! 

 

Though there is the matter of 'Tinder', Bosco warns. Ever since pirates settled in Jahaka Bay there's been a big red dragon robbing ships and burning the defiant. If the Handy Hands hope to have any regular tourist comings and goings, they'll have to search out this 'Tinder' at her former mine of a lair and somehow end the threat.

​

Very well then. To Wyrmheart Mine! Cobbler left behind for his first job as a kitchen busboy, Arnie's Flying Helper takes off across the bay to the south. It's a smooth trip. Arnie plans out theme park rides (drugs required, of course), Bertram fishes for flying fish, Peach writes a new tune with while taking frequent scrying ball breaks, and Nakam joy rides on his griffon Feygllyyb between realizations that he has never once been paid.

​

The mood shifts quickly in cloudy skies near the Kobold Mountains. Flying kobolds and their payloads swarm out of the clouds like an angry hive as a massive red shape surges from beneath. Tinder! She's nearly the size of their airship!

 

“Ash and sulfur. Fire and blood. BEHOLD! You enter the domain of the burning queen of western Chult: TZINDELOR THE CRIMSON DREAD! Strength unrivaled! Ferocity unmatched... CUT! No. Scratch that last line. RESET POSITIONS!"

​

The huge dragon dives back into the clouds. The kobolds look at each other in confusion, then do the same. Moments later the entire scene repeats, Tzindelor getting further in her monologue and kobolds boarding the ship before another cut is called, the dragon once again resetting. By the third reset the kobolds are visibly distressed. But Arnie gets it.

​

"She's a thespian perfectionist, guys!", he says, before announcing to the wind. "Your acting skills are incredible! What an imposing physical performance! What a command of the audience's response! We may have an opportunity for you!"

​

Whirring wings beat as the biggest payload yet is dropped off on deck: it's the largest kobold ever! At least, a 6-foot kobold is what it looks like at first glance. Painted wooden costume pieces, embedded kobold tech, and a disconcerting pair of googly eyes... is it a human woman cosplaying as a kobold? Nonsense, the kobolds declare! This is Fish, champion of their queen Tzindelor, and biggest of all kobolds!

​

Fish is itching for a fight until her diminutive kin fill her in on Tzindelor's behavior. Oh no. It's getting worse. The great wyrm called 'Tinder' by the pirates has been increasingly withdrawn, unable to find happiness, refusing to leave her lair much of the time, and just going through the expected motions when she does. This isn't method acting. What was mistaken for serious chops is more of a mental health crisis in motion. 

​

It gets the crew thinking. They could battle a massive dragon and her tribe of minions (while on a highly flammable and explosive airship, Bertram notes), or they could help someone in need. Isn't that what the Handy Hands do - help? Sure, Tzindelor may be a flying death machine, but doesn't everyone deserve a chance... or at least mental health support? After some antagonism between Peach and Fish, and Nakam bonding with kobolds over the notion of fair compensation, Tzindelor slowly glides in again and is ready to talk.

​

The pitch is made. Rather than terrorizing tourists, would Tzindelor be interested in terrorizing tourists in less than deadly fashions multiple times a day at regularly scheduled intervals? It intrigues the dragon. It would be something new and interesting. It would also be a surefire way to spread her name into notoriety.

 

It's a negotiation she's willing to have... AFTER her champion Fish finally deals with the persistent thorn in her side. Fire newts have been pressing in on her territory for years, and despite a guerilla war effort her kobolds have been unable to defeat the fire immune creatures. Help Fish destroy their base of operations within the dwarven ruins of Hrakhamar and she'll talk. Murder everyone to gain a major attraction for Handy World? It's an easy agreement. To Hrakhamar! 

​

*         *         *

​

The Valley of Lost Honor. So named as the location where Ras Nsi earned his exile from Mezro, the valley pockmarked by dwarven ruins is now a 100-mile long stretch of pumice and ash from the frequently erupting Kobold Mountains. At its west end sits the poorly guarded entrance to Hrakhamar, where a patrolling force of firenewts is absolutely not expecting a brutal aerial ambush. One volley of arrows, one cannonball, and one swarm of insects later plus a bit of cleanup, the Handy Hands creep their way down into the ruins of one of Chult's former great dwarven city-states. 

​

In dim magical light the dilapidated passages reveal long forgotten mining tunnels. After descending over a good mile below the surface a dull red glow is seen ahead... and the heat felt. Following old mine cart rails Bertram sneaks off to the left and sees where the glow intensifies. A river of magma runs through the heart of these ruins. What remains of grated iron walkways hang on to chasm edges, mine cart tracks crossing the span dubiously.

​

In the lead and clearing smoke by way of gust of wind Peach reveals its source: mephits inhaling through pumice stones (Peach: "Watch it guys, some delinquents are up here smoking rocks."). After a little friendly communal smoke share with Fish the little elementals are happy to share local info. The firenewts are up to something, forging gear for an offensive of some sort. There's a shrine of theirs nearby, and there's something they covet here. Hmm. What are they up to?

​

The gang presses forward. Somewhere, very nearby, some newts need murderin' to appease a new star actor.

​

Previous entries have been moved to improve load times and your reading experience. Click below to find them!
 

​

• Chapter 1: "A Shipwrecked Misadventure." - Entries 1 through 11.
  ​After a disastrous journey at sea, four travelers become necessary allies and eventually friends as they get their bearings in a beautiful but hostile land.​
   

• Chapter 2: "The Shining Jewel of Chult." - Entries 12 through 20.
  Chult’s great city of Port Nyanzaru hosts a wealth of possibilities, where new friends are gained as the fledgling adventuring party establishes themselves.
   

• Chapter 3: "Famous and Infamous." - Entries 21 through 27.
  Local fame leads to larger concerns, and the crew find themselves as notable figures involved in the city’s events and intrigues.
   

• Chapter 4: "The River Expedition." - Entries 28 through 38.
  The Handy Hands bravely set forth into the uncharted jungles of Chult on a mission... and this time, they have experience and planning on their sides.
   

• Chapter 5: "Ruins and Robots." - Entries 39 through 55.
  Rumors of forgotten temple ruins are just too good to pass up, and the goal of retrieving a dead wizard’s construct leads to odd encounters with the locals.
   

• Chapter 6: "Death and the City." - Entries 56 through 67.
  A return to Port Nyanzaru is both welcome and ominous, as evil plots and villains abound, and news of an escalating 'Death Curse' ravaging the land emerges.
   

• Chapter 7: "Salty Shenanigans." - Entries 68 through 77.
  As city-sponsored privateers and entrepreneurs of dubious skill, the Handy Hands take on nautical threats both piratical and supernatural.
   

• Chapter 8: "On the Trail of the Dead" - Entries 78 through 94.
  From somewhere in Chult, the Death Curse radiates. The Handy Hands follow clues and their instincts, leading them deep into the unknown…
   

• Chapter 9: "The Forbidden City." - Entries 95 through 101.
  Omu. A wretched hive of snakes and villainy. The Handy Hands close in on the origin of the Death Curse, but the city's inhabitants won't make it easy.
   

• Chapter 10: "Tomb of Annihilation." - Entries 102 through 128.
  Somewhere deep below Omu, a nefarious archlich and his Soulmonger infects our realm with the Death Curse. The race to save the world is on!
   

• Chapter 11: "The True Lords of the Sea." - Entries 129 through 137.
  Time to take it easy… or is it? Threats loom in the waters once again, and after a lengthy stretch of domestic life the Handy Hands return to shiver more timbers!
   

• Chapter 12: "The Rising Mists." - Entries 138 through 153.
  With a wondrous new airship the Handy Hands travel great distances to aid friends in need. Yet what is truly happening in the far and dismal land called the Bakumora?
   

​